Mostly lemon based

Category: General

  • 17 May 2000, 22:40.26.

    Well, the moon is shining after yet another day, and I feel slightly more positive than I have for a while. Not like leaping about/ happy woo-hoo kind of positive, but definately more positive.

    I just had a quick chat with a Nikki – and I voiced a statement which passes through my mind fairly frequesntly:

     

    “I sometimes feel like I’m sprinting towards it and at other times I just don’t”
    By which I mean that I know my destiny – I know where I want, no, need to get to – and I know that if I can stay the course then I will get there. Sometimes I have faith in myself to achive it and it feels like I’m moving swiftly towards my goal. But sometimes, and it’s felt like this for the past few days – I’ve felt like I was getting no-where. I was just pushing a rock up-hill and overall getting no-where fast.

    This feeling drags me down into depression – but it’s odd because the depression never seems to last the night. Even last night when I felt like complete sh*t, and was on the virge of tears for most of the evening – I still got up this morning feeling happy, although I spent most of the night desparate as I literally couldn’t sleep. I reckon I got somewhere between 6 and 7 half-hour bursts of sleep – with each interupted by me waking up for no good reason.

    That meant that I’ve lived the whole day on caffinne and hence am off to bed now…..

    g’night….or at least a better one.

    Kate.

  • Post entry_109

    17 May 2000, 22:40.26.

    Well, the moon is shining after yet another day, and I feel slightly more positive than I have for a while. Not like leaping about/ happy woo-hoo kind of positive, but definately more positive.

    I just had a quick chat with a Nikki – and I voiced a statement which passes through my mind fairly frequesntly:

    “I sometimes feel like I’m sprinting towards it and at other times I just don’t”

    By which I mean that I know my destiny – I know where I want, no, need to get to – and I know that if I can stay the course then I will get there. Sometimes I have faith in myself to achive it and it feels like I’m moving swiftly towards my goal. But sometimes, and it’s felt like this for the past few days – I’ve felt like I was getting no-where. I was just pushing a rock up-hill and overall getting no-where fast.

    This feeling drags me down into depression – but it’s odd because the depression never seems to last the night. Even last night when I felt like complete sh*t, and was on the virge of tears for most of the evening – I still got up this morning feeling happy, although I spent most of the night desparate as I literally couldn’t sleep. I reckon I got somewhere between 6 and 7 half-hour bursts of sleep – with each interupted by me waking up for no good reason.

    That meant that I’ve lived the whole day on caffinne and hence am off to bed now…..

    g’night….or at least a better one.

    Kate.

  • 16 May 2000, 20:33.40.

    I don’t know whether it’s the hormones, or whether it’s just me, but my mood today has been like a yo-yo. I started this morning on an emense high for no really good reason, then I got a letter from RR which made me even happier. Then I went to work, and had a fairly average day – by the end of which my good mood was definately fading.

    But it was mearly lagging – then I got home – and it had turned cold – which was a pain in the arse because I needed to change the alternator (or at least remove mine in preparation for replacing it tomorrow.

    Now, having got the first bolt undone I looked at the Haynes manual, and the “photo” and realised that as per usual their grasp on reality was somewhat slim. Either that or maybe they just made it up.

    For whatever reason my alternator which looked like their photo was mounted by two quite rusty looking bolds – however since the first bolt had looked rusty I attempted to get these free.

    Now unlike the alternators I’ve seen before this one required 4 bolts to be undone – not exactly the simplest mounting ever – indeed it’s the worst I’ve ever seen. Having not even managed to succeed in getting a spanner onto the really badly placed bolts (and having forced the alternator down (using a spanner) – this is meant to tilt?????

    Anyway – my dad came out and had a hack and after about 10 minutes we had a socket on there – applying the huge amount of force it took to move it and then snap – off came the head. It had (approx 50%) rusted through.

    So now, my “car” which was going to be used to take me on holiday is going to have to go into the garage for about the rest of eternity. And I can’t afford to go on holiday – a holiday I really, really needed. Lots.

    So I’m miserable as fu*k again. Indeed I just want to curl up in bed and cry; my car which I was dead proud of has eaten an entire months salary and still isn’t roadworthy. Not only that but I can’t even guarantee that after this it will be – there’s still a variety of other repairs to do.

    I don’t know when it’s gonna stop; it feels like the money’s just going to keep pouring out indefinately.

    Kate.

    who’s going to sit on mirc and feel sorry for herself.

  • Post entry_108

    16 May 2000, 20:33.40.

    I don’t know whether it’s the hormones, or whether it’s just me, but my mood today has been like a yo-yo. I started this morning on an emense high for no really good reason, then I got a letter from RR which made me even happier. Then I went to work, and had a fairly average day – by the end of which my good mood was definately fading.

    But it was mearly lagging – then I got home – and it had turned cold – which was a pain in the arse because I needed to change the alternator (or at least remove mine in preparation for replacing it tomorrow.

    Now, having got the first bolt undone I looked at the Haynes manual, and the “photo” and realised that as per usual their grasp on reality was somewhat slim. Either that or maybe they just made it up.

    For whatever reason my alternator which looked like their photo was mounted by two quite rusty looking bolds – however since the first bolt had looked rusty I attempted to get these free.

    Now unlike the alternators I’ve seen before this one required 4 bolts to be undone – not exactly the simplest mounting ever – indeed it’s the worst I’ve ever seen. Having not even managed to succeed in getting a spanner onto the really badly placed bolts (and having forced the alternator down (using a spanner) – this is meant to tilt?????

    Anyway – my dad came out and had a hack and after about 10 minutes we had a socket on there – applying the huge amount of force it took to move it and then snap – off came the head. It had (approx 50%) rusted through.

    So now, my “car” which was going to be used to take me on holiday is going to have to go into the garage for about the rest of eternity. And I can’t afford to go on holiday – a holiday I really, really needed. Lots.

    So I’m miserable as fu*k again. Indeed I just want to curl up in bed and cry; my car which I was dead proud of has eaten an entire months salary and still isn’t roadworthy. Not only that but I can’t even guarantee that after this it will be – there’s still a variety of other repairs to do.

    I don’t know when it’s gonna stop; it feels like the money’s just going to keep pouring out indefinately.

    Kate.

    who’s going to sit on mirc and feel sorry for herself.

  • Post entry_107

    15 May 2000, 23:00.42

    Well, let’s just say I feel down shall we.

    Yet again I’ve slowly slid down into a feeling of complete depression….why? Well lots of small things.

    This weekend was meant to be kinda relaxing in that I arranged to see a friend and do some cooking (which I though’d be a laugh and would allow me not to concentrate on being TS which seems to happen far to much, and also would take my mind of splitting up with Hannah, and the saga of my car). I also took monday off so that I could repair my car (being as I was under the impression that once, just once an order might arrive the day I was told it would.

    All of which I’d classify as “good things”. However it didn’t really turn out quite right.

    Saturday was lousy. Or possibly beyond lousy. Why? Because I had to do “boy mode” for the whole day. Explain: I started re-building the porch last year in an attempt to help my parents, however time constraints and wood shortage ment that it was periodically put on hold. However the last few bits of wood were purchased on the basis that my ability to look male for the village would decrease rapidly over time and thus we need to finish it soon. However as I stood there sanding a piece of wood I could feel myself becoming more and more depressed.

    Then Hannah rang – and we had a row (which is quite impressive for a non-couple) about the fact I had decieded to go out on Sunday – but I don’t think she reaslised just how desparate I was.

    That basically was my Saturday.

    Sunday, well sunday in many respects went well. The only problem (apart from the near disasterous desert I produced (edible)), was that being called by male pronouns really began to bug me this weekend. Indeed I really find it hard now. Which is unfortunate because I know James tries really hard, and I don’t expect him, or anyone else to get it right all of the time but on top of what happened today it just make me feel more lousy.

    I mean I can understand how hard it is – I get the pronouns mixed up, I get them mixed for myself as well sometimes, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

    So, we move onto Monday. Hannah came down, this was stressful. She also managed to use male pronouns (3 times), I had an argument with my mother about wanting to move out, she used male pronouns.

    I went to get my car parts, they had arrived. One was incorrect – meaning my car is _still_ off the road, the other may be incorrect (1 in 3 possibility – as the fuel pump is “type a” and there are two other types…however just to make it more fun you can’t tell which type it is until you take the bloody thing off).

    Oh, and I got my first rejection from my new jobsearch (which is depressing at the best of times). “Your exprience does not match our requirements”. Have they considered PUTTING they’re requirements somewhere so I could tell??????.

    Sh*t, I hate being this low. I feel like I should be happy – I’ve got so much going for me, and here I am moping around.

    I think I’ll go and stare at the ceiling a bit more now.

    Kate.

  • 11 May 2000, 19:35.21

     

    Fnarf – how many things can go wrong with one car? Just how many? Arrrghhhh! I think it’s trying to distract me from my split up. I mean – so far we’ve had a service, which included a gearbox link, a new fuel pump (which doesn’t arrive ’til monday), new temperature sender (if I can get one), and now the alternators decided it’s going to die….

    Fnar!

    Apart from that I spent most of the day doing a job a trained monkey could do – converting a text file into nice HTML – made worse by the fact it was a text file from a pdf – and had lot’s of italics & bolds which needed to be reinstated.

    However – at least it was web-design (even if kinda tedious)….I also managed to help someone do something – and I also learned that people are incapable of reading the Help files. They’re one of the few actually good things about Windows, so why don’t they use them?????

    That really bugs me.

    And then I want to teach them how to use any piece of WP software, but they are taught how to use word and that’s all – Arrgh!

    The problem today is I’m mostly just plain fed up. I now have no money, and my plans for this weekend have rather gone to pot – because I daren’t take my car anywhere where it’s not _got_ to go.

    Hopefully they’ll have a alternator in stock for my car – but it’a pain in the arse and it means I can’t go jogging tomorrow am…..because I’ve got to go and find out if they have the alternator – so I can spend tomorrow trying to fit it.

    Argh!

    still, I just had a nice conversation with my ex….

    And apparently the ‘mones are starting to kick in (I’m hungry _all_ the time!)

    Well, we’ll see…

    LOL

    Kate

  • Post entry_106

    11 May 2000, 19:35.21

    Fnarf – how many things can go wrong with one car? Just how many? Arrrghhhh! I think it’s trying to distract me from my split up. I mean – so far we’ve had a service, which included a gearbox link, a new fuel pump (which doesn’t arrive ’til monday), new temperature sender (if I can get one), and now the alternators decided it’s going to die….

    Fnar!

    Apart from that I spent most of the day doing a job a trained monkey could do – converting a text file into nice HTML – made worse by the fact it was a text file from a pdf – and had lot’s of italics & bolds which needed to be reinstated.

    However – at least it was web-design (even if kinda tedious)….I also managed to help someone do something – and I also learned that people are incapable of reading the Help files. They’re one of the few actually good things about Windows, so why don’t they use them?????

    That really bugs me.

    And then I want to teach them how to use any piece of WP software, but they are taught how to use word and that’s all – Arrgh!

    The problem today is I’m mostly just plain fed up. I now have no money, and my plans for this weekend have rather gone to pot – because I daren’t take my car anywhere where it’s not _got_ to go.

    Hopefully they’ll have a alternator in stock for my car – but it’a pain in the arse and it means I can’t go jogging tomorrow am…..because I’ve got to go and find out if they have the alternator – so I can spend tomorrow trying to fit it.

    Argh!

    still, I just had a nice conversation with my ex….

    And apparently the ‘mones are starting to kick in (I’m hungry _all_ the time!)

    Well, we’ll see…

    LOL

    Kate

  • 10 May 2000, 22:29.32.

    Well, the new site’s uploaded – I’m still feeling rather down…but not as bad – I think that may be the effect of the Estrogen!

    Anyway, Nina attempted to kill me yesterday – having just had £183 spent on a service (+ bits)….the intermittent cutting out thing was being a real problem – as in I didn’t get to work, I took the car back to the garage and they (who it must be said were excellent) – they spent the entire day looking at the car and were very honest when they said “we have no idea; nothing is actually wrong”……

    So I have to put up with the fact my car may choose to up and die on me on the motorway…..until (hopefully) monday when the new fuel pump arrives, which might fix the problem.

    I’ve then got more expense as there’s loads of “minor” jobs which also need doing! Arrgggh!

    I had loads more to write, but the mood has just left me – I’m too tired as I’ve spent the entire evening making this site work exactly the way it should!….

    So I think I deserve a break, and some sleep.

    And I’m not really in the mood….

    G’night

    Kate….

  • Post entry_105

    10 May 2000, 22:29.32.

    Well, the new site’s uploaded – I’m still feeling rather down…but not as bad – I think that may be the effect of the Estrogen!

    Anyway, Nina attempted to kill me yesterday – having just had £183 spent on a service (+ bits)….the intermittent cutting out thing was being a real problem – as in I didn’t get to work, I took the car back to the garage and they (who it must be said were excellent) – they spent the entire day looking at the car and were very honest when they said “we have no idea; nothing is actually wrong”……

    So I have to put up with the fact my car may choose to up and die on me on the motorway…..until (hopefully) monday when the new fuel pump arrives, which might fix the problem.

    I’ve then got more expense as there’s loads of “minor” jobs which also need doing! Arrgggh!

    I had loads more to write, but the mood has just left me – I’m too tired as I’ve spent the entire evening making this site work exactly the way it should!….

    So I think I deserve a break, and some sleep.

    And I’m not really in the mood….

    G’night

    Kate….

  • 07 May 2000, 01:22.23

    It’s amazing; the capacity I have for not thinking about things which are upsetting me. What is the problem? I’ve got my ‘mones, I’ve got a letter saying I’m TS, I’ve got a job I like (though I have to leave it but…) and I’ve got parents who love and support me.

    What did I miss out? Well, I’ve lost my girlfreind. By a mutual decision we have called it quits. Too different. Why did I say about not thinking about things? Becuase I sat online talking techie, and not thinking about the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, the tears just sitting behind my eyes, putting off the inevitable. And here it is.

    I’m miserable. Absolutely miserable.

    And to top it off the discussion on IRC started to sound like my old flat in Uni, which I miss dreadfully, most of the time it’s not too bad – indeed in general I don’t think about it – but adding that on – well that’s really made my day.

    It’s funny – when I was in London yesterday (and I only just remembered this) I thought to myself – “this is all going very well for me, I wonder what disasters I should be preparing for” – which was kind of a light hearted sarcastic thought about the fact that whenever I’m happy something goes wrong to compensate.

    Well, here it is. Here’s my disaster.

    I think it’s the best thing to do – but that doesn’t make it any easier. And what makes it worse is Han doesn’t know if she want’s me as her friend anymore – which scarily is what I thought would happen – and that makes it doubly hard.

    Anyway, I’m going to curl up in my bed now.

    ‘night

    Kate