Arse. Arse, arse, arse. Someone pointed out to me yesterday that one of my previous entrys (the one for the 23rd September) could be read in entirely a way I didn’t intend. It just goes to show how stupid I can be when I’m in a good mood – because once they’d said it I could see it – it was blindingly obvious.
And I really didn’t mean it that way. Not at all….infact I was sat in tears talking to Martin ‘cos I fear that I may have irreprably damaged the relationship I have with some of my closest friends.
So, here, with Martin’s help is what I was trying to say. And I’d like to thank the person who told me, who also took the time to sit and talk to me as I started to think “oh my god what have I done”….
What I wanted to say was that…I am finally myself, I don’t put on an act anymore – people like me – not the act….
What I was trying to say with the bit about my university friends is much harder to explain. That is that – they got to know me when I put on this act – they didn’t (back then) have to put up with my neurotic, low self esteem, self-depracating behaviour. Now they do – and that speaks wonders for them – because not only do they put up with that – they put up with the fact I decieved them like everyone else for years….And yes, I have an emense guilt complex about that. I wish I’d come right out and told everyone.
What I’m amazed at is the fact people seem like me without me having to hide these bits about myself – the fact that I fall apart at regular intervals, and that I get depressed and all the things that I really don’t like about myself.
I’m worried because I may be digging myself into a bigger hole, but as I’ve often said I’m not very good at expressing myself – not that I don’t try – but that what I want to say I can’t explain.
I hope this explains what I want to say. I hope I’ve not made it worse, see the first bit I went over with Martin, but at the time I couldn’t work out how to explain the second bit at all…
I think I’ve done a better job than last time….I’m really sorry if I insulted anyone with that entry – I didn’t mean that at all…. :(
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Kate
