Blog

24 Jun 2000, 00:16.59

Well, um, lets see, there’s a fair amount to say, quite a lot of cursing – some good things too……where to begin.

I’ll begin with Chris. Chris is beginning to really bug me….it’s not that he’s incompetent, although he is fairly, it’s not that he’s unwilling to admit his mistakes, or try and correct them – although that’s irritating. No, it’s his obsession with money. I just can’t hack it – it’s not that he want’s enough money to be comfortable, and not worry (which is what I want) – no – he wants to be rich. Now I’ll make jokes about it, and yes, I wouldn’t object to being rich – however I’m not actively running about after money, I have better things to do with my time.

But he seems to be obsessed. He plays at virtual stock brokering – so he can decide if he wants to do it for real, and seemed seriously upset when he lost virtual money – not like really upset, but at the same time there was a definate feeling that he expected to be making lots of money.

Now all of the above might be okay, I could probably put up with it….were it not for the fact that he feigned an interest in IT to get this job – but actually, he has bugger all interest in IT. He wants to be a manager – and he reckons the quickest route to getting a well paid managerial job is through IT. Now for some reason I find that imensely offensive. I do my job, well, I did my job because I enjoyed it – I now do it because I have to – but I’m looking for something which I’ll enjoy and which is more challenging.

I in IT because I love working with computers. He does not, infact he hasn’t got the faintest glimmer of interest in them past reading his e-mail and surfing the web. And somehow that annoys me.

Anyway, yes, then we’ll move onto today (can anyone guess that Kate’s making you all wait for the big news?). Yes. So today (well Friday) was to be the big upgrade day. I prepared my disks, I have all the drivers, the service packs….everything.

I backed up as much as I could, I fdisked….and that’s where the trouble began. First of all, I had to use Linux FDisk to remove all the partitions because cruddy MS Fdisk won’t deal with Non-Dos partitions. Grr. So. Anyway, I’ve got rid of all my partitions, and I divide up the disk: 2Gig, 3Gig (split into a 2Gig and a 1Gig), Gig.

They were to be assigned as follows:

Drive	OS	Format
2Gig	WinNT 4	Fat16 – so I can dual boot.
2Gig (of 3)	Win88SE – For Games	Fat32
1Gig (of 3)	No OS – For Data	Fat 16 – so both NT and W98 can read it
3Gig	Linux	Split sensibly for Linux

So, there you go, made sense to me….

However a small spanner appeared in the works. I was told, by various websites that W95’s format utility (and indeed 98’s) would default to fat16 for disk sizes of 2 Gig and below…..

Hence the 2 Gig WinNT partition. Unfortunately, having created the partitions with MS-DOS FDisk, I discovered that it’s definition of 2000Mb is different to mine, it’s being 2000.2, which appeared to be enough to flick it over to fat32. Of course I didn’t realise this until I tried to install NT, got all the way through copying the files, watched it reboot – and die. This came after I’d setup W98 too…

So, having discovered this I repartitioned the drive – and you at this point realise just how irritating MS-DOS FDisk is….why? Because it repeatedly verifies the disk. All the damn time. It’s reqally, really, really irritating.

Anyway, having repartitioned, I reformated, reinstalled 98, and lo – the disk was still Fat32.

Now I was at a loss. What the hell could I do? Then it hit me. PC DOS 7. My saviour, which incidentally refuesed to install, but allowed me to repartition the disks, quick format drive c as Fat16 and then reinstall 98.

At this very moment the NT installer is attempting to do it’s stuff. Although it fell over when it tried to reboot which I take as a bad sign – but there’s not much I can do but carry on.

Should it fail then I’ll try W98 SE as my only OS, but right now I’m so fed up of the 9x kernal that I can’t imagine that lasting long. The option of intalling just Linux reared it’s head earlier, and it’s becoming more and more popular with me, simply because every MS OS I’ve tried to install since getting this machine has not worked the way it should. Anyway, we’ll see if this has worked.

Well, that’s a resounding no. The machine simply hangs if I let it try and boot into NT, I don’t know if I should try just NT, First we’ll try Just NT, Although I think my HDD is beginning to get fed up of being verifed, partitioned, formated, reformated, reverifed…..

One thing that has amused me is that, and I hope the data survived as what saved it ist the fact that the drive is faulty, and so when – being fairly tired I actually attempted to format this disk – with all my backup data on….it clicked away and couldn’t format it – and I hit Ctrl-C in time!

Right….that’s it. W98 for games, and Linux for serious work. I give in.

Microcrap have pissed me off for the last time. What caused it? Well, I thought ha! Just use NT4 – that’s the ticket to sucess – but no. Because NT 4 won’t read Fat32 – which is where all my backup data is – they can stick it up their proverbial arse. I’ve paid for my last peice of MS Crapware ever. The machine will, for the time being dual boot 98 and Linx. Why 98 – for games and my Hollywood + decoder card.

Right; now that that’s sorted….(it’s formating c as I type) I’ll tell you the exciting news. If anyone’s made it this far…..

I’ve got an interview…..as me. This came about due to me being slightly tired, and also thinking that this was some midget little recruitment firm, and I’d never get anything from them, much like I get absolutely nowt from the companies I’m registered to as “Andre”. However I was mistaken, seriously so.

What makes me say that? Well, quite simply – he e-mailed me the next day with job opportunities, then rang me at work and now I’ve got an interview…..and part of me is bouncing….(no, not those parts! Not yet anyway!) – and part of me is, how shall we say, TERRIFIED!

Anyway, I’m quite looking forward to it in a sheer terror kind of way anyway – and it’s an excuse for me to get more stuff for myself – so I’m off shopping in Reading later today!

Right – I’m off to persuade this p-of-c windows install to actually boot in – and then I’ll be off…..we hope.

G’night!

Kate.

18 Jun 2000, 00:44.35.

Well that was fun.

I’ve just been blamed for my sister getting her exzima back (or however the fuck it’s spelt) (stress). And for the impending desturction of my family. And been told that I should quit my job rather than screw it up for my sister – and then asked why I don’t talk to my mother.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt as alone, and unloved as I do right now. I just wish I could die and save my family all their fucking embaressment – which appears to be what I am.

For 21 years I didn’t do anything to screw up their happy little existance, but now I need they’re help and this is what I get. I know they’ve been really good so far, but this is too much for me….so it’s my fault is it. SO I CHOSE THIS DID I?

I desparetly want to go. I want to disappear, but I’ve got no-where to go. I’ve got no-one to see, no-one.

So I sit here alone and cry. And cry….

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to be away from here. Away from this blame. I don’t know how to cope. I just cry.

I need people – and I’m alone.

Kate.

17 Jun 2000, 09:55.07.

Wow, morning! *g*

Major up….major down….dealing with them in order. I hadn’t been coping with work this week (as I said), and Nikki suggested that I “take friday off” and go shopping with her and Kelly (evil person that she is). And I was feeling absolutely lousy, and the more I thought about it the happier it made me!

So….come the morning I knew that I had to go with Nikki, there was no way I’d manage a full day’s work….so I did. This possibly wasn’t the best plan as it involved ringing in sick, which, it must be said this is the first time I’ve abused that. But tbh I was sick in a way. Sick in the sense that having me breakdown at work, or at least appear at work having cried all the way in would not look good. So, having rationalised that, I popped on my purple shiney nail polish, got dressed, and met Nikki. This time reaching her house by the non-senic route. *g*

And we headed off into London using the dreaded Train….which actually was fine yesterday (a first for public transport!). Yes, so….anyway, we went in & pausing briefly to eat junkfood (Yay!) met up with Kelly, who, it must be said – looked so much happier – with a big grin on her face….

After some geeking (Forbidden Planet) – we trundeled down Oxford Street, and Carnaby Street….

Shopping – good for the soul!

Yes, we shopped….well, they more shopped than me, because I’ve got to get some sunglasses and my car to pay for….and so on….so I was planning to maybe get a long skirt, or somesuch, but nooooo. Oh noooo. The Evil One, sorry – I mean, Nikki took us to a shop (in which I’m convinced she has a part share, or is a member of the profit sharing scheme)……

Y’see when I went to see her last I tried on this fantastic dress – chinese, gorgeous, mmmmm….and this is the shop she got it from. And, erm, I got one. Yes. So. Moving on….Kelly was also ensnared by the dresses and got one for herself, and a leather jacket. The dress costing -£50, unlike mine which was +£50…..

How come? Because she is good at bartering and turned the £200 total into £150! I dunno…some people. So, anyway. from now on Kelly’s going to have to buy all my stuff for me ;)

Yes, so we limped around Tower Records; The Evil One repeating her trick – and sending me out with a CD I’ve been after for ages (the soundtrack to “Different For Girls”) but had actually started to believe was unavailable (it doesn’t list it at the end of the film and absoloutley no-one had it in their database…however it does exist (Oceandeep Records, OCD010). And now I have it, and can play bits of it very loud!

Anyway, yes, we trundled/limped/staggered back to Kelly’s (I’m not used to exercise you see – and by the end of the day my foot was killing me!). Tried on the day’s purchases and “modelled” them to the sound of the camera’s click! So, we wait with baited breath for the photos :).

Eventually, as darkness fell, we headed back (stopping for more junkfood!) and eventually got back home – where I sadly had to leave Nikki (to her parents)….

And headed home. Feeling more and more miserable on the way.

And now, Im miserable, although whenever I talk to people I perk up….which is good – since Rachie’s just come on IRC :) as has Kate K and Sarah Lou…..Yay….I’m off to talk to them.

And moan at my computer supplier – if they ever answer they’re damn phone!

Byeeee.

15 Jun 2000, 23:24.56.

Well, I thought it was time to write about something….the stuff which is going on in my mind.

However it’s difficult to say when it’ll be uploaded – because the PC has just been (temporarily) upgraded to Windows 98, first edition. Why? Because having spent many moons getting the perfect setup of 95 it all went rather pear shaped – and I had to reinstall the OS. But being a K6-II and me being lazy (beyond the normal cause of duty) – I went the 98 path….oh dear.

Anyway, onto what;s been going on. Well, lets say that my life is becoming a struggle, every morning is a fight to get the will power to make it in. It’s really a struggle even to get up at the moment.

Although I think I’ve won over that one….by the simple step wandering around in my dressing gown until ten minutes before I need to go, at which point I pull on the clothes….

However I’m npt sure how long I can do this – it’s getting seriously stressful, to the point that I am frequently depressed beyond belief by the time I get to work. To the point where I’m nearly in tears driving. This is obviously not the good. Infact I’ve actually decided that the only thing to do is to skip off tomorrow (it was suggested to me) – sick, as I simply cannot cope this week.

Although I’m not at all sure that the being myself will do anything but make it worse.

Now, Kira’s suggested that I should transtition at my current work place, and I would – but for my sister. I would be willing to give it a shot, girls, staff, Tony….all of this I’m willing to try and overcome, but to screw up my sisters life as well if it goes wrong. Well that’s just too much to do.

Although I’d dearly love to – simply because it means that when I move on I get a reference in the right name, and no-one has to know I was ever male….which as far as I’m concerned would be wonderful.

Kira also claims that I look fine, which I don’t believe, at least most of the time. But sometimes I look in the mirror and I definately see a female – which makes me feel much, much happier.

Anyway, one thing that did make me laugh was the Alice cartoon today, particularly the last frame (below)…..

Anyway….

I’m off….g’night.

Kate

13 Jun 2000, 23:13.40

The stress is definately getting to me. I can tell this because I’m screaming at things. This is never a good sign, and what caused it was a simple issue. Me wasting 113 pounds because f*cking Pioneer were to f*cking lazy to respond to any of my mails.

And one wasn’t sent through the pile of cr*p that is red hot ant, so I actually believe it should have arrived.

Now, wasting 100 UKP isn’t good. But wasting for no good reason, when you couldn’t really afford it is worse. I’m hoping that the company in question will take the drive I bought back – but if not, then I’m stuck with a new DVD drive which I can’t afford – and which hasn’t fixed the problem.

What is the problem? That my DVD’s corrupt the screen, then crash the software when playing. Why did I think it was the drive? Because it started with a specific kind of disk, then spread, like a virus, to all my disks, which suggested that the drive itself was dying.

This doesn’t explain why I’m screaming tho’

It’s stress, and the stress of pouring this money away just sent me over the edge……I can’t afford it anyway. Why the f*ck was I so stupid?

Why was I stressed already?

Because I can’t cope with living 2 existances, I can’t cope with lying to people about who I am, I want to be me – all of the time.

It takes me over an hour to get dressed in the mornings now. That is insane – but I simply don’t want to go anymore. I just want to cry atm, I want to be me – I know who I am; it took me 21 years to get to that stage, I don’t want to waste any more time.

Oh god…..I’ve had enough……

I just don’t want to do this anymore.

kate.