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Well, I had complaints (thank you martin <g>) about my lack of updates on the diary….so. What’ve I been up to? Well… I’ve…err…been doing some Java, and I now have a better grasp of how to do Object Orientated (thank you again Damian, that was actually really helpful)…

I’ve been being driven nuts by my parents…I lasted a whole day before thinking…”nooo!”. It’s the loss of freedom thing….I get used to it very quickly, I loved the freedom of university, I like being able to eat what I like when I like….and buy food that I want….and listen to music when I want…and not have to wait for the phone….

And also to wander about semi-naked because I can’t be arsed to get dressed after having a shower.

All these things I love, and all of them disappear when my parents come back…like sunday I just wanted (really, really wanted) a sausage sandwich – but my mum decided to do the whole family lunch thing…and it was sweetcorn. Yup, very nice….but no, not what I wanted!

Anyway yes, and obviously theres been the launch of the surprisingly popular “Kates Cavern Webcam” which has amazed me with the number of voeyeurs I know… Especially since I tend not to actually do anything but chat on IRC when the camera is on…

Although it’s not always on because Logitech’s “Quickcam” software is complete shite, and grabs the sound hardware, even when it’s not using it (Grrr) – meaning that I can’t listen to music when the webcams on…hence it gets turned off when I fancy listening to stuff from my computer…

Yes, so there’s that….

What else? Well, there’s a new link on the links page to Tam’s (groovy) page and another one on there….but you’ll have to locate that one….but anyway yes…

My life. Yes indeed. Well, I’ve been feeling a little more positive, then a little more negative, then a little more pos….get the idea? Some days I feel like death in the mornings and just want to curl up, and others I’m quite bright and cheery. But never mind. I’m sure it’ll sort itself out. Actually I’ve found so long as I keep doing things (to the point of not stopping to think) – then I’m fine. I just (at the moment) keep thinking of wasted time….lots of it…

But on the other hand, I’m hoping to resign this week, and so, well, apart from the “needing a job very rapidly” thing I shall feel that I’m making (at least some) progress.

On the other hand, I will need a job veryrapidly. Especially since the car insurance is due next month. I’ve done my sums, I reckon if they let me go immidately then I have, err, approx 10 weeks, and if they make me say on another month then I have nearer 15 weeks, before I have to take a temp job….so long as I don’t have to go anywhere, or spend any money other than that required to keep me travelling to interviews. Oh, and I don’t have a social life….

Still, at least I’ll have transitioned. And then I can be me, with a full existance, not some halfway house where I’m not being myself for about half of the time…….

So, that’s the way things stand at the moment….

By the way, if you haven’t seen it, go see the X-men film, it’s cool :)

And, also, buy the film “Ma Vie En Rose” and watch it. It’s on VHS in this country and on DVD in America, and I at least appear to be able to watch it on my player when it’s set to region 2….

Right, enough advice dispensed….

—
Kate :)

PS, A bit Hi to Donna too :)
More elastica fans, that’s what we need <g>

Well, I thought I really, really ought to update my site since it appears people not only read it, but also actually care about me, which is kinda nice :)

So, thanks to all the people who either rang, wrote or got to me in some other way to say that I’m not as awful as I think I am….it appears people like me! Wow! Seriously, thanks to everyone….

But; what am I doing at home on a week day when I should be working? Well, as I said the idea of work makes me physically sick, so I’m going to see my doctor tomorrow and see about getting some time off….probably with the intention of resigning. As people keep saying to me, your health is more important than money – but I need the job a little longer because otherwise there’ll be no car insurance paid which can only be a bad thing….

Otoh, if I don’t spend any money then technically I could quit now and just about afford it. I couldn’t eat, but I’d at least be able to go places…well, actually that’d take petrol….which is a little pricey.

So, what am I going to do? Well. It’s clear that I can’t carry on working where I am, and the Java is showing faint signs of becoming understandable and sticking in my head which is a Good Thing^tm….so, maybe, just maybe things’ll turn out okay. At the moment I’m drawing on the fact other people believe I can do it to give myself the will to carry on because I don’t have that much faith in myself. Infact, tbh I have none. But, hell, people seem to think I can do it – so I’ll have to see if they’re right.

Anyway. I’m off to do a wee-bit more Java (having uploaded this….)

—
Kate
(The slighly more sane than at the weekend variant ;)

Well, Mmmm. Not good….The idea of going back to work as “male” has actually been making me feel sick, to the point where I might have to take some time off work sick because I feel so awful all the time. Although I’ve been suspecting that it was happening for a while (the last few days) – I wasn’t really sure until yesterday…and that caused a bit of a problem.

You see, around the time of my GCSE’s, when I suppose I was really gender crashing for the first time (I really struggled with day to day life and spent almost all my free time when I could as female)….I went to see the doctor because I appeared to be lactose intolerant. However having removed all the milk from my diet we decided that that was not the cause…so we moved on to various other things – and various treatments, and eventually came to the conclusion that it was a stress related disorder. Now; I suffered from it continuously until I started dealing with TS issues. After I started to deal with them then there was no problem whatsoever. Interviews – which had previously been hell on earth, I could cope with. Infact nothing bothered me to the extent of making me ill….

But now, after 6 months it’s back, and I feel sh*t. And for some reason it brought all the old neurosies to the surface. To the extent that I spent a good 2 hours crying last night, solidly. And lots more time crying on and off during the day….calling myself useless, unable to think of a single achievement in my life, and not believing in my friends (i.e. feeling that I wasn’t actually cared about by anyone)….

Martin tried to talk to me, but I just ended up crying and hanging up – I simply wasn’t capable of it….then I lay in bed for hours….I got virtually no sleep (about 2 hours I think) and crawled out of bed at 5am to watch a rainstorm.

Then crawled back to bed…then got up. And all day I’ve been trying to make myself feel better about myself but I simply can’t. I started to cheer up, when I managed to do a bit of Java – but even that started to go distinctly pear shaped (i.e. I can get half of the program to work the way I think it should, the other half has to be done the way in the book….)

I’m feeling stupid, unloved, miserable. And I’m depressing myself about work to the point that I feel I might have to quit just to survive. Otherwise I’m going to end up (ultimately) being very, very ill. But with no other skills and no competence in Java (I’m just not that good at teaching myself) I’d be without a job, and with a lot of expenses going out…

Well. We’ll see…

—
Kate

Well, today’s been a whole barrel of fun. About the time I first really started realising that I had “issues” with my gender I gained a stress related disorder. And since I was stressed a lot of the time I was ill a lot of the time. It stayed with me from my GCSE’s through university….and dissapeared when I started dealing with the gender issues.

Even the job interviews didn’t make me feel ill – unlike they used to. Unfortunately (and I’ve been noticing this for the past few days) it’s come back. With avengence. I’m not sure what to do – I think it’s the fact that I have to be ‘male’ for work which is causing it, but the only way I can do anything about that is to quit. But if I did then I could transition.

But I’d be broke. On the other hand I could devote all my time to learning Java which’d get me into the job I want to do.

Right now I’m sitting here with a really, really nasty stomach ache, and knowing that I’m not going to be able to eat properly for ages (well, I can eat…..) which would be handy for loosing weight, if I needed to, but for once in my life my weight is pretty much okay.

So, I’ll probably be waif like….

Anyway, I’m off to consider my options….

Kate

Windows Media Player 7 – Bringing yet more instability to your world.

I wonder if that’s the undisplayed tagline? Why? Becuase my Windows system is now less stable than a dog on wet lino, and…..I must say I’m impressed with WMP7. Not only does it look crap, and crash if I get disconnected from a stream, but…..wait for it, it’s also broken my Winamp install, and all the sound system stuff so that it’s the /only/ player I’ve got that works atm.

Now, if Win98 hadn’t been such an abject failure in every way then I miight have given it another chance. But that’s it. No more. When I get time this becomes a linux box…

Anyway, what’ve I been up to then? Well….On saturdat morning I wandered into London to change my camera and show James the shops in which you get to drool over carious bits of computer/electronic equipment. We also had a little wander into a computer show show where I nearly bought some dubious memory at a dubious price….I also feel that I have to show of the recipt for the ticket since the bloke at the Underground Station seemed at pains to point it out to me….so here it is….just check out the bottom line – cool innit :-)

Afterwards we wandered out to [CENSORED] to meet up with some of my university friends (Hope, Paul, and Cassie (James arrived with me))…..It was nice to relax and chat to people….

Although a little odd being as I last saw some of these people ages and ages ago….

Afterwards I dropped in on Kira to hand over the bottle of wine which was promised, a mere month and a half ago…..Efficency at it’s best ;-)

She foolishly invited me (and James who was being given a lift back) in….and, um, well, we stayed….until 8o’clock….which was cool, although James was outteched….and sat down saying “I must learn stuff”….which I found rather too amusing….

Anyway, I’m meant to be learning Java, but I’m far too much of a people person and am thus suffering from lack of people….hence I’m off to Kira’s tomorrow…. :)

Right, time for me to do something….

—
Kate

Right, well, the award for complete idiocy goes to Ms Kate Elliott, who having written a complete copy of “in my brain” for today sent it to herself, deleted the original at work, came home said “save” didn’t check it had, and deleted that version too….

Fortunately the picture of Habib made it, which is important for reasons which will become apparent later….

Anyway, today’s not been too bad (apart from that incident with the deleting e-mails)….I actually did a couple of odd jobs at work today, and spent an inordinately long time on the phone to RM about various minor problems…

But that’s not why I’m in a good mood. I’m in a good mood because I yet again have a social life this weekend….and I have a week off to learn Java….so no “male mode” or at least no “listen to sexist remarks and pretend that they don’t bug me mode”….

So I’m chilling….despite being dragged out of bed at 7:30 by the postie for a registered delivery (it was a Herbie DVD :) and despite being called sir today (okay; I’m meant to look male at work but I don’t need it rubbed in)….

Anyway, yes, what’s with the Habib picture? Well, Kira and Rachie keep claiming I’m sweet, and cute….and sexy! Ha! Anyway, after a variety of these comments Kira said that I look like Constable Habib from the Thin Blue Line…..now for your edification (if you’re not knowledgeable on the characters from said TV series here is a page with a (rather grotty) picture of Habib and Myself…..as you can see, they’re not similar at all….

However, I’m not complaining, if people find me sexy….cute I also quite like (although I reserve the right to defend my lack of cuteness)….but I refuse to accept “sweet”.

However I may have to think Kira, Maria, Jenny and Rachie for their help getting PPP to work on the Linux box…. I’ll be testing it later tonight…. so we’ll see….

Yes…anyway, I thought I’d say what happened on monday….yes…

Well, after my RR appointment I went out for a cup of coffee and a Danish while I waited for Lisa and Jamie, now, perhaps this is a good point to mention my new cool top which proclaims “Rude When Nude” (and it’s purple, how cool is that???). Anyway this van pulls up to the traffic lights, and aparently I pass more than I believe in that they, um, suggested that I should prove the comment on my teeshirt. And,,,,,um, yeah.

The thing about it is at one level I was thinking “humph, no respect for women” – and at another I was thinking “Cooool :)”.

So…um. yeah.

anyway, I think it’s time I went for a shower….and changed my sheets….and sorted out what I’m taking tomorrow….

Byeee

Kate….