Tag: Old Site

Right, well, the award for complete idiocy goes to Ms Kate Elliott, who having written a complete copy of “in my brain” for today sent it to herself, deleted the original at work, came home said “save” didn’t check it had, and deleted that version too….

Fortunately the picture of Habib made it, which is important for reasons which will become apparent later….

Anyway, today’s not been too bad (apart from that incident with the deleting e-mails)….I actually did a couple of odd jobs at work today, and spent an inordinately long time on the phone to RM about various minor problems…

But that’s not why I’m in a good mood. I’m in a good mood because I yet again have a social life this weekend….and I have a week off to learn Java….so no “male mode” or at least no “listen to sexist remarks and pretend that they don’t bug me mode”….

So I’m chilling….despite being dragged out of bed at 7:30 by the postie for a registered delivery (it was a Herbie DVD :) and despite being called sir today (okay; I’m meant to look male at work but I don’t need it rubbed in)….

Anyway, yes, what’s with the Habib picture? Well, Kira and Rachie keep claiming I’m sweet, and cute….and sexy! Ha! Anyway, after a variety of these comments Kira said that I look like Constable Habib from the Thin Blue Line…..now for your edification (if you’re not knowledgeable on the characters from said TV series here is a page with a (rather grotty) picture of Habib and Myself…..as you can see, they’re not similar at all….

However, I’m not complaining, if people find me sexy….cute I also quite like (although I reserve the right to defend my lack of cuteness)….but I refuse to accept “sweet”.

However I may have to think Kira, Maria, Jenny and Rachie for their help getting PPP to work on the Linux box…. I’ll be testing it later tonight…. so we’ll see….

Yes…anyway, I thought I’d say what happened on monday….yes…

Well, after my RR appointment I went out for a cup of coffee and a Danish while I waited for Lisa and Jamie, now, perhaps this is a good point to mention my new cool top which proclaims “Rude When Nude” (and it’s purple, how cool is that???). Anyway this van pulls up to the traffic lights, and aparently I pass more than I believe in that they, um, suggested that I should prove the comment on my teeshirt. And,,,,,um, yeah.

The thing about it is at one level I was thinking “humph, no respect for women” – and at another I was thinking “Cooool :)”.

So…um. yeah.

anyway, I think it’s time I went for a shower….and changed my sheets….and sorted out what I’m taking tomorrow….

Byeee

Kate….

[Ed]: this is essentially a rant after a really, really bad day….my appologies to SuSE, but not to RHA….

Excuse me, Arrrrrgggggghhhhh!

I hate “Red Hot Ant” and I hate “SuSE Linux” at the moment. Why? Well, Red Hot Ant have continued to “maintain” their level of service; this amounts to me having to retry connections about 40 or more times most days. This, as you can guess is quite irritating. Infact it’s bloody infuriating; especially when I’m in the middle of a conversation, I get cut off by a 3 hour disconnect, and then have to wait upwards of half an hour for another connection .

Why do I hate linux atm? Becase it’s fated (like many things in my life) to be a disaster. We’ll have the summary of disasters: Having got my P75 server I required a case etc, so I ordered one. It went to the wrong address; 2 times (incidentally it was the same wrong address). Having got them I trundled off to purchase a hard disk, not being able to afford a new one I bought a second hand IDE one online which was descibed as having “no faults”.

This was a highly innacurate description, for although I payed for a 4 gig drive I got a 6 gig drive which sounds like a lawnmower and has 2 gig in bad sectors.

Finally, I got the machine together. Installed linux. The modem didn’t work. I get a replacement modem, which does work…..

And so we’re here. With a partially configured machine, which, and I’ll be honest is completly useless. I can’t persuade it (when it does connect) to add the alledged gateway from Red Hot Ant to the routing table, mostly initally because their “default gateway” doesn’t actually (excuse me) f*cking exist. Hours I spent cursing linux, my modem, my inneptitude. Wondering where on earth I was going wrong – and infact it was that the IP address they give is incorrect.

So, having logged on using my windows machine I managed to get the gateway info (or at least I thought I did), however, when I try to add this gateway on the Linux machine it simply stops. It doesn’t crash as such – in that the infamous [Ctrl]+[c] kills the program “route” command but it doesn’t add it.

That added to the fact that there’s about a million other things to setup (like getting it to redial automatically, because the chances of getting a first time connect to Red Hot Ant are smaller than the chances of a meteor falling on your head), and the fact my modem has a “Blacklist” function which currently requires it to be reset (as in switched off and back on) after 20 attempts makes me want to scream.

I would love to switch over to Linux, but since every piece of documentation I have contradicts something else, or contradicts cold hard fact (such as “the file is located at /etc/…” when it blatantly isn’t, and “the file will look like the example below”; no it won’t). At the moment it seems Linux does not want me – despite the fact that whatever I say I love linux.

Anyway. next up, what has been going on in my life (now I’ve got that out of the way!)…well, I had my second appointment with Russell Reid, which went okay, I changed my hormone regime rather drastically, but hopefully it should be slightly healthier and more effective….

I also spent an inordinately large amount of time shopping :)

Lots of fun…then I fell apart on Monday night at the idea of going back to work…and seriously considered quitting – just because I find presenting as male for work really, really hard. Especially when my boss starts commenting on other women….

Anyway….

/me dissapears.

/me uses IRC to much ;-)

Kate….

Well, I’m not exactly much happier, but at least I’m not crying now….I went to work today and just about made it through, although I was nearly in tears for no good reason several times – which was fun.

I suppose, reading yesterdays comments I just felt that they weren’t how I feel now. I think, having calmed down I don’t feel quite so bad about myself. Not good. I wouldn’t go that far. But not so bad. I think, with Linux, the thing is unlike with RISC OS where I was unafraid to do stupid things, and unlike Windows where I’d seen it in use loads – all I’ve had very little experience of Linux for such a long time. And that that I had of Unix was not at a level where I could “play”. I could fiddle, mildly, but I did infact spend most of my time doing project related stuff.

I also have no-one to just hang around and watch – and thus see it in use…so it’s kind of harder to pick up stuff (since one of my main methods of picking up skills is just to watch – which probably drives people nuts).

So, yes. Anyway, with my dad’s help we’ve maybe got something compiling although neither of us could work out which package it was in – so it was just a case of “install all those which it suggests”. Anyway, the compiling has got much further than before – although my system appears to be limpingly slow. I’m thinking PCI soundcard (SB 16 PCI or nearest equivalent. I think it’ll end up being the SB128 ‘tho), more memory and maybe, just maybe it’d be a little bit more bareable.

Anyway, yes. I also think I know what had upset Java….but fixing it’ll probably upset what I’m building today. Never mind.

My head is still filled with thoughts of my uselessness and my manyfold failures – but I think I’ll survive. I think much of this is caused by my job which just makes me feel like shite every time I go in.

Anyway, never mind.

—
Kate.

Well, lets see….

Last night while I was online I was vaguely involved in a really interesting conversation (vaguely because I was shattered (as per). Essentially the question was “Why can’t I live as male”. Now there are various essential reasons why I can’t – I don’t relate to people in the way that men relate to others. I also can’t cope with my body being “male”. It simply does not fit; when I close my eyes in the shower what my brain says is there isn’t what is physically there, and this leads to major mental discomfort (and occasional physical discomfort!).

Anyway, the conversation kinda evolved and eventually we were discussing our behaviour, and some people were saying that [my interpretation] they aren’t entirely themselves, because they don’t do some things because they aren’t feminine. Which I found kind of strange, since the only reason I started this course of action was I was truely fed up of not being myself.

Not being me made me depressed, and rotten company (not that I’m any better now….). So, I sort of said that I do pretty much whatever I want to do – I play with computers, I lie under the car – I think I’d’ve been this way whichever sex I’d been born – however I also go shopping, I wear nail-polish, I drink gin ;)

Anyway, part of the upshot of this is that I kind of logged off and thought that it sounded like I was a fairly sane person, happy and being myself. The problem though is my neurosies, of which there are many. Infact I think I’m probably one of the most neurotic people I know. I also have the ability to go from being almost confident to the state of believing that I’m truely worthless in a matter of seconds. Which incidentally is how I’m feeling right now.

Neurotic. Neurotic because I was in Bristol, and I saw Beth gender crash and I still couldn’t get the nerve to talk to her. I desparately wanted to; I doubt I’d have done much of use – but I couldn’t becuase I’m absoloutely neurotic when it comes to meeting new people. I have to know them before I’ll speak – and despite the fact I’ve spent hours talking to them online I still can’t bloody manage. How useless is that? Neurotic about giving people hugs, about what they think of me, about everything on the planet.

Why am I feeling worthless now? I have no idea. One minute I was fine, then the next I was thinking about 22 wasted years. Then I was in the middle of a major crash, trying to hang on to my mind because I was driving. It’s insane to be so easy to upset. Especially because there was no reason for it. And now it’s cold in here too….

I suddenly feel like curling up again, so I think that’s what I’ll do.

Kate

My goodness, I’m writing this at a sensible time!

Well, after a gentle hint from Nikki yesterday *g* I’ve decided to update this with what happened at the weekend!

Well, what happened is that I went to my first TGY meet….

On friday I flew home early, showered, changed, and flew into Reading to pick up Kelly and Lisa. Having located the early arriving Lisa (I was early anyway) we sat in the car, chatted a bit, I painted my nails and then grabbed Kelly, who was squeezed into the back of the car…..along with her stuff – and some of Lisa’s (being as the boot was full of BBC Master (which in the end didn’t get used, which it turns out was probably for the best as the spacebar’s apparently stopped working since it went into storage!).

Despite Lisa’s appauling directions *g* (“it didn’t say 16 on the junction”) we got there fairly much on time, or at least at the expected time…..where we were welcomed by Kira, and the many who had already arrived (I think that’s Kate K, Andee, Beth, Ryoko & Rachel (Nikki and Jenny arrived a little later)).

Anyway, so we sat around, chatted, generally relaxed (or at least I did, dunno if Kira was relaxed with a bunch of nutters in her house ;-)

Now, as my memory is reknown for it’s poorness, I can’t remember the exact order that things happened, but I do know that over that weekend there was a jam session (for the talented) – during which I took photo’s – which will hppefully be appearing tomorrow – but not for general public consumption! Also I *cough*gotmyearspeirced. You see, we went shopping and there was this evil bunch of transexuals who forced me to get my ears pierced. Or something like that….

Actually I’ve wanted them done for a while, but been too afraid to do it. And I decided to stuff everyone else – I wanted them pierced – so when several others there got it done I joined them. I however was the only one to attempt to keel over! It wasn’t the pain which made it only to “ouch” – it was the thinking about it afterwards bit (I also blame the fact that the shop was very hot), so, yes, I kinda stood, then sat, then stood (thinking I felt better), then sat again….and repeated this – but actually once I got outside (fresh air ‘n all) I was fine.

Yup so I’ve now got pierced ears – which I’ve managed to bash and catch things on (ouch)…..

We also watched “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” which is cool (thanks Ryoko for bringing that :-)

Anyway, I was rather sad to leave (wish it’d been a bank holiday….), but hell – I had a great time :)

Then came monday – back to work, with pierced ears…..I was a little nervous – but for no good reason as far as I can tell……No one commented on them, not one person! I was soooooo dissapointed…..I was actually kinda hoping that someone would say something. The Bursor gave me the greatest look of “ohmygodwhendidtheyappear” – but didn’t actually say anything. And they didn’t say anything to day either….

However two good things happened on Monday…..I managed to get Nikki’s Birthday present – which I was really stressing that they wouldn’t have, but luckily Newbury MVC appears to have an anime geek in it. I know this, becuase he was the person I chose to pay for the present – and he tried to get me involved in a conversation about Anime, which would be great; I love shop assistants who are really interested in what they sell, and so on, however my knowledge of Anime is amazingly limited…..

Anyway, so that was cool. And the other cool thing was that I got “love’d” again. Some random bloke in Tesco’s called me “love”. How cool is that – it made my day!

And Nikki seems to like her birthday prezzie (despite the fact it’s not her birthday yet….. ;-)

So, all in all pretty good atm!

LOL

Kate

Well, um, lets see, there’s a fair amount to say, quite a lot of cursing – some good things too……where to begin.

I’ll begin with Chris. Chris is beginning to really bug me….it’s not that he’s incompetent, although he is fairly, it’s not that he’s unwilling to admit his mistakes, or try and correct them – although that’s irritating. No, it’s his obsession with money. I just can’t hack it – it’s not that he want’s enough money to be comfortable, and not worry (which is what I want) – no – he wants to be rich. Now I’ll make jokes about it, and yes, I wouldn’t object to being rich – however I’m not actively running about after money, I have better things to do with my time.

But he seems to be obsessed. He plays at virtual stock brokering – so he can decide if he wants to do it for real, and seemed seriously upset when he lost virtual money – not like really upset, but at the same time there was a definate feeling that he expected to be making lots of money.

Now all of the above might be okay, I could probably put up with it….were it not for the fact that he feigned an interest in IT to get this job – but actually, he has bugger all interest in IT. He wants to be a manager – and he reckons the quickest route to getting a well paid managerial job is through IT. Now for some reason I find that imensely offensive. I do my job, well, I did my job because I enjoyed it – I now do it because I have to – but I’m looking for something which I’ll enjoy and which is more challenging.

I in IT because I love working with computers. He does not, infact he hasn’t got the faintest glimmer of interest in them past reading his e-mail and surfing the web. And somehow that annoys me.

Anyway, yes, then we’ll move onto today (can anyone guess that Kate’s making you all wait for the big news?). Yes. So today (well Friday) was to be the big upgrade day. I prepared my disks, I have all the drivers, the service packs….everything.

I backed up as much as I could, I fdisked….and that’s where the trouble began. First of all, I had to use Linux FDisk to remove all the partitions because cruddy MS Fdisk won’t deal with Non-Dos partitions. Grr. So. Anyway, I’ve got rid of all my partitions, and I divide up the disk: 2Gig, 3Gig (split into a 2Gig and a 1Gig), Gig.

They were to be assigned as follows:

Drive	OS	Format
2Gig	WinNT 4	Fat16 – so I can dual boot.
2Gig (of 3)	Win88SE – For Games	Fat32
1Gig (of 3)	No OS – For Data	Fat 16 – so both NT and W98 can read it
3Gig	Linux	Split sensibly for Linux

So, there you go, made sense to me….

However a small spanner appeared in the works. I was told, by various websites that W95’s format utility (and indeed 98’s) would default to fat16 for disk sizes of 2 Gig and below…..

Hence the 2 Gig WinNT partition. Unfortunately, having created the partitions with MS-DOS FDisk, I discovered that it’s definition of 2000Mb is different to mine, it’s being 2000.2, which appeared to be enough to flick it over to fat32. Of course I didn’t realise this until I tried to install NT, got all the way through copying the files, watched it reboot – and die. This came after I’d setup W98 too…

So, having discovered this I repartitioned the drive – and you at this point realise just how irritating MS-DOS FDisk is….why? Because it repeatedly verifies the disk. All the damn time. It’s reqally, really, really irritating.

Anyway, having repartitioned, I reformated, reinstalled 98, and lo – the disk was still Fat32.

Now I was at a loss. What the hell could I do? Then it hit me. PC DOS 7. My saviour, which incidentally refuesed to install, but allowed me to repartition the disks, quick format drive c as Fat16 and then reinstall 98.

At this very moment the NT installer is attempting to do it’s stuff. Although it fell over when it tried to reboot which I take as a bad sign – but there’s not much I can do but carry on.

Should it fail then I’ll try W98 SE as my only OS, but right now I’m so fed up of the 9x kernal that I can’t imagine that lasting long. The option of intalling just Linux reared it’s head earlier, and it’s becoming more and more popular with me, simply because every MS OS I’ve tried to install since getting this machine has not worked the way it should. Anyway, we’ll see if this has worked.

Well, that’s a resounding no. The machine simply hangs if I let it try and boot into NT, I don’t know if I should try just NT, First we’ll try Just NT, Although I think my HDD is beginning to get fed up of being verifed, partitioned, formated, reformated, reverifed…..

One thing that has amused me is that, and I hope the data survived as what saved it ist the fact that the drive is faulty, and so when – being fairly tired I actually attempted to format this disk – with all my backup data on….it clicked away and couldn’t format it – and I hit Ctrl-C in time!

Right….that’s it. W98 for games, and Linux for serious work. I give in.

Microcrap have pissed me off for the last time. What caused it? Well, I thought ha! Just use NT4 – that’s the ticket to sucess – but no. Because NT 4 won’t read Fat32 – which is where all my backup data is – they can stick it up their proverbial arse. I’ve paid for my last peice of MS Crapware ever. The machine will, for the time being dual boot 98 and Linx. Why 98 – for games and my Hollywood + decoder card.

Right; now that that’s sorted….(it’s formating c as I type) I’ll tell you the exciting news. If anyone’s made it this far…..

I’ve got an interview…..as me. This came about due to me being slightly tired, and also thinking that this was some midget little recruitment firm, and I’d never get anything from them, much like I get absolutely nowt from the companies I’m registered to as “Andre”. However I was mistaken, seriously so.

What makes me say that? Well, quite simply – he e-mailed me the next day with job opportunities, then rang me at work and now I’ve got an interview…..and part of me is bouncing….(no, not those parts! Not yet anyway!) – and part of me is, how shall we say, TERRIFIED!

Anyway, I’m quite looking forward to it in a sheer terror kind of way anyway – and it’s an excuse for me to get more stuff for myself – so I’m off shopping in Reading later today!

Right – I’m off to persuade this p-of-c windows install to actually boot in – and then I’ll be off…..we hope.

G’night!

Kate.

Well that was fun.

I’ve just been blamed for my sister getting her eczema back (or however the fuck it’s spelt) (stress). And for the impending desturction of my family. And been told that I should quit my job rather than screw it up for my sister – and then asked why I don’t talk to my mother.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt as alone, and unloved as I do right now. I just wish I could die and save my family all their fucking embaressment – which appears to be what I am.

For 21 years I didn’t do anything to screw up their happy little existance, but now I need they’re help and this is what I get. I know they’ve been really good so far, but this is too much for me….so it’s my fault is it. SO I CHOSE THIS DID I?

I desparetly want to go. I want to disappear, but I’ve got no-where to go. I’ve got no-one to see, no-one.

So I sit here alone and cry. And cry….

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to be away from here. Away from this blame. I don’t know how to cope. I just cry.

I need people – and I’m alone.

Kate.

Wow, morning! *g*

Major up….major down….dealing with them in order. I hadn’t been coping with work this week (as I said), and Nikki suggested that I “take friday off” and go shopping with her and Kelly (evil person that she is). And I was feeling absolutely lousy, and the more I thought about it the happier it made me!

So….come the morning I knew that I had to go with Nikki, there was no way I’d manage a full day’s work….so I did. This possibly wasn’t the best plan as it involved ringing in sick, which, it must be said this is the first time I’ve abused that. But tbh I was sick in a way. Sick in the sense that having me breakdown at work, or at least appear at work having cried all the way in would not look good. So, having rationalised that, I popped on my purple shiney nail polish, got dressed, and met Nikki. This time reaching her house by the non-senic route. *g*

And we headed off into London using the dreaded Train….which actually was fine yesterday (a first for public transport!). Yes, so….anyway, we went in & pausing briefly to eat junkfood (Yay!) met up with Kelly, who, it must be said – looked so much happier – with a big grin on her face….

After some geeking (Forbidden Planet) – we trundeled down Oxford Street, and Carnaby Street….

Shopping – good for the soul!

Yes, we shopped….well, they more shopped than me, because I’ve got to get some sunglasses and my car to pay for….and so on….so I was planning to maybe get a long skirt, or somesuch, but nooooo. Oh noooo. The Evil One, sorry – I mean, Nikki took us to a shop (in which I’m convinced she has a part share, or is a member of the profit sharing scheme)……

Y’see when I went to see her last I tried on this fantastic dress – chinese, gorgeous, mmmmm….and this is the shop she got it from. And, erm, I got one. Yes. So. Moving on….Kelly was also ensnared by the dresses and got one for herself, and a leather jacket. The dress costing -£50, unlike mine which was +£50…..

How come? Because she is good at bartering and turned the £200 total into £150! I dunno…some people. So, anyway. from now on Kelly’s going to have to buy all my stuff for me ;)

Yes, so we limped around Tower Records; The Evil One repeating her trick – and sending me out with a CD I’ve been after for ages (the soundtrack to “Different For Girls”) but had actually started to believe was unavailable (it doesn’t list it at the end of the film and absoloutley no-one had it in their database…however it does exist (Oceandeep Records, OCD010). And now I have it, and can play bits of it very loud!

Anyway, yes, we trundled/limped/staggered back to Kelly’s (I’m not used to exercise you see – and by the end of the day my foot was killing me!). Tried on the day’s purchases and “modelled” them to the sound of the camera’s click! So, we wait with baited breath for the photos :).

Eventually, as darkness fell, we headed back (stopping for more junkfood!) and eventually got back home – where I sadly had to leave Nikki (to her parents)….

And headed home. Feeling more and more miserable on the way.

And now, Im miserable, although whenever I talk to people I perk up….which is good – since Rachie’s just come on IRC :) as has Kate K and Sarah Lou…..Yay….I’m off to talk to them.

And moan at my computer supplier – if they ever answer they’re damn phone!

Byeeee.

Well, I thought it was time to write about something….the stuff which is going on in my mind.

However it’s difficult to say when it’ll be uploaded – because the PC has just been (temporarily) upgraded to Windows 98, first edition. Why? Because having spent many moons getting the perfect setup of 95 it all went rather pear shaped – and I had to reinstall the OS. But being a K6-II and me being lazy (beyond the normal cause of duty) – I went the 98 path….oh dear.

Anyway, onto what;s been going on. Well, lets say that my life is becoming a struggle, every morning is a fight to get the will power to make it in. It’s really a struggle even to get up at the moment.

Although I think I’ve won over that one….by the simple step wandering around in my dressing gown until ten minutes before I need to go, at which point I pull on the clothes….

However I’m npt sure how long I can do this – it’s getting seriously stressful, to the point that I am frequently depressed beyond belief by the time I get to work. To the point where I’m nearly in tears driving. This is obviously not the good. Infact I’ve actually decided that the only thing to do is to skip off tomorrow (it was suggested to me) – sick, as I simply cannot cope this week.

Although I’m not at all sure that the being myself will do anything but make it worse.

Now, Kira’s suggested that I should transtition at my current work place, and I would – but for my sister. I would be willing to give it a shot, girls, staff, Tony….all of this I’m willing to try and overcome, but to screw up my sisters life as well if it goes wrong. Well that’s just too much to do.

Although I’d dearly love to – simply because it means that when I move on I get a reference in the right name, and no-one has to know I was ever male….which as far as I’m concerned would be wonderful.

Kira also claims that I look fine, which I don’t believe, at least most of the time. But sometimes I look in the mirror and I definately see a female – which makes me feel much, much happier.

Anyway, one thing that did make me laugh was the Alice cartoon today, particularly the last frame (below)…..

Anyway….

I’m off….g’night.

Kate