Category: General

I’m feeling a lot better; which is odd, because yesterday Trey dropped a semi-bombshell; Or at least, Trey presented the possibility of the bombshell being dropped. The possibility of her not being here; which sucks; because we’re working towards friends, in fact, we are friends, but do want time to get comfortable in that.

But we’ve been talking a lot more, watching some Xena, playing Phase 10 which I was given for Xmas. I’ve started to make slow progress on my dissertation. When I’ve finished my coffee me, myself and I are going to head to university. Oh, and to the bank. Well, the post office.

Just for a laugh a bunch of payments I thought’d already gone out left my account today and yesterday wandering me past my overdraft limit. Which is a punk-ass-bitch thing of them to do; actually. Here I was feeling all smug, because I actually had enough to pay my loan payment without going overdrawn. And uh. *fzat* I’m overdrawn. Which is frustrating and a lesson in ‘pay in xmas money before spending it’.

Still.

I still feel better.

I’ve been and joined a bunch of communities on LJ – all around Canada and Vancouver and Lesbianness; someone there pointed me at this forum which is dead handy like; and just for shits and giggles I took the Canadian Skilled Worker Test; once I’ve got a years experience then I should be pretty much scoring a passmark. I get 64 now, if I brush up on my french too… Enough to take a written / reading test, that’d be good. I should perhaps do that anyway.

There’s something else for me to do.

I’m vaguely wondering if I’ve actually got relies in Canada; because my Grandparents went over there a while back, and in general they go places where there are family. So, hrm, more to think about.

I don’t feel good, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I feel ‘better’; still rather fragile, but hell it’s so much better than I have been feeling. Of course, when Trey says she’s moving away, this feeling may well vaporise in a cloud of ‘oh-shit’; but for the time being, her being here gives me something to distract from a life that could easily be just me and a PC.

Oh, and I’ve been practicing my guitar, but I may actually have to take a day off today, because my fingers are acutally still sore from the 45 minutes yesterday (an hour the day before…). Which’d be annoying. If I do, I’ll probably sit there and make chord shapes without pressing or something (yeah, like that’ll last). It’s great, because I can actually hear myself progressing each day.

…and the phone’s pseudo attached to the wall* (finally off the top of the PC case from whence it frequently got kicked); the AK numberplate is up, the monitor’s top now looks like a veritable menagerie of animals; the reindeer conveniently located to poop it’s multicoloured jelly-belly poo into the user’s hands, my plectrums blue-tac’d to the top too; as is the ice-lamp; I need to get…my cup of tea… hang on.

I’ve hoovered, moved the draws in the office (you can actually open them, they used to hit the bookcase, now the gap under the desk for legs is smaller, but I’ve actually been able to tidy them up; well; cram more stuff in them (especially some of the several million staples I now appear to own. I’m suspecting I’ll never need to buy staples again) and chuck some stuff away).

I’ve got my Moose Mug perched on the desk, my Scrabble-lettered name thing on top of the monitor, along with my slinky spring; my headphones hanging from my lamp. All of this makes my office feel more like my office.

Trey’s removed a bunch of stuff from my room, which makes my room look odd. It’s back like it was when I moved in; only I’ve gained the Tall-boy. Which wasn’t there when I moved in. That, that is weird. I’m trying to settle into the new dynamic with Trey, having spent a lot of time talking (and silenting, and crying) last night. It’s moved us forward. Or at least, it’s moved me forward. I’ve still got questions for her… which I need to ask… but.

Anyway. The room’s looking so much better, indeed there’s actually now enough room to put my dissertation stuff on the desk, which I will have to do shortly. I’ve also finally got around to free-cycling the scanner that doesn’t work with XP. I’ve been swimming too, which made me feel a fuck-sight more human. I was pondering nipping out to Horfield and seeing if they’ve got any really tatty used floorboards around. I was going to do the frame for my (5′ x 3′ ish Sleeper / It Girl )poster with modern boards, but just had this brilliant idea involving ratty old ones instead. I’ve got fed up off it falling down.

I’ve been prodding at Vancouver, trying to get an idea of what it’s like. I’ve joined a bunch of communities too, try to get more of a feel for stuff. Mmmm. Thinking a lot, constantly. Some things are good, some are bad, some are really bad. But generally hanging together a lot better today than I was after I stopped being ultra-positive during people staying here. I still feel incredibly fragile; like I might shatter at any time. I’m strongly considering going to see my councellor again, because I’ve had a lot of shit thrown at me in the last few months, and yeah, it might be a good idea to try and get my head back on straight.

Oh, and I’ve had a bit of a read of Curve Magazine. The music section’s pointed me at some great stuff :-)

*It’s actually hooked on one screw, and bluetacked at the bottom to the top of *my* desk which is leaning against the wall between the desk that came with the house and the wall.

I’ve been out to the supermarket, so there’s now some level of food in the house; woot. I eat tonight! (And I had yummy salad for lunch, aided by the live lettice Sainsburys have started doing. Yes, it’s way more expensive than an ordinary lettice, but it’s also less likely to go off before I manage to eat it; it’s also much nicer).

And I’ve done some (albeit not much) work. Not really feeling so good today. Really. Generally. Bad. Actually. And then; yes, there’s more, I’ve also spent an hour practicing the guitar. Today I actually made vaguely musical noises that weren’t the first 3 chords of Laid. I can now play a scale all up at the end of the guitar, which is funky, and also means that I can make vaguely musical noises. Which I did do :-) So Ra. My guitar rocks.

Well, yes, it’s the new year; 2006 and all that. Normally at this time of year I’m wont to do a bit of a look back at what’s changed in my life in the last year, but frankly, 2005 despite starting on a high note has been the shittiest year for, well, I think my entire life; and really the concept of looking back on it really doesn’t fill me with joy; but here, here’s a short one:

Good Stuff:
– Fell in Love
– Entered Pride
– Learned to Swim
– Bought a Guitar
– Visiting Alaska, meeting new friends

Bad Stuff:
– My dad died
– My mum’s become depressed
– Pulled out of Pride
– Got dumped
– Car’s (original) engine died
– Haven’t felt able to work for a while

Yeah, so that’s 2005 in a nutshell. Despite some incredible highs, thinking about 2005 is still so raw that it actually makes me want to cry. Which is how I feel a lot of the time at the moment anyway; distraction is the only thing that’s keeping me sane. That and my new guitar hobby. Not that my mum knows, because it’s money I quite definately shouldn’t have spent.

Anyway, 2006 is to be different. I’m going to start looking at Canada, see if it really is the place I think it is, and where I want to be. I hope it is. I’m going to finish my degree, the first stage of that is actually getting on with my work, which I’ll be doing in a bit. I also need to practice my guitar more. I keep hearing songs I really want to learn to play.

The Canada thing, I’d like to take the opportunity to visit Kara (et al) at the same time, being as Alaska’s closer to Canada than it is to here; and I reckon that the cost of that looks to be a bit over a grand. Which is going to be a bit hard to save up.

I also really need to look and decide where I want to live in Canada. Ack. I don’t know anything much about Canada; not in the physical reality sense. Which is a bit of an interesting thing for a place I’m seriously considering upping sticks and moving to.

Yeah.

Anyway, enough rambly stuff. I had an excellent NYE / NYD, with Chrissy, Lauren, Trey, Nikki, Kate, James and John here; we spent most of the evening playing games, although I have to admit to being the world’s worst Mau master; which is a shame, because it’s a great game. I think also, people were a bit tired for Mau, I’d forgotten how much it is observation when you start out.

But Things went down very well; and Robo Rally was played, and other games. Oooh, it’s all a bit blurry. That’ll be the Alcohol then (Tequila and Dr Pepper / Vodka and Dr Pepper). Aye. Multiple games of Munchkin, Fluxx yeah. All good. Definately. Watched The Manchurian Candidate (the remake) which turned out to be really good… Meh. Generally a good time was had. So yeah.

It’s still weird, Trey being here. I missed her loads, but trying to form a new…relationship dynamic… so soon is hard. It’s really hard. Yeah. But it’s very good to have her back here; I missed her a lot.

For some reason I am phenominally tired. Completely exhausted. I know I was playing about on my guitar last night, and we went swimming for the first time in *ages* yesterday, but still. I am *so* tired. Unbelievably so.

I have this urge to go kip, and if I wasn’t getting up at 2:30 to go pick Trey up from the Airport then I would. But I am, so I need to stay awake until say 2130 and then head bedwards.

Foosh.

I’ve spent about an hour practicing today. I got a tuner earlier and the guitar was tuned way sharp – mind I’d fiddled with the tuning since yesterday. They were all similarly sharp though, so it was roughly in tune with itself. Having done that I’ve been playing various things from my guitar tutor book; I want to get Nikki round to check I’m holding things all right and whatever, and I think she’d like to try my guitar out.

It sounds alright to me, sufficently like a guitar. Doesn’t explain my tiredness though.

Meh.

And in other news, today hasn’t been a good day inside my head. That is all.

…a sentance to one person can be incredibly positive. And to another can be incredibly negative.

So, yesterday I bought that guitar – as I’ve previously mentioned – went swimming – toured shops – got Trey pressies and… it snowed!

And I bounced round like a maniac, caught snow on my tongue, skipped down the street, and drove my little moggy through snow flurries. As I pulled into the house I noticed the snow easing off, but there was a thin layer on the ground…

…and then it stopped. And all melted :(

But, on the plus side, I played a badly tuned scale of C on my guitar before I headed to bed last night, and if you don’t think that rocks, then… well… screw you. I’m happy :-)

In fact, I just righteously rock my own little world.

…one of these. Why would I need one of them? Weeellll. See, I might also have bought one of these…. I might not have, and that might not be a guitar behind me, and an amp. Yes.

Tomorrow I’m going to buy a tuner because I just tonight learned that I am incapable of tuning a guitar from…well.. using the traditional tuning bottom E and working from that. Yeah. I suck. But I don’t care, ‘cos I’ve got a shiny red guitar.