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So….what happened this weekend then? Was it an uneventful, quiet weekend – or was it packed with thrills, spills and other such excitement?

Well. It started much as an ordinary weekend does. Me, in bed, being me. Lying there, unwilling to get up. Unwilling to face the reality of the real world…..So…..eventually I crawled out of bed. It was a gorgeous day, so I wandered out for a walk and took some fantastic(ly bad) photos….Then I went and got them developed (got them back today – they really are useless; either dull, blurry or, in the case of the holiday ones taken with a flash, overexposed).

Anyway, having done this…I settled down to my usual evenings entertainment. Being bored in front of the computer. Actually, that’s not strictly true. I settled down to being vaguely interested in front of the computer, then I moved on to reading my e-mail, using mIRC, and then getting some more info for the fateful day I tell my parents.

Then, about 10 o’clock I decided that perhaps this was the day. Perhaps now was the time. And I nearly threw up. I spent the whole of the next day (i.e. Sunday) feeling generally awful and achieving very little (although I did in fact clean my bedroom just to take my mind off things!). Then, I had an appalling dinner. Not because the food was in any way less good than normal. It tasted excellent – I just really, really didn’t feel like eating.

Then, at about 8.30 pm I told my parents. I sat them down in the lounge…they guessed I was gay (which I’m not), and various other things (simply because I didn’t know how to tell them). Until after about 3 guesses I told them. They were both initially very surprised, although my mother recalled suspicions from my youth, although my father had no idea whatsoever….

However they both said they’d support me as best they can. And my mother is now trawling through any medical paper, and all the general information I can obtain. So….that went much better than expected. Also, not only that Nikki has come back with a response so, hopefully I’ll be off to meet her next Saturday. So….that’s the way things look this monday.

Oh, and I’ve just found some really, really cheap insurance for my car. If I thought I was doing well before, well……

To be honest I didn’t find them. Chris at work did – but hey!

So….that’s all for today folks….

LOL

Kate

Gawd I spoil you lot….so many updates….so little time between them. Says sommat about how dull my life is really….

This is to be a depressing one. I’m not actually down at the moment – but I feel like expanding a bit of my history…..what brought this on? Well I read Natalies comments about suicide and I thought back to my near misses….and felt like depressing everyone.

As I sit here listening to Dustin the Turkey and Geldof (thanks Aoife) – an odd selection for talking about ending your life….actually it’s just finished. Anyway….

There was the near miss which was just because I didn’t care any more. It was the day I recieved my ‘A’ Level results. I had always dreamed of being a doctor, working in A & E. None of the Casualty/ER cr*p – I knew exactly what I wanted to get into. Stress, emotional pain, trauma. I knew I’d be perfect, yeah – I can’t handle stress all that well after all – I just get ill, but I still believe I’d have made an excellent doctor.

There was one problem. For the first time after joining the school I had some friends, most of them female, and I was desparately pretending to be male at school, and in my social life. I drove fast, (okay I still go pretty quick, but nothing like I used to), I smoked, I drank, but most of all I partied. I got drunk at them – because otherwise I’d have become so morose it would have been unbelieveable. Infact I don’t remember all that much about most of the parties I went to. Generally there was half an hour of getting drunk and that’s it.

I actually almost enjoyed them. The problem was after 5 years of being shunned I’d found some people who’d ceased to shun me, indeed they claimed to quite like me….I don’t know how true it is – I’m no longer in touch with any of them…which possibly says something.

Anyway, drifting again. Because of this I basically overdosed on going out – and although in real terms I did fairly well in my A levels, in my own terms it was a disaster. Not only was I not female, now I wasn’t even going to get to be a doctor. I wouldn’t get into uni to do medicine. My life was over. I managed not to cry until I was away from school. That’s not to say I actually saw anyone. I got my results – had the helpful comment from one of my teachers (who I later found out had not put the grades they’d agreed to put on my UCAS form – so it’s little wonder I didn’t get any interviews) – that there were other careers – and walked out the building.

To clarify – there was an external brick staircase leading up to the upstairs lab – which meant no-one could see me come out. So, I walked around the back of the building, got in my car and did almost the stupidist thing I’ve ever done. I drove home. Except I didn’t.

With tears pouring down my face I zig-zagged out of the town and down country lanes at speeds in excess of 60 mph. I simply didn’t care – I didn’t want to be me anymore – infact I didn’t want to be anymore – full stop. The car slid on a corner, and apparently my desire for survival outwayed my desire to die – as I just missed two pedestrians and a tree, and brought the car to a stop a couple of hundred yards down the road.

For the first time in years I simply cried. I cried for what felt like hours. I know how near I came to death simply by not caring….I just missed several cars during that journey. I nearly killed myself and some other people. And even when I went home I was still considering ending it. I have one person to thank for being alive. That’s David Newland – who I rang – still crying, and he managed to persuade me that it wasn’t that bad, that it was still worth living.

So…that was a near miss. Not so much deliberate suicide – but quite close. There were incidents before then, but I that was the nearest.

Then, at university – well, infinate near misses…. In the first year when the head of Computer Science lied to me (Jim Yandel). Simply failed to tell me that my acceptance onto the CS course was dependent on my grades in Biochemistry. Sorry? Please repeat that! Unfortunately he told me this about 2 weeks before my 1st year exams – only I went to see him about ½ way through the first term to see about changing and it wasn’t mentioned then – so do we think I worked at a course I was finding soul destroying or did I skip class, relax, and try to enjoy this half year of dossing? I’ll leave it with the fact I ended up completing a degree in Biochemistry.

When I realised I wasn’t going to get onto the CS course I sat in my room and did something which I used to do a lot. Listened to depressing music. Only I didn’t I just had it so loud to cover my crying. That day, with the medical kit in my room I looked at them, all the tablets and considered it again and again. Could I? Yet again I could see nothing to live for. I still hadn’t accepted myself as TS – infact I considered myself somewhat of a freak. I crossdressed whenever I could – but I hated myself for it.

I’m not quite sure what stopped me…I just didn’t do it. Perhaps I fell asleep – I can’t remember. I just remember darkness…

Then there was the day I recieved my results. I knew my finals weren’t stonkingly good – but I thought I was in 2:2 terratory. I still hadn’t accepted that I was TS – I had more or less accepted TV, and was coping reasonably – altough I was still periodically getting very, very depressed for no apparent reason.

So, I wandered in, we did the whole thing that my Uni did, photo’s ‘n’ all, and then wandered back to our department to get the results. There it was – a third. okay – I know now that it’s a degree, not a brilliant one – but probably about concomitant with the amount of work I put in. But there it was – on paper. And I thought I’d got a 2:2, maybe even scraped a 2:1. What made it worse is no-one seemed surpried that I’d done so badly. I kind of expected someone to say something. But no – it was taken as normal.

The thing was – and is – I’ve not had even a resonable self image – and now it felt like everyone had been expecting me to do badly….again…just like my school. What made it even worse is that I was predicted a first when I arrived. I left. Alone – again, no one from my department checked if I was okay….

I felt so very, very alone. Everyone else had done well, and here was I with a lousy third. I managed to get into my room, already crying – and took with me a bottle of vodka….and something else. When I get really stressed I smoke. Not a lot. Less than 1 a week! The craving has been there when I’m stressed since ‘A’ Levels – but I’d managed to hold it at bay until my finals, when I decided that I had quite enough stress without trying to deny this – so I’d bought a pack of cigarettes….

And smoked about 4

So I sat there, vodka, coke and ciggs. And I tried to drink myself into oblivion. Leaning out of the window – and trying to decide if 2 floors up was high enough to kill me. The tears still pouring down my face.

I think no-one quite knew how to deal with me – I left my room once, went to the loo and came back – James asked if I was okay and I simply said “No”. And walked back into my room.

And I lent out of my window thinking what’d happen if I died. My parents would undoubtly find my stash of clothes. Oh great….so I’d be a tranny after death. Wonderful. And my failure to achive anything worthwhile would be universally acknowledged. But I couldn’t do it. Mostly I couldn’t hurt my friends and family. I (erroniously or not) believe that they’d miss me.

And I called in help in the form of the SO – but she was just a very good friend then…… I simply needed someone to cuddle me, and hold me. And she did – despite the reak of drink and fags….

Now….what about now?

Perhaps there’s a little bit of self-confidence in me, and I actually quite like some aspects of myself. I wouldn’t call myslef exactly gods gift to anything – but perhaps I’m okay.

Since taking the ‘mones it must be said I’ve not been on quite such a rollercoster ride. It’s more a kind of uneven road now….which is a hell of a lot better for me. And for those around me. Although I’ve always hidden my true emotions fairly well (another aspect of being TS that people don’t think about)….so perhaps they wouldn’t notice.

However the problem either with the ‘mones or accepting myself is simply that I’m now desparate to tell my parents. As in dying to. Despite the fact I feel like throwing up whenever I even consider it – I’m actually shaking at the thought….I just want to get it done. I’ve told all my friends – or at least they all know. I’ve done that one. I’ve been to a party as me. I just want to get going on the rest of it….I want to stop the testostorone in my body doing anymore damage.

Perhaps I will, perhaps I won’t yet….I have this feeling it’s all going to come tumbling out at some point….

Anyway – that’s enough I feel….a big HI to Brian, because I forgot his birthday for the first time in years, and I’m still REALLY REALLY SORRY!!!!

Okay….

Night night…

Kate

PS. If anyone can work out an easy fix to the Nav-Bar problem on PC Browsers – tell me, I’ve been fiddling with the pages for a while, and I’m not getting any joy with making the table stick together. Even specifying the size of the cells doesn’t seem to work…..ahhhh crud….

Well. Hmmm. This is a challenging entry….I thought about not writing this one, purely because the I know that the person involved in a lot of this reads this, but well, it’s what’s in my brain, and I’m not lying to my avid 10k readership…..(actually, the number of hits seems to have gone down since I actually added my site to some search engines as opposed to not telling many people of its existance whereupon it got thousands of hits…).

Anyway. Avid readers will know that I was intending to move out. I still am…and having seen a really nice house I thought I had it made….Well, actually I didn’t. I hoped I did, but in all honesty I knew what was coming and I’ve known deep down for a while…. That doesn’t make me any happier, but it does mean that when it came I wasn’t 100% shocked.

Anyway, I went with my (at the time) housemate to be, and saw this house, with which the only fault I could find was that parking was difficult, but not impossible…. However, my housemate to be, despite not being able to name a single fault didn’t make a decision. So, at that point I’d almost resigned myself to it. He didn’t want to move. I’m not sure at what point in the past he decided he wasn’t going to move, but I wasn’t going to push – becuase if he felt it wouldn’t help him there wasn’t any point.

To explain. The rationalle behind me moving to Reading had three parts:

1. Helped housemate to be because he was not happy with rent
2. Helped me because I want to get on the path to SRS, and I can’t while I’m at home
3. Reading’s not a bad place to live, esp since I’d actually like to make some freinds, and I’d also have enjoyed the company of the housemate to be

However my housemate to be’s reasons seem to have been rather more vague. Indeed he doesn’t know what they were. So….after feeling screwed, depressed, and thoroughly p*ssed off I trundled off to chat with some like minded people on IRC – because I (sad though this makes me sound) have no local friends and staring at the four walls on my own was somewhat depressing. (Note: I do have friends but they all live miles, and miles, and miles away).

So….there I was, and then a possible saviour appeared. Someone else, who needs to move, and wants to live in Reading….so, hopefully at some point in the not too distant future I’ll be off to see her. So, I’m not feeling totally depressed.

And interestingly, the ‘mones seem to have stabalised my mood somewhat, if at the expense of making certain parts of me suddenly become very sensative, and/or itchy….

Anyway….

And there’s a possibility that my S.O. may have a job….

Perhaps thing’s ‘ll be okay after all…

LOL

Kate….

Well, let’s just say I feel down shall we.

Yet again I’ve slowly slid down into a feeling of complete depression….why? Well lots of small things.

This weekend was meant to be kinda relaxing in that I arranged to see a friend and do some cooking (which I though’d be a laugh and would allow me not to concentrate on being TS which seems to happen far to much, and also would take my mind of splitting up with Hannah, and the saga of my car). I also took monday off so that I could repair my car (being as I was under the impression that once, just once an order might arrive the day I was told it would.

All of which I’d classify as “good things”. However it didn’t really turn out quite right.

Saturday was lousy. Or possibly beyond lousy. Why? Because I had to do “boy mode” for the whole day. Explain: I started re-building the porch last year in an attempt to help my parents, however time constraints and wood shortage ment that it was periodically put on hold. However the last few bits of wood were purchased on the basis that my ability to look male for the village would decrease rapidly over time and thus we need to finish it soon. However as I stood there sanding a piece of wood I could feel myself becoming more and more depressed.

Then Hannah rang – and we had a row (which is quite impressive for a non-couple) about the fact I had decieded to go out on Sunday – but I don’t think she reaslised just how desparate I was.

That basically was my Saturday.

Sunday, well sunday in many respects went well. The only problem (apart from the near disasterous desert I produced (edible)), was that being called by male pronouns really began to bug me this weekend. Indeed I really find it hard now. Which is unfortunate because I know James tries really hard, and I don’t expect him, or anyone else to get it right all of the time but on top of what happened today it just make me feel more lousy.

I mean I can understand how hard it is – I get the pronouns mixed up, I get them mixed for myself as well sometimes, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

So, we move onto Monday. Hannah came down, this was stressful. She also managed to use male pronouns (3 times), I had an argument with my mother about wanting to move out, she used male pronouns.

I went to get my car parts, they had arrived. One was incorrect – meaning my car is _still_ off the road, the other may be incorrect (1 in 3 possibility – as the fuel pump is “type a” and there are two other types…however just to make it more fun you can’t tell which type it is until you take the bloody thing off).

Oh, and I got my first rejection from my new jobsearch (which is depressing at the best of times). “Your exprience does not match our requirements”. Have they considered PUTTING they’re requirements somewhere so I could tell??????.

Sh*t, I hate being this low. I feel like I should be happy – I’ve got so much going for me, and here I am moping around.

I think I’ll go and stare at the ceiling a bit more now.

Kate.

The stress is definately getting to me. I can tell this because I’m screaming at things. This is never a good sign, and what caused it was a simple issue. Me wasting 113 pounds because f*cking Pioneer were to f*cking lazy to respond to any of my mails.

And one wasn’t sent through the pile of cr*p that is red hot ant, so I actually believe it should have arrived.

Now, wasting 100 UKP isn’t good. But wasting for no good reason, when you couldn’t really afford it is worse. I’m hoping that the company in question will take the drive I bought back – but if not, then I’m stuck with a new DVD drive which I can’t afford – and which hasn’t fixed the problem.

What is the problem? That my DVD’s corrupt the screen, then crash the software when playing. Why did I think it was the drive? Because it started with a specific kind of disk, then spread, like a virus, to all my disks, which suggested that the drive itself was dying.

This doesn’t explain why I’m screaming tho’

It’s stress, and the stress of pouring this money away just sent me over the edge……I can’t afford it anyway. Why the f*ck was I so stupid?

Why was I stressed already?

Because I can’t cope with living 2 existances, I can’t cope with lying to people about who I am, I want to be me – all of the time.

It takes me over an hour to get dressed in the mornings now. That is insane – but I simply don’t want to go anymore. I just want to cry atm, I want to be me – I know who I am; it took me 21 years to get to that stage, I don’t want to waste any more time.

Oh god…..I’ve had enough……

I just don’t want to do this anymore.

kate.

Feeling pretty good today…I don’t know if it’s the ‘mones but I’ve been feeling much more motivated recently….what? You don’t believe me? Hey….today I’ve been to town, bought some socks and some leggings (my SO finds this highly amusing that I say “well they’re comfortable” about things…). Anyway, yes, located the household waste disposal site (to get rid of some junk)…although I’ll have to go and do it tomorrow….found the leak in my car – and hopefully fixed it…washed and polished it….and added this site to the UK Angels web-ring….oh, almost forgot, did some rust treatment on Nina (front wheel arch and pass-side (back)door and sill, fixed the loose doorhandle (as best as it’s possible to without buying new parts).

So, how’s that? Not bad for a Saturday…and I’m considering tidying my room….because it’s driving me NUTS!

Oh, I also stuck some oil in Nina…..she was just on the minimum mark, so tomorrow I’m going to get some oil, and check the (fixed) leak – and if it’s been a nice night then I’ll take a photo of her looking pristine….

Mmmm….so how am I feeling? Dead positive….I don’t know why, I’ve had a nice few days, started using mIRC again (Hiya folks & thanks Aoife (although I’m now stuck listening to it (Aoife’ll understand that one))).

Ohh….multi-bracketted sentances….I love’em.

One problem with working on the car – my hands feel dead dry now….which is not good. I’ll be putting more moisturiser on them…..oh, and my parents have been home all day, so I haven’t had a chance to try on my leggings….

Anyways….I’m off to tidy my tip, sorry, room…..(I can’t wait to move out….some s p a c e !).

LOL

Kate