Category: General

Today’s Bunny could have been done just for me.

Falling Sand Game – hosted by Chirag Mehta @ chir.ag

I found this.

I’ve been doing it instead of working. It’s kind of mesmerising. I just fiddle with it and then leave it running for a while, go back and…it’s all changed.

Today is not a good day, perhaps because yesterday had a good finish. I dunno. But I feel like crap. I’m allowed to feel like crap, I understand that. But I don’t *want* to feel like crap. And I do.

I’m sorry this journal’s been so whiney of late. I know it has. I feel like it should be happier. But I can’t. I just feel like I’ve lost myself. I’m looking forward to seeing the councellor next week – which will just be a ‘I need to make an appointment for some more sessions’ thing. I hope the woman I saw before’s still there. But at the moment I’m back feeling like I shouldn’t have bothered to get up. Which is why I need to go see someone and talk about this. Too much crap in one year. Too much. Perhaps other people have better coping mechanisms, but frankly I don’t give a fuck. It’s me we’re talking about here; and I need some support.

It’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because I felt like I’d got so far when I saw her last time; and now I feel like I’m back in the place I was before. Okay, different reasons, and I think I’m justified in not really coping. I did learn a lot the last time round, and I’m a lot more accepting of myself, and of how I’m feeling, and I’m not so scared. But I still just feel like crying the whole time, and I just… I need to be together at the moment. I’m not going to make my work my life. It doesn’t work that way. And I’m not going to do the whole completely reliant on friends and whatever thing, because that sucks.

So. This is me dealing with it: Councelling. Give me a few weeks, okay? Put up with me for that long, and I’ll start doing better. Stressed but better. ‘s a promise. Ish.

Incidentally. People *should* be able to comment now. I’m not sure if it’s working though.

Is it wrong that I feel more like doodling on the (very dull) cover of my new diary, or debating possible names for my Lemon Tree than I feel like writing a 2000 word reflective assignment on the interprofessional working experience?

My early adopter DC01 Dyson vacuum cleaner which works just fine, that *can’t* work on 110V. In fact, it’s pretty specific; 220-240V at 50Hz.

My 1950s Hoover Junior, complete with cloth dustbag; that will work just fine on anything from 100-250V, and it cares not about AC or DC.

Feh.

So, another day another, well, hell, I’ve got up. That’s a good start.

I’ve eaten breakfast. I’m going to wander off and have a shower.

Aye.

Yes.

It’s funny, y’know; this whole planning to go abroad. See, I’ve got a lot of crap. No, seriously, a lot. There’s things that I want to take – and some of those things are pretty big; my car, my motorbike, my bed, my piano. They all have to go. And for sheer quantity; my books.

There is the slow, dawning realisation that although I will miss some of my furniture, I’m better off getting shot of it and buying new stuff over when I arrive. Although there are some things (like my dining chairs) that are quite definately coming with me. And maybe my table. And the green (nee orange) bookcase my dad built (not staggeringly attractive, but it’s been around since my parents were very poor).
(more…)

I’m still stressed, y’know. But it’s past the *ARGHARGHARGH* phase, and into the *Uh hu, and now what do I do* phase. I need to go into uni and sort out Journals and re-doing the BLS CD-ROM (frustrating as it is) especially since I’ll have to pay for printing, I think, but I’m stuck on phase one of the day – ringing my placement. The guy’s been busy all morning and now the phone’s engaged [still engaged].
(more…)

…for me feeling so at home and comfortable in Alaska. [clicky clicky]

…I’m wondering what possessed me to want to write a fracking Dissertation. What’s so good about a dissertation anyway?

Jeeze.

I *know* it’s important, I *know* that the area I’m looking at is important, but right at this fracking moment, I feel sick as a dog and I’ve got 398 really iffy words that I’m not exactly 100% happy with of a 1000 word segment that should be piss easy to write. I can’t find the words, I can’t get into it, I just feel sick and tired and stressed. I can’t take time off because I can’t afford it. At least I’ve rung my placement, but I’ve not yet spoken to the chap I need to speak to.

Why did I do this to myself? I had a nice high paying job in a nice safe cuddly IT environment. Yes, I was miserable, but I was highly paid and miserable; I wasn’t stressed-to-fuck and tired and really wanting to scream and cry. And for the first time in ages my horrid Stress Related Disorder reared it’s ugly head and I got to spend a happy 30 minutes in the bathroom. Now is like the *worst* point in my life to be single, because right now I just need cuddles and a hot cup of something and… just to be looked after while I try to get my head in gear.

Anyone want to write a dissertation on Gay and Lesbian Patient Experience? I can’t even find 8 fracking *papers* on the subject. I keep looking at my calendar now daubed in highlighter in a fit of ‘maybe if I can look at it I can plan things’ but right about now, it’s all a bit scary. Very scary.

Normally stress gets me going, gets me into a space in my head where I can work, but at the moment (to quote a film) “Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.” Which seems pretty apt.

So, If I didn’t have enough stress, I should have now; my calendar’s lit up like an Xmas tree as I’ve stuck on the various deadlines. I’ve managed to find my ID card, thankfully, because I need it to get something from the library, which… I’ve already done (it’s a CD-Rom that I need to do for monday) but have now lost the results of.

I also found that one paper I wanted, I’ve actually got already just under a different title from a different journal. My placement, which I presumed started on monday appears to possibly start on Sunday (and I’ve realised I’ve got an appointment that week with the nurse, at lunch time. Ideal; or not).

And, uh, yeah, the heating’s not been fixed. I forgot to post my mum’s letter. And everything I’ve tried to do today has been far more stressful than is reasonable.

Worst thing of all is knowing that all this stress could have been avoided if I’d been more organised and spent less time feeling sorry for myself and depressed. Oh, and I didn’t get to see the councellor while I was flying around like some kind of insane insect; so I’ll have to ring and make an appointment. Hopefully I can get my first set of shifts, and then get an appointment that ties in with that. Which would be good.