It’s amazing; the capacity I have for not thinking about things which are upsetting me. What is the problem? I’ve got my ‘mones, I’ve got a letter saying I’m TS, I’ve got a job I like (though I have to leave it but…) and I’ve got parents who love and support me.
What did I miss out? Well, I’ve lost my girlfreind. By a mutual decision we have called it quits. Too different. Why did I say about not thinking about things? Becuase I sat online talking techie, and not thinking about the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, the tears just sitting behind my eyes, putting off the inevitable. And here it is.
I’m miserable. Absolutely miserable.
And to top it off the discussion on IRC started to sound like my old flat in Uni, which I miss dreadfully, most of the time it’s not too bad – indeed in general I don’t think about it – but adding that on – well that’s really made my day.
It’s funny – when I was in London yesterday (and I only just remembered this) I thought to myself – “this is all going very well for me, I wonder what disasters I should be preparing for” – which was kind of a light hearted sarcastic thought about the fact that whenever I’m happy something goes wrong to compensate.
Well, here it is. Here’s my disaster.
I think it’s the best thing to do – but that doesn’t make it any easier. And what makes it worse is Han doesn’t know if she want’s me as her friend anymore – which scarily is what I thought would happen – and that makes it doubly hard.
Anyway, I’m going to curl up in my bed now.
‘night
Kate
