Tag: Old Site

Well, I’m truly shocked. There are still people reading my diary…y’know I thought you’d have all got bored by now…not only that but you do what I suggest….

How do I know this? Well James, who’s newish site (“The Dark Library”) I mentioned last time – keeps a page referal thing – and he actually had hits coming from here!

So, there you go! Of course this made me wonder whether I could persude people to do other things…so…may I suggest that those of you that fancy it send me all your spare cash? I think that’d be handy…..

Anyway, so how’ve I been? And how’s my promise to stay more cheerful gone? Well, today I was happy….and yesterday apart from very late at night I was happy, however on Wednesday I’ll admit I was miserable as sin. A friend of mine rang and I refused to speak to him, knowing that I’d be in tears….

Anyway, I think I’ve decided there’s another problem which is causing me these mood swings. It’s that I realised I’ve never really had the full range of emotions before. I was kinda depressed, mooching along in a kind of middle of the road state. I was very rarely truly happy, or, on the other hand truly sad.

Rather than experiencing life I merely existed. Although I cared about things, people, and whatever….my real emotions were covered, or not there. And the only time they came out was in moments of real stress, or when I was very, very drunk. From which comes my feeling that drink frequently accentuates whatever your mood already is….

Anyway, yes. So, I think emotions take a while to get used to!

Finally – I managed to score a tank of petrol today, okay so it’s LRP, okay so I payed 87p per litre, but hell….it’s petrol….(and although it means I have to go to work tomorrow, (unlike today <g>) – it also means I can go to Bristol this weekend <gggg>).

—
Kate

PS. In other news, I changed my name today. As of 11:15 am today I am Officially Miss Katherine Elliott.

Yes, I really should be in bed….

Just had some thoughts tho, as I completed my evening ablutions I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and I thought I looked female. But the instant I actually looked I saw male….

I thought about this and maybe I do look a bit female. Maybe.

The principle I’m working on here is that I don’t look quite the way I’m used to looking. I don’t look female in my own opinion, but I know I look a little tiny bit different. Now perhaps my brain, before I looked properly processed this as being a different person, who was maybe andro-female looking and so I thought oooh, female. But when I actually looked the fully concious bit of my brain which does the processing of images went, ah, that’s you, and your body is male….

Of course. A more probable idea is that I’m decieving myself to make myself feel better….I dunno….some days I think I look a bit female. Other days I don’t…at all….

Anyway, ohh, nearly forgot, added a link to Nikki’s Site…and yes..I think that’s about it….

—
Kate

PS. The name thing is still cool :)

It’s amazing what a difference a day can make…. I don’t actually feel more cheerful than I did yesterday. I suspect that’s being stuck in the house and not having a job. But I’m feeling a little tiny bit more convinced of my abilities with Linux, having fixed this setup which I managed to reduce to it’s knees. Well, beyond that. It was dead. Like a dodo.

Well, anyway, yes. So that’s made me feel like I might, eventually, manage to get the hang of linux. Since I didn’t end up wiping and reinstalling the lot….

KDE2 is now working too (well, KDE1.93) which is funky. Actually it’s dead nice, but it really does expose the poor performance of the Virge. Esp if you want to do really pointless things (eg the graduated background. That was nice unless I moved a window!). Anyway, yes. So I’m rather fond of it. It’s also the first Linux window manager which is bareable speed, looks reasonable and isn’t enlightenment which I’ve seen <g>

See, I’m grinning. I must be feeling better. Tbh, I really don’t think I’m coping very well with work….but that’s over in a few weeks.

Anyway, ‘spose I should have a hack at this CD-Writer. See if I can’t make it work…..

—
Kate.

Excuse if this page looks a little off….it’s the first one produced without the use of webprocessor. And I’m feeling really shitty so…

What happened? Why am I feeling down? Well….it’s just complete lack of sucess really. I feel like I’ve been a failure…the words from Peters Friends¹ seem strangely appropraite, but I need someone to say them to me and I’ve not even got that.

Ever since my GCSE’s I’ve been failing, slowly. Infact, upto and including my GCSE’s my decline was apparent. I never made it into set one maths, this may be a small thing, but there was always a “reason” why I shouldn’t be moved. Until it was too late….then my grades dropped drastically for A level. Then I got to my Degree. Well that was an allround success story wasn’t it.

I should’ve given up there and then really. That will haunt me for the rest of my life that f*cking degree – and I know this. Because I know someone who has been haunted by it their whole life, only they have an MSC to at least prove that they aren’t a crap, non-working idiot.

Not that it matters. I mean, who’s going to want to employ an neurotic, miserable [Ed: 2024/03/18 – I called myself the t-slur]? It took me six months to get a job as “male” – and that is/was a truly lousy job. It didn’t even pay enough to get a one bedroom flat, or even a bedsit.

I feel totally out of my depth with everything computery that I touch these days. Java was coming, but since I can’t get Java to work under SuSE then that’s stopped. I doubt I can even write “Hello world” anymore (actually, thinking about it, I might be able to cobble that together. But nothing more complex). Linux has been another one of my failures. Sure it just about works on here – but it’s probably about as secure as RHA, I can’t install software, all I ever get are dependancy warnings, I get newer versions and they won’t install because something relies on the old version. I’ve tried stomping on the old version (frankly, I’m amazed the machine works at all now) – and that doesn’t help. The new stuff simply installs – then doesn’t work.

And that’s another demonstration of my miserable lack of success. How many other people search, locate and download a piece of software, install it – and then find that it’s actually a crap old version. Lots yes?

But how many can state with certainty that they went to the “official” site, and downloaded it, from the “Newest stable release” section? I can even prove it…it’s in my page history.

Wonderful eh?

I have no job now, or at least I have a job until the 30th. Then I have to find a new one. What are the chances of that happening when my strongest skill is in a dead OS on an obselete platform? Not that my “strongest skill” really compares to those who actually are good with computers.

What makes it worse is that everyone says “it’s easy to find jobs in IT”. And I just can’t. I looked through over 250 jobs today, probably nearer 300. I found one which was even remotely within my capabilities….and what are the chances of me getting it? None.

Why do I say that? Because at best, yet again, I will come second. Since I tend to put myself second (at best) I suppose that its not really a surprise that everyone else agrees.

‘s funny. For a little while I didn’t hate myself. It was nice. Now I feel like shite again, and I just wish I didn’t exist.

—
Kate. ¹

Paraphrased…: “I hated seeing all that promise go to waste and more I hated seeing how unhappy it made you”.

Well, interesting, interesting….here I sit in Linux….with Java segfaulting if I try and use it…..but much greater stability. A mail program which feels rather short on features compared to pegasus – but then I really did like pegasus, a broken version of ICQ (I need to change it for a new one, but that’d mean going through all the people again….argh!)….

However I actually have some faith in my OS which is a bit of a change…

Anyway, so how’s things been? Well, as you might have guessed I got peed of with Windows (it crashed and locked up playing a DVD)….and installed Linux, then reinstalled windows, then put the Lilo boot sector back….So things in Linux aren’t going too appaulingly!

On the job front, well, I’ve resigned, got no new job to go to, but stuff that….I can’t cope with being ill all the time (I’m going to loose quite enough weight as it is with being ill…..) I haven’t quite decided on the date for my transition….but it’ll be ‘fore the end of the month :)

So…yes, soon I get to be Me. Oddly transition doesn’t scare me, what does scare me is that transition doesn’t. I find it un-nerving that I’m not scared. I’m scared about disasters occuring at work during these last few weeks, I’m scared about how I’m going to get a job….

I’m nervous because I’ve had no electrolysis or laser (I can’t have laser – except maybe in late winter – when my skintone’s lightest)….But the actual transition stuff, it doesn’t bother me….at the moment!

Oh, yes, my webcam is out of action while I’m in linux methinks….as the USB quickcam doesn’t appear to be supported by linux (atm)…..if (for whatever reason, eg. I can’t get Java to work) I’m in windows I may stick it on…

Oh, and finally, I saw kira’s monitor, and her graphics card (or at least it’s output) – and to put simply: I Want!!! It’s made mine feel unbearably crap – I mean I knew that it was awful – but this has taken it to a whole new level of awful. Argh….

—
Kate.

Well, I had complaints (thank you martin <g>) about my lack of updates on the diary….so. What’ve I been up to? Well… I’ve…err…been doing some Java, and I now have a better grasp of how to do Object Orientated (thank you again Damian, that was actually really helpful)…

I’ve been being driven nuts by my parents…I lasted a whole day before thinking…”nooo!”. It’s the loss of freedom thing….I get used to it very quickly, I loved the freedom of university, I like being able to eat what I like when I like….and buy food that I want….and listen to music when I want…and not have to wait for the phone….

And also to wander about semi-naked because I can’t be arsed to get dressed after having a shower.

All these things I love, and all of them disappear when my parents come back…like sunday I just wanted (really, really wanted) a sausage sandwich – but my mum decided to do the whole family lunch thing…and it was sweetcorn. Yup, very nice….but no, not what I wanted!

Anyway yes, and obviously theres been the launch of the surprisingly popular “Kates Cavern Webcam” which has amazed me with the number of voeyeurs I know… Especially since I tend not to actually do anything but chat on IRC when the camera is on…

Although it’s not always on because Logitech’s “Quickcam” software is complete shite, and grabs the sound hardware, even when it’s not using it (Grrr) – meaning that I can’t listen to music when the webcams on…hence it gets turned off when I fancy listening to stuff from my computer…

Yes, so there’s that….

What else? Well, there’s a new link on the links page to Tam’s (groovy) page and another one on there….but you’ll have to locate that one….but anyway yes…

My life. Yes indeed. Well, I’ve been feeling a little more positive, then a little more negative, then a little more pos….get the idea? Some days I feel like death in the mornings and just want to curl up, and others I’m quite bright and cheery. But never mind. I’m sure it’ll sort itself out. Actually I’ve found so long as I keep doing things (to the point of not stopping to think) – then I’m fine. I just (at the moment) keep thinking of wasted time….lots of it…

But on the other hand, I’m hoping to resign this week, and so, well, apart from the “needing a job very rapidly” thing I shall feel that I’m making (at least some) progress.

On the other hand, I will need a job veryrapidly. Especially since the car insurance is due next month. I’ve done my sums, I reckon if they let me go immidately then I have, err, approx 10 weeks, and if they make me say on another month then I have nearer 15 weeks, before I have to take a temp job….so long as I don’t have to go anywhere, or spend any money other than that required to keep me travelling to interviews. Oh, and I don’t have a social life….

Still, at least I’ll have transitioned. And then I can be me, with a full existance, not some halfway house where I’m not being myself for about half of the time…….

So, that’s the way things stand at the moment….

By the way, if you haven’t seen it, go see the X-men film, it’s cool :)

And, also, buy the film “Ma Vie En Rose” and watch it. It’s on VHS in this country and on DVD in America, and I at least appear to be able to watch it on my player when it’s set to region 2….

Right, enough advice dispensed….

—
Kate :)

PS, A bit Hi to Donna too :)
More elastica fans, that’s what we need <g>

Well, I thought I really, really ought to update my site since it appears people not only read it, but also actually care about me, which is kinda nice :)

So, thanks to all the people who either rang, wrote or got to me in some other way to say that I’m not as awful as I think I am….it appears people like me! Wow! Seriously, thanks to everyone….

But; what am I doing at home on a week day when I should be working? Well, as I said the idea of work makes me physically sick, so I’m going to see my doctor tomorrow and see about getting some time off….probably with the intention of resigning. As people keep saying to me, your health is more important than money – but I need the job a little longer because otherwise there’ll be no car insurance paid which can only be a bad thing….

Otoh, if I don’t spend any money then technically I could quit now and just about afford it. I couldn’t eat, but I’d at least be able to go places…well, actually that’d take petrol….which is a little pricey.

So, what am I going to do? Well. It’s clear that I can’t carry on working where I am, and the Java is showing faint signs of becoming understandable and sticking in my head which is a Good Thing^tm….so, maybe, just maybe things’ll turn out okay. At the moment I’m drawing on the fact other people believe I can do it to give myself the will to carry on because I don’t have that much faith in myself. Infact, tbh I have none. But, hell, people seem to think I can do it – so I’ll have to see if they’re right.

Anyway. I’m off to do a wee-bit more Java (having uploaded this….)

—
Kate
(The slighly more sane than at the weekend variant ;)

Well, Mmmm. Not good….The idea of going back to work as “male” has actually been making me feel sick, to the point where I might have to take some time off work sick because I feel so awful all the time. Although I’ve been suspecting that it was happening for a while (the last few days) – I wasn’t really sure until yesterday…and that caused a bit of a problem.

You see, around the time of my GCSE’s, when I suppose I was really gender crashing for the first time (I really struggled with day to day life and spent almost all my free time when I could as female)….I went to see the doctor because I appeared to be lactose intolerant. However having removed all the milk from my diet we decided that that was not the cause…so we moved on to various other things – and various treatments, and eventually came to the conclusion that it was a stress related disorder. Now; I suffered from it continuously until I started dealing with TS issues. After I started to deal with them then there was no problem whatsoever. Interviews – which had previously been hell on earth, I could cope with. Infact nothing bothered me to the extent of making me ill….

But now, after 6 months it’s back, and I feel sh*t. And for some reason it brought all the old neurosies to the surface. To the extent that I spent a good 2 hours crying last night, solidly. And lots more time crying on and off during the day….calling myself useless, unable to think of a single achievement in my life, and not believing in my friends (i.e. feeling that I wasn’t actually cared about by anyone)….

Martin tried to talk to me, but I just ended up crying and hanging up – I simply wasn’t capable of it….then I lay in bed for hours….I got virtually no sleep (about 2 hours I think) and crawled out of bed at 5am to watch a rainstorm.

Then crawled back to bed…then got up. And all day I’ve been trying to make myself feel better about myself but I simply can’t. I started to cheer up, when I managed to do a bit of Java – but even that started to go distinctly pear shaped (i.e. I can get half of the program to work the way I think it should, the other half has to be done the way in the book….)

I’m feeling stupid, unloved, miserable. And I’m depressing myself about work to the point that I feel I might have to quit just to survive. Otherwise I’m going to end up (ultimately) being very, very ill. But with no other skills and no competence in Java (I’m just not that good at teaching myself) I’d be without a job, and with a lot of expenses going out…

Well. We’ll see…

—
Kate

Well, today’s been a whole barrel of fun. About the time I first really started realising that I had “issues” with my gender I gained a stress related disorder. And since I was stressed a lot of the time I was ill a lot of the time. It stayed with me from my GCSE’s through university….and dissapeared when I started dealing with the gender issues.

Even the job interviews didn’t make me feel ill – unlike they used to. Unfortunately (and I’ve been noticing this for the past few days) it’s come back. With avengence. I’m not sure what to do – I think it’s the fact that I have to be ‘male’ for work which is causing it, but the only way I can do anything about that is to quit. But if I did then I could transition.

But I’d be broke. On the other hand I could devote all my time to learning Java which’d get me into the job I want to do.

Right now I’m sitting here with a really, really nasty stomach ache, and knowing that I’m not going to be able to eat properly for ages (well, I can eat…..) which would be handy for loosing weight, if I needed to, but for once in my life my weight is pretty much okay.

So, I’ll probably be waif like….

Anyway, I’m off to consider my options….

Kate

Windows Media Player 7 – Bringing yet more instability to your world.

I wonder if that’s the undisplayed tagline? Why? Becuase my Windows system is now less stable than a dog on wet lino, and…..I must say I’m impressed with WMP7. Not only does it look crap, and crash if I get disconnected from a stream, but…..wait for it, it’s also broken my Winamp install, and all the sound system stuff so that it’s the /only/ player I’ve got that works atm.

Now, if Win98 hadn’t been such an abject failure in every way then I miight have given it another chance. But that’s it. No more. When I get time this becomes a linux box…

Anyway, what’ve I been up to then? Well….On saturdat morning I wandered into London to change my camera and show James the shops in which you get to drool over carious bits of computer/electronic equipment. We also had a little wander into a computer show show where I nearly bought some dubious memory at a dubious price….I also feel that I have to show of the recipt for the ticket since the bloke at the Underground Station seemed at pains to point it out to me….so here it is….just check out the bottom line – cool innit :-)

Afterwards we wandered out to [CENSORED] to meet up with some of my university friends (Hope, Paul, and Cassie (James arrived with me))…..It was nice to relax and chat to people….

Although a little odd being as I last saw some of these people ages and ages ago….

Afterwards I dropped in on Kira to hand over the bottle of wine which was promised, a mere month and a half ago…..Efficency at it’s best ;-)

She foolishly invited me (and James who was being given a lift back) in….and, um, well, we stayed….until 8o’clock….which was cool, although James was outteched….and sat down saying “I must learn stuff”….which I found rather too amusing….

Anyway, I’m meant to be learning Java, but I’m far too much of a people person and am thus suffering from lack of people….hence I’m off to Kira’s tomorrow…. :)

Right, time for me to do something….

—
Kate