Well, lets see….
Last night while I was online I was vaguely involved in a really interesting conversation (vaguely because I was shattered (as per). Essentially the question was “Why can’t I live as male”. Now there are various essential reasons why I can’t – I don’t relate to people in the way that men relate to others. I also can’t cope with my body being “male”. It simply does not fit; when I close my eyes in the shower what my brain says is there isn’t what is physically there, and this leads to major mental discomfort (and occasional physical discomfort!).
Anyway, the conversation kinda evolved and eventually we were discussing our behaviour, and some people were saying that [my interpretation] they aren’t entirely themselves, because they don’t do some things because they aren’t feminine. Which I found kind of strange, since the only reason I started this course of action was I was truely fed up of not being myself.
Not being me made me depressed, and rotten company (not that I’m any better now….). So, I sort of said that I do pretty much whatever I want to do – I play with computers, I lie under the car – I think I’d’ve been this way whichever sex I’d been born – however I also go shopping, I wear nail-polish, I drink gin ;)
Anyway, part of the upshot of this is that I kind of logged off and thought that it sounded like I was a fairly sane person, happy and being myself. The problem though is my neurosies, of which there are many. Infact I think I’m probably one of the most neurotic people I know. I also have the ability to go from being almost confident to the state of believing that I’m truely worthless in a matter of seconds. Which incidentally is how I’m feeling right now.
Neurotic. Neurotic because I was in Bristol, and I saw Beth gender crash and I still couldn’t get the nerve to talk to her. I desparately wanted to; I doubt I’d have done much of use – but I couldn’t becuase I’m absoloutely neurotic when it comes to meeting new people. I have to know them before I’ll speak – and despite the fact I’ve spent hours talking to them online I still can’t bloody manage. How useless is that? Neurotic about giving people hugs, about what they think of me, about everything on the planet.
Why am I feeling worthless now? I have no idea. One minute I was fine, then the next I was thinking about 22 wasted years. Then I was in the middle of a major crash, trying to hang on to my mind because I was driving. It’s insane to be so easy to upset. Especially because there was no reason for it. And now it’s cold in here too….
I suddenly feel like curling up again, so I think that’s what I’ll do.
Kate
