Mostly lemon based

Category: General

  • Post entry_132

    18 Jun 2000, 00:44.35.

    Well that was fun.

    I’ve just been blamed for my sister getting her exzima back (or however the fuck it’s spelt) (stress). And for the impending desturction of my family. And been told that I should quit my job rather than screw it up for my sister – and then asked why I don’t talk to my mother.

    I don’t think I’ve ever felt as alone, and unloved as I do right now. I just wish I could die and save my family all their fucking embaressment – which appears to be what I am.

    For 21 years I didn’t do anything to screw up their happy little existance, but now I need they’re help and this is what I get. I know they’ve been really good so far, but this is too much for me….so it’s my fault is it. SO I CHOSE THIS DID I?

    I desparetly want to go. I want to disappear, but I’ve got no-where to go. I’ve got no-one to see, no-one.

    So I sit here alone and cry. And cry….

    I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to be away from here. Away from this blame. I don’t know how to cope. I just cry.

    I need people – and I’m alone.

    Kate.

  • 17 Jun 2000, 09:55.07.

    Wow, morning! *g*

    Major up….major down….dealing with them in order. I hadn’t been coping with work this week (as I said), and Nikki suggested that I “take friday off” and go shopping with her and Kelly (evil person that she is). And I was feeling absolutely lousy, and the more I thought about it the happier it made me!

    So….come the morning I knew that I had to go with Nikki, there was no way I’d manage a full day’s work….so I did. This possibly wasn’t the best plan as it involved ringing in sick, which, it must be said this is the first time I’ve abused that. But tbh I was sick in a way. Sick in the sense that having me breakdown at work, or at least appear at work having cried all the way in would not look good. So, having rationalised that, I popped on my purple shiney nail polish, got dressed, and met Nikki. This time reaching her house by the non-senic route. *g*

    And we headed off into London using the dreaded Train….which actually was fine yesterday (a first for public transport!). Yes, so….anyway, we went in & pausing briefly to eat junkfood (Yay!) met up with Kelly, who, it must be said – looked so much happier – with a big grin on her face….

    After some geeking (Forbidden Planet) – we trundeled down Oxford Street, and Carnaby Street….

    Shopping – good for the soul!

    Yes, we shopped….well, they more shopped than me, because I’ve got to get some sunglasses and my car to pay for….and so on….so I was planning to maybe get a long skirt, or somesuch, but nooooo. Oh noooo. The Evil One, sorry – I mean, Nikki took us to a shop (in which I’m convinced she has a part share, or is a member of the profit sharing scheme)……

    Y’see when I went to see her last I tried on this fantastic dress – chinese, gorgeous, mmmmm….and this is the shop she got it from. And, erm, I got one. Yes. So. Moving on….Kelly was also ensnared by the dresses and got one for herself, and a leather jacket. The dress costing -£50, unlike mine which was +£50…..

    How come? Because she is good at bartering and turned the £200 total into £150! I dunno…some people. So, anyway. from now on Kelly’s going to have to buy all my stuff for me ;)

    Yes, so we limped around Tower Records; The Evil One repeating her trick – and sending me out with a CD I’ve been after for ages (the soundtrack to “Different For Girls”) but had actually started to believe was unavailable (it doesn’t list it at the end of the film and absoloutley no-one had it in their database…however it does exist (Oceandeep Records, OCD010). And now I have it, and can play bits of it very loud!

    Anyway, yes, we trundled/limped/staggered back to Kelly’s (I’m not used to exercise you see – and by the end of the day my foot was killing me!). Tried on the day’s purchases and “modelled” them to the sound of the camera’s click! So, we wait with baited breath for the photos :).

    Eventually, as darkness fell, we headed back (stopping for more junkfood!) and eventually got back home – where I sadly had to leave Nikki (to her parents)….

    And headed home. Feeling more and more miserable on the way.

    And now, Im miserable, although whenever I talk to people I perk up….which is good – since Rachie’s just come on IRC :) as has Kate K and Sarah Lou…..Yay….I’m off to talk to them.

    And moan at my computer supplier – if they ever answer they’re damn phone!

    Byeeee.

  • Post entry_131

    17 Jun 2000, 09:55.07.

    Wow, morning! *g*

    Major up….major down….dealing with them in order. I hadn’t been coping with work this week (as I said), and Nikki suggested that I “take friday off” and go shopping with her and Kelly (evil person that she is). And I was feeling absolutely lousy, and the more I thought about it the happier it made me!

    So….come the morning I knew that I had to go with Nikki, there was no way I’d manage a full day’s work….so I did. This possibly wasn’t the best plan as it involved ringing in sick, which, it must be said this is the first time I’ve abused that. But tbh I was sick in a way. Sick in the sense that having me breakdown at work, or at least appear at work having cried all the way in would not look good. So, having rationalised that, I popped on my purple shiney nail polish, got dressed, and met Nikki. This time reaching her house by the non-senic route. *g*

    And we headed off into London using the dreaded Train….which actually was fine yesterday (a first for public transport!). Yes, so….anyway, we went in & pausing briefly to eat junkfood (Yay!) met up with Kelly, who, it must be said – looked so much happier – with a big grin on her face….

    After some geeking (Forbidden Planet) – we trundeled down Oxford Street, and Carnaby Street….

    Shopping – good for the soul!

    Yes, we shopped….well, they more shopped than me, because I’ve got to get some sunglasses and my car to pay for….and so on….so I was planning to maybe get a long skirt, or somesuch, but nooooo. Oh noooo. The Evil One, sorry – I mean, Nikki took us to a shop (in which I’m convinced she has a part share, or is a member of the profit sharing scheme)……

    Y’see when I went to see her last I tried on this fantastic dress – chinese, gorgeous, mmmmm….and this is the shop she got it from. And, erm, I got one. Yes. So. Moving on….Kelly was also ensnared by the dresses and got one for herself, and a leather jacket. The dress costing -£50, unlike mine which was +£50…..

    How come? Because she is good at bartering and turned the £200 total into £150! I dunno…some people. So, anyway. from now on Kelly’s going to have to buy all my stuff for me ;)

    Yes, so we limped around Tower Records; The Evil One repeating her trick – and sending me out with a CD I’ve been after for ages (the soundtrack to “Different For Girls”) but had actually started to believe was unavailable (it doesn’t list it at the end of the film and absoloutley no-one had it in their database…however it does exist (Oceandeep Records, OCD010). And now I have it, and can play bits of it very loud!

    Anyway, yes, we trundled/limped/staggered back to Kelly’s (I’m not used to exercise you see – and by the end of the day my foot was killing me!). Tried on the day’s purchases and “modelled” them to the sound of the camera’s click! So, we wait with baited breath for the photos :).

    Eventually, as darkness fell, we headed back (stopping for more junkfood!) and eventually got back home – where I sadly had to leave Nikki (to her parents)….

    And headed home. Feeling more and more miserable on the way.

    And now, Im miserable, although whenever I talk to people I perk up….which is good – since Rachie’s just come on IRC :) as has Kate K and Sarah Lou…..Yay….I’m off to talk to them.

    And moan at my computer supplier – if they ever answer they’re damn phone!

    Byeeee.

  • 15 Jun 2000, 23:24.56.

    Well, I thought it was time to write about something….the stuff which is going on in my mind.

    However it’s difficult to say when it’ll be uploaded – because the PC has just been (temporarily) upgraded to Windows 98, first edition. Why? Because having spent many moons getting the perfect setup of 95 it all went rather pear shaped – and I had to reinstall the OS. But being a K6-II and me being lazy (beyond the normal cause of duty) – I went the 98 path….oh dear.

    Anyway, onto what;s been going on. Well, lets say that my life is becoming a struggle, every morning is a fight to get the will power to make it in. It’s really a struggle even to get up at the moment.

    Although I think I’ve won over that one….by the simple step wandering around in my dressing gown until ten minutes before I need to go, at which point I pull on the clothes….

    However I’m npt sure how long I can do this – it’s getting seriously stressful, to the point that I am frequently depressed beyond belief by the time I get to work. To the point where I’m nearly in tears driving. This is obviously not the good. Infact I’ve actually decided that the only thing to do is to skip off tomorrow (it was suggested to me) – sick, as I simply cannot cope this week.

    Although I’m not at all sure that the being myself will do anything but make it worse.

    Now, Kira’s suggested that I should transtition at my current work place, and I would – but for my sister. I would be willing to give it a shot, girls, staff, Tony….all of this I’m willing to try and overcome, but to screw up my sisters life as well if it goes wrong. Well that’s just too much to do.

    Although I’d dearly love to – simply because it means that when I move on I get a reference in the right name, and no-one has to know I was ever male….which as far as I’m concerned would be wonderful.

    Kira also claims that I look fine, which I don’t believe, at least most of the time. But sometimes I look in the mirror and I definately see a female – which makes me feel much, much happier.

    Anyway, one thing that did make me laugh was the Alice cartoon today, particularly the last frame (below)…..

    Anyway….

    I’m off….g’night.

    Kate

  • Post entry_130

    15 Jun 2000, 23:24.56.

    Well, I thought it was time to write about something….the stuff which is going on in my mind.

    However it’s difficult to say when it’ll be uploaded – because the PC has just been (temporarily) upgraded to Windows 98, first edition. Why? Because having spent many moons getting the perfect setup of 95 it all went rather pear shaped – and I had to reinstall the OS. But being a K6-II and me being lazy (beyond the normal cause of duty) – I went the 98 path….oh dear.

    Anyway, onto what;s been going on. Well, lets say that my life is becoming a struggle, every morning is a fight to get the will power to make it in. It’s really a struggle even to get up at the moment.

    Although I think I’ve won over that one….by the simple step wandering around in my dressing gown until ten minutes before I need to go, at which point I pull on the clothes….

    However I’m npt sure how long I can do this – it’s getting seriously stressful, to the point that I am frequently depressed beyond belief by the time I get to work. To the point where I’m nearly in tears driving. This is obviously not the good. Infact I’ve actually decided that the only thing to do is to skip off tomorrow (it was suggested to me) – sick, as I simply cannot cope this week.

    Although I’m not at all sure that the being myself will do anything but make it worse.

    Now, Kira’s suggested that I should transtition at my current work place, and I would – but for my sister. I would be willing to give it a shot, girls, staff, Tony….all of this I’m willing to try and overcome, but to screw up my sisters life as well if it goes wrong. Well that’s just too much to do.

    Although I’d dearly love to – simply because it means that when I move on I get a reference in the right name, and no-one has to know I was ever male….which as far as I’m concerned would be wonderful.

    Kira also claims that I look fine, which I don’t believe, at least most of the time. But sometimes I look in the mirror and I definately see a female – which makes me feel much, much happier.

    Anyway, one thing that did make me laugh was the Alice cartoon today, particularly the last frame (below)…..

    Anyway….

    I’m off….g’night.

    Kate

  • Post entry_129

    13 Jun 2000, 23:13.40

    The stress is definately getting to me. I can tell this because I’m screaming at things. This is never a good sign, and what caused it was a simple issue. Me wasting 113 pounds because f*cking Pioneer were to f*cking lazy to respond to any of my mails.

    And one wasn’t sent through the pile of cr*p that is red hot ant, so I actually believe it should have arrived.

    Now, wasting 100 UKP isn’t good. But wasting for no good reason, when you couldn’t really afford it is worse. I’m hoping that the company in question will take the drive I bought back – but if not, then I’m stuck with a new DVD drive which I can’t afford – and which hasn’t fixed the problem.

    What is the problem? That my DVD’s corrupt the screen, then crash the software when playing. Why did I think it was the drive? Because it started with a specific kind of disk, then spread, like a virus, to all my disks, which suggested that the drive itself was dying.

    This doesn’t explain why I’m screaming tho’

    It’s stress, and the stress of pouring this money away just sent me over the edge……I can’t afford it anyway. Why the f*ck was I so stupid?

    Why was I stressed already?

    Because I can’t cope with living 2 existances, I can’t cope with lying to people about who I am, I want to be me – all of the time.

    It takes me over an hour to get dressed in the mornings now. That is insane – but I simply don’t want to go anymore. I just want to cry atm, I want to be me – I know who I am; it took me 21 years to get to that stage, I don’t want to waste any more time.

    Oh god…..I’ve had enough……

    I just don’t want to do this anymore.

    kate.

  • 03 Jun 2000, 16:23.52

    Wow, it’s June already. What’s it doing being June? Gah. It shouldn’t have finished february yet!

    Anyway, Ouch I hurt.

    Yes, so, what have I been up to for the past 5 days….well, more than usual. The first thing I fancy wittering about is my visit to the Linux Expo in London….why, because it makes me grin. Why, apart from me being a sad lonely techie? Well, first of all, I went as me – which was something I wanted to do – and I wasnae terribly nervous. But even better than that was my badge which proclaimed “Ms Kate Elliott”. I’ve been showing that off to people – ith a kind of “look I exist” kind of theme…..

    Yes, thre was one thing that marred the Linux show. No MUGS! Can you believe it???? I mean, a computer show with no Mugs. Well, that’s not quite accurate I saw 3 heavily guarded mugs – and there were aldegdely mugs there yesterday – but I mean, what’s the point of going to a show if you don’t get a mug?

    I did however get 4 distributions of Linux thust at me (and bought at a mild discount the SuSE Linux 6.4 Distrib which I’ve wanted for ages *g*. And I also got some groovy stickers, stress objects (cube, globe and penguin) and also I got a DUST PUPPPY!!!! YAY!!!!. Also somewhere in all the crap is a signed Illiad card. At least I hope it’s in here somewhere…..

    But the main good thing about yesterday was that I finally got to meet various people who I’ve been speaking to online for a while – which was just really, really good….hey. real people! Cool!

    Then, after the show – I went to the pub with Catherine (apologies for being late, again!) – and that has got to be the best evening I’ve had for a while. Just sat and chatted – in a pub…..no odd looks (at least none that I noticed)….

    Yes, the main bad thing about yesterday was that I got the comment: “You’re a good man” from someone. I’ve got breasts. Maybe they’#re small, but they are there….Grr! Actually I nearly cried when she said it – it almost ruined my entire day – but then I thought about what a good day I’d had. And that after a few more months it’ll happen much less. So. And then I thought about something that someone who shall remain nameless did at the Linux show, and I nearly laughed out loud :)

    Yes, now then there’s the issue of the car – which scared the life out of me today; it’s now dead to the point of instead of a gentle drop in speed it’s cough:stop.

    4 breakdowns in approx 20 miles. Twice in really, really bad places. Fear lend you strength they say – and it’s true. Today – despite the fact I’ve done my shoulders in at the show – I managed to push a 1.4 litre golf, once uphill, and once up onto a bank – to get me out of the way of oncoming traffic.

    I was impressed…..even thought the second time about just pushing the damn thing home.

    Anyway, the problem is that it can’t be fixed, or even go to the gge until Tuesday, and even then I don’t get a courtesy car. Argh!

    Oh, well, at least we think we know what’s wrong…..

    I did think about getting another car, but we won’t go into that!

    The only other thing is these ‘mones – which I think (atm at least) seem to agree with my brain – and my body. I’m feeling much happier, and grinning innanely at the fact that my body’s changing….so….*g* That’s why I need a new job tho’ since I’m not transitioning where I work, but if I don’t move soon then my body may take that decision away from me *huge grins*!

    Anyway, I think that’s enough for today…..I should be doing some job related thing I expect….

    TTFN

    Kate.

  • 10 Jun 2000, 13:11.29.

    Eeep. Mood swings….

    Yesterday I was meant to go to this meal thing with other members of staff (for one of their birthdays. However it being work I’d have had to go as male, and I knew I simply couldn’t hack that. But I’d said I would go!

    For the first time ever the fact I get ill when I’m really stressed helped me….I managed to make myself feel (and look) so ill that my colleagues agreed that I probably shouldn’t go. Which was a godsend – because after today I know I simply wouldn’t have coped.

    What has happened today? I honestly don’t know. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m verging on tears. It’s insane.

    I was going to go and look for some sunglasses today (prescription, as I can’t see otherwise!). But I just couldn’t hack the “excuse me sir, but the majority of mens glasses are over there” line which I got last time I went in.

    Instead I ended up spending far too much money on CD’s, and some books – in an attempt to give me something to do today. Unfortunately it’s not worked because I can’t concentrate at all.

    The mood swings just make it impossible. And I have no idea what to do to deal with them! Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to cope – but right now that’s pretty hard.

    Kate….

  • Post entry_128

    10 Jun 2000, 13:11.29.

    Eeep. Mood swings….

    Yesterday I was meant to go to this meal thing with other members of staff (for one of their birthdays. However it being work I’d have had to go as male, and I knew I simply couldn’t hack that. But I’d said I would go!

    For the first time ever the fact I get ill when I’m really stressed helped me….I managed to make myself feel (and look) so ill that my colleagues agreed that I probably shouldn’t go. Which was a godsend – because after today I know I simply wouldn’t have coped.

    What has happened today? I honestly don’t know. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m verging on tears. It’s insane.

    I was going to go and look for some sunglasses today (prescription, as I can’t see otherwise!). But I just couldn’t hack the “excuse me sir, but the majority of mens glasses are over there” line which I got last time I went in.

    Instead I ended up spending far too much money on CD’s, and some books – in an attempt to give me something to do today. Unfortunately it’s not worked because I can’t concentrate at all.

    The mood swings just make it impossible. And I have no idea what to do to deal with them! Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to cope – but right now that’s pretty hard.

    Kate….

  • 08 Jun 2000, 19:46.20

    Well, sometimes I fear that I use computers too much…..there I was grabbing some desert…and I went for the spoon….unfortunately my dad’s doing some decorating and the spoon wasn’t in the draw, infact the draw wasn’t there….

    Now I located the spoon after mere seconds of looking – but as I munched on my apple pie I entertained myself with considering my spoon locating problem in terms of arrays, variables and some error messages that could have been returned had I not been better written…..

    Okay, now I feel really sad. Perhaps I should delete that last bit…… ;-)

    Yes, so, anyway this is just a kind of quick update – it’s simply here to say that the mood swings seem to have departed (more or less), I’m just deadly bored at work – and I mean deadly bored. I’m also having to wander around cross-armed because certain parts of my anatomy are over sensative. I mean! I’m already wearing a tee-shirt under my shirt (the shirt is just too corse), but this is boody silly.

    Of course it’s put a huge grin on my face….and people are probably wondering why I sometimes just start grinning!.

    Anyway, yes, I’m in the process of writing a job app for another postition – which infact it turns out I applied for last time it came up – and didn’t get an interview. As is is, I’m determined that this time I will get an interview. Dammit I’m good. Not brilliant, but a fast learner and I’ve got lots of experience.

    The one downer is the realisation that my server won’t be running X. Why? Because it only just meets the base SuSE requirements memory wise…..even if I nick memory out of my 486 it’d still not have enough – well, actually it might, but then the 486 would have to boot over the network (indeed it’d become a thin client…..)

    Anyhow I’ve got this lousy meal tomorrow, why lousy? Because it’s with work – so thats “male”, and it costs money when I really can’t afford it. What with my car – which is hopefully going to be okay after tomorrow…..and the possible hint of the merest possibility of me considering getting a house…..and the server (I really, really need to get good with Linux again) well, I could do without this meal. I wouldn’t mind so much if I could go, but having to masqurade as male really does my head in.

    Still…..get to see Nikki on Sunday which should be cool!

    So, time for the off….anyway.

    Lot’s of love….

    Kate