Tag: Old Site

Well, I still can’t get overhow lucky I am…..and how wonderful my parents have/are been/being….I realise how uncommon it is, and I really, really do feel like the luckiest girl alive at the moment…even with no house…

For the first time ever, my mother called me Kate…although she did ask me what name I’d chosen for myself when I was eating my dinner/lunch (dinner is at lunchtime, so I have lunch at dinner time) – nearly causing me to choke…Then later she came up the stairs and called me Kate….*smiles*.

On other fronts…..it may look like I’ve done all these updates in one go…that’s not the case, and anyone who thinks it is may request a screenshot of the filer window with “full details” on…..or else can just put up with it ‘cos they ain’t getting one….

What has happened is the FC have been having some “technical difficulties”….much like mine with the bl**dy nav bar….I will fix it….! Yes, so although my site has been (intermittently at least) present – I’ve been unable to upload anything. Which is really, really annoying….esp. as my readership seems to be bigger than I think it is!

Infact, I’ve decided to add a counter to the In My Brain index page simply to try and get an idea of the readership….I will also add a guest book at somepoint in the near future….but I’ve got some unpacking to do.

Yes, the time has come to get all the clothes I’ve been hiding away out of the boxes and into the closet (ironic eh?). Anyway…..yes….so that’s a challenge. Not least because there’s not really enough space in there for my “male” clothes, let alone a complete other wardrobe, which is pretty much what I’ve got; albeit a small one.

So, also there’s the small matter of all my underwear. Now, admittedly there’s not enough for me, if I were full time, but there’s still a fair bit…..Arrrrgghhhhhh, chaos!

Anyway, yes, Oh, and I’ve been told that my pages read like a soap opera….I’m kinda touched….’cept for the fact I don’t really watch soaps, apart from Sunset Beach which is truely hillarious….a doctor (the only doctor!) who don’t notice a womans walking around with a cushion for a baby, voodoo curses….hey – it doesn’t read like sunset beach does it…..? Please tell me my life’s better written than sunset beach!

I mean, I don’t turn the set upsidedown to change it from a factory to a boat!….c’mon….please……

Time to go and add to the chaos of my room…..

LOL

Kate

PS. a big Hiya to people from Uni I’ve just found out read this…so: Hiya, Pari, Cassie (actually I’ve known you read it for a while <g>), Ross and Charlotte…..anyone else out there??????

So….what happened this weekend then? Was it an uneventful, quiet weekend – or was it packed with thrills, spills and other such excitement?

Well. It started much as an ordinary weekend does. Me, in bed, being me. Lying there, unwilling to get up. Unwilling to face the reality of the real world…..So…..eventually I crawled out of bed. It was a gorgeous day, so I wandered out for a walk and took some fantastic(ly bad) photos….Then I went and got them developed (got them back today – they really are useless; either dull, blurry or, in the case of the holiday ones taken with a flash, overexposed).

Anyway, having done this…I settled down to my usual evenings entertainment. Being bored in front of the computer. Actually, that’s not strictly true. I settled down to being vaguely interested in front of the computer, then I moved on to reading my e-mail, using mIRC, and then getting some more info for the fateful day I tell my parents.

Then, about 10 o’clock I decided that perhaps this was the day. Perhaps now was the time. And I nearly threw up. I spent the whole of the next day (i.e. Sunday) feeling generally awful and achieving very little (although I did in fact clean my bedroom just to take my mind off things!). Then, I had an appalling dinner. Not because the food was in any way less good than normal. It tasted excellent – I just really, really didn’t feel like eating.

Then, at about 8.30 pm I told my parents. I sat them down in the lounge…they guessed I was gay (which I’m not), and various other things (simply because I didn’t know how to tell them). Until after about 3 guesses I told them. They were both initially very surprised, although my mother recalled suspicions from my youth, although my father had no idea whatsoever….

However they both said they’d support me as best they can. And my mother is now trawling through any medical paper, and all the general information I can obtain. So….that went much better than expected. Also, not only that Nikki has come back with a response so, hopefully I’ll be off to meet her next Saturday. So….that’s the way things look this monday.

Oh, and I’ve just found some really, really cheap insurance for my car. If I thought I was doing well before, well……

To be honest I didn’t find them. Chris at work did – but hey!

So….that’s all for today folks….

LOL

Kate

Gawd I spoil you lot….so many updates….so little time between them. Says sommat about how dull my life is really….

This is to be a depressing one. I’m not actually down at the moment – but I feel like expanding a bit of my history…..what brought this on? Well I read Natalies comments about suicide and I thought back to my near misses….and felt like depressing everyone.

As I sit here listening to Dustin the Turkey and Geldof (thanks Aoife) – an odd selection for talking about ending your life….actually it’s just finished. Anyway….

There was the near miss which was just because I didn’t care any more. It was the day I recieved my ‘A’ Level results. I had always dreamed of being a doctor, working in A & E. None of the Casualty/ER cr*p – I knew exactly what I wanted to get into. Stress, emotional pain, trauma. I knew I’d be perfect, yeah – I can’t handle stress all that well after all – I just get ill, but I still believe I’d have made an excellent doctor.

There was one problem. For the first time after joining the school I had some friends, most of them female, and I was desparately pretending to be male at school, and in my social life. I drove fast, (okay I still go pretty quick, but nothing like I used to), I smoked, I drank, but most of all I partied. I got drunk at them – because otherwise I’d have become so morose it would have been unbelieveable. Infact I don’t remember all that much about most of the parties I went to. Generally there was half an hour of getting drunk and that’s it.

I actually almost enjoyed them. The problem was after 5 years of being shunned I’d found some people who’d ceased to shun me, indeed they claimed to quite like me….I don’t know how true it is – I’m no longer in touch with any of them…which possibly says something.

Anyway, drifting again. Because of this I basically overdosed on going out – and although in real terms I did fairly well in my A levels, in my own terms it was a disaster. Not only was I not female, now I wasn’t even going to get to be a doctor. I wouldn’t get into uni to do medicine. My life was over. I managed not to cry until I was away from school. That’s not to say I actually saw anyone. I got my results – had the helpful comment from one of my teachers (who I later found out had not put the grades they’d agreed to put on my UCAS form – so it’s little wonder I didn’t get any interviews) – that there were other careers – and walked out the building.

To clarify – there was an external brick staircase leading up to the upstairs lab – which meant no-one could see me come out. So, I walked around the back of the building, got in my car and did almost the stupidist thing I’ve ever done. I drove home. Except I didn’t.

With tears pouring down my face I zig-zagged out of the town and down country lanes at speeds in excess of 60 mph. I simply didn’t care – I didn’t want to be me anymore – infact I didn’t want to be anymore – full stop. The car slid on a corner, and apparently my desire for survival outwayed my desire to die – as I just missed two pedestrians and a tree, and brought the car to a stop a couple of hundred yards down the road.

For the first time in years I simply cried. I cried for what felt like hours. I know how near I came to death simply by not caring….I just missed several cars during that journey. I nearly killed myself and some other people. And even when I went home I was still considering ending it. I have one person to thank for being alive. That’s David Newland – who I rang – still crying, and he managed to persuade me that it wasn’t that bad, that it was still worth living.

So…that was a near miss. Not so much deliberate suicide – but quite close. There were incidents before then, but I that was the nearest.

Then, at university – well, infinate near misses…. In the first year when the head of Computer Science lied to me (Jim Yandel). Simply failed to tell me that my acceptance onto the CS course was dependent on my grades in Biochemistry. Sorry? Please repeat that! Unfortunately he told me this about 2 weeks before my 1st year exams – only I went to see him about ½ way through the first term to see about changing and it wasn’t mentioned then – so do we think I worked at a course I was finding soul destroying or did I skip class, relax, and try to enjoy this half year of dossing? I’ll leave it with the fact I ended up completing a degree in Biochemistry.

When I realised I wasn’t going to get onto the CS course I sat in my room and did something which I used to do a lot. Listened to depressing music. Only I didn’t I just had it so loud to cover my crying. That day, with the medical kit in my room I looked at them, all the tablets and considered it again and again. Could I? Yet again I could see nothing to live for. I still hadn’t accepted myself as TS – infact I considered myself somewhat of a freak. I crossdressed whenever I could – but I hated myself for it.

I’m not quite sure what stopped me…I just didn’t do it. Perhaps I fell asleep – I can’t remember. I just remember darkness…

Then there was the day I recieved my results. I knew my finals weren’t stonkingly good – but I thought I was in 2:2 terratory. I still hadn’t accepted that I was TS – I had more or less accepted TV, and was coping reasonably – altough I was still periodically getting very, very depressed for no apparent reason.

So, I wandered in, we did the whole thing that my Uni did, photo’s ‘n’ all, and then wandered back to our department to get the results. There it was – a third. okay – I know now that it’s a degree, not a brilliant one – but probably about concomitant with the amount of work I put in. But there it was – on paper. And I thought I’d got a 2:2, maybe even scraped a 2:1. What made it worse is no-one seemed surpried that I’d done so badly. I kind of expected someone to say something. But no – it was taken as normal.

The thing was – and is – I’ve not had even a resonable self image – and now it felt like everyone had been expecting me to do badly….again…just like my school. What made it even worse is that I was predicted a first when I arrived. I left. Alone – again, no one from my department checked if I was okay….

I felt so very, very alone. Everyone else had done well, and here was I with a lousy third. I managed to get into my room, already crying – and took with me a bottle of vodka….and something else. When I get really stressed I smoke. Not a lot. Less than 1 a week! The craving has been there when I’m stressed since ‘A’ Levels – but I’d managed to hold it at bay until my finals, when I decided that I had quite enough stress without trying to deny this – so I’d bought a pack of cigarettes….

And smoked about 4

So I sat there, vodka, coke and ciggs. And I tried to drink myself into oblivion. Leaning out of the window – and trying to decide if 2 floors up was high enough to kill me. The tears still pouring down my face.

I think no-one quite knew how to deal with me – I left my room once, went to the loo and came back – James asked if I was okay and I simply said “No”. And walked back into my room.

And I lent out of my window thinking what’d happen if I died. My parents would undoubtly find my stash of clothes. Oh great….so I’d be a tranny after death. Wonderful. And my failure to achive anything worthwhile would be universally acknowledged. But I couldn’t do it. Mostly I couldn’t hurt my friends and family. I (erroniously or not) believe that they’d miss me.

And I called in help in the form of the SO – but she was just a very good friend then…… I simply needed someone to cuddle me, and hold me. And she did – despite the reak of drink and fags….

Now….what about now?

Perhaps there’s a little bit of self-confidence in me, and I actually quite like some aspects of myself. I wouldn’t call myslef exactly gods gift to anything – but perhaps I’m okay.

Since taking the ‘mones it must be said I’ve not been on quite such a rollercoster ride. It’s more a kind of uneven road now….which is a hell of a lot better for me. And for those around me. Although I’ve always hidden my true emotions fairly well (another aspect of being TS that people don’t think about)….so perhaps they wouldn’t notice.

However the problem either with the ‘mones or accepting myself is simply that I’m now desparate to tell my parents. As in dying to. Despite the fact I feel like throwing up whenever I even consider it – I’m actually shaking at the thought….I just want to get it done. I’ve told all my friends – or at least they all know. I’ve done that one. I’ve been to a party as me. I just want to get going on the rest of it….I want to stop the testostorone in my body doing anymore damage.

Perhaps I will, perhaps I won’t yet….I have this feeling it’s all going to come tumbling out at some point….

Anyway – that’s enough I feel….a big HI to Brian, because I forgot his birthday for the first time in years, and I’m still REALLY REALLY SORRY!!!!

Okay….

Night night…

Kate

PS. If anyone can work out an easy fix to the Nav-Bar problem on PC Browsers – tell me, I’ve been fiddling with the pages for a while, and I’m not getting any joy with making the table stick together. Even specifying the size of the cells doesn’t seem to work…..ahhhh crud….

Well. Hmmm. This is a challenging entry….I thought about not writing this one, purely because the I know that the person involved in a lot of this reads this, but well, it’s what’s in my brain, and I’m not lying to my avid 10k readership…..(actually, the number of hits seems to have gone down since I actually added my site to some search engines as opposed to not telling many people of its existance whereupon it got thousands of hits…).

Anyway. Avid readers will know that I was intending to move out. I still am…and having seen a really nice house I thought I had it made….Well, actually I didn’t. I hoped I did, but in all honesty I knew what was coming and I’ve known deep down for a while…. That doesn’t make me any happier, but it does mean that when it came I wasn’t 100% shocked.

Anyway, I went with my (at the time) housemate to be, and saw this house, with which the only fault I could find was that parking was difficult, but not impossible…. However, my housemate to be, despite not being able to name a single fault didn’t make a decision. So, at that point I’d almost resigned myself to it. He didn’t want to move. I’m not sure at what point in the past he decided he wasn’t going to move, but I wasn’t going to push – becuase if he felt it wouldn’t help him there wasn’t any point.

To explain. The rationalle behind me moving to Reading had three parts:

1. Helped housemate to be because he was not happy with rent
2. Helped me because I want to get on the path to SRS, and I can’t while I’m at home
3. Reading’s not a bad place to live, esp since I’d actually like to make some freinds, and I’d also have enjoyed the company of the housemate to be

However my housemate to be’s reasons seem to have been rather more vague. Indeed he doesn’t know what they were. So….after feeling screwed, depressed, and thoroughly p*ssed off I trundled off to chat with some like minded people on IRC – because I (sad though this makes me sound) have no local friends and staring at the four walls on my own was somewhat depressing. (Note: I do have friends but they all live miles, and miles, and miles away).

So….there I was, and then a possible saviour appeared. Someone else, who needs to move, and wants to live in Reading….so, hopefully at some point in the not too distant future I’ll be off to see her. So, I’m not feeling totally depressed.

And interestingly, the ‘mones seem to have stabalised my mood somewhat, if at the expense of making certain parts of me suddenly become very sensative, and/or itchy….

Anyway….

And there’s a possibility that my S.O. may have a job….

Perhaps thing’s ‘ll be okay after all…

LOL

Kate….

Well, let’s just say I feel down shall we.

Yet again I’ve slowly slid down into a feeling of complete depression….why? Well lots of small things.

This weekend was meant to be kinda relaxing in that I arranged to see a friend and do some cooking (which I though’d be a laugh and would allow me not to concentrate on being TS which seems to happen far to much, and also would take my mind of splitting up with Hannah, and the saga of my car). I also took monday off so that I could repair my car (being as I was under the impression that once, just once an order might arrive the day I was told it would.

All of which I’d classify as “good things”. However it didn’t really turn out quite right.

Saturday was lousy. Or possibly beyond lousy. Why? Because I had to do “boy mode” for the whole day. Explain: I started re-building the porch last year in an attempt to help my parents, however time constraints and wood shortage ment that it was periodically put on hold. However the last few bits of wood were purchased on the basis that my ability to look male for the village would decrease rapidly over time and thus we need to finish it soon. However as I stood there sanding a piece of wood I could feel myself becoming more and more depressed.

Then Hannah rang – and we had a row (which is quite impressive for a non-couple) about the fact I had decieded to go out on Sunday – but I don’t think she reaslised just how desparate I was.

That basically was my Saturday.

Sunday, well sunday in many respects went well. The only problem (apart from the near disasterous desert I produced (edible)), was that being called by male pronouns really began to bug me this weekend. Indeed I really find it hard now. Which is unfortunate because I know James tries really hard, and I don’t expect him, or anyone else to get it right all of the time but on top of what happened today it just make me feel more lousy.

I mean I can understand how hard it is – I get the pronouns mixed up, I get them mixed for myself as well sometimes, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

So, we move onto Monday. Hannah came down, this was stressful. She also managed to use male pronouns (3 times), I had an argument with my mother about wanting to move out, she used male pronouns.

I went to get my car parts, they had arrived. One was incorrect – meaning my car is _still_ off the road, the other may be incorrect (1 in 3 possibility – as the fuel pump is “type a” and there are two other types…however just to make it more fun you can’t tell which type it is until you take the bloody thing off).

Oh, and I got my first rejection from my new jobsearch (which is depressing at the best of times). “Your exprience does not match our requirements”. Have they considered PUTTING they’re requirements somewhere so I could tell??????.

Sh*t, I hate being this low. I feel like I should be happy – I’ve got so much going for me, and here I am moping around.

I think I’ll go and stare at the ceiling a bit more now.

Kate.

The stress is definately getting to me. I can tell this because I’m screaming at things. This is never a good sign, and what caused it was a simple issue. Me wasting 113 pounds because f*cking Pioneer were to f*cking lazy to respond to any of my mails.

And one wasn’t sent through the pile of cr*p that is red hot ant, so I actually believe it should have arrived.

Now, wasting 100 UKP isn’t good. But wasting for no good reason, when you couldn’t really afford it is worse. I’m hoping that the company in question will take the drive I bought back – but if not, then I’m stuck with a new DVD drive which I can’t afford – and which hasn’t fixed the problem.

What is the problem? That my DVD’s corrupt the screen, then crash the software when playing. Why did I think it was the drive? Because it started with a specific kind of disk, then spread, like a virus, to all my disks, which suggested that the drive itself was dying.

This doesn’t explain why I’m screaming tho’

It’s stress, and the stress of pouring this money away just sent me over the edge……I can’t afford it anyway. Why the f*ck was I so stupid?

Why was I stressed already?

Because I can’t cope with living 2 existances, I can’t cope with lying to people about who I am, I want to be me – all of the time.

It takes me over an hour to get dressed in the mornings now. That is insane – but I simply don’t want to go anymore. I just want to cry atm, I want to be me – I know who I am; it took me 21 years to get to that stage, I don’t want to waste any more time.

Oh god…..I’ve had enough……

I just don’t want to do this anymore.

kate.

Feeling pretty good today…I don’t know if it’s the ‘mones but I’ve been feeling much more motivated recently….what? You don’t believe me? Hey….today I’ve been to town, bought some socks and some leggings (my SO finds this highly amusing that I say “well they’re comfortable” about things…). Anyway, yes, located the household waste disposal site (to get rid of some junk)…although I’ll have to go and do it tomorrow….found the leak in my car – and hopefully fixed it…washed and polished it….and added this site to the UK Angels web-ring….oh, almost forgot, did some rust treatment on Nina (front wheel arch and pass-side (back)door and sill, fixed the loose doorhandle (as best as it’s possible to without buying new parts).

So, how’s that? Not bad for a Saturday…and I’m considering tidying my room….because it’s driving me NUTS!

Oh, I also stuck some oil in Nina…..she was just on the minimum mark, so tomorrow I’m going to get some oil, and check the (fixed) leak – and if it’s been a nice night then I’ll take a photo of her looking pristine….

Mmmm….so how am I feeling? Dead positive….I don’t know why, I’ve had a nice few days, started using mIRC again (Hiya folks & thanks Aoife (although I’m now stuck listening to it (Aoife’ll understand that one))).

Ohh….multi-bracketted sentances….I love’em.

One problem with working on the car – my hands feel dead dry now….which is not good. I’ll be putting more moisturiser on them…..oh, and my parents have been home all day, so I haven’t had a chance to try on my leggings….

Anyways….I’m off to tidy my tip, sorry, room…..(I can’t wait to move out….some s p a c e !).

LOL

Kate

Well, here’s a novelty. I’m writing this at work…why? becuase it’s been a quiet day and I’m not really doing anything specific at the moment.

I’ve got a headache courtesy of my wisdom teeth which appear to be attempting a comeback attempt on my jaw. Ouch!!!! So, a day staring at computers probably isn’t the best job. AND WILL SOMEONE ANSWER THAT PHONE!!!!!

Sorry, that’s been driving me nuts (and still is), but it’s up 3 floors, not in my office, and thus I can’t answer it. Still. Someone else just has, so that ought to help my mood a little.

Anyway, I’ve just designed a new site for the school, unofficially. I’m not sure wether it’s going to be used, but it’ll be the first Vision Site to go live if it does. Of course they don’t know that!

Unfortunately most of the site actually came courtesy of their old one which was done in Front Page. So I spent about half an hour on each page just removing non-existant tags, and tags which were opened then closed imediately. But, it was nice to get some web-design in.

The hormones…well, how have they affected me (week 1…)? Have they affected me at all? Well. I feel calmer, I don’t know if that’s just my imagination or if it’s real, but it certainly feels real! Also, on recieving some really bad news earlier this week, rather than instantly sinking into depression, it took much longer and I didn’t hit the real bottom line that I used to.

So, perhaps they’re helping….and I can’t wait for (shall we say) any other developments…..

What I also might have mentioned last time (can’t check, don’t visit my site from work for obvious reasons). Anyway, yes, was the fact that I went to a PARTY!!!! Yes indeed. As me.

One of my flatmates had a party, and Plan A was to go as myself (he wanted to meet me), and get changed for the party. However, we skipped on the getting changed bit….and I had a really great time. Most people were fine, I got some odd looks from one person (although she was okay the next day), and there was one interesting incident in the evening.

This (really friendly) American lass, Catherine(?) I think, anyway, she kind of looked at me a bit oddly initally, and when we got talking she eventually asked about my “attire”. Although for the first X minutes me, and all the people around me were trying to work out what “a tyre” had to do with anything. And whether it was some odd Americanism that we’d not heard. And then it clicked….

And then I can’t actually remember what my response was…it was vague I recall…(hey, their punch was about 30% alcohol, but tasted like it was 0% alcohol…went down far, far, far too easily). Anyway, later she asked what I’d be wearing next time I saw her (like when?!), and I said “Oh, something similar to this”.

I can’t actually remeber her question, but it resulted in the explanation that I’d pretty much always be dressed like this (although I sit here now in jeans…!). At which point she queried my Adams Apple….So I explained…okay this is tedious now.

Basically she was fine about everything and turned out to be really nice! Also, for the first time in my life I had a really long chat with Cassie (another university freind who I’ve just never sat and chatted to).

This section read:”Which was really nice”. This is not appropriate. I’ve used “nice” too many times. Suffice to say that it felt great to be myself, with my friends and almost totally relaxed. Yeah, okay I was stressing quietly initally, but by the end…well, I was just happy to be there. So, thanks to Paul for organising it, and thanks to everyone else for being so cool….

LOL

Kate

Well, for the first time ever I’m writing on a PC! This is simply due to a decision to use my Acorn to replicate some data, which is something it does singletaskingly, which means that I’m unable to use it as a HTML editing thing.

So, I’m doing plain text on here, and I’ll ship it across in a few minutes…still, let’s evaluate shall we…

I’ve had a shopping accident, finally bought my parents combined Xmas/Birthday/Birthday/Mothers day/Fathers Day/New Year present, gained a computer and started on a kind of course of hormones :-)

The computer is a poor BBC Master which was to be disposed of by my school….if anyone can promise it a good home give me a shout; I think it’s in reasonable condition (although the lettering on the keyboard is rather worn), and it doesn’t have any leads with it.

The …present is something I’ve been planning for a while, the shopping accident is from think geek http://www.thinkgeek.com/, indeed it’s kinda two shopping accidents – one is a Geek Girl tee-shirt, which I thought was kind of cool, and the other is some Programmers Fridgemagents…. which though immeasurably uncool is quite fun.

The hormones, well, where to start. From recently recieved advice I’ve heard that my LHA (Local Health Authority) aren’t paying much towards TS treatment (i.e. nothing towards surgery and getting hormones isn’t going to be easy)….this isn’t the greatest news – so I’ve started on some herbal hormones, and a low dose of asprin to keep thrombosis risks down.

This is not something I undertake lightly (although you might think I do from the huge grin on my face every time I think about it…..It’s actually simply a low dose of estrogenic compounds (Dong Quai, 1000mg per day (thank’s Bj)). So hopefully we’ll know if it’s the right course of action by how my body takes to it….

Next up, I’m going to meet some of my friends this weekend….I’m not sure how many yet, but there we go…One of my freinds from Uni is having a party, the situation is…he’s going to meet me before hand, and then we’ll see how things go from there…..so I’m a bit nervous….

Apart from that, there’s another house to look at on Saturday….so if you’re house hunting in Reading at the moment, STOP!

Yes, so hopefully soon I’ll have a house, a car, a job and a life….

Okay….that’s all for today (I’ll keep you updated on the hormones)..

LOL

Kate

23 Feb 2000, 22:33.01.

Well, what’s happened today? Very little! So, this is back to the original more “in my brain” style thing….what’s been going on in the fertile recesses of my deeply odd brain.

Ironically I had been thinking about the meaning of acceptance (i.e. do people actually think of me as a woman, or do they still think of me as male…) when I received an e-mail from one of my friends which, it felt like (to me at least) he was admitting that he still thought of me as male….but it also said he was trying to change his perspective.

So, as I tried to explain to him (and as I thought to myself earlier). This is fine…..at least at the moment. Hopefully his opinion will change over time, as hopefully will everyone’s. But I don’t expect them to change instantly…why? The first, and easiest reason to explain is that it took me years to come to terms with it – now for others they have the advantage that it’s not themselves but they also have a big disadvantage to understanding. It’s not them.

The other reason is complex. Very complex….

It is based around your perception of gender/sex, and your mental self image…. I perceive myself to be (more or less) female. That’s not to say I believe my body is female (at least not consciously) – but in the way i expect people to behave, and indeed react around me I tend to expect something much more akin to the reactions people give to women than to men.

Over the years I’ve become conditioned to accept the reaction to my “male” body’s presence – but it is still sometimes odd to be treated in a way which is totally at odds with something I expect. Like for example being shown the advert for a piece of software for our server – with a semi-naked woman on it – which now graces the noticeboard. Even if I was [presenting as] a lesbian woman I suspect I’d still find it odd to have this thrust at me and be expected to make a “complimentary” comment…..

Fortunately my “Hmmm” noise is well documented and frequently used when I really don’t want to say what I’m thinking at work (I use it a lot generally (sarcasm) but at work it’s more and more used for that purpose).

Then there’s your mental self image. This is the image you have in your head of yourself, now frequently this is not quite right….dependent on your self confidence, what sort of mood you are in, how big-headed you are ;-), then it tends to vary slightly…. for example I occasionally think I look cool…..a foolish idea – and one normally corrected by the simple expedient of going past a window.

But I think you know what I mean….so the odd thing is my mental self image is wrong. Very wrong. Or at least it definitely doesn’t match my body, not at all it doesn’t. Which is very disturbing sometimes. I mean I’ve kinda “got used” to the fact it and I don’t agree, however it makes me very uncomfortable, and sometimes it gives me the most unpleasant shock (particularly waking up in the mornings).

What has all this to do with understanding TSness. Well? Well woman…spit it out….

The thing is these are all deeply ingrained in my personality – in my brain….right down deep as far as it can go. And the only reason I even know that they are there is because they are “wrong”. Because they don’t match what my visual senses are saying they cause an almost continuous clash. I dream of me, female….I wake up and I’m not. It’s odd to say the least. Now, after much time I’ve decided that I should have been born female. Not that I should be female, for at least the part of me which defines me, my brain, is female – as far as I’m concerned….it’s the bit of of me that isn’t (my body) which is the problem.

If it were vice versa….i.e. my brain were wrong, and I was defined by my body then people would have a much easier time understanding because visual cues are very important.

An interesting side effect of the visual thing is that if I dress as me and put a bit of effort in with the old shaver. Then the visual cues are female (unless you look too closely) and I tend to pass reasonably well, unless people actually look closely. Mostly because not only are the visual hint’s to me being female present, so are my actions, my movements….etc..

Now why is that. Apart from walking the rest of my actions are all what comes naturally to me. Acting like a male really is acting for me. I have to think about actions. I catch myself wandering about in a decidedly feminine way if I’m not concentrating – which means I’ve taken to carrying objects about so that I have to concentrate on them – or stuffing my hands into my pockets.

But all of the behavioural aspects are natural patterns – I was not taught to do this, a lot of it I didn’t even learn (at least not consciously) – but I do it anyway. Which makes me feel that I’m female – whatever anyone says.

But I know this because I’ve studied myself very carefully. But other people can’t see inside my head – and I suspect for most of my friends the gender they are matches their sex. Their self image is more or less right. So it’s hard for them to distinguish their self image and their perception of themselves and all the other things which make up their behaviour and personality – simply because it is so deep and so much a part of them that it’s impossible to see it.

So, that’s my opinion. I can’t claim that they are all original thoughts. Most of this has been suggested by manh people overmany years I suspect. And a lot of these general ideas cropped up on TG-Folk in a variety of guises. But I agree, perhaps have extended and had certainly thought about it in these terms before….

Anyway. I’m off to bed….because I’m tired.

People who’ve followed the PC saga will be glad to know that it’s okay again now….touch large oak forest. I’m now blaming “FreeYuck” (my ISP) for my problems – since using the same phone number I get a success rate of about 1 in 5…..

Although I refuse to let off DUN which definitely killed something….

And the printer, yes, anyone from HP reading please can you close your eyes now….the cartridge was brought to life! Soaking the ink producing end of it in isopropyl alcohol for about 20 minutes unclogged it….Wooo Hoo….

By the way, if any of you are reading this – and you found this site via a link can you tell me (please) I’d like to link back to anyone who’s linked to me here….I think that’s only fair….and also my links page is looking more than a little feeble….

Anyway. Sleepy time!

LOL

Kate