This is the second attempt at writing this. For some unknown reason my mood has been something like a yo-yo this weekend. I’ve been up and down more often than I can count. I’ll be fine for an hour or two, then I’ll plunge into depression, then an hour later I’ll be fine.
There are so many reasons for this that I don’t really know where to begin; I think that the main one is lonelyness though. I really need to get out. I don’t understand how James lives alone anymore, I just can’t hack it – I’ve been alone for 2 days and I’ve just desparately wanted to talk to someone the whole time. I’ve watched 3 films, four if you include friday – just anything to take my mind off the silence. I have a fan on at night just to cover up the silence.
Another issue is that I’m desparate to start hormones, real hormones, not herbal ones. Why? Because I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life getting to this point, that I want to grasp my future with both hands and run towards it. But instead I’m stuck. I’m just watching time pass me by…
I had an odd realisation a few days ago. Now I’ve known this (becuase it’s obvious) for ages – but it suddenly hit me. There are only 52 weekends in a year. This is distinctly scary – because I’m working things get put off until the weekend, and then they get pushed to the next weekend…and suddenly you’re in April and you’ve still done nothing. What bearing does this have on my depressed status? Well. Simply that I’m watching the same thing happen here. Oh: I’ll go and see Russell Reid next week, when my bank account looks healthier. Or the week after, or the week after that. Perhaps the time has come to make an appointment with my destiny and actually do something.
On another topic, my girlfriend asked me what I wanted from life, so here’s my current list of desires in no particular order. No order whatsoever, except that which they came from my head in….approximately.
What do I want from life?
- Someone to love me
- Someone to share my up’s and downs, who doesn’t mind that I can be a bit of a slob (clothes wise), and a lot of a techie.
- A house, preferable like this one.
- Probably a or two children…adopted, but not for a long time…
- To be physcially female and accepted as such
- To run my own company, probably doing web-design
- To go walking in the Lake District and in Scotland
- To do more photography
- To love someone who loves me back
- To be more confident
- To be comfortable in myself
- To meet elastica and say something intelligent this time
- To live in the South
- To have friends nearby]
- To have a social life
- To go to the pub/clubs/cinema/theatre more, and with friends.
- To feel loved
- Alternative to web-design: own a cinema showing classics/art house/sci-fi – preferably one built before the 60’s
- To be me
- To learn to cook well enough that I don’t need a cook book
- To be able to service my car myself
- To repair Rebecca (my Morris Minor)
- To sit on a beach in Sri Lanka as myself (this kills two needs, one is to sit on a beach as myself, the other is to re-visit sri lanka)
- To visit at least: Australia, France, Germany, Ireland (N+S), America and Russia. Preferably a lot more places.
- To learn to speak Russian and German (and French)
- To be better at expressing myself
- To never have to tick the [M] box on another form
- To do a degree I’m proud of.
- To let myself cry at the end of films
- To exercise and be more healthy *and flatten my stomach*
- To learn to program properly
- To get linux onto that bloody 486
- To be somewhere near as attractive as my sister…
- To stop being so stressed, and getting stressed so easily
- To be liked for who I am
- To have a huge F-off bathroom with a sunken bath and about a million candles.
- To go shopping without getting odd looks
- To not have to shave my face
- To go out to dinner in a _really_ posh restaurant – and look sexy and sultry in an evening gown.
- To go on the oblivion at alton towers and not try to scream
- To stop feeling inferior to everyone
- To stop feeling a failure
I should say I don’t always feel quite so bad. In fact sometimes I’m quite cheery. But I’m not right now, and as I say; this is what’s in my brain…
Kate
