Tag: Old Site

Okay, just thought I’d natter….I woke up this morning desperately down, why? Because I felt so lonely – I just longed to roll over and give someone a good morning hug / kiss. It actually took me ages to get up, because I lay there feeling depressed that despite having sorted the rest of my life out I still always fall for those I cannot have. I’m sure that one day I’ll find someone. Well kind of sure. I think there’s a vague hope that oneday I might find someone. Perhaps. But at the moment, there’s no-one there and it hurts sometimes.

Anyway, having hauled myself out of bed, and done my mornings ablutions, I looked through my post….

It’s funny – after 22 years there’s not much left of “my” life. No bank details, no university details, not even car insurance! Sure, theres historical evidence, but…well. It just seems a bit odd – and it made me smile to think that I think apart from my driving licence (for which I need some photo’s, and so it’s waiting for a day when I feel I look female)…or at least until next week and my passport – which is waiting for me to do my driving licence…I have no ID for my male past, letters which arrive (unless they’re important and I’ve forgotten to tell someone) just get returned with “Not known at this Address” on….

It’s good. I’m finally me. It’s taken me 22 years to get here, so not the quickest becoming of self ever, but I’m here – and I’m pleased.

Anyway, I’m meant to be doing java, but I’m just doing one of those periodic “let’s put these documents away before they get lost” and “let’s put these somewhere sensible so I don’t stand on them” type things.

Oh, and – I’m resisting the urge to go and buy computer bits……although I’d very much love to….

Mmmm, 256Mb ram…Mmmmm, a big hdd and a P150 for playing music (with a nice shiney soundblaster)…

Oh, one cool thing I did do this morning. I was sat there thinking

 

“Arse, I’m going to have to make up a lead to go from”
[Nightstar, the DVD machine] “to” [Noachis-Terra, the P75 Music playing machine]
“and I bet I don’t have any connectors…or cable”But, in a fit of tidying I bunged two old speaker cables in the “Audio Cables” box, and lo, when I looked in there, there was a nice, shiny, (new!) stereo 3.5″ jack -> stereo 3.5″ jack connector – which is exactly what I’m after….

I have this word I feel the need to say, but I shouldn’t becuase it’s an awful word and I hate myself for saying it….oh, sod it…

Coolerama <g>

/me laffs and dissapears off to deal with the 8-million bits of paper she has lying around….

—
Kate

Well, I didn’t really feel up to work today…not at all. Since I was still tearful although I wasn’t out and out crying. I’m more and more convinced this is Hormonal. Oh well…

Anyway, I had a mildly productive day. I reinstalled linux 3 times on Noachis-Terra and that last time, just as my patience ran out it all worked! Printer, network card, graphics card….

Everything….

And lo, I did play some MP3’s, and lo I did find that you need the newer version of the kernel for the Avance Logic soundcard….as it suffers the same fate as the Cirrus Logic one in here….

Oh well, it was intended mainly as a printserver although it’s chronically slow at printing too!

Overall I think it beats my K6-2 400 to boot tho’ ‘cos the SCSI card in the K6-2 takes a while to reset and check for drives….and also I use kde2 <g>….

Anyway, yes. I’m feeling a lot more human today. Not happy, no-where near happy…but, well, better.

I just felt I ought to pass that on….

I really ought to do some java, but I’m just feeling shitey….so….

—
Kate

Well staying at home today may well have been the best thing I’ve done for a while. Just becuase I’m feeling a lot better, not like spectacular, not even “good”, but I’m feeling better, having coaxed Java to work (actually not that hard!) and equally having got Forte 4 Java to crawl along at some unbearably slow pace….and I thought it was bad under windows – although it does say in the readme:

“The Linux JVM is more resource-intensive, so Linux users may want to have a higher memory configuration.”

Which, err, isn’t brilliant, because I quite like Forte, despite it’s “quirky” behaviour, which lead me to swearing at it quite often. It’s just convenient. Although once I sort out nedit on here, and since the jdk is now in the path (yes I’ve been productive. I just couldn’t lie there being depressed for some reason)…I may change my mind.

Anyway, yes. So that’s cheered me up somewhat, although the waiting for this person to get back to me from a recruitment firm is not cheering me up…esp since it means I can’t be online. I know it’s sad, but I fancy some company atm, and the only company I’m able to get is that of my friends online – going to work would just make me feel far worse. Still, only 3 days left….

Which reminds me….

One Time Limited Offer Click on the image to enlarge. For a short period of time I have available one, yes only one (limited edition this is) PCW82560. Unfortunately I don’t know if it’s working, I’ve never encountered one before so I’m not sure if it should print any message to the screen when it’s switched on. It doesn’t tho’! There’s no software with it….it has a single 3″ diskdrive a Green Screen and 256K of ram.It’s going on a first come first to get basis, and is the cost of postage (although if anyone wants to offer me money for it <g>)…. Interested? I thought you might be…mail me at: Kate@acronym.freeuk.com

Okay, so I shouldn’t really use my diary to get rid of stuff, but I feel bad about throwing it away. Some people don’t even recognise the number so perhaps it’s an uncommon one….how should I know? It’s an Amstrad!

Oh, yes, I’m in the mood to comment on “Scary Movie” (Wow, Soap Opera, Free computer equipment, Diary and Movie reviews all in one….must be good!). Yes, so on sunday I went to see “Scary Movie”, now some of it would have been lost on me as I’ve never watched “Scream” – or indeed any of the Scream series of films….

But I know the idea behind them….and I’ve seen enough horror movies to get the majority of jokes. The problem I had with Scary Movie is that it felt like some fairly good set pieces linked by very, very flimsy links. There were good bits, not very good bits. But there were bits which made me laugh lots…unfortunately the word memorable does not spring to mind….(I can’t actually remember any of them!)

Some of the parodies of other films was quite good, particularly “The Usual Suspects”. But…well, it was underdeveloped as a film. It could have been so much better. It was also strongly american, which didn’t really help…. So overall? Well, 2 out of 5 I feel. It was watchable, but I wouldn’t watch it again….

Anyway, yes, so that’s that…

What else? Well, at the moment, becuase I’m feeling fairly miserable I’m getting tempted again. “Tempted?” you say. Yes. Tempted, tempted to go into london and spend money. Spend money on Music, Computers and maybe some decent clothes. All of which would be really, really bad. My car is in need of a service, I have no job and so would soon run out of money….but I really, really want to!

So. The other thing on my mind is fear. I know I can’t take 6 months of rejections from jobs, I know I can’t. It took me 6 months to get this job – and then I wasn’t appearing to be TS. Okay I was a mess mentally, but they didn’t know that – now I’m fixed mentally, but am TS. Wonderful.

If I don’t get a job in the near future I don’t quite know what I’m going to do – especially now they’ve removed my “run a small cinema” option. This was the Cinema in reading, on Friar Street, which they’re about to demolish in a heathen type act of vandalsim. This Cinema is a wonderful example of cinema architecture – and would make a fantastic small cinema, of the variety I’d quite fancy running – i.e. one which shows anime, sci-fi, art-house, etc. The films that aren’t so mainstream. And it’s right by a “suitable” bookshop….

But I don’t have the nerve, nor the money to do it. Why? well, the fear of it going bust and leaving me with no chance of SRS – because I’d need a loan for that and being declared bankrupt wouldn’t help with that. Also I have no idea how you run a cinema! To be honest I spend quite a lot of time persuading myself to not even try, which is sad, because they will demolish it, and it will be a terrible waste, and I will feel bad about not trying….

Anyway, I think I’ll logon, see if there’s any funky mail, and upload this….

—
Kate

I guess that answers that then. Can I do webdesign – no. Why? Well, I can’t have been that far out the door before the company I went to see sent of their “no, please fuck off and never come back” letter.

It wouldn’t have hurt so much except for the fact that aledgedly they’re interviewing for 2 more weeks. In which case I did so very, very badly that it wasn’t even worth waiting to compare me to someone else.

This obviously arrived at the perfect moment, with my mood being slightly in flux…and also all my post recenty has been name related which has I’ve enjoyed getting. The final thing which made it “unexpected” is that – well, he said interviews for two more weeks….so seeing a letter from Bath, well, I knew what it was even before I opened it.

And I knew I’d not been good enough to be an instant, “yes please”. But….I’ve not done this badly at interviews, not for a long time. So. What do I do now, now it appears that I’m beyond useless for one of my chosen careers.

Right now, I think I curl up for a bit, I feel useless and shit…

—
Kate

Well, I can’t believe it’s happened again…what? Merely a complete lack of enthusiasm for anything. I feel totally drained. I suspect this whole look cheery for work and pretend that I’m in a good mood is what does it…not that I’m actually in a bad mood you understand. Just tired of dealing with people who understand nothing and don’t try to understand anything….

Oh well….

And I had to go to sainsburys. On the plus side I did get a very nice white wine….which will do nicely for a few evenings mild boozing.

Y’know what the worst thing is tho’? I can’t even get the willpower to watch a film or read a book. Argh….. Oh well….

—
Kate

still cool.

**Typed up from hand written notes….made at work!**

Some days I just don’t have time for idiots! This is one of the reasons I don’t think my optimal job position is “support”!

Anyway, what’s been going on to bring me to this conclusion? Indeed that’s been going on generally? Well – as I said I’ve just had a job interview (friday) and a bit of interest on the job front today – particularly it seems on the sys-admin side – which is good news for me…..as being without a job for any great period of time could only be bad…!

So, getting these phone calls is doing my ego some good….even if it is sometimes “a little difficult” answering questions at work.

Anyway, on Sunday I had the pleasure of James’s company <g>. It’d been a while, or at least 2 weeks since I’d seen him – and we spent a (in my mind) enjoyable afternoon/evening wasting time and money (I was feeling a bit down (not very, but a bit) and decided that I’d stop the decline). Anyway – I finally got around to getting some Tangerine Dream (Le Parc), some Sleater-Kinney (Donna, I blame you whole heartedly for that one!<g>) and…thanks to @jakarta’s habit of mispricing goods when I go in there, a copy of Ghostbusters on DVD (for a mere 10UKP….much to the annoyance of the shop assistant who it would appear purchased it last week for 20UKP).

Anyway, our (James and mine) usual meander around Reading actually reveiled something nice! Yes! Seriously! We “found” (although I suspect that it would infact have been possible to merely ask someone had we known about it) a ruined abbey….right near the city centre….and, and – it might be suitable for some interesting photographs….

And, yes, there’s more….More I tell you! Yes….there’s a park. A really nice little park! And again, there’s some definate photo opportunity there….It must be said that this is the first time I’d seen it and I was impressed!

Anyway – and I was actually feeling quite creative yesterday which was kinda odd – as I’ve been well, so…..bored – to be honest that I’d not even remotely felt the urge to do anything. Unfortunately after a day of wandering around I felt so totally shattered that I just flaked out (more or less) when I got back….

One thing that happened on Sunday did make me wimper. Oh yes. I nearly screamed in pain….a person in Dixons (not a member of staff):

“Well, this one will definately be compatible, because we’ve got an HP computer at home”

No you haven’t. Not if I get my hands on it. You are clearly too stupid to own a computer and make purchasing decisions. It’s not that I object to people without knowledge of computers. It’s not like I’m the be-all and end all of information on the subject – but….at least I try and find out more. I don’t just make rash assumptions based on, well, a logo.

One thing I do wonder at this point is…if they break their keyboard (this person and his partner) – will they ring up HP or will their illusion be shattered by the fact that someone will sell them a generic keyboard…?

Never mind….

So, anyway, for whatever reason I came in today in a fairly good mood, but for some reason I’m just totally unable to tolerate idiots today…

Having to explain about the Resource Limit in windows to a “user” I could cope with – having to explain it to my boss? That’s just not right! (Won’t sticking more ram in help? No..no it won’t).

This followed rapidly by “lack of initative” by Chris….Okay, now he doesn’t have my knowledge or practical experience, but this one, this one he should have at least tried known solutions to rather than ring me up, and…what’s more ringing me on the “other” phone (i.e. the one in the server room) becuase the phone in our office was engaged. How am I meant to answer it if I’m on the phone?? >/rant<

I was soooo tempted just to shout “Use some initiative” – I mean, what is he going to do when I’m not there to answer the questions?

Never mind, perhaps it’s just me being a big spikey stress ball…or maybe I’m getting PMT. Hmmm, this is a thought which has only just occured to me (litterally as I write!)

Well that’s something to ponder….

Anyway I should get the letter to Brian written, since it’s been waiting for months….and….well…

What I need, what I really need is a laptop with a modem, so I can update from whereever I am….(okay laptop, modem, and modem which connects to evil-ultra-cr*p-mobile-phone).

I also need a whopping great payrise….

Anyway, I said I’d stop. So I will…

—
Kate

Yup; still cool.

Well, I thought I ought to write something up on the interview that I had on Friday. Unfortuantely there’s a problem with that…..which is….I have no idea how I did. Normally when I come out of an interview I can say “that went well”, or “that went crap”. It’s normally wildly inaccurate, but at least I have some idea I can feel good or bad about.

In this case I didn’t get a “good/bad” feeling about it at all. Nothing. Not a sausage. I came out of it thinking – “I have no idea how that went”. And apart from thinking in passing “Well, if it didn’t feel like it went well it must have gone badly”…but I’ve suppressed that, because I don’t want to feel cruddy without reason!

On the plus side I’ve got a 90% happy SuSE system sat here….what’s the 10%? Well it’s not recognising all it’s ram, altough that might be fixed next time I reboot (which will be after I log off tonight)…..and the other one is it doesn’t appear to have bothered with stuff to read MSDos floppies. Which is a bit of a pain. And it wants the kernel recompiled to do so (apparently)….*mutter*

Yes. So. That’s not so good.

Ah well….On the plus side I’ve got Fifth Element, The Truman Show (DVD’s) and Annwyn beneath the Waves (CD) which are all cool…I also got my car insured as myself; and yes….that was cool :)

So, yes. That’s my state of play….I also popped back to my freinds in Bristol, and I’m really beginning to feel that people do maybe, possibly, actually like me. Which is a really, really nice feeling!

It’s cool. Because they actually know me. Which is different from people “liking” the “other” me…..this is not to discount my friends from Uni which I’m scared of doing – it’s just cool to know that I – myself, not the watered down masculinised version of me – is vaguely likeable :-)

Anyway. So that’s really doing good things for my mood….

Right…methinks that’ll do…

—
Kate

 

Well, with my usual high efficency I’m writing a diary entry…..for what I did at the weekend…..!

Well, I wandered off to see some friends (ha, petrol crisis? what petrol crisis?) down in the Bristol area…and had a thouroughly relaxing time…I also took my main computer down, for a bit of expert advice and repair….Unfortunately things did not go entirely to plan…due to a dodgy network card…

Apart from the computer related things I /finally/ got around to watching Fifth Element….and now want it on DVD, and also, yes there’s more, sat around and chatted generally…. :)

So, I’ve currently got a commandline version of Linux on here….

Although that might change soon…..just need to not be busy for a bit…..What else have I done, erm, yes…something…oh yes, ordered a new CD-Writer, well, new is possibly not a strictly accurate term, but it’s essentially new….

Of course having done this my CD-Writer has decided to work…although it still made some distinctly unpleasant noises…..

Never mind, it needed to work because, well, I’ve got an interview on Friday, so wish me luck folks! Anyway, yes, I needed some examples of my work….why is it I only realise how untidy some of it is when I do the portfolio….

Like The Gallery which really, really needs to be tidied up….and so on…

Anyway, I got the disk done, despite actually reaching the point of swearing at both Windows (which kept crashing when trying to copy from a CD-RW) and RISC OS where Zap decided to have a day of crashing, as did Studio24….since I was a big ball of stress as today was the first day that my CD-Writer has come on in “working” mode….and it had actually recognised the CD-R….so I was trying to get a ISO image created for a portfolio of my work before it overheated….and having machines crashing left right and indeed centre did not do much for my mood….

Anyway, it got done eventually, using the wonders of FTP and the magic of 10baseT cable….

Anyway, I’m knackered now, so I’m probably going to go to bed….

G’night folks…

 

—
Kate

PS. The name thing is still cool :)

Tired. Yes. Very, very tired. I’ve tidied my room….it took seven, count them seven hours!. I’m absolutely shattered! But…but…you can see the floor!

Although the camera bag, filing box etc are occupying floor space…but never mind…Actually, I’ve just seen somewhere for the filing box to go!

Anyway, what prompted this? Well, I woke up this morning and decided to be a bit more positive about things. Or at least try. I mean, there is a hint that I’m not as awful a person as I think. At least other people seem to believe this…so maybe I’m not. And then there’s the fact that I actually seem to be coping with Linux – not by any means feeling totally comfortable, and there’s so much left to learn. But at least my system seems to be working! (Although despite the fact there’ve been definate suggestions that it should work Java still simply segfaults when I try and use it…)

So, maybe I’m not so bad, and not so useless….

And I know I’m capable enough to do lots of jobs, just need a bit of luck to get one…soon! I just need to hold onto this faith in it all coming together….which maybe it will this time…

Probably it will, just ‘cos I’ve spent seven hours tidying. It’d be very me to have to move having just tidied (not that I’m saying I don’t want to move! God no, get me a place asap!)

And on a totally other subject, a big Hi to Donna who linked to me (and to Tam! :-)

—
Kate