Mostly lemon based

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  • Post entry_158

    11 Aug 2000, 20:24.38.

    Right, well, the award for complete idiocy goes to Ms Kate Elliott, who having written a complete copy of “in my brain” for today sent it to herself, deleted the original at work, came home said “save” didn’t check it had, and deleted that version too….

    Fortunately the picture of Habib made it, which is important for reasons which will become apparent later….

    Anyway, today’s not been too bad (apart from that incident with the deleting e-mails)….I actually did a couple of odd jobs at work today, and spent an inordinately long time on the phone to RM about various minor problems…

    But that’s not why I’m in a good mood. I’m in a good mood because I yet again have a social life this weekend….and I have a week off to learn Java….so no “male mode” or at least no “listen to sexist remarks and pretend that they don’t bug me mode”….

    So I’m chilling….despite being dragged out of bed at 7:30 by the postie for a registered delivery (it was a Herbie DVD :) and despite being called sir today (okay; I’m meant to look male at work but I don’t need it rubbed in)….

    Anyway, yes, what’s with the Habib picture? Well, Kira and Rachie keep claiming I’m sweet, and cute….and sexy! Ha! Anyway, after a variety of these comments Kira said that I look like Constable Habib from the Thin Blue Line…..now for your edification (if you’re not knowledgeable on the characters from said TV series here is a page with a (rather grotty) picture of Habib and Myself…..as you can see, they’re not similar at all….

    However, I’m not complaining, if people find me sexy….cute I also quite like (although I reserve the right to defend my lack of cuteness)….but I refuse to accept “sweet”.

    However I may have to think Kira, Maria, Jenny and Rachie for their help getting PPP to work on the Linux box…. I’ll be testing it later tonight…. so we’ll see….

    Yes…anyway, I thought I’d say what happened on monday….yes…

    Well, after my RR appointment I went out for a cup of coffee and a Danish while I waited for Lisa and Jamie, now, perhaps this is a good point to mention my new cool top which proclaims “Rude When Nude” (and it’s purple, how cool is that???). Anyway this van pulls up to the traffic lights, and aparently I pass more than I believe in that they, um, suggested that I should prove the comment on my teeshirt. And,,,,,um, yeah.

    The thing about it is at one level I was thinking “humph, no respect for women” – and at another I was thinking “Cooool :)”.

    So…um. yeah.

    anyway, I think it’s time I went for a shower….and changed my sheets….and sorted out what I’m taking tomorrow….

    Byeee

    Kate….

  • 09 Aug 2000, 18:10.22

    [Ed]: this is essentially a rant after a really, really bad day….my appologies to SuSE, but not to RHA….

    Excuse me, Arrrrrgggggghhhhh!

    I hate “Red Hot Ant” and I hate “SuSE Linux” at the moment. Why? Well, Red Hot Ant have continued to “maintain” their level of service; this amounts to me having to retry connections about 40 or more times most days. This, as you can guess is quite irritating. Infact it’s bloody infuriating; especially when I’m in the middle of a conversation, I get cut off by a 3 hour disconnect, and then have to wait upwards of half an hour for another connection .

    Why do I hate linux atm? Becase it’s fated (like many things in my life) to be a disaster. We’ll have the summary of disasters: Having got my P75 server I required a case etc, so I ordered one. It went to the wrong address; 2 times (incidentally it was the same wrong address). Having got them I trundled off to purchase a hard disk, not being able to afford a new one I bought a second hand IDE one online which was descibed as having “no faults”.

    This was a highly innacurate description, for although I payed for a 4 gig drive I got a 6 gig drive which sounds like a lawnmower and has 2 gig in bad sectors.

    Finally, I got the machine together. Installed linux. The modem didn’t work. I get a replacement modem, which does work…..

    And so we’re here. With a partially configured machine, which, and I’ll be honest is completly useless. I can’t persuade it (when it does connect) to add the alledged gateway from Red Hot Ant to the routing table, mostly initally because their “default gateway” doesn’t actually (excuse me) f*cking exist. Hours I spent cursing linux, my modem, my inneptitude. Wondering where on earth I was going wrong – and infact it was that the IP address they give is incorrect.

    So, having logged on using my windows machine I managed to get the gateway info (or at least I thought I did), however, when I try to add this gateway on the Linux machine it simply stops. It doesn’t crash as such – in that the infamous [Ctrl]+[c] kills the program “route” command but it doesn’t add it.

    That added to the fact that there’s about a million other things to setup (like getting it to redial automatically, because the chances of getting a first time connect to Red Hot Ant are smaller than the chances of a meteor falling on your head), and the fact my modem has a “Blacklist” function which currently requires it to be reset (as in switched off and back on) after 20 attempts makes me want to scream.

    I would love to switch over to Linux, but since every piece of documentation I have contradicts something else, or contradicts cold hard fact (such as “the file is located at /etc/…” when it blatantly isn’t, and “the file will look like the example below”; no it won’t). At the moment it seems Linux does not want me – despite the fact that whatever I say I love linux.

    Anyway. next up, what has been going on in my life (now I’ve got that out of the way!)…well, I had my second appointment with Russell Reid, which went okay, I changed my hormone regime rather drastically, but hopefully it should be slightly healthier and more effective….

    I also spent an inordinately large amount of time shopping :)

    Lots of fun…then I fell apart on Monday night at the idea of going back to work…and seriously considered quitting – just because I find presenting as male for work really, really hard. Especially when my boss starts commenting on other women….

    Anyway….

    /me dissapears.

    /me uses IRC to much ;-)

    Kate….

  • Post entry_157

    [Ed]: this is essentially a rant after a really, really bad day….my appologies to SuSE, but not to RHA….

    09 Aug 2000, 18:10.22

    Excuse me, Arrrrrgggggghhhhh!

    I hate “Red Hot Ant” and I hate “SuSE Linux” at the moment. Why? Well, Red Hot Ant have continued to “maintain” their level of service; this amounts to me having to retry connections about 40 or more times most days. This, as you can guess is quite irritating. Infact it’s bloody infuriating; especially when I’m in the middle of a conversation, I get cut off by a 3 hour disconnect, and then have to wait upwards of half an hour for another connection
    .

    Why do I hate linux atm? Becase it’s fated (like many things in my life) to be a disaster. We’ll have the summary of disasters: Having got my P75 server I required a case etc, so I ordered one. It went to the wrong address; 2 times (incidentally it was the same wrong address). Having got them I trundled off to purchase a hard disk, not being able to afford a new one I bought a second hand IDE one online which was descibed as having “no faults”.

    This was a highly innacurate description, for although I payed for a 4 gig drive I got a 6 gig drive which sounds like a lawnmower and has 2 gig in bad sectors.

    Finally, I got the machine together. Installed linux. The modem didn’t work. I get a replacement modem, which does work…..

    And so we’re here. With a partially configured machine, which, and I’ll be honest is completly useless. I can’t persuade it (when it does connect) to add the alledged gateway from Red Hot Ant to the routing table, mostly initally because their “default gateway” doesn’t actually (excuse me) f*cking exist. Hours I spent cursing linux, my modem, my inneptitude. Wondering where on earth I was going wrong – and infact it was that the IP address they give is incorrect.

    So, having logged on using my windows machine I managed to get the gateway info (or at least I thought I did), however, when I try to add this gateway on the Linux machine it simply stops. It doesn’t crash as such – in that the infamous [Ctrl]+[c] kills the program “route” command but it doesn’t add it.

    That added to the fact that there’s about a million other things to setup (like getting it to redial automatically, because the chances of getting a first time connect to Red Hot Ant are smaller than the chances of a meteor falling on your head), and the fact my modem has a “Blacklist” function which currently requires it to be reset (as in switched off and back on) after 20 attempts makes me want to scream.

    I would love to switch over to Linux, but since every piece of documentation I have contradicts something else, or contradicts cold hard fact (such as “the file is located at /etc/…” when it blatantly isn’t, and “the file will look like the example below”; no it won’t). At the moment it seems Linux does not want me – despite the fact that whatever I say I love linux.

    Anyway. next up, what has been going on in my life (now I’ve got that out of the way!)…well, I had my second appointment with Russell Reid, which went okay, I changed my hormone regime rather drastically, but hopefully it should be slightly healthier and more effective….

    I also spent an inordinately large amount of time shopping :)

    Lots of fun…then I fell apart on Monday night at the idea of going back to work…and seriously considered quitting – just because I find presenting as male for work really, really hard. Especially when my boss starts commenting on other women….

    Anyway….

    /me dissapears.

    /me uses IRC to much ;-)

    Kate….

  • 8th Sept 2000, 12:59

    Well, I’m not exactly much happier, but at least I’m not crying now….I went to work today and just about made it through, although I was nearly in tears for no good reason several times – which was fun.

    I suppose, reading yesterdays comments I just felt that they weren’t how I feel now. I think, having calmed down I don’t feel quite so bad about myself. Not good. I wouldn’t go that far. But not so bad. I think, with Linux, the thing is unlike with RISC OS where I was unafraid to do stupid things, and unlike Windows where I’d seen it in use loads – all I’ve had very little experience of Linux for such a long time. And that that I had of Unix was not at a level where I could “play”. I could fiddle, mildly, but I did infact spend most of my time doing project related stuff.

    I also have no-one to just hang around and watch – and thus see it in use…so it’s kind of harder to pick up stuff (since one of my main methods of picking up skills is just to watch – which probably drives people nuts).

    So, yes. Anyway, with my dad’s help we’ve maybe got something compiling although neither of us could work out which package it was in – so it was just a case of “install all those which it suggests”. Anyway, the compiling has got much further than before – although my system appears to be limpingly slow. I’m thinking PCI soundcard (SB 16 PCI or nearest equivalent. I think it’ll end up being the SB128 ‘tho), more memory and maybe, just maybe it’d be a little bit more bareable.

    Anyway, yes. I also think I know what had upset Java….but fixing it’ll probably upset what I’m building today. Never mind.

    My head is still filled with thoughts of my uselessness and my manyfold failures – but I think I’ll survive. I think much of this is caused by my job which just makes me feel like shite every time I go in.

    Anyway, never mind.

    —
    Kate.

  • 30 Jul 2000, 21:03.38.

    Well, please excuse me if the grammar is a little off and the whole of this days “in my brain” doesn’t really flow right. That’s because I’ve just got back from CCDE and I’ve been hit by a wave of tiredness somewhat like the efect of the pan-galactic-gargleblaster (i.e. Slice of Lemon – wrapped around a large gold brick).

    Anyway, yes. So,….what happened? What’s the goss? Well, Basically, Nikki and I flew up there in Nina on Friday Morn….Getting there around 3 in the afternoon – after an (almost *cough* Nikki ;-) perfect drive…..

    Having got there we pitched our tent and went in search of anyone we knew….and having found them had do takedown and re-erect the tent somewhere else….however with the help of Martin and Zoe the move was swift and fairly painless :)

    Anyway, so I just had a really enjoyable time, apart from being quoted far too much, being told that I still sound like Eddie Izzard, and being tickled (although not as much as I feared). I also spent too much money….(/me has a print of Errol, and a statue thing of Errol, 2 tee-shirts, and another Diskworld book…..

    It was really, really good to finally meet various people I’ve been talking to, particularly Kim and Zoe, and Zoe and Martin – That’s not to discount anyone else, but those were the people who I’ve either been closest to or have encountered most. Meeting Dell and Andrea was also cool. Infact sod it; meeting everyone was cool :)

    And I’ve used the word “Cool” too much in that paragraph.

    Anyway, one thing I did realise is that my social skills are still crap, and I’m still awfully shy. It’s bizarre; on channel I’ll bounce up to people, hug them and whatever. But when I meet them in real life I can barely string to words together to form a coherent sentance :(

    Also seeing Kim/Zoe made me feel dreadful in that they clearly pass whatever, as far as I can see, and it made me think back to my late teens (16/17) when I could also pass completely. Whatever happened. And now I can’t….well, maybe I’ll be able to one day……..

    Anyway. I’m shattered so I’m obviously going to…..go online, upload this….and chat for a bit :)

    G’night

    Kate….

  • Post entry_148

    30 Jul 2000, 21:03.38.

    Well, please excuse me if the grammar is a little off and the whole of this days “in my brain” doesn’t really flow right. That’s because I’ve just got back from CCDE and I’ve been hit by a wave of tiredness somewhat like the efect of the pan-galactic-gargleblaster (i.e. Slice of Lemon – wrapped around a large gold brick).

    Anyway, yes. So,….what happened? What’s the goss? Well, Basically, Nikki and I flew up there in Nina on Friday Morn….Getting there around 3 in the afternoon – after an (almost *cough* Nikki ;-) perfect drive…..

    Having got there we pitched our tent and went in search of anyone we knew….and having found them had do takedown and re-erect the tent somewhere else….however with the help of Martin and Zoe the move was swift and fairly painless :)

    Anyway, so I just had a really enjoyable time, apart from being quoted far too much, being told that I still sound like Eddie Izzard, and being tickled (although not as much as I feared). I also spent too much money….(/me has a print of Errol, and a statue thing of Errol, 2 tee-shirts, and another Diskworld book…..

    It was really, really good to finally meet various people I’ve been talking to, particularly Kim and Zoe, and Zoe and Martin – That’s not to discount anyone else, but those were the people who I’ve either been closest to or have encountered most. Meeting Dell and Andrea was also cool. Infact sod it; meeting everyone was cool :)

    And I’ve used the word “Cool” too much in that paragraph.

    Anyway, one thing I did realise is that my social skills are still crap, and I’m still awfully shy. It’s bizarre; on channel I’ll bounce up to people, hug them and whatever. But when I meet them in real life I can barely string to words together to form a coherent sentance :(

    Also seeing Kim/Zoe made me feel dreadful in that they clearly pass whatever, as far as I can see, and it made me think back to my late teens (16/17) when I could also pass completely. Whatever happened. And now I can’t….well, maybe I’ll be able to one day……..

    Anyway. I’m shattered so I’m obviously going to…..go online, upload this….and chat for a bit :)

    G’night

    Kate….

  • 14 Jul 2000, 21:25.56.

    Well, lets see….

    Last night while I was online I was vaguely involved in a really interesting conversation (vaguely because I was shattered (as per). Essentially the question was “Why can’t I live as male”. Now there are various essential reasons why I can’t – I don’t relate to people in the way that men relate to others. I also can’t cope with my body being “male”. It simply does not fit; when I close my eyes in the shower what my brain says is there isn’t what is physically there, and this leads to major mental discomfort (and occasional physical discomfort!).

    Anyway, the conversation kinda evolved and eventually we were discussing our behaviour, and some people were saying that [my interpretation] they aren’t entirely themselves, because they don’t do some things because they aren’t feminine. Which I found kind of strange, since the only reason I started this course of action was I was truely fed up of not being myself.

    Not being me made me depressed, and rotten company (not that I’m any better now….). So, I sort of said that I do pretty much whatever I want to do – I play with computers, I lie under the car – I think I’d’ve been this way whichever sex I’d been born – however I also go shopping, I wear nail-polish, I drink gin ;)

    Anyway, part of the upshot of this is that I kind of logged off and thought that it sounded like I was a fairly sane person, happy and being myself. The problem though is my neurosies, of which there are many. Infact I think I’m probably one of the most neurotic people I know. I also have the ability to go from being almost confident to the state of believing that I’m truely worthless in a matter of seconds. Which incidentally is how I’m feeling right now.

    Neurotic. Neurotic because I was in Bristol, and I saw Beth gender crash and I still couldn’t get the nerve to talk to her. I desparately wanted to; I doubt I’d have done much of use – but I couldn’t becuase I’m absoloutely neurotic when it comes to meeting new people. I have to know them before I’ll speak – and despite the fact I’ve spent hours talking to them online I still can’t bloody manage. How useless is that? Neurotic about giving people hugs, about what they think of me, about everything on the planet.

    Why am I feeling worthless now? I have no idea. One minute I was fine, then the next I was thinking about 22 wasted years. Then I was in the middle of a major crash, trying to hang on to my mind because I was driving. It’s insane to be so easy to upset. Especially because there was no reason for it. And now it’s cold in here too….

    I suddenly feel like curling up again, so I think that’s what I’ll do.

    Kate

  • Post entry_146

    14 Jul 2000, 21:25.56.

    Well, lets see….

    Last night while I was online I was vaguely involved in a really interesting conversation (vaguely because I was shattered (as per). Essentially the question was “Why can’t I live as male”. Now there are various essential reasons why I can’t – I don’t relate to people in the way that men relate to others. I also can’t cope with my body being “male”. It simply does not fit; when I close my eyes in the shower what my brain says is there isn’t what is physically there, and this leads to major mental discomfort (and occasional physical discomfort!).

    Anyway, the conversation kinda evolved and eventually we were discussing our behaviour, and some people were saying that [my interpretation] they aren’t entirely themselves, because they don’t do some things because they aren’t feminnine. Which I found kind of strange, since the only reason I started this course of action was I was truely fed up of not being myself.

    Not being me made me depressed, and rotten company (not that I’m any better now….). So, I sort of said that I do pretty much whatever I want to do – I play with computers, I lie under the car – I think I’d’ve been this way whichever sex I’d been born – however I also go shopping, I wear nail-polish, I drink gin ;)

    Anyway, part of the upshot of this is that I kind of logged off and thought that it sounded like I was a fairly sane person, happy and being myself. The problem though is my neurosies, of which there are many. Infact I think I’m probably one of the most neurotic people I know. I also have the ability to go from being almost confident to the state of believing that I’m truely worthless in a matter of seconds. Which incidentally is how I’m feeling right now.

    Neurotic. Neurotic because I was in Bristol, and I saw Beth gender crash and I still couldn’t get the nerve to talk to her. I desparately wanted to; I doubt I’d have done much of use – but I couldn’t becuase I’m absoloutely neurotic when it comes to meeting new people. I have to know them before I’ll speak – and despite the fact I’ve spent hours talking to them online I still can’t bloody manage. How useless is that? Neurotic about giving people hugs, about what they think of me, about everything on the planet.

    Why am I feeling worthless now? I have no idea. One minute I was fine, then the next I was thinking about 22 wasted years. Then I was in the middle of a major crash, trying to hang on to my mind because I was driving. It’s insane to be so easy to upset. Especially because there was no reason for it. And now it’s cold in here too….

    I suddenly feel like curling up again, so I think that’s what I’ll do.

    Kate

  • 11 Jul 2000, 17:39.20.

    My goodness, I’m writing this at a sensible time!

    Well, after a gentle hint from Nikki yesterday *g* I’ve decided to update this with what happened at the weekend!

    Well, what happened is that I went to my first TGY meet….

    On friday I flew home early, showered, changed, and flew into Reading to pick up Kelly and Lisa. Having located the early arriving Lisa (I was early anyway) we sat in the car, chatted a bit, I painted my nails and then grabbed Kelly, who was squeezed into the back of the car…..along with her stuff – and some of Lisa’s (being as the boot was full of BBC Master (which in the end didn’t get used, which it turns out was probably for the best as the spacebar’s apparently stopped working since it went into storage!).

    Despite Lisa’s appauling directions *g* (“it didn’t say 16 on the junction”) we got there fairly much on time, or at least at the expected time…..where we were welcomed by Kira, and the many who had already arrived (I think that’s Kate K, Andee, Beth, Ryoko & Rachel (Nikki and Jenny arrived a little later)).

    Anyway, so we sat around, chatted, generally relaxed (or at least I did, dunno if Kira was relaxed with a bunch of nutters in her house ;-)

    Now, as my memory is reknown for it’s poorness, I can’t remember the exact order that things happened, but I do know that over that weekend there was a jam session (for the talented) – during which I took photo’s – which will hppefully be appearing tomorrow – but not for general public consumption! Also I *cough*gotmyearspeirced. You see, we went shopping and there was this evil bunch of transexuals who forced me to get my ears pierced. Or something like that….

    Actually I’ve wanted them done for a while, but been too afraid to do it. And I decided to stuff everyone else – I wanted them pierced – so when several others there got it done I joined them. I however was the only one to attempt to keel over! It wasn’t the pain which made it only to “ouch” – it was the thinking about it afterwards bit (I also blame the fact that the shop was very hot), so, yes, I kinda stood, then sat, then stood (thinking I felt better), then sat again….and repeated this – but actually once I got outside (fresh air ‘n all) I was fine.

    Yup so I’ve now got pierced ears – which I’ve managed to bash and catch things on (ouch)…..

    We also watched “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” which is cool (thanks Ryoko for bringing that :-)

    Anyway, I was rather sad to leave (wish it’d been a bank holiday….), but hell – I had a great time :)

    Then came monday – back to work, with pierced ears…..I was a little nervous – but for no good reason as far as I can tell……No one commented on them, not one person! I was soooooo dissapointed…..I was actually kinda hoping that someone would say something. The Bursor gave me the greatest look of “ohmygodwhendidtheyappear” – but didn’t actually say anything. And they didn’t say anything to day either….

    However two good things happened on Monday…..I managed to get Nikki’s Birthday present – which I was really stressing that they wouldn’t have, but luckily Newbury MVC appears to have an anime geek in it. I know this, becuase he was the person I chose to pay for the present – and he tried to get me involved in a conversation about Anime, which would be great; I love shop assistants who are really interested in what they sell, and so on, however my knowledge of Anime is amazingly limited…..

    Anyway, so that was cool. And the other cool thing was that I got “love’d” again. Some random bloke in Tesco’s called me “love”. How cool is that – it made my day!

    And Nikki seems to like her birthday prezzie (despite the fact it’s not her birthday yet….. ;-)

    So, all in all pretty good atm!

    LOL

    Kate

  • Post entry_145

    11 Jul 2000, 17:39.20.

    My goodness, I’m writing this at a sensible time!

    Well, after a gentle hint from Nikki yesterday *g* I’ve decided to update this with what happened at the weekend!

    Well, what happened is that I went to my first TGY meet….

    On friday I flew home early, showered, changed, and flew into Reading to pick up Kelly and Lisa. Having located the early arriving Lisa (I was early anyway) we sat in the car, chatted a bit, I painted my nails and then grabbed Kelly, who was squeezed into the back of the car…..along with her stuff – and some of Lisa’s (being as the boot was full of BBC Master (which in the end didn’t get used, which it turns out was probably for the best as the spacebar’s apparently stopped working since it went into storage!).

    Despite Lisa’s appauling directions *g* (“it didn’t say 16 on the junction”) we got there fairly much on time, or at least at the expected time…..where we were welcomed by Kira, and the many who had already arrived (I think that’s Kate K, Andee, Beth, Ryoko & Rachel (Nikki and Jenny arrived a little later)).

    Anyway, so we sat around, chatted, generally relaxed (or at least I did, dunno if Kira was relaxed with a bunch of nutters in her house ;-)

    Now, as my memory is reknown for it’s poorness, I can’t remember the exact order that things happened, but I do know that over that weekend there was a jam session (for the talented) – during which I took photo’s – which will hppefully be appearing tomorrow – but not for general public consumption! Also I *cough*gotmyearspeirced. You see, we went shopping and there was this evil bunch of transexuals who forced me to get my ears pierced. Or something like that….

    Actually I’ve wanted them done for a while, but been too afraid to do it. And I decided to stuff everyone else – I wanted them pierced – so when several others there got it done I joined them. I however was the only one to attempt to keel over! It wasn’t the pain which made it only to “ouch” – it was the thinking about it afterwards bit (I also blame the fact that the shop was very hot), so, yes, I kinda stood, then sat, then stood (thinking I felt better), then sat again….and repeated this – but actually once I got outside (fresh air ‘n all) I was fine.

    Yup so I’ve now got pierced ears – which I’ve managed to bash and catch things on (ouch)…..

    We also watched “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” which is cool (thanks Ryoko for bringing that :-)

    Anyway, I was rather sad to leave (wish it’d been a bank holiday….), but hell – I had a great time :)

    Then came monday – back to work, with pierced ears…..I was a little nervous – but for no good reason as far as I can tell……No one commented on them, not one person! I was soooooo dissapointed…..I was actually kinda hoping that someone would say something. The Bursor gave me the greatest look of “ohmygodwhendidtheyappear” – but didn’t actually say anything. And they didn’t say anything to day either….

    However two good things happened on Monday…..I managed to get Nikki’s Birthday present – which I was really stressing that they wouldn’t have, but luckily Newbury MVC appears to have an anime geek in it. I know this, becuase he was the person I chose to pay for the present – and he tried to get me involved in a conversation about Anime, which would be great; I love shop assistants who are really interested in what they sell, and so on, however my knowledge of Anime is amazingly limited…..

    Anyway, so that was cool. And the other cool thing was that I got “love’d” again. Some random bloke in Tesco’s called me “love”. How cool is that – it made my day!

    And Nikki seems to like her birthday prezzie (despite the fact it’s not her birthday yet….. ;-)

    So, all in all pretty good atm!

    LOL

    Kate