Tag: Old Site

Eeep. Mood swings….

Yesterday I was meant to go to this meal thing with other members of staff (for one of their birthdays. However it being work I’d have had to go as male, and I knew I simply couldn’t hack that. But I’d said I would go!

For the first time ever the fact I get ill when I’m really stressed helped me….I managed to make myself feel (and look) so ill that my colleagues agreed that I probably shouldn’t go. Which was a godsend – because after today I know I simply wouldn’t have coped.

What has happened today? I honestly don’t know. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m verging on tears. It’s insane.

I was going to go and look for some sunglasses today (prescription, as I can’t see otherwise!). But I just couldn’t hack the “excuse me sir, but the majority of mens glasses are over there” line which I got last time I went in.

Instead I ended up spending far too much money on CD’s, and some books – in an attempt to give me something to do today. Unfortunately it’s not worked because I can’t concentrate at all.

The mood swings just make it impossible. And I have no idea what to do to deal with them! Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to cope – but right now that’s pretty hard.

Kate….

Well, sometimes I fear that I use computers too much…..there I was grabbing some desert…and I went for the spoon….unfortunately my dad’s doing some decorating and the spoon wasn’t in the draw, infact the draw wasn’t there….

Now I located the spoon after mere seconds of looking – but as I munched on my apple pie I entertained myself with considering my spoon locating problem in terms of arrays, variables and some error messages that could have been returned had I not been better written…..

Okay, now I feel really sad. Perhaps I should delete that last bit…… ;-)

Yes, so, anyway this is just a kind of quick update – it’s simply here to say that the mood swings seem to have departed (more or less), I’m just deadly bored at work – and I mean deadly bored. I’m also having to wander around cross-armed because certain parts of my anatomy are over sensative. I mean! I’m already wearing a tee-shirt under my shirt (the shirt is just too corse), but this is boody silly.

Of course it’s put a huge grin on my face….and people are probably wondering why I sometimes just start grinning!.

Anyway, yes, I’m in the process of writing a job app for another postition – which infact it turns out I applied for last time it came up – and didn’t get an interview. As is is, I’m determined that this time I will get an interview. Dammit I’m good. Not brilliant, but a fast learner and I’ve got lots of experience.

The one downer is the realisation that my server won’t be running X. Why? Because it only just meets the base SuSE requirements memory wise…..even if I nick memory out of my 486 it’d still not have enough – well, actually it might, but then the 486 would have to boot over the network (indeed it’d become a thin client…..)

Anyhow I’ve got this lousy meal tomorrow, why lousy? Because it’s with work – so thats “male”, and it costs money when I really can’t afford it. What with my car – which is hopefully going to be okay after tomorrow…..and the possible hint of the merest possibility of me considering getting a house…..and the server (I really, really need to get good with Linux again) well, I could do without this meal. I wouldn’t mind so much if I could go, but having to masqurade as male really does my head in.

Still…..get to see Nikki on Sunday which should be cool!

So, time for the off….anyway.

Lot’s of love….

Kate

Moodswings are funny things, well, actually they’re not funny. Not really remotely amusing to be totally honest. But there’s not much you can do about that.

This revelation has come upon me after yesterday where I swang between almost totally depressed (an hour to get up in the morning doesn’t seem sensible), to fairly happy (although not extactic), to depressed again. All day. At moments during my work day I was almost in tears – for no good reason whatsoever. And then; later I’d be happy and bouncy.

Ironically this managed to coinside with several other people’s moodswing-fest, and thus the various causes and so on were put forward by people. Now; here’s an odd thing. TS people on hormones have an ~28 day cycle, the same as born women, i.e. we get moody for a few days a month! And while chatting online various people made the connection (regarding themselves) that they had hit 28 days since they changed/started hormone treatment X.

I however like the dumb idiot that I am just sat there being morose and not thinking about it. Mostly because I felt amazingly depressed at that point. However, by sheer fluke, just before bed I noticed a train ticket poking out from a shelf. And being bored and miserable I picked it up and looked at it. Then the light dawned…..as I looked at the train ticket that had taken me to see Russell Reid, and the Calendar…..1 month.

Infact, yes, today is the 1 month aniversary of me starting hormone treatment – and thus I am much less surprised at the fact I’ve been more than a little moody. Actually today I’ve been working on not shouting at Chris.

And the fact that it’s kinda hormone related, and so on has cheered me up rather a lot. At least now I have some idea what’s causing the problem! Anyway, why would I be annoyed at Chris? Well, two reasons.

I love computers, it’s why I do the job I do. Not because I want to make millions (I’m not saying I don’t, but I don’t expect to). I do it simply because I enjoy the work. Chris however isn’t using the job as a stepping stone to further technical work, no, he wants to be a manager. Which p*sses me off, because it means that all the stuff he spouted about being “interested in technology” really is as unreal as I had begun to think he was – what had caused this was the fact that I devour the news when I get in….read reviews, learn about RAID, the technology behind different processors, memory etc. He doesn’t. I’ve reinstalled the OS on my computer multiple times – mostly through my own idiocy, he’d never done it until he got here.

And most damningly the question: “What is Linux anyway?”

What? I don’t expect to have to tell someone in the IT Support department what it is, yeah, sure they might well have not used it! I myself haven’t used it properly for years (although that’s about to change), but hell, he didn’t know what it was! Does he read computer magazines? No. Well, he reads “Computer Active!” which for americans (if you don’t have it) is kind of computers for people who want to learn how to point and click.

So, he finally admits he’s in it for the money – so I feel honour bound to shatter his dreams of enormous wealth from computing, certainly from being sysadmin which is one of my current aims (either that or web design – and odd pair I’m aware, but I enjoy both).

And then it comes out. He wants to get into……management. Then why in god’s name am I attempting to train him. What’s the point. He’s just here for the 10 minutes of technical stuff on his CV, so he can dissapear off into management and p*ss of the real techs. Aaaarrrgghhh.

Then, (this was early in the day)….it emerged that they couldn’t (as yet) work out what is wrong with my “car”. Now, they’d had it for ²/₃rds of the working day when I checked – and it hadn’t given them any grief (unlike me), and they couldn’t work out what was up with it.

So, in the spirit of desparation I started my search for a new car. Now; the office has two computers – one of which is used more for admin, and the other for network admin. The net admin is the one us lowly techs normally play with as my boss is often doing the odd spot of admin work in between his websurfing.

So I started – and I was looking for “cheap” cars essentially. On the basis that I need a working car by Thursday. I.E. two days away. However Chris has just found a “virtual stock trading site” – and wants to play at stocks and shares. This is what I find irritating. I’m trying to actually do something serious and necessary, and he keeps asking to nab it for 5 minutes to start this share stuff.

What is more irritating is that when he was car hunting, not even like “need it now” car hunting but “need it in a few months, need to see what’s available” car hunting – I just left him to it, grabbed a book and read that sat on the other side of the office.

When I need to do it, and urgently, his games get in the way, and they’re more important than my life…..aaaarrrgggghhh!

See, I told you I was being a moody cow.

With great strength of mind I didn’t tell him to p*ss off, but eventually I did gently manage to hint that I wouldn’t be in on Thursday if I hadn’t found a car. At which point he seemed to get the message…..

Yes, so, that’s been driving me insane all day. And I’m bored. We knew it would happen – the job isn’t even remotely challenging and nice though it was when I left uni to have a job where I didn’t have to think too much (occasionally I do, but not often). I now want something more challenging (read interesting), and also just as importantly where I can be me.

Because I can’t at the moment. And to be honest it’s killing me, I’ve started not looking forward to coming to work – which has got to be a bad sign. It’s a real shame because it could be challenging, and improve their performance, but we’re so tied in to RM, and Tony likes RM, so that means that we’re stuck with NT 4 – whereas I’d like to set up a Linux box – as a server, and a machine or two as 95/98/NT clients and just learn how to do it that way.

What really gets me is that we’re reliant on an OS/Company who recommend rebooting the servers because they slow down. I can’t see the cause, I’m not sure if it’s NT or the RM software on top – but after a few weeks of heavy use they (the servers) slow down and have to be rebooted. And as far as I can tell it’s always been this way.

Come to think of it it’s probably the RM stuff since the two servers without seem okay.

Gah! RM! Do I hate them? Yes indeed. Overpriced, lousy service and anything else they can do badly, it appears (to me at least) they do.

Still. Hoepfully soon be out of here. There’s also the possibility of a house looming on the horizon, but tbh – the chances are slim, and with my car dropping to pieces they’re slimmer.

Ahh well.

Anyway, it’s nearly time for me to go home, so I think I’ll bung this on the CD-RW and trundle it home with me….

LOL

Kate.

Well, I don’t think I’ve felt so truely miserable for quite some time. It’s easy to see the cause this time though – after such a good weekend, I could feel the comedown happening on Sunday night, as I took of my nail polish.

The swapping of my stuff from purse to wallet didn’t really help….

I awoke this morning desperate not to go to work. I sit here on the verge of tears, it took me over an hour and a half to get dressed for work – and I couldn’t wear a shirt this morning. Simply couldn’t.

I’m verging on calling in sick….why? Because I feel sick. Not sick because I’m ill, but sick from misery. It just furthers my belief that I need a new job. If I have to go through many more mornings like this then I won’t survive. I certainly won’t be able to keep the job.

What’s more scary is that I’m ready to transition – not physically maybe, but mentally I’m happy to. I’d do it tomorrow if I could. I hate this half-way position more with each passing second. And at the moment I just want to cry – I can feel the tears welling up behind my eyes.

Anyway.

Kate.

Well, what have I been up to? Well, I decided – against the advice of the many to take my car 200 miles (and yes, as expected there were some short breaks where my car decided to opt for not moving instead of the 70mph I was previously aiming for).

Anyway, yes, so let’s say what happened. Well, I decided (unilaterally) to go and see Jenny up in the frozen North; in an attempt to improve my chances of getting there in a good mood I fitted my new fuel pump, which by a pure fluke actually fitted. Yes, amazingly despite the 1 in 3 chance of it being the right one – it was. My luck must be improving. However on the downside this pump does seem to be rather more effective at sucking crap onto the fuel filter which is now almost totally blocked. :-(

Anyway, despite the unscheduled stops – some of which were a little hair rasing – me and the car made it to Jenny’s place, where I had a really good time – it being nice to sit and chat, (and see the tigger movie *vbg*). Erm, yes. So, anyway yes, just spent loads of time chatting and wandering about the park and me watching the rain – as it ran into the car…..

The unfortunate thing about visiting people is it reminds me just how social I am at heart. I’m not that good at emotions/communicating, and I haven’t managed to get myself that much better at it because I’m stuck in the middle of no-where and all my friends are a minimum of 45 minutes away. Which doesn’s sound like far – until you think you want to just go to the pub with someone, or just have a quiet evening in. It all involves planning. And it’s lousy. And add to that the fact that I don’t feel at home in my parents house anyway – I feel like I’m a visitor. They were here and decorated when I wasn’t here. Every time I come back something’s changed.

So I’m feeling displaced. I’m desparate for somewhere to live, but I don’t know that I can hack living alone. Not that it matters because I’ve got to find a new job first, and at my current rate of sucess I’ll be well and truely buggered – since I can’t stay in my current job once my body starts to change significantly.

I’m beginning to wonder (given my current mood) if the lack of estrogen when I went away (3 days w/o – ‘cos I’m a stupid idiot and forgot to pack it) has caused some mild depression….still I’ve taken today’s tablet, well, actually, I’ve taken this evenings tablet (which is a mere 50% of the daily dose – because being hormones you don’t just pop the ones you missed. You missed em, they’re missed….)

Anyway. I’m off to bed – it’s an early start tomorrow – at least I’m not in “male mode” – pure andro when the girls aren’t there….

G’night.

Kate

Well, how are things in my world? Well, my car is still buggered, indeed more so than ever before – it’s periodic decisions to stop have now become regular stopping off points – I have my own section of hard-shoulder with “Reserved” painted on it now *g*.

Not only that, but my “region free” DVD drive has opted to become a diskless DVD drive – in that a large selection of the disks I put in cannot be played….at all. And some of those that can be played ski[p like buggery, or (as in the case of “blade” – which incidentally I got for 6UKP) simply stop completely.

So that’s not good. However on the plus side there is a possibility that I will b able to get my “reactolight” glasses which should be called: “don’treacttolight-butcoldinstead” changed for normal lenses……I would be more pleased but they want me to send them back to the branch where I bought them (as opposed to simply popping down to my local branch) – unfortunately I bought them in Birmingham.

The other good thing that’s happened is that I got a phone-call from a company about my CV, for a web consultancy role – which I’d be quite fond of, and also most importantly the hormones are definately doing something….yes indeed….apart from the fact I definately feel happier, there’s also the fact that I’m quite distictly getting “better” (i.e. softer/smoother) skin, and my chest is definately developing! So, I’m really quite happy about that.

But what’s been in my brain recently is something that James said: he described the generic ability to use computer software as a skill, and I’m beginning to fear that there are some people who will never master it – in much the same way as there are people who will never master violin playing, or painting.

It surely cannot be something that you’re born with? I mean it can’t be that the majority of people really have to relearn all the skills when they change package can it?

The fear that perhaps it really is true was sparked by an occurance at work. I popped mozilla onto one of the machines in the office – purely because I wanted to check what some pages ‘d look like in something other than MSIE 5, and that happened to be handy. (Since I’d downloaded it to take home). Anyway it fired it up and Chris said “What’s that?” in a kind of, what type of software is it – so I said it’s a browser, and he explained that it would take him ages to be able to use it.

And I looked at it and thought – but it’s essentially the same. It’s not like going from say Notepad to Word where you have whole new sets of options and new things you can do. This is essentially the same in all important respects, so “favourites” are called “bookmarks” and there’s no button for it on the toolbar – how hard can it be to click the menu option.

I thought “but what do these people do when we upgrade?” and then I realised – they ask for help, they want classes in using it – they don’t learn conceptually, they learn specific details. Whereas me, James and I suspect most techie people simply lear a concept.

Point, click – it’s a concept that we apply, where as other people learn to “press the left mouse button”. To us an icon is an icon, to them a word icon starts word when you double click on it. That’s as far as they go.

But what I don’t get is most of these people can use any coooker or any TV. They get the concepts for that – why not for operating systems and software?

So that’s my question for the day. Why do people not gain a conceptual understanding of operating systems and software?

LOL

Kate….

Well, the moon is shining after yet another day, and I feel slightly more positive than I have for a while. Not like leaping about/ happy woo-hoo kind of positive, but definately more positive.

I just had a quick chat with a Nikki – and I voiced a statement which passes through my mind fairly frequesntly:

 

“I sometimes feel like I’m sprinting towards it and at other times I just don’t”By which I mean that I know my destiny – I know where I want, no, need to get to – and I know that if I can stay the course then I will get there. Sometimes I have faith in myself to achive it and it feels like I’m moving swiftly towards my goal. But sometimes, and it’s felt like this for the past few days – I’ve felt like I was getting no-where. I was just pushing a rock up-hill and overall getting no-where fast.

This feeling drags me down into depression – but it’s odd because the depression never seems to last the night. Even last night when I felt like complete sh*t, and was on the virge of tears for most of the evening – I still got up this morning feeling happy, although I spent most of the night desparate as I literally couldn’t sleep. I reckon I got somewhere between 6 and 7 half-hour bursts of sleep – with each interupted by me waking up for no good reason.

That meant that I’ve lived the whole day on caffinne and hence am off to bed now…..

g’night….or at least a better one.

Kate.

I don’t know whether it’s the hormones, or whether it’s just me, but my mood today has been like a yo-yo. I started this morning on an emense high for no really good reason, then I got a letter from RR which made me even happier. Then I went to work, and had a fairly average day – by the end of which my good mood was definately fading.

But it was mearly lagging – then I got home – and it had turned cold – which was a pain in the arse because I needed to change the alternator (or at least remove mine in preparation for replacing it tomorrow.

Now, having got the first bolt undone I looked at the Haynes manual, and the “photo” and realised that as per usual their grasp on reality was somewhat slim. Either that or maybe they just made it up.

For whatever reason my alternator which looked like their photo was mounted by two quite rusty looking bolds – however since the first bolt had looked rusty I attempted to get these free.

Now unlike the alternators I’ve seen before this one required 4 bolts to be undone – not exactly the simplest mounting ever – indeed it’s the worst I’ve ever seen. Having not even managed to succeed in getting a spanner onto the really badly placed bolts (and having forced the alternator down (using a spanner) – this is meant to tilt?????

Anyway – my dad came out and had a hack and after about 10 minutes we had a socket on there – applying the huge amount of force it took to move it and then snap – off came the head. It had (approx 50%) rusted through.

So now, my “car” which was going to be used to take me on holiday is going to have to go into the garage for about the rest of eternity. And I can’t afford to go on holiday – a holiday I really, really needed. Lots.

So I’m miserable as fu*k again. Indeed I just want to curl up in bed and cry; my car which I was dead proud of has eaten an entire months salary and still isn’t roadworthy. Not only that but I can’t even guarantee that after this it will be – there’s still a variety of other repairs to do.

I don’t know when it’s gonna stop; it feels like the money’s just going to keep pouring out indefinately.

Kate.

who’s going to sit on mirc and feel sorry for herself.

 

Fnarf – how many things can go wrong with one car? Just how many? Arrrghhhh! I think it’s trying to distract me from my split up. I mean – so far we’ve had a service, which included a gearbox link, a new fuel pump (which doesn’t arrive ’til monday), new temperature sender (if I can get one), and now the alternators decided it’s going to die….

Fnar!

Apart from that I spent most of the day doing a job a trained monkey could do – converting a text file into nice HTML – made worse by the fact it was a text file from a pdf – and had lot’s of italics & bolds which needed to be reinstated.

However – at least it was web-design (even if kinda tedious)….I also managed to help someone do something – and I also learned that people are incapable of reading the Help files. They’re one of the few actually good things about Windows, so why don’t they use them?????

That really bugs me.

And then I want to teach them how to use any piece of WP software, but they are taught how to use word and that’s all – Arrgh!

The problem today is I’m mostly just plain fed up. I now have no money, and my plans for this weekend have rather gone to pot – because I daren’t take my car anywhere where it’s not _got_ to go.

Hopefully they’ll have a alternator in stock for my car – but it’a pain in the arse and it means I can’t go jogging tomorrow am…..because I’ve got to go and find out if they have the alternator – so I can spend tomorrow trying to fit it.

Argh!

still, I just had a nice conversation with my ex….

And apparently the ‘mones are starting to kick in (I’m hungry _all_ the time!)

Well, we’ll see…

LOL

Kate