7nd Sept 2000, 12:59

Comments Off on 7nd Sept 2000, 12:59

Excuse if this page looks a little off….it’s the first one produced without the use of webprocessor. And I’m feeling really shitty so…

What happened? Why am I feeling down? Well….it’s just complete lack of sucess really. I feel like I’ve been a failure…the words from Peters Friends1 seem strangely appropraite, but I need someone to say them to me and I’ve not even got that.

Ever since my GCSE’s I’ve been failing, slowly. Infact, upto and including my GCSE’s my decline was apparent. I never made it into set one maths, this may be a small thing, but there was always a “reason” why I shouldn’t be moved. Until it was too late….then my grades dropped drastically for A level. Then I got to my Degree. Well that was an allround success story wasn’t it.

I should’ve given up there and then really. That will haunt me for the rest of my life that f*cking degree – and I know this. Because I know someone who has been haunted by it their whole life, only they have an MSC to at least prove that they aren’t a crap, non-working idiot.

Not that it matters. I mean, who’s going to want to employ an neurotic, miserable [Ed: 2024/03/18 – I called myself the t-slur]? It took me six months to get a job as “male” – and that is/was a truly lousy job. It didn’t even pay enough to get a one bedroom flat, or even a bedsit.

I feel totally out of my depth with everything computery that I touch these days. Java was coming, but since I can’t get Java to work under SuSE then that’s stopped. I doubt I can even write “Hello world” anymore (actually, thinking about it, I might be able to cobble that together. But nothing more complex). Linux has been another one of my failures. Sure it just about works on here – but it’s probably about as secure as RHA, I can’t install software, all I ever get are dependancy warnings, I get newer versions and they won’t install because something relies on the old version. I’ve tried stomping on the old version (frankly, I’m amazed the machine works at all now) – and that doesn’t help. The new stuff simply installs – then doesn’t work.

And that’s another demonstration of my miserable lack of success. How many other people search, locate and download a piece of software, install it – and then find that it’s actually a crap old version. Lots yes?

But how many can state with certainty that they went to the “official” site, and downloaded it, from the “Newest stable release” section? I can even prove it…it’s in my page history.

Wonderful eh?

I have no job now, or at least I have a job until the 30th. Then I have to find a new one. What are the chances of that happening when my strongest skill is in a dead OS on an obselete platform? Not that my “strongest skill” really compares to those who actually are good with computers.

What makes it worse is that everyone says “it’s easy to find jobs in IT”. And I just can’t. I looked through over 250 jobs today, probably nearer 300. I found one which was even remotely within my capabilities….and what are the chances of me getting it? None.

Why do I say that? Because at best, yet again, I will come second. Since I tend to put myself second (at best) I suppose that its not really a surprise that everyone else agrees.

‘s funny. For a little while I didn’t hate myself. It was nice. Now I feel like shite again, and I just wish I didn’t exist.

Kate. 1

Paraphrased…: “I hated seeing all that promise go to waste and more I hated seeing how unhappy it made you”.


Kate's allegedly a human (although increasingly right-wing bigots would say otherwise). She's definitely not a vampire, despite what some other people claim. She's also mostly built out of spite and overcoming oppositional-sexism, racism, and other random bullshit. So she's either a human or a lizard in disguise sent to destroy all of humanity. Either way, she's here to reassure that it's all fine.