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09 Mar 2000, 1750 (approx)

Well, here’s a novelty. I’m writing this at work…why? becuase it’s been a quiet day and I’m not really doing anything specific at the moment.

I’ve got a headache courtesy of my wisdom teeth which appear to be attempting a comeback attempt on my jaw. Ouch!!!! So, a day staring at computers probably isn’t the best job. AND WILL SOMEONE ANSWER THAT PHONE!!!!!

Sorry, that’s been driving me nuts (and still is), but it’s up 3 floors, not in my office, and thus I can’t answer it. Still. Someone else just has, so that ought to help my mood a little.

Anyway, I’ve just designed a new site for the school, unofficially. I’m not sure wether it’s going to be used, but it’ll be the first Vision Site to go live if it does. Of course they don’t know that!

Unfortunately most of the site actually came courtesy of their old one which was done in Front Page. So I spent about half an hour on each page just removing non-existant tags, and tags which were opened then closed imediately. But, it was nice to get some web-design in.

The hormones…well, how have they affected me (week 1…)? Have they affected me at all? Well. I feel calmer, I don’t know if that’s just my imagination or if it’s real, but it certainly feels real! Also, on recieving some really bad news earlier this week, rather than instantly sinking into depression, it took much longer and I didn’t hit the real bottom line that I used to.

So, perhaps they’re helping….and I can’t wait for (shall we say) any other developments…..

What I also might have mentioned last time (can’t check, don’t visit my site from work for obvious reasons). Anyway, yes, was the fact that I went to a PARTY!!!! Yes indeed. As me.

One of my flatmates had a party, and Plan A was to go as myself (he wanted to meet me), and get changed for the party. However, we skipped on the getting changed bit….and I had a really great time. Most people were fine, I got some odd looks from one person (although she was okay the next day), and there was one interesting incident in the evening.

This (really friendly) American lass, Catherine(?) I think, anyway, she kind of looked at me a bit oddly initally, and when we got talking she eventually asked about my “attire”. Although for the first X minutes me, and all the people around me were trying to work out what “a tyre” had to do with anything. And whether it was some odd Americanism that we’d not heard. And then it clicked….

And then I can’t actually remember what my response was…it was vague I recall…(hey, their punch was about 30% alcohol, but tasted like it was 0% alcohol…went down far, far, far too easily). Anyway, later she asked what I’d be wearing next time I saw her (like when?!), and I said “Oh, something similar to this”.

I can’t actually remeber her question, but it resulted in the explanation that I’d pretty much always be dressed like this (although I sit here now in jeans…!). At which point she queried my Adams Apple….So I explained…okay this is tedious now.

Basically she was fine about everything and turned out to be really nice! Also, for the first time in my life I had a really long chat with Cassie (another university freind who I’ve just never sat and chatted to).

This section read:”Which was really nice”. This is not appropriate. I’ve used “nice” too many times. Suffice to say that it felt great to be myself, with my friends and almost totally relaxed. Yeah, okay I was stressing quietly initally, but by the end…well, I was just happy to be there. So, thanks to Paul for organising it, and thanks to everyone else for being so cool….

LOL

Kate

1st March 2000, 19:57.33

Well, for the first time ever I’m writing on a PC! This is simply due to a decision to use my Acorn to replicate some data, which is something it does singletaskingly, which means that I’m unable to use it as a HTML editing thing.

So, I’m doing plain text on here, and I’ll ship it across in a few minutes…still, let’s evaluate shall we…

I’ve had a shopping accident, finally bought my parents combined Xmas/Birthday/Birthday/Mothers day/Fathers Day/New Year present, gained a computer and started on a kind of course of hormones :-)

The computer is a poor BBC Master which was to be disposed of by my school….if anyone can promise it a good home give me a shout; I think it’s in reasonable condition (although the lettering on the keyboard is rather worn), and it doesn’t have any leads with it.

The …present is something I’ve been planning for a while, the shopping accident is from think geek http://www.thinkgeek.com/, indeed it’s kinda two shopping accidents – one is a Geek Girl tee-shirt, which I thought was kind of cool, and the other is some Programmers Fridgemagents…. which though immeasurably uncool is quite fun.

The hormones, well, where to start. From recently recieved advice I’ve heard that my LHA (Local Health Authority) aren’t paying much towards TS treatment (i.e. nothing towards surgery and getting hormones isn’t going to be easy)….this isn’t the greatest news – so I’ve started on some herbal hormones, and a low dose of asprin to keep thrombosis risks down.

This is not something I undertake lightly (although you might think I do from the huge grin on my face every time I think about it…..It’s actually simply a low dose of estrogenic compounds (Dong Quai, 1000mg per day (thank’s Bj)). So hopefully we’ll know if it’s the right course of action by how my body takes to it….

Next up, I’m going to meet some of my friends this weekend….I’m not sure how many yet, but there we go…One of my freinds from Uni is having a party, the situation is…he’s going to meet me before hand, and then we’ll see how things go from there…..so I’m a bit nervous….

Apart from that, there’s another house to look at on Saturday….so if you’re house hunting in Reading at the moment, STOP!

Yes, so hopefully soon I’ll have a house, a car, a job and a life….

Okay….that’s all for today (I’ll keep you updated on the hormones)..

LOL

Kate

Below is my letter of complain to Natwest…why is it here? Well, I find it vaguely amusing, basically because I was being a sarky cow when I wrote it, and people seemed to enjoy hearing bits of it…..

Dear Sir/Madam,

Let me quote something: “Stress, stress and more stress” – Graduate Package Brochure, Natwest. Well, that aptly describes your service to me, have you considered using it as your advertising slogan?

So far, since opening my account I’ve:

• Had to return to my branch because they’d forgotten to photocopy vital documents when opening my account (despite having looked at them)
• Had to return again, because they neglected to ask for more forms of ID (having told me that what I had would be enough).
• Been informed that I could have a Switch card, when I wasn’t in fact even going to get a cheque guarantee card (quick question: What is the point of a cheque book, without a guarantee card. Answer: none, except to transfer money to an account where they actually give you means to use your money).
• Been told I had received multiple letters about being overdrawn when I had received one, and acted on it within the close of business by the next working day.
• The one letter I received was ambiguously worded, and in fact utterly misleading.

Are these the hallmarks of great customer service? No. Indeed I am lucky because I decided to maintain my other Graduate account until I was satisfied with your service. Unsurprisingly I am not. So far you’ve made me travel over 60 miles, wasted an inordinate amount of my time, and finally insulted me.

I think possibly the reason for your lack of service is that my account has remained almost £1000 overdrawn for it’s entire time. The simple reason for this is giving me only a cashpoint card having offered me a switch card is laughable in this day and age. I purchase many goods over the internet, when your only option is to pay cash this is impossible. Or I could use the handy cheque-book you sent me. With which I made 5 purchases, one to a shop where I’m well known and 4 to my insurance company. Other than that I transferred the money to an alternative account where I could actually spend it doing what I asked for it for, which was to get me a job.

Having explained this to your staff before opening the account, I might have felt that the “caring & understanding” attitude that she was using might actually be passed on to doing something about it. Instead I’ve felt insulted, and in the end, just plain angry that I even bothered to consider your account.

Finally there is the issue of the letter. To inform me (allegedly) for the third or fourth time that I was overdrawn by an amazing 46 pence. Woo. Due to an error on my part (oh, that’s 5:1 so far, and banking isn’t my job) I had neglected to pay in a cheque, which was to be the first of several cheques of around £150 to pay off the overdraft. The letter states:

…I am willing to discuss a way to help you, but I can only do this if you contact me.

If I do not hear from you by 27 February 2000, I will take the next steps of withdrawing your borrowing limit and asking you to pay back all that you owe us straight away.

Now, perhaps I and the other 10 people I asked are all inordinately stupid. Or else that is ambiguously worded, but what it does not say is that I will have to convert my overdraft into a loan which is what it apparently means. The word discuss is defined by the “Cambridge English Dictionary” as:

If you were aiming for the first of these definitions, congratulations, I fully intend to take my account elsewhere, and the account of the business I’m in the process of organising will also not be gracing your establishment. Debating was not involved, essentially the conversation went along the lines of :

Natwest: “Are you intending to pay any money in?”

Me: “Yes”

Natwest: “I’m afraid that we’re going to have to convert the £1000 into a loan”

Discussion? I think not.

“Stress, stress and more stress”. I think that sums it up nicely.

Yours Sincerely

23 Feb 2000,  22:33.01.

Well, what’s happened today? Very little! So, this is back to the original more “in my brain” style thing….what’s been goin on in the fertile recesses of my deeply odd brain.

IRonically I had been thinking about the meaning of acceptance (i.e. do people actually think of me as a woman, or do they still think of me as male…) when I recieved an e-mail from one of my friends which, it felt like (to me at least) he was admitting that he still thought of me as male….but it also said he was trying to change his perspective.

So, as I tried to explain to him (and as I thought to myself earlier). This is fine…..at least at the moment. Hopefully his opinion will change over time, as hopefully will everyones. But I don’t expect them to change instantly…why? The first, and easiest reason to explain is that it took me years to come to terms with it – now for others they have the advantage that it’s not themselves but they also have a big disadvantage to understanding. It’s not them.

The other reason is complex. Very complex….

It is based around your perception of gender/sex, and your mental self image…. I perceive myself to be (more or less) female. That’s not to say I believe my body is female (at least not conciously) – but in the way i expect people to behave, and indeed react around me I tend to expect something much more akin to the reactions people give to women than to men.

Over the years I’ve become condiitoned to accept the reaction to my “male” body’s presence – but it is still sometimes odd to be treated in a way which is totally at odds with something I expect. Like for example being shown the advert for a piece of software for our server – with a semi-naked woman on it – which now graces the noticeboard. Even if I was a lesbian woman I suspect I’d still find it odd to have this thrust at me and be expected to make a “complimentary” comment…..

Fortunately my “Hmmm” noise is well documented and frequently used when I really don’t want to say what I’m thinking at work (I use it a lot generally (sarcasm) but at work it’s more and more used for that purpose).

Then there’s your mental self image. This is the image you have in your head of yourself, now frequently this is not quite right….dependent on your self confidence, what sort of mood you are in, how big-headed you are ;-), then it tends to vary slightly…. for example I occasionally think I look cool…..a foolish idea – and one normally corrected by the simple expedient of going passed a window.

But I think you know what I mean….so the odd thing is my mental self image is wrong. Very wrong. Or at least it definately doesn’t match my body, not at all it doesn’t. Which is very disturbing sometimes. I mean I’ve kinda “got used” to the fact it and I don’t agree, however it makes me very uncomfortable, and sometimes it gives me the most unpleasant shock (particularly waking up in the mornings).

What has all this to do with understanding TSness. Well? Well woman…spit it out….

The thing is these are all deeply ingrained in my personaity – in my brain….right down deep as far as it can go. And the only reason I even know that they are there is because they are “wrong”. Because they don’t match what my visual senses are saying they cause an almost continuous clash. I dream of me, female….I wake up and I’m not. It’s odd to say the least. Now, after much time I’ve decided that I should have been born female. Not that I should be female, for at least the part of me which defines me, my brain, is female – as far as I’m concerned….it’s the bit of of me that isn’t (my body) which is the problem.

If it were vice versa….i.e. my brain were wrong, and I was defined by my body then people would have a much easier time understanding becuase visual cues are very important.

An intersting side effect of the visual thing is that if I dress as me and put a bit of effort in with the old shaver. Then the visual cues are female (unless you look too closely) and I tend to pass reasonably well, unless people actually look closely. Mostly becuase not only are the visual hint’s to me being female present, so are my actions, my movements….etc..

Now why is that. Apart from walking the rest of my actions are all what comes naturally to me. Acting like a male really is acting for me. I have to think about actions. I catch myself wandering about in a decidedly femanine way if I’m not concentrating – which means I’ve takne to carrying objecs about so that I have to concentrate on them – or stuffing my hands into my pockets.

But all of the behavioural aspects are natural patterns – I was not taught to do this, a lot of it I didn’t even learn (at least not conciously) – but I do it anyway. Which makes me feel that I’m female – what ever anyone says.

But I know this becuase I’ve studied myself very carefully. But other people can’t see inside my head – and I suspect for most of my friends the gender they are matches their sex. Their self image is more or less right. So it’s hard for them to distinguish their self image and their perption of themselves and all the other things which make up their behaviour and personality – simply because it is so deep and so much a part of them that it’s impossible to see it.

So, that’s my opinion. I can’t claim that they are all original thoughts. Most of this has been suggested by manh people overmany years I suspect. And a lot of these general ideas cropped up on TG-Folk in a variety of guises. But I agree, perhaps have extended and had certainly thought about it in these terms before….

Anyway. I’m off to bed….because I’m tired.

People who’ve followed the PC saga will be glad to know that it’s okay again now….touch large oak forest. I’m now blaming “FreeYuck” (my ISP) for my problems – since using the same phone number I get a success rate of about 1 in 5…..

Although I refuse to let of DUN which definately killed something….

And the printer, yes, anyone from HP reading please can you close your eyes now….the cartridge was brought to life! Soaking the ink producing end of it in isopropyl alcohol for about 20 minutes unclogged it….Wooo Hoo….

By the way, if any of you are reading this – and you found this site via a link can you tell me (please) I’d like to link back yo anyone who’s linked to me here….I think that’s only fair….and also my links page is looking more than a little feeble….

Anyway. Sleepy time!

LOL

Kate

21 Feb 2000, 23:32.03.

Oh bugger, up, down, does yo-yo mean anything to anyone?

Let’s start with the bad news….my computer (the PC) still has a moral obejection to connecting…..but now it’s pretty much limited to objecting to FreeUK…..which is not good – esp. as they’re my ISP.

Pre upload update: Typically, it’s just started working – just after I sent a message saying it still wasn’t. Hmmm. I’ve not changed anything….have they?

My cunning plan late in 1999, which ran along the lines of “oh, oh, if I buy two cartrigdes now at this discounted price I’ll save myself money later…” suddenly doesn’t seem quite so cunning.

Why? Because the time came to change the cartridge today. Just in time for my complaint (this is the most sarcastic, pissed off letter I’ve ever written….), yes, so changed the cartrigde…..and guess what, after cursing “Ink Again” (who up till now have served me well) for several minutes a vague thought occured. Hmmmm…check packageing….use before Oct 99. Only 4 months out of date……bugger.

Yes, then there’s things which aren’t tangible.

I had a fantastic weekend, with the SO, as myself. indeed I passed a lot of the time, which served to boost my confidence no end.

Then I came back. I took of my clothes, my nail polish, my eye shadow….and went back to trying to pass as male. It’s hard…..and then there’s hormones. I desparately want to start ‘mones, but I’m going to have to use the NHS. That means waiting. Probably a long, long, time.

What’s so bad about that? Wel…if I’d have started ’em before I was 16 then you’d probably not be able to tell me from a GG, but if you start them after you’re 25 then their effect is greatly reduced.

And right now I feel just as far away from those elusive tablets as I ever have. And that makes me feel awful. Then, to top it off, I’ll have to wait until the NHS is in a reasonable shape for GRS. Someone said (with referance to private treatment) “if you want something enough you’ll find the money”. Well, that’s not true for me. If I had the money I’d use it, but I simply don’t – I have a job which will just support me, a car and a house. And that’s it. It won’t do fancy things like new computers (which is why one hd in the PC is courtesy of my workplace, and has errors all over it). I don’t do new cars, and I don’t do 2 weeks in New York. I do eat, drive, work, sleep.

Any more than that is classed as luxuary – to be done ocassionally. Getting the hormones is goung to stretch my budget…..so. Well. That’s it really….sorry to be in such a downer, but hey! What do you expect when you read these pages? Humour? value? Interest? Good grief…..y’must all be nuts.

LOL

Kate…