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This is the second attempt at writing this. For some unknown reason my mood has been something like a yo-yo this weekend. I’ve been up and down more often than I can count. I’ll be fine for an hour or two, then I’ll plunge into depression, then an hour later I’ll be fine.

There are so many reasons for this that I don’t really know where to begin; I think that the main one is lonelyness though. I really need to get out. I don’t understand how James lives alone anymore, I just can’t hack it – I’ve been alone for 2 days and I’ve just desparately wanted to talk to someone the whole time. I’ve watched 3 films, four if you include friday – just anything to take my mind off the silence. I have a fan on at night just to cover up the silence.

Another issue is that I’m desparate to start hormones, real hormones, not herbal ones. Why? Because I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life getting to this point, that I want to grasp my future with both hands and run towards it. But instead I’m stuck. I’m just watching time pass me by…

I had an odd realisation a few days ago. Now I’ve known this (becuase it’s obvious) for ages – but it suddenly hit me. There are only 52 weekends in a year. This is distinctly scary – because I’m working things get put off until the weekend, and then they get pushed to the next weekend…and suddenly you’re in April and you’ve still done nothing. What bearing does this have on my depressed status? Well. Simply that I’m watching the same thing happen here. Oh: I’ll go and see Russell Reid next week, when my bank account looks healthier. Or the week after, or the week after that. Perhaps the time has come to make an appointment with my destiny and actually do something.

On another topic, my girlfriend asked me what I wanted from life, so here’s my current list of desires in no particular order. No order whatsoever, except that which they came from my head in….approximately.

What do I want from life?

• Someone to love me
• Someone to share my up’s and downs, who doesn’t mind that I can be a bit of a slob (clothes wise), and a lot of a techie.
• A house, preferable like this one.
• Probably a or two children…adopted, but not for a long time…
• To be physcially female and accepted as such
• To run my own company, probably doing web-design
• To go walking in the Lake District and in Scotland
• To do more photography
• To love someone who loves me back
• To be more confident
• To be comfortable in myself
• To meet elastica and say something intelligent this time
• To live in the South
• To have friends nearby]
• To have a social life
• To go to the pub/clubs/cinema/theatre more, and with friends.
• To feel loved
• Alternative to web-design: own a cinema showing classics/art house/sci-fi – preferably one built before the 60’s
• To be me
• To learn to cook well enough that I don’t need a cook book
• To be able to service my car myself
• To repair Rebecca (my Morris Minor)
• To sit on a beach in Sri Lanka as myself (this kills two needs, one is to sit on a beach as myself, the other is to re-visit sri lanka)
• To visit at least: Australia, France, Germany, Ireland (N+S), America and Russia. Preferably a lot more places.
• To learn to speak Russian and German (and French)
• To be better at expressing myself
• To never have to tick the [M] box on another form
• To do a degree I’m proud of.
• To let myself cry at the end of films
• To exercise and be more healthy *and flatten my stomach*
• To learn to program properly
• To get linux onto that bloody 486
• To be somewhere near as attractive as my sister…
• To stop being so stressed, and getting stressed so easily
• To be liked for who I am
• To have a huge F-off bathroom with a sunken bath and about a million candles.
• To go shopping without getting odd looks
• To not have to shave my face
• To go out to dinner in a _really_ posh restaurant – and look sexy and sultry in an evening gown.
• To go on the oblivion at alton towers and not try to scream
• To stop feeling inferior to everyone
• To stop feeling a failure

I should say I don’t always feel quite so bad. In fact sometimes I’m quite cheery. But I’m not right now, and as I say; this is what’s in my brain…

Kate

Well, here I am scrawling again, why? well I suppose it’s kinda therapy for me. I suppose to some extent it’s a little odd putting my most private thoughts (or at least some of them) out into the big wide world – indeed, in some ways it’s kind of like the American obsession with chat shows, though I’d like to feel that I’m less of a freak and I’m not using this to exorcise my demons quite as much – but maybe I’m wrong…still, I’m going to carry on regardless…

On the other hand you (whoever you are) reading this are being rather voyerisitc I suppose, looking into someone elses private life….not that I object, I mean I can hardly object if you readers read the stuff I put up. Infact to some extent I’m kinda proud that people read it….maybe I could write a soap!

So, what’s the beef today? (or tofu/vegtable grill steak to vegiterians)…. erm, yes, I’m for an unknown reason in a bouncy mood; apparently my depressing “brain” on the 18th in fact depressed someone (Hi James – didja like the way I sneaked the link to you in? ;-) which is not the intended effect, but I guess reading about someone elses trials can be hard. Infact I know it can – but I make no appologies for what is on this site. It’s what’s in my brain – so here it is….

What have I done today then? Well, I’ve been driven nuts by the sqeaking of my windscreen wipers – so I’m going to have to get up early just to oil whichever part of it is making the awful metal against metal screech. I’ve put the 1xCD-Rom into the 486 – I’m just waiting on some drivers from my dad so that I can install Linux onto it….then I’ll have my fully featured web server platform – which should be cool (in a really geeky way). I signed up for a new ISP so this site will be moved when I redesign it…to fit in with the redesign there will be whole great clomping additions – like a full, complete (well approximately complete) biography, plans for the future, and anything else….infact basically it’ll be that, plus this site, plus most of the content of Kato’s Pointless Page all wrapped into one….

Which should be nice….

Anyway….I think that’s enough wittering for the one night. If inspiration strikes then I’ll have a hack at the new site, otherwise I’ll be reading The Tesseract by Alex Garland…. So there we go….

LOL

Kate XXX

Just a quick update…

I was thinking – what do I want from life? The answer…

I want a job in which I’m happy, I want to be able to come home at night (to my own house), and curl up on the sofa with either the SO, or a friend, with a glass of wine, and watch a film. I want to laugh, and I want to go out with friends, I want to have fun….

I miss all that, I miss the company. I was going to watch “The Usual Suspects” on TV, depite the c**p reception, but alone? I just can’t face it.

I want to sit down and read a book, with the lights low on a nice comfy sofa, and just be me – without worrying about the neighbours, without feeling presurised.

The other thing in this update, there is one thing which is getting to me – my mum’s continuous referal to my clothes as girls clothes…”are they girls boots?” “did you buy any girls clothes?”. They’re not girls clothes they’re MY clothes….

I shouldn’t complain; they’re doing much better than a lot of other parents. But I still need to get out

Anyway. Enough of my miserable rambling

LOL

Kate.

 

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26 Mar 2000, 18:36.01

After such a good day yesterday, how can I possibly be down? Well, the problem with good days is that they have the ability to show you just how bad the rest of your life is.

I’ve suddenly been reminded what a social animal I am at heart, yes I’m fairly shy initally (no where near as bad as I used to be), and yes, I’m not brilliant at small talk (at least not until I know people) – but essentially I like being around other people – and I’m not.

At the moment I spend all my time alone, yes, theoretically I can be me at home, and I am sometimes, but it’s just too restrictive, I still feel like I am constrained by the four walls of my room. I can’t just wander about (because my parents are worried about me being seen by other people from the village. I realise that they’re going to see me eventually, but I’m not going to push – they’ve been very good so far).

Anyway; as I say, I’m a social creature and I’m being denied the ability to be social – I’d been so taken up in my problems; first it was getting a job, then being TS, now that I’ve got a job, and I’ve accepted myself, and I know what I want to do it’s allowed me to see that a very important part of my life is completely empty.

Not only that but, on the issues of being TS, I feel somehow that I’ve opened the flood gates – hopeing to be able to control the flow, but they’ve just been pushed open and I’ve got no hope of controlling it. I spent half of last night trying to work out if I can afford to see Russell Reid, which I know I can’t but I desparately wish I could….

I keep telling myself maybe, after the car’s been serviced, but I know that’s going to cost more than I expect….

On something heading towards a positive front I’m hoping to pull Kato’s and Kate’s page into one site, which should keep me occupied at least. Probably a whole new style (still mostly black), and a lot of updated content. Well, a new bio, and a future page, so….we’ll see whether the enthusiasm strikes me or not….

 

<align=”left”>Take me out tonight where there’s music and there’s people who are young and alive I never never want to go home because I haven’t got one anymore take me out tonight becuase I want to see people and I want to see lights oh please don’t drop me home because it’s not my home it’s their home, and I’m welcome no more… </align=”left”>

The Smiths, There is a Light that Never Goes Out

Anyway; best be off…

LOL

Kate

Well, I’ve just got back from meeting Nikki and Kelly, so how did it all go? They’re terrible…only kidding….. ;-)

Let’s start with Friday, which went swimmingly….there’s someone at work who, to put it mildly, Rubs me the wrong way. I don’t know why – she has been described to me as having a rectal-cranial inversion by someone else. Anyway, it culminated this week in her complaining about my attire. IE my Jeans/boots which I’ve been wearing to work. I’m not impressed…nor was anyone else.

So, next week it’ll be back to mens clothes, something which really doesn’t appeal to me. Arse. The other thing she did was refuse to take my word for the fact that (a) we don’t have any laptops with CD-Rom drives, and also the fact that our network machines won’t work off the network, and to prove this she rang other people at home! I’ve been going out of my way to be nice, helpful and polite to this damn woman and I’ll I get back is c**p. Well, stuff her, she can sort out her own problems in future. My solution ‘ll be to delete her account. That’d solve my current feelings.

Unfortunately this meant I was rather distracted today, despite the great news that someone I thought I’d completely lost touch with is still about! This refers to Charlotte, who I’d heard knew about me but I’d not heard her reaction, and since I didn’t tell her I felt a little bad – but I had no contact with her (much like Rhian and Claire who I believe know). So, I just chalked it up to experience and occasionally felt bad becuase she’s a really nice person….and then out of the blue I get an e-mail, and a very touching one at that – which improved Friday immesurably.

But what about today? What about Nikki and Kelly? Well….I trundled into Reading today, and feeling rather nervous unceremouniously parked Nina, before wandering into town. Now, it must be said I didn’t get any comments (that I heard) today, which was enough to make me smile….

Anyway, Nikki and Kelly both seem to be really cool, and they put up with me being nervous, quiet, and probably not the best company in the world…Mostly because of two things….one: Not much social interaction and two: that bloody woman is still driving me nuts (phrases like “who does she think she is” keep floating around my head).

Anyway’s I’m off to be online, upload this and try and get the enthusiasm to get the CD-Rom into the DX-2 so I can install linux (sounds fun!)….

Altough I’m knackered and my feet hurt….

LOL

Kate xx

Well, I still can’t get overhow lucky I am…..and how wonderful my parents have/are been/being….I realise how uncommon it is, and I really, really do feel like the luckiest girl alive at the moment…even with no house…

For the first time ever, my mother called me Kate…although she did ask me what name I’d chosen for myself when I was eating my dinner/lunch (dinner is at lunchtime, so I have lunch at dinner time) – nearly causing me to choke…Then later she came up the stairs and called me Kate….*smiles*.

On other fronts…..it may look like I’ve done all these updates in one go…that’s not the case, and anyone who thinks it is may request a screenshot of the filer window with “full details” on…..or else can just put up with it ‘cos they ain’t getting one….

What has happened is the FC have been having some “technical difficulties”….much like mine with the bl**dy nav bar….I will fix it….! Yes, so although my site has been (intermittently at least) present – I’ve been unable to upload anything. Which is really, really annoying….esp. as my readership seems to be bigger than I think it is!

Infact, I’ve decided to add a counter to the In My Brain index page simply to try and get an idea of the readership….I will also add a guest book at somepoint in the near future….but I’ve got some unpacking to do.

Yes, the time has come to get all the clothes I’ve been hiding away out of the boxes and into the closet (ironic eh?). Anyway…..yes….so that’s a challenge. Not least because there’s not really enough space in there for my “male” clothes, let alone a complete other wardrobe, which is pretty much what I’ve got; albeit a small one.

So, also there’s the small matter of all my underwear. Now, admittedly there’s not enough for me, if I were full time, but there’s still a fair bit…..Arrrrgghhhhhh, chaos!

Anyway, yes, Oh, and I’ve been told that my pages read like a soap opera….I’m kinda touched….’cept for the fact I don’t really watch soaps, apart from Sunset Beach which is truely hillarious….a doctor (the only doctor!) who don’t notice a womans walking around with a cushion for a baby, voodoo curses….hey – it doesn’t read like sunset beach does it…..? Please tell me my life’s better written than sunset beach!

I mean, I don’t turn the set upsidedown to change it from a factory to a boat!….c’mon….please……

Time to go and add to the chaos of my room…..

LOL

Kate

PS. a big Hiya to people from Uni I’ve just found out read this…so: Hiya, Pari, Cassie (actually I’ve known you read it for a while <g>), Ross and Charlotte…..anyone else out there??????