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16th February 2000, 22:57.10

Some of you might wonder what it’s like when I get really, really pissed off, and have a really really bad day. Well now you can find out.

I have reached the point where right now, favourable approaches to my life would include tracking down each and every programmer, manager, infact anyone to do with the monstrous pile of c**p that is Windows95 and killing them. That’s how I feel.

So far I’ve spent probably several pounds online, or not online as the case was. Becuase the novely OS that windows is has lost everything to do with my Dial Up Networking. Yes. However it’ll log on. You just can’t use….for exmaple…mail, news, browsers, basic networking software (such as ping)…..

So then we moved on to re-installing everything.

No. That didn’t work. (more wasted calls)

Then we moved on to reinstalling Windows, once, twice….

Not only that, but due to the ineptness of the coding I have to drop my processor speed to 300MHz to install Windows 95….

Even now it’s testing my patience.

To top it off, it claimed to be able to “recover” my previous set up. Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

No, what windows set up did was take un unstable setup, one which was on it’s last legs and kill it. From barely running to won’t load in mere minutes.

Of course, to add insult to injury – I have the K6 400 update….but can you apply it from DOS (which does work)? Oh no! We have to be in windows. Just we can’t get into windows.

Then we move on to the new, fresh install of windows. Yes, the one which asks where to install something from, ten having made you search through 2000 layes of directories….promptly doesn’t remember. Then we have installing from the Windows CD, where it can’t find files….On it’s own CD for GOD’s SAKE. HOW BAD CAN IT BE???????

Aaahhhrrrrggggg. And now I’ve installed the wrong version of WinAMP!

Right. I’m going to bed.

night…..

Kate. The pissed off one.

12 Feb 2000 – 17:36.05….

I just know you’re all dying to know…..what happened at the MOT test…?

Well, she failed. Not badly, but she did….and on Monday AM I’ve got to go in to get a new handbrake cable fitted; however…..the mechanic was amazed at how good her condition is (although the paint’s not exactly spectacular she’s got very little rust…..etc….)….so in celebration I gave her a thorough wash…..

And…(I’ve been a good girl today!) I washed my dad’s car, and did the washing up, and assembled the new TV Ariel, and “fixed” my dad’s car’s wheeltrim…

But the good news today is that I can access the internet through my Acorn….after much searching I’ve found a (free) Proxy – so now my Acorn can see the world! Whey!

Anyway……oh yes, and now my SuSE set-up is running in a sensible resolution…..and I’ve finally done a backup (bugger – should have written this page first….oh well).

Yes, so, there we go…

There was a bit of a near miss this morning…..I was as me, having woken up and I was considering getting up (for the MOT test), when my dad walks in to check I’m awake for the MOT test…..

So, I’m slouching and pulling the duvet up to make sure that my chest isn’t visible……don’t these people understand the meaning of the word privacy? (no)…..

Oh, oh, yes…..I’ve finally made the connection between someone I (think I’ve) met, and someone on the TG-List……only 2 months…..that’s quite quick in some ways….so Hiya Kira! I’ve been using your software…..! Yes, and with my newfound Linux installation I’m considering joining Linux Grrls….that seems like a good idea…..

Anyway, back to the grindstone….or something!

19:49.49….

Just thought I’d slip in that I’ve update the computer section on my alter-ego’s page….

TTFN

Kate…

10 Feb 2000 – 23:31.50

Arse. Bugger. I’m a complete tit.

Why?

Because “newer” is turned on on this machine. So it doesn’t request before overwriting if it’s a “newer” file.

I make these pages by copying a file called “.htm” and saying “copy as ‘date’” where ‘date’ is the date, inserted by simply hitting [alt]+[d], and then removing the capital letter from the month and hitting [return].

Why so much detail? Because you can see how it becomes automatic. You do it without thinking. And then you overwrite the file you made the previous day – after 12 pm. Ooops.

And guess what……it’s not cached…..and I hadn’t uploaded it. And just to make things better I can’t upload it! he he! FC’s playing silly buggers again and I can’t log on!

So, what did I put yesterday? Well first of all Pioneer graced me with a response. Okay it wasn’t helpful but it spurred me into actually working at getting the drive to work – which was worthwhile becasue now my DVD player works…..okay my S3 graphics card is really not upto the job but hey!

Yes, and err….yes, I didn’t tell my mother about myself…. a night or two spent as myself seemed to perhaps hold of the inevitable for a little while. Although it’s getting F’ing hard to….and I’m so used to my “chest” that I have to think to remove it before leaving my bedroom in the morning….

I think that was all….let’s have a look at the really depressed 8th of Feb one….and see what else was in it…

LOL

Kate XX

10 Feb 2000 – 23:08.13

Just to prove it does happen…..I’m in a good mood again.

A night spent as me, and a fairly hectic day (by my standards)….I’ve finally cleaned up my room, I’ve done loads of rubbish disposal, I’ve installed linux (SuSE/6.3/Evaluation) on my PC, and, I’ve looked at the fault in my car, and well, I think that’s not bad…..

Really, this is just to prove that I’m not always depressive! Anyway – what else? Well I had an e-mail in response to some of the stuff I wrote…..and I found it kinda funny that blokes worry about the same things as me…. Related to the crossing legs incident….I’m beginning to wonder if the whole world worries about the same petty little things which I do.

Which would be nice….because I’ve always wondered if I’m a little bit odd – because sometimes I worry about the most ridiculous little piffling things – posture, the way I’m speaking (Hemel Accent occasionally rears it’s ugly, oh so ugly head (“I’m going down tahn”)), about such minor things as crossing my legs….

And then I think “Oh for christs sake, no one’s going to care”….but it doesn’t stop me stressing anyway!

On a totally different subject – some study has apparently shown that people who use computers lots end up with mental problems (this is a very basic summary based on my mothers insitance that I should use the computer less…). Although it might be said that my computer use is excessive….but in my parents house the TV reception is so appauling that I don’t bother watching tele….my DVD drive is connected to my computer – so if I do watch a DVD….it’s probably on my computer…..I design web-pages in my spare time, or edit these “In My Brain” thingies, or answer e-mails (or read them, the TG-Lists take up about 1 hr of my day)….and that really doesn’t leave that much time to do much else.

That’s not strictly true – when I’ve got money I read lots, and in summer I go walking – but here, in winter, with all my books packed away in the garage, and nowhere for me to relax….alone….and read. Well, my room is my refuge and my computer’s are just too easy to use. I mean, with MP3.com they’ve got half a ton of music on them as well….

And it’s just too easy to turn ’em on…..and sit down….and end up using them instead of something else I had planned. So….yeah, I probably do yuse them too much – but in the absence of a viable alternative interest – what am I meant to do? I could….go to the pub on my own (wooo!)….because I know no-one my age or older, or younger in the village with anything like my interests. Or, I could watch static on the tele….

So, all in all an exciting life I _could_ lead…..but I can’t see how using computers could lead to mental difficulties. Unless it’s playing games too much – but I’m not heavily into gaming. Infact I’m barely lightly into gaming – apart from major sessions of SimCity once in a while….

So I think I’m probably safe to contine….wibble…..spatula….There’s about 3 people in the world who’ll understand why I put spatula there….I wonder if any of them will read it?

I think that’s enough jabbering for one night (it really is just plain insanity tonight init!).

LOL

Kate XX

06 Feb 2000 – 20:31.52

No, no, not more!

Yes, I’m back, and at the writing again……Before I offend 99% of the population with this….when I talk about female/male I’m usually referring to the stereotype. Not the way most women/men actually behave…..okay…..

Anyway, what’s on my mind? Well, let’s see…..I was reading a site today which talked about why many MtoF TS people want to become women, not as in genetic, but the mental decision process, which ends up initally with them just as trapped as they were in the male role, because they leap to becoming 100% feminine….which is not what they really want.

This seemed odd to me, because the one thing I’ve never felt is that I desperately wanted to fit perfectly into the female role. I will fit much better than I do in the Male role, indeed I’ll probably fit about as well into the female role as any genuine girl. Why? Because I’m not going to sit and preen and want to be a stereotypical female. Like most women I have interests which don’t fit within the stereotypical female role (soft and gentle all the time (aka the fairer sex ideals)).

Even as a girl I’ll still want to do my computer work, I’ll still sit sanding lumps of rust on my car, and changing the oil. I’ll do woodwork (although I’ve never exactly been 100% wonderful at DIY – too much of a perfectionist without enough patience).

The basis of wanting to be female is so that I can be happy with my body (or at least happier), and so I can break the conventions I want to by choice rather than the difficult situation I’m in of breaking some conventions now – but not by choice.

One of the other things on my mind is how bad my Androgynous/male mode is getting. What brought this into my mind was a couple of incidents…. I was at work, following someone down some stairs – now I’m fairly observant (years of watching other peoples behaviour) and I noticed that she was walking down the stairs in the “traditional female way”….i.e. with the arm more or less horizontal and the wrist relaxed….the unfortunate thing was what passed through my mind immediately afterwards….which was:

Put hand on banister and run it down there so it looks like that’s what you were intending to do….

I’d been wandering around and forgotten that I was in male mode…..bugger.

I keep crossing my legs when I sit down – all the time….which isn’t great….

And, when I was looking for houses with my friend I carried my bag around. This is normal for me (to the point that the S.O. calls it my handbag)….It was only when we were in an estate agents and I sat down, crossed my legs and put the bag down to the left of the chair I realised what I looked like…..one uncross of the legs later…….through the gentle manoeuvre which ends up with one ankle resting on the knee of the other leg….then leaning forward and putting the foot back down on the floor at the same time….

I’m also not sure James found it as funny as I did, but one woman did try to persuade us that a one bedroom house was fine….and we’re both sitting there going “No, No, no, Two SEPARATE bedrooms Please”……

And on a totally unrelated note, I just thought I’d prove that I’m insane. I’ve installed an Alpha, on Windows…..

Yes, all you techies out there I’ve got Mozilla M13 installed…..and it’s quite good, in places….except that, well, err, the preferences get lost whenever you quit which is a pain….and unless I have it set to “Use Windows Colours” (or even colors) I can barely read the nice, pale purple text which makes up the preferences window….

Back to non techie stuff, well, here’s an amusing tale….I booked my car into a garage for it’s MOT this week…..and I stood there…the conversation went someat like this:

[ Mechanic ]: What model is it?

[ Kate ]: It’s a Golf…. 1.4 ….

[ Mechanic ]: And the number plate?

[ Kate ]: Erm…..XXXN….NNX [X=letter, N=number]

[ Mechanic ]: Looking puzzled….Errr….are you sure you haven’t got that backward……….no…..we’re not up to X…….hmmm……OHHHHH…It’s an OLD one!

[ Kate ]: yes…..

So, now my car is so old that even mechanics don’t expect it to be on the road….I’ve not told Nina (!)……I mean, the car’s younger than me, why shouldn’t it be roadworthy?

Oh yes, the other amusing tale, this relates to what I said about Male mode earlier….

I was sat in the office at work earlier this week….(thus in male mode), when this BT engineer sticks his head round the door and says:

Hi, Can you help me with…

I start to turn round

Oh sorry, you must be one of the students..

and turns and walks away

So, what’s wrong with that? Why should this be a problem to my “male mode” – I mean I’m 21, so only just out of school age range…..why? Because I work in a Girls School! I smiled all day! And now I’m smiling again…..

Anyway, best get off…..other things to do!

LOL

Kate (still with a vbg on her face)….

30 Jan 2000, 20:47.32.

Bloody hell, she’s at it again…

Yes indeed, more typing from the mistress of tedium….I just fancied saying: I had a good weekend. It was cool…..having stressed about letting my friend meet me in a skirt, he either hid horror very well indeed or else took it as my S.O. said he would (as in he’d be fine)… Although she did ask how it went….

For all those who aren’t interested skip the following paragraph; I wore the black stretchy skirt (from the top photo) and my new grey (gray for Americans) jumper, black tights and trainers….blue (electric blue) nailpolish and some blue eyeshadow. Pretty much standard for me in a skirt….so…

Anyway. he was absolutely fine, and after a little nervousness we just chatted away. He even called me Kate, which was really nice.

Anwyay – after changing back into “andro mode” we trundled into London (I’ve been around London as me, but unless I know the area then I’m not really happy to wander about as me), for the evenings main entertainment which was…to see Elastica….

And that was cool. It was in the Astoria, which is a “slighly” Seedy looking gay club most of the week, but makes for a nice small venue. I was in the second “row” of the crush at the front and so had an excellent view….

The support bands (Zoe Llyons, a band who I desparately want to call compostor, and Fridge) weren’t that hot. The Zoe bloke was clearly good at what he does, I just don’t like it. The band who’s name I constantly forget were good, but not really interesting (noting awe inspiring, and seemed highly derivative), and Frigde….fridge were a real disapointment. I so wanted to like them…..but they were just…..dull.

The thing about fridge was that it never did anything tune wise. It would start strong, then just carry on exactly the same for about 10 minutes and then stop. Although I would (for each song) go…”ohhh, this sound good” (in mt head at least), after 5 minutes I’d just be going “and….what’s it going to do now”.

Anyway….Elastica played for about an Hour. And they were excellent. Absolutley ****ing excellent. Wow. The one song that was really missed was Vaseline – which they claimed the new band members don’t know how to play….

Donna’s replacement (who’s name I don’t yet know) was cool, bouncy, fun….and even Annie smiled. Only briefly – but hey…..

So….if they do release their new album in march there’ll be a purchase there….

Also there’s the merest possibility, of a hint of a chance that I might, just possibly, have found an intresting house….if they’ll keep it until March. And so, that’s my life….

Anyway – I’ve got to go, other things to do…..

like sleeping…

TTFN – Kate.

Addendum: The one odd thing about seeing my freind is the male/female issue – which is I’m never quite sure what to call myself. The automatic – substitute “male” for “female” catches me, but not all the time. For example I was a “knight of the road….or whatever you call a female knight….”

Ahh well.

26 Jan 2000 – 23:08.29.

Soooo… not so late! I was thinking it seems like an age since I wrote last, then I looked. A mere 6 days…..

But it’s been a full few days. Finally, all but one person from university knows, and even then that’s only because I didn’t know his e-mail or any other contact address….although one found out in a way I would have preferred him not to….since I didn’t tell him myself. Most of them took it very well, some down to the Eddie Izzard sort of well level (I’m cooking eggs here…)

Some not so well, but none so horrifically badly that they’re not talking to me….which has made me feel a lot better. Today we also get a rant. And an update on my job and homes….

Well, lets start with that rant.

<rant>

Today, at work I used MS FrontPage, now ths is purely because the work has already been done in Frontpage and thus, as it was already loaded I simply hit the HTML “tab” and tapped away producing my usual nested tables, small but neat code and achieveing exactly the desired effect (makes me sound big headed, but since it was the effect I desired then….that makes it easier to achive the goal). Anyway. Call me an idiot. I’d forgotten that Frontpage “corrects” your code. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! NO. It was perfect. And call me an idiot again – I hadn’t saved it. First in it’s list of novelty tricks was the ‘new’ </tr> tag. Nonexistant according to my copy of the HTML spec. And certainly not required. Then….then…..it reformatted my table. So from 2 columns we got 3 columns. Even better than that it didn’t adjust the colspan tag so the table was just bizzare. And in places it was still two columns. Then it had the nerve to screw up my colours….after this I refuse to edit pages in it. It took me about 10 minutes to undo what it had done. Fortunately I hadn’t done all of it. It was to be an entire calendar, but as it was an example site I stopped after February…..

</rant>

On the job – the person who’s “above” me is leaving at the end of Feb – so I’m taking his place and with luck, love and lollypops I should get a 1K payrise…..so I might be able to afford to eat, breath and live…..

The job itself is still cool – and I’ve found that I can wear / get away with wearing / no-one has commented on me wearing – neat black jeans. More precisely neat black womens jeans. Which is doing my level of relaxedness a _lot_ of good. The teaching of teachers went okay, and really all is well at the moment….

I’m still overawed by this site. How many hits? 10632! Why? Am I that interesting? I don’t think so…..It’s obviously not my writing (how do I know? You can count the responses to: a)what do you think? and b)Do you want an e-mail when I upload the next chapter – on less than one hand…..)

So, what’s attracting people? Is it the SO page?

Is it my ramblings?

Perhaps it’s time to add a general comment page…..Hmmmmm

Anyway – work tomorrow, thus bed now….

LOL

Kate