06 Jun 2000 – 17.39

Comments Off on 06 Jun 2000 – 17.39

Moodswings are funny things, well, actually they’re not funny. Not really remotely amusing to be totally honest. But there’s not much you can do about that.

This revelation has come upon me after yesterday where I swang between almost totally depressed (an hour to get up in the morning doesn’t seem sensible), to fairly happy (although not extactic), to depressed again. All day. At moments during my work day I was almost in tears – for no good reason whatsoever. And then; later I’d be happy and bouncy.

Ironically this managed to coinside with several other people’s moodswing-fest, and thus the various causes and so on were put forward by people. Now; here’s an odd thing. TS people on hormones have an ~28 day cycle, the same as born women, i.e. we get moody for a few days a month! And while chatting online various people made the connection (regarding themselves) that they had hit 28 days since they changed/started hormone treatment X.

I however like the dumb idiot that I am just sat there being morose and not thinking about it. Mostly because I felt amazingly depressed at that point. However, by sheer fluke, just before bed I noticed a train ticket poking out from a shelf. And being bored and miserable I picked it up and looked at it. Then the light dawned…..as I looked at the train ticket that had taken me to see Russell Reid, and the Calendar…..1 month.

Infact, yes, today is the 1 month aniversary of me starting hormone treatment – and thus I am much less surprised at the fact I’ve been more than a little moody. Actually today I’ve been working on not shouting at Chris.

And the fact that it’s kinda hormone related, and so on has cheered me up rather a lot. At least now I have some idea what’s causing the problem! Anyway, why would I be annoyed at Chris? Well, two reasons.

I love computers, it’s why I do the job I do. Not because I want to make millions (I’m not saying I don’t, but I don’t expect to). I do it simply because I enjoy the work. Chris however isn’t using the job as a stepping stone to further technical work, no, he wants to be a manager. Which p*sses me off, because it means that all the stuff he spouted about being “interested in technology” really is as unreal as I had begun to think he was – what had caused this was the fact that I devour the news when I get in….read reviews, learn about RAID, the technology behind different processors, memory etc. He doesn’t. I’ve reinstalled the OS on my computer multiple times – mostly through my own idiocy, he’d never done it until he got here.

And most damningly the question: “What is Linux anyway?”

What? I don’t expect to have to tell someone in the IT Support department what it is, yeah, sure they might well have not used it! I myself haven’t used it properly for years (although that’s about to change), but hell, he didn’t know what it was! Does he read computer magazines? No. Well, he reads “Computer Active!” which for americans (if you don’t have it) is kind of computers for people who want to learn how to point and click.

So, he finally admits he’s in it for the money – so I feel honour bound to shatter his dreams of enormous wealth from computing, certainly from being sysadmin which is one of my current aims (either that or web design – and odd pair I’m aware, but I enjoy both).

And then it comes out. He wants to get into……management. Then why in god’s name am I attempting to train him. What’s the point. He’s just here for the 10 minutes of technical stuff on his CV, so he can dissapear off into management and p*ss of the real techs. Aaaarrrgghhh.

Then, (this was early in the day)….it emerged that they couldn’t (as yet) work out what is wrong with my “car”. Now, they’d had it for 2/3rds of the working day when I checked – and it hadn’t given them any grief (unlike me), and they couldn’t work out what was up with it.

So, in the spirit of desparation I started my search for a new car. Now; the office has two computers – one of which is used more for admin, and the other for network admin. The net admin is the one us lowly techs normally play with as my boss is often doing the odd spot of admin work in between his websurfing.

So I started – and I was looking for “cheap” cars essentially. On the basis that I need a working car by Thursday. I.E. two days away. However Chris has just found a “virtual stock trading site” – and wants to play at stocks and shares. This is what I find irritating. I’m trying to actually do something serious and necessary, and he keeps asking to nab it for 5 minutes to start this share stuff.

What is more irritating is that when he was car hunting, not even like “need it now” car hunting but “need it in a few months, need to see what’s available” car hunting – I just left him to it, grabbed a book and read that sat on the other side of the office.

When I need to do it, and urgently, his games get in the way, and they’re more important than my life…..aaaarrrgggghhh!

See, I told you I was being a moody cow.

With great strength of mind I didn’t tell him to p*ss off, but eventually I did gently manage to hint that I wouldn’t be in on Thursday if I hadn’t found a car. At which point he seemed to get the message…..

Yes, so, that’s been driving me insane all day. And I’m bored. We knew it would happen – the job isn’t even remotely challenging and nice though it was when I left uni to have a job where I didn’t have to think too much (occasionally I do, but not often). I now want something more challenging (read interesting), and also just as importantly where I can be me.

Because I can’t at the moment. And to be honest it’s killing me, I’ve started not looking forward to coming to work – which has got to be a bad sign. It’s a real shame because it could be challenging, and improve their performance, but we’re so tied in to RM, and Tony likes RM, so that means that we’re stuck with NT 4 – whereas I’d like to set up a Linux box – as a server, and a machine or two as 95/98/NT clients and just learn how to do it that way.

What really gets me is that we’re reliant on an OS/Company who recommend rebooting the servers because they slow down. I can’t see the cause, I’m not sure if it’s NT or the RM software on top – but after a few weeks of heavy use they (the servers) slow down and have to be rebooted. And as far as I can tell it’s always been this way.

Come to think of it it’s probably the RM stuff since the two servers without seem okay.

Gah! RM! Do I hate them? Yes indeed. Overpriced, lousy service and anything else they can do badly, it appears (to me at least) they do.

Still. Hoepfully soon be out of here. There’s also the possibility of a house looming on the horizon, but tbh – the chances are slim, and with my car dropping to pieces they’re slimmer.

Ahh well.

Anyway, it’s nearly time for me to go home, so I think I’ll bung this on the CD-RW and trundle it home with me….




Kate's allegedly a human (although increasingly right-wing bigots would say otherwise). She's definitely not a vampire, despite what some other people claim. She's also mostly built out of spite and overcoming oppositional-sexism, racism, and other random bullshit. So she's either a human or a lizard in disguise sent to destroy all of humanity. Either way, she's here to reassure that it's all fine.