Well, Mmmm. Not good….The idea of going back to work as “male” has actually been making me feel sick, to the point where I might have to take some time off work sick because I feel so awful all the time. Although I’ve been suspecting that it was happening for a while (the last few days) – I wasn’t really sure until yesterday…and that caused a bit of a problem.
You see, around the time of my GCSE’s, when I suppose I was really gender crashing for the first time (I really struggled with day to day life and spent almost all my free time when I could as female)….I went to see the doctor because I appeared to be lactose intolerant. However having removed all the milk from my diet we decided that that was not the cause…so we moved on to various other things – and various treatments, and eventually came to the conclusion that it was a stress related disorder. Now; I suffered from it continuously until I started dealing with TS issues. After I started to deal with them then there was no problem whatsoever. Interviews – which had previously been hell on earth, I could cope with. Infact nothing bothered me to the extent of making me ill….
But now, after 6 months it’s back, and I feel sh*t. And for some reason it brought all the old neurosies to the surface. To the extent that I spent a good 2 hours crying last night, solidly. And lots more time crying on and off during the day….calling myself useless, unable to think of a single achievement in my life, and not believing in my friends (i.e. feeling that I wasn’t actually cared about by anyone)….
Martin tried to talk to me, but I just ended up crying and hanging up – I simply wasn’t capable of it….then I lay in bed for hours….I got virtually no sleep (about 2 hours I think) and crawled out of bed at 5am to watch a rainstorm.
Then crawled back to bed…then got up. And all day I’ve been trying to make myself feel better about myself but I simply can’t. I started to cheer up, when I managed to do a bit of Java – but even that started to go distinctly pear shaped (i.e. I can get half of the program to work the way I think it should, the other half has to be done the way in the book….)
I’m feeling stupid, unloved, miserable. And I’m depressing myself about work to the point that I feel I might have to quit just to survive. Otherwise I’m going to end up (ultimately) being very, very ill. But with no other skills and no competence in Java (I’m just not that good at teaching myself) I’d be without a job, and with a lot of expenses going out…
Well. We’ll see…
—
Kate
