Category: General

Argh!

There are several problems, many of which are Java related, and the other ones are “being stuck at home” related. First of all, I’m trying to learn Java…the fact that I’ve not done anything for a month makes it hard enough, but the first problem is being at home. Over the period of time from when I start reading/trying to program I slowly get more and more infuriated by the complete lack of space. I have no deskspace, so I end up stretched between the chair and the bed with books and keyboard on my legs (this incidentally also makes my legs hurt which is hardly a mood enhancer).

Anyway. So, I find some stuff I want to use – I then have to turn to use the mouse, and after a very short period of time I’m screaming in anguish as I’ve dropped a book – or lost the page, again, and I can’t have the book near me when I’m typing which makes referring to it very difficult.

The amount of deskspace available – if it were avilable is roughly the width of a keyboard plus the thinnest width of a mousemat. Infact it’s 2’1 and a bit inches…and front to back? 1’11”.

Unfortunately in that space are two keyboards, a scanner, two mice a desk lamp and my penholder. None of which can live anywhere else. I can’t actually put my feet under the desk, becuase there are two PC’s under there.

Being at home also means a complete lack of privacy. My mother insists on coming in and staring at the computer and attempting to read what I’m doing (well, what she gets is a minimised-windowed, plain desktop). If I complain about privacy then she makes some irritating comment before wandering off, making as much noise as possible….

This is it must be said, infuriating. And it’s driving me nuts (I’ve been at home, what 3 days?). And since she’s not working anymore she’s here all the bloody time.

So, the working environment isn’t exactly condusive to success, but then there’s Java. Java with it’s shit documentation, the “oh so helpful” Bad Magic Number error message, which they conveniently don’t actually explain, except in the context of Applets, which this is not. And you see, having got thoroughly pissed off with everything (thanks to being at home, lack of space, etc). I’m really not in the mood to try and find what’s wrong.

I think I’ll give up for now and come back to it later, or on wednesday, as I’m off out tomorrow to see Nikki.

—
Kate

Arse. Arse, arse, arse. Someone pointed out to me yesterday that one of my previous entrys (the one for the 23^rd September) could be read in entirely a way I didn’t intend. It just goes to show how stupid I can be when I’m in a good mood – because once they’d said it I could see it – it was blindingly obvious.

And I really didn’t mean it that way. Not at all….infact I was sat in tears talking to Martin ‘cos I fear that I may have irreprably damaged the relationship I have with some of my closest friends.

So, here, with Martin’s help is what I was trying to say. And I’d like to thank the person who told me, who also took the time to sit and talk to me as I started to think “oh my god what have I done”….

What I wanted to say was that…I am finally myself, I don’t put on an act anymore – people like me – not the act….

What I was trying to say with the bit about my university friends is much harder to explain. That is that – they got to know me when I put on this act – they didn’t (back then) have to put up with my neurotic, low self esteem, self-depracating behaviour. Now they do – and that speaks wonders for them – because not only do they put up with that – they put up with the fact I decieved them like everyone else for years….And yes, I have an emense guilt complex about that. I wish I’d come right out and told everyone.

What I’m amazed at is the fact people seem like me without me having to hide these bits about myself – the fact that I fall apart at regular intervals, and that I get depressed and all the things that I really don’t like about myself.

I’m worried because I may be digging myself into a bigger hole, but as I’ve often said I’m not very good at expressing myself – not that I don’t try – but that what I want to say I can’t explain.

I hope this explains what I want to say. I hope I’ve not made it worse, see the first bit I went over with Martin, but at the time I couldn’t work out how to explain the second bit at all…

I think I’ve done a better job than last time….I’m really sorry if I insulted anyone with that entry – I didn’t mean that at all…. :(

—
Kate

Hmmm, well….

First I’ll write about why I’m currently feeling a little down…, then I’ll say the amusing thing that was driving me nuts earlier (hopefully, that’ll cheer me back up….

Why’m I down…well, I finally put my CD-RW in my computer, and I thought, ah, for the sake of tidyness I’ll go put these boxes (my modem one and the CD-RW one) with the rest of the hardware boxes, out in the garage – and I’ll fetch in my ISA network one….

But, on wandering out of my room I found my dad had the attic open – and I realised that this was a convenient moment to go and find the pictures I used to have on my wall….

But there’s something special about one of these pictures which makes it important to me, it’s the first, surviving photo of me as myself. There were two photos taken of me – by other people, with me being myself – due to a situation I didn’t actually engineer (since I was waaaay to scared to engineer situations back then). One was a school trip – where we were put into teams – and one of the final competitions, worth some ridculous amount was to get one of your “male” team members to dress as a girl – and whoever looked the best would get these points.

My team chose me – with my (at the time) dead long brown hair and whatever as being the best choice – and I (complaining bitterly (but not quite enough to persuade them not to do it… <g>)) ended up being dressed by two of the girls as a girl :-)

Anyway, we went outside – and one of my other “team mates” took a photo….that was the first….(By the way we won – the bloke judging said if I’d shaved my legs then he’d have dated me!)….

Unfortunately, Ben – the person with the camera was as hated by the school populous as myself (how did we end up in a team together…?)….and his camera was smashed – destroying the film :-(((

The photo I’m after dates from a few years later – when I was a member of (don’t laugh) the “Woodcraft Folk” – this very 60’s style movement was founded by someone who didn’t believe in separating boys and girls a’la Scouts/Guides. So – it was essentially the same – but was also a non-religous non-state group (so we didn’t pledge aligence to god and the Queen)….

Anyway, at one camp I was in a group – doing a “performance” of Stan Freeburg’s version of “Day-oh”. This we mimed to with a variety of instruments (okay, I was so nervous I barely mimed – more opened and close my mouth fish-wise). One of the girls (Claire I think) – suggested that some of us lads should wear skirts.

Unfortunately she approached each of us separately to say this and my first reaction was “NO WAY!” – I was terrified that she had sussed me….Anyway – she sort of said…”But x is doing it”. And in what must be the fastest turn around ever I changed my mind and agreed. And the photo I want to find – which used to hang on my wall is a group of people, standing by a (unlit) fire – with me as one of them.

And it’s dissapeared. Infact they’ve all dissapeared. And it makes me feel dreadfully sad – becuase I know the things I did in my youth as myself – shopping and whatever – and none of them are documented. There’s no photos of how I used to look when I was being myself – except this one. And no-one in my family knows where it is…. :-(

Anyway, to cheer myself up I’ll tell you about the “amusing” situation I managed to get myself into.

I decided that I’d clear up a bit – and I also decided that having 100 UKP of equipment sat on my floor, waiting for me to drop things on it – or kick it – wasn’t the best plan in the world – so I thought, “Hell, I’ll put it in, configure the SCSI card, and also swap the IDE cable for a UDMA66 capable cable” (although having done it I’m not sure that my motherboard does UDMA 66!).

Anyway, so I shut down, whipped the case off (again), stuck the drive in, swapped the cables (got the PC speaker working) re-routed the audio cables – with less than mm to spare)…and fired up…and went into windows – hoping it would do autodetect and thus tell me what my SCSI card was set to….

See, the card is jumpered (good, I can tell it exactly what to do), but I had only printed out a smallish chunk of the documentation at work (bad, it was on a CD-RW which I couldn’t read on the DVD drive in the PC). Howver, some of you may see where this is going….I couldn’t autodetect the card – and I couldn’t read the manual on how to configure it – because the only drive in the machine which can read the CD was the SCSI cd-writer. See where I’m going?

After a bit I thought “Ha ha! I can stick the old CD-Rom in and read it with that” however connecting it as a slave on the harddisk channel (the only bit of cable that would reach the drive) brought up a display from the BIOS somewhat like this:

ATAPI DEVICE: LKJHASD(*Y RBD &*W JKHCB UASGD*&AWYJBCZSkjb;

Which I felt was a “bad sign”. Eventually I removed the DVD and put the drive in as master – which seemed to work…

I have no idea why it wouldn’t work as slave on the primary IDE channel….but never mind.

The only odd thing is that my SCSI card used to display all the settings and exactly what it was doing when it was initalised. Now it doesn’t – and I can’t see how to configure this in the manual. Which is odd…..’cos I know what I changed and none of it was “Display useful info instead of a blank screen”….

Anyway it seems to work now – although I’m yet to set it up under linux…..which will actually be the first device I’ve added to Linux since setting it up…apart from my printer, which has moved (again) to this machine….

Leaving the music machine to just play music atm….

Right, I think it’s time for a cup of tea :)

And I am feeling a bit happier for that…..

—
Kate

Okay, just thought I’d natter….I woke up this morning desperately down, why? Because I felt so lonely – I just longed to roll over and give someone a good morning hug / kiss. It actually took me ages to get up, because I lay there feeling depressed that despite having sorted the rest of my life out I still always fall for those I cannot have. I’m sure that one day I’ll find someone. Well kind of sure. I think there’s a vague hope that oneday I might find someone. Perhaps. But at the moment, there’s no-one there and it hurts sometimes.

Anyway, having hauled myself out of bed, and done my mornings ablutions, I looked through my post….

It’s funny – after 22 years there’s not much left of “my” life. No bank details, no university details, not even car insurance! Sure, theres historical evidence, but…well. It just seems a bit odd – and it made me smile to think that I think apart from my driving licence (for which I need some photo’s, and so it’s waiting for a day when I feel I look female)…or at least until next week and my passport – which is waiting for me to do my driving licence…I have no ID for my male past, letters which arrive (unless they’re important and I’ve forgotten to tell someone) just get returned with “Not known at this Address” on….

It’s good. I’m finally me. It’s taken me 22 years to get here, so not the quickest becoming of self ever, but I’m here – and I’m pleased.

Anyway, I’m meant to be doing java, but I’m just doing one of those periodic “let’s put these documents away before they get lost” and “let’s put these somewhere sensible so I don’t stand on them” type things.

Oh, and – I’m resisting the urge to go and buy computer bits……although I’d very much love to….

Mmmm, 256Mb ram…Mmmmm, a big hdd and a P150 for playing music (with a nice shiney soundblaster)…

Oh, one cool thing I did do this morning. I was sat there thinking

 

“Arse, I’m going to have to make up a lead to go from”
[Nightstar, the DVD machine] “to” [Noachis-Terra, the P75 Music playing machine]
“and I bet I don’t have any connectors…or cable”But, in a fit of tidying I bunged two old speaker cables in the “Audio Cables” box, and lo, when I looked in there, there was a nice, shiny, (new!) stereo 3.5″ jack -> stereo 3.5″ jack connector – which is exactly what I’m after….

I have this word I feel the need to say, but I shouldn’t becuase it’s an awful word and I hate myself for saying it….oh, sod it…

Coolerama <g>

/me laffs and dissapears off to deal with the 8-million bits of paper she has lying around….

—
Kate

Well, I didn’t really feel up to work today…not at all. Since I was still tearful although I wasn’t out and out crying. I’m more and more convinced this is Hormonal. Oh well…

Anyway, I had a mildly productive day. I reinstalled linux 3 times on Noachis-Terra and that last time, just as my patience ran out it all worked! Printer, network card, graphics card….

Everything….

And lo, I did play some MP3’s, and lo I did find that you need the newer version of the kernel for the Avance Logic soundcard….as it suffers the same fate as the Cirrus Logic one in here….

Oh well, it was intended mainly as a printserver although it’s chronically slow at printing too!

Overall I think it beats my K6-2 400 to boot tho’ ‘cos the SCSI card in the K6-2 takes a while to reset and check for drives….and also I use kde2 <g>….

Anyway, yes. I’m feeling a lot more human today. Not happy, no-where near happy…but, well, better.

I just felt I ought to pass that on….

I really ought to do some java, but I’m just feeling shitey….so….

—
Kate

Well staying at home today may well have been the best thing I’ve done for a while. Just becuase I’m feeling a lot better, not like spectacular, not even “good”, but I’m feeling better, having coaxed Java to work (actually not that hard!) and equally having got Forte 4 Java to crawl along at some unbearably slow pace….and I thought it was bad under windows – although it does say in the readme:

“The Linux JVM is more resource-intensive, so Linux users may want to have a higher memory configuration.”

Which, err, isn’t brilliant, because I quite like Forte, despite it’s “quirky” behaviour, which lead me to swearing at it quite often. It’s just convenient. Although once I sort out nedit on here, and since the jdk is now in the path (yes I’ve been productive. I just couldn’t lie there being depressed for some reason)…I may change my mind.

Anyway, yes. So that’s cheered me up somewhat, although the waiting for this person to get back to me from a recruitment firm is not cheering me up…esp since it means I can’t be online. I know it’s sad, but I fancy some company atm, and the only company I’m able to get is that of my friends online – going to work would just make me feel far worse. Still, only 3 days left….

Which reminds me….

One Time Limited Offer Click on the image to enlarge. For a short period of time I have available one, yes only one (limited edition this is) PCW82560. Unfortunately I don’t know if it’s working, I’ve never encountered one before so I’m not sure if it should print any message to the screen when it’s switched on. It doesn’t tho’! There’s no software with it….it has a single 3″ diskdrive a Green Screen and 256K of ram.It’s going on a first come first to get basis, and is the cost of postage (although if anyone wants to offer me money for it <g>)…. Interested? I thought you might be…mail me at: Kate@acronym.freeuk.com

Okay, so I shouldn’t really use my diary to get rid of stuff, but I feel bad about throwing it away. Some people don’t even recognise the number so perhaps it’s an uncommon one….how should I know? It’s an Amstrad!

Oh, yes, I’m in the mood to comment on “Scary Movie” (Wow, Soap Opera, Free computer equipment, Diary and Movie reviews all in one….must be good!). Yes, so on sunday I went to see “Scary Movie”, now some of it would have been lost on me as I’ve never watched “Scream” – or indeed any of the Scream series of films….

But I know the idea behind them….and I’ve seen enough horror movies to get the majority of jokes. The problem I had with Scary Movie is that it felt like some fairly good set pieces linked by very, very flimsy links. There were good bits, not very good bits. But there were bits which made me laugh lots…unfortunately the word memorable does not spring to mind….(I can’t actually remember any of them!)

Some of the parodies of other films was quite good, particularly “The Usual Suspects”. But…well, it was underdeveloped as a film. It could have been so much better. It was also strongly american, which didn’t really help…. So overall? Well, 2 out of 5 I feel. It was watchable, but I wouldn’t watch it again….

Anyway, yes, so that’s that…

What else? Well, at the moment, becuase I’m feeling fairly miserable I’m getting tempted again. “Tempted?” you say. Yes. Tempted, tempted to go into london and spend money. Spend money on Music, Computers and maybe some decent clothes. All of which would be really, really bad. My car is in need of a service, I have no job and so would soon run out of money….but I really, really want to!

So. The other thing on my mind is fear. I know I can’t take 6 months of rejections from jobs, I know I can’t. It took me 6 months to get this job – and then I wasn’t appearing to be TS. Okay I was a mess mentally, but they didn’t know that – now I’m fixed mentally, but am TS. Wonderful.

If I don’t get a job in the near future I don’t quite know what I’m going to do – especially now they’ve removed my “run a small cinema” option. This was the Cinema in reading, on Friar Street, which they’re about to demolish in a heathen type act of vandalsim. This Cinema is a wonderful example of cinema architecture – and would make a fantastic small cinema, of the variety I’d quite fancy running – i.e. one which shows anime, sci-fi, art-house, etc. The films that aren’t so mainstream. And it’s right by a “suitable” bookshop….

But I don’t have the nerve, nor the money to do it. Why? well, the fear of it going bust and leaving me with no chance of SRS – because I’d need a loan for that and being declared bankrupt wouldn’t help with that. Also I have no idea how you run a cinema! To be honest I spend quite a lot of time persuading myself to not even try, which is sad, because they will demolish it, and it will be a terrible waste, and I will feel bad about not trying….

Anyway, I think I’ll logon, see if there’s any funky mail, and upload this….

—
Kate

I guess that answers that then. Can I do webdesign – no. Why? Well, I can’t have been that far out the door before the company I went to see sent of their “no, please fuck off and never come back” letter.

It wouldn’t have hurt so much except for the fact that aledgedly they’re interviewing for 2 more weeks. In which case I did so very, very badly that it wasn’t even worth waiting to compare me to someone else.

This obviously arrived at the perfect moment, with my mood being slightly in flux…and also all my post recenty has been name related which has I’ve enjoyed getting. The final thing which made it “unexpected” is that – well, he said interviews for two more weeks….so seeing a letter from Bath, well, I knew what it was even before I opened it.

And I knew I’d not been good enough to be an instant, “yes please”. But….I’ve not done this badly at interviews, not for a long time. So. What do I do now, now it appears that I’m beyond useless for one of my chosen careers.

Right now, I think I curl up for a bit, I feel useless and shit…

—
Kate

Well, I can’t believe it’s happened again…what? Merely a complete lack of enthusiasm for anything. I feel totally drained. I suspect this whole look cheery for work and pretend that I’m in a good mood is what does it…not that I’m actually in a bad mood you understand. Just tired of dealing with people who understand nothing and don’t try to understand anything….

Oh well….

And I had to go to sainsburys. On the plus side I did get a very nice white wine….which will do nicely for a few evenings mild boozing.

Y’know what the worst thing is tho’? I can’t even get the willpower to watch a film or read a book. Argh….. Oh well….

—
Kate

still cool.

**Typed up from hand written notes….made at work!**

Some days I just don’t have time for idiots! This is one of the reasons I don’t think my optimal job position is “support”!

Anyway, what’s been going on to bring me to this conclusion? Indeed that’s been going on generally? Well – as I said I’ve just had a job interview (friday) and a bit of interest on the job front today – particularly it seems on the sys-admin side – which is good news for me…..as being without a job for any great period of time could only be bad…!

So, getting these phone calls is doing my ego some good….even if it is sometimes “a little difficult” answering questions at work.

Anyway, on Sunday I had the pleasure of James’s company <g>. It’d been a while, or at least 2 weeks since I’d seen him – and we spent a (in my mind) enjoyable afternoon/evening wasting time and money (I was feeling a bit down (not very, but a bit) and decided that I’d stop the decline). Anyway – I finally got around to getting some Tangerine Dream (Le Parc), some Sleater-Kinney (Donna, I blame you whole heartedly for that one!<g>) and…thanks to @jakarta’s habit of mispricing goods when I go in there, a copy of Ghostbusters on DVD (for a mere 10UKP….much to the annoyance of the shop assistant who it would appear purchased it last week for 20UKP).

Anyway, our (James and mine) usual meander around Reading actually reveiled something nice! Yes! Seriously! We “found” (although I suspect that it would infact have been possible to merely ask someone had we known about it) a ruined abbey….right near the city centre….and, and – it might be suitable for some interesting photographs….

And, yes, there’s more….More I tell you! Yes….there’s a park. A really nice little park! And again, there’s some definate photo opportunity there….It must be said that this is the first time I’d seen it and I was impressed!

Anyway – and I was actually feeling quite creative yesterday which was kinda odd – as I’ve been well, so…..bored – to be honest that I’d not even remotely felt the urge to do anything. Unfortunately after a day of wandering around I felt so totally shattered that I just flaked out (more or less) when I got back….

One thing that happened on Sunday did make me wimper. Oh yes. I nearly screamed in pain….a person in Dixons (not a member of staff):

“Well, this one will definately be compatible, because we’ve got an HP computer at home”

No you haven’t. Not if I get my hands on it. You are clearly too stupid to own a computer and make purchasing decisions. It’s not that I object to people without knowledge of computers. It’s not like I’m the be-all and end all of information on the subject – but….at least I try and find out more. I don’t just make rash assumptions based on, well, a logo.

One thing I do wonder at this point is…if they break their keyboard (this person and his partner) – will they ring up HP or will their illusion be shattered by the fact that someone will sell them a generic keyboard…?

Never mind….

So, anyway, for whatever reason I came in today in a fairly good mood, but for some reason I’m just totally unable to tolerate idiots today…

Having to explain about the Resource Limit in windows to a “user” I could cope with – having to explain it to my boss? That’s just not right! (Won’t sticking more ram in help? No..no it won’t).

This followed rapidly by “lack of initative” by Chris….Okay, now he doesn’t have my knowledge or practical experience, but this one, this one he should have at least tried known solutions to rather than ring me up, and…what’s more ringing me on the “other” phone (i.e. the one in the server room) becuase the phone in our office was engaged. How am I meant to answer it if I’m on the phone?? >/rant<

I was soooo tempted just to shout “Use some initiative” – I mean, what is he going to do when I’m not there to answer the questions?

Never mind, perhaps it’s just me being a big spikey stress ball…or maybe I’m getting PMT. Hmmm, this is a thought which has only just occured to me (litterally as I write!)

Well that’s something to ponder….

Anyway I should get the letter to Brian written, since it’s been waiting for months….and….well…

What I need, what I really need is a laptop with a modem, so I can update from whereever I am….(okay laptop, modem, and modem which connects to evil-ultra-cr*p-mobile-phone).

I also need a whopping great payrise….

Anyway, I said I’d stop. So I will…

—
Kate

Yup; still cool.