26 Mar 2000, 22:04.48

Comments Off on 26 Mar 2000, 22:04.48

Just a quick update…

I was thinking – what do I want from life? The answer…

I want a job in which I’m happy, I want to be able to come home at night (to my own house), and curl up on the sofa with either the SO, or a friend, with a glass of wine, and watch a film. I want to laugh, and I want to go out with friends, I want to have fun….

I miss all that, I miss the company. I was going to watch “The Usual Suspects” on TV, depite the c**p reception, but alone? I just can’t face it.

I want to sit down and read a book, with the lights low on a nice comfy sofa, and just be me – without worrying about the neighbours, without feeling presurised.

The other thing in this update, there is one thing which is getting to me – my mum’s continuous referal to my clothes as girls clothes…”are they girls boots?” “did you buy any girls clothes?”. They’re not girls clothes they’re MY clothes….

I shouldn’t complain; they’re doing much better than a lot of other parents. But I still need to get out

Anyway. Enough of my miserable rambling




26 Mar 2000, 18:36.01

After such a good day yesterday, how can I possibly be down? Well, the problem with good days is that they have the ability to show you just how bad the rest of your life is.

I’ve suddenly been reminded what a social animal I am at heart, yes I’m fairly shy initally (no where near as bad as I used to be), and yes, I’m not brilliant at small talk (at least not until I know people) – but essentially I like being around other people – and I’m not.

At the moment I spend all my time alone, yes, theoretically I can be me at home, and I am sometimes, but it’s just too restrictive, I still feel like I am constrained by the four walls of my room. I can’t just wander about (because my parents are worried about me being seen by other people from the village. I realise that they’re going to see me eventually, but I’m not going to push – they’ve been very good so far).

Anyway; as I say, I’m a social creature and I’m being denied the ability to be social – I’d been so taken up in my problems; first it was getting a job, then being TS, now that I’ve got a job, and I’ve accepted myself, and I know what I want to do it’s allowed me to see that a very important part of my life is completely empty.

Not only that but, on the issues of being TS, I feel somehow that I’ve opened the flood gates – hopeing to be able to control the flow, but they’ve just been pushed open and I’ve got no hope of controlling it. I spent half of last night trying to work out if I can afford to see Russell Reid, which I know I can’t but I desparately wish I could….

I keep telling myself maybe, after the car’s been serviced, but I know that’s going to cost more than I expect….

On something heading towards a positive front I’m hoping to pull Kato’s and Kate’s page into one site, which should keep me occupied at least. Probably a whole new style (still mostly black), and a lot of updated content. Well, a new bio, and a future page, so….we’ll see whether the enthusiasm strikes me or not….


<align=”left”>Take me out tonight
where there’s music and there’s people
who are young and alive
I never never want to go home
because I haven’t got one
take me out tonight
becuase I want to see people and I
want to see lights
oh please don’t drop me home
because it’s not my home it’s their
home, and I’m welcome no more…


The Smiths, There is a Light that Never Goes Out

Anyway; best be off…




Kate's allegedly a human (although increasingly right-wing bigots would say otherwise). She's definitely not a vampire, despite what some other people claim. She's also mostly built out of spite and overcoming oppositional-sexism, racism, and other random bullshit. So she's either a human or a lizard in disguise sent to destroy all of humanity. Either way, she's here to reassure that it's all fine.