Mostly lemon based

Category: General

  • Post 20011112

    12/11/01, 09:12

    I’m so scared of losing my dad. I know I need to be positive, but it’s so hard knowing what I do. I love my dad so very much and losing him just after I finally let both my parents back in….

    I keep telling myself he’s not going to die – but the cancer is so bad. I always thought I had years left. I couldn’t imagine a world without them, and now I’m having to. It feels very selfish to say about me when it’s him that’s ill.

    But I know I’m not just thinking about me.

    12/11/01, 19:24

    Well, today seemed to be going quite well until a little while ago when it became apparent that the infection which caused me to have to come home with a catheter has decided to have another go at me.

    I’ve actually been quite up and about today – but this has actually forced me to take some painkillers (coproximol) – which are making me very woozy – and my GP has prescribed some Trimethoprim – to try and kill the infection….we just caught him at the surgery…..

    So I’m drinking gallons of water and trying to relax because ot the moment my entire body is tense……

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011111

    11/11/01, 19:49

    Well, my energy appears to be returning from wherever it’s been hiding – albeit a little at a time. I’ve actually been at least a bit active today and I don’t feel absolutely shattered! That said my current definiton of active is somewhat less energy consuming than it was pre-op, and I did spend a good proportion of the morning asleep…..

    But – I did go and help my dad move the mog about a bit – in preparation for it being taken away for restoration….which entertained me for a good hour or so.

    And I went for a wander around the garden….the problem with winter is that if you’re in the wrong mood you get this terrible death and despair feeling – which with the stuff about my dad – well, it’s not good for my state of mind. But anyway…..

    So, this evening I finally went through and did my e-mails – and found that – I guess unsuprisingly – the RSI is still there. I could just feel it when I stopped….. *sigh*. I’m not entirely sure what to do with my life – I’d always kinda presumed, well, for a long time I’d presumed that it’d be computer related – but not being able to type….well, that’s kinda screwed that up. I’m not really sure what else I can do, and that scares me slightly. I get the feeling that the shop idea is off. I don’t really know if I should bring up the subject atm….ah well, I guess I’m back to the old “Go with the flow” advice :-)

    Oh, and…..I’ve got more elastica winging it’s way to me…..the sessions album….*grin*

    11/11/01, 22:06

    Between them, Betadine and Kotex must be having a field day! Betadine gel, Betadine pessaries, Betadine douche…..and more Kotex than you can imagine. Incidentally, the Betadine pessary’s applicator is frigging hopeless….

    And I’ve got another 7 weeks of this! Well, 5 weeks of this plus a couple of weeks of this plus work (but by then I should actually be moderately healthy again (although it implies that healing takes about 4 months)…..

    When I can actually decide when I want to go to the loo, that’ll be a good day……

    Hrm, it’s lonely in this bed…..missing human touch….. :-(

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011108

    08/11/01, 09:18

    Well, the catheter is out. I’m just waiting for a while before hopping out of bed – feeling a bit sore y’see…..Listening to elastica to kill time!

    08/11/01, 13:25

    Oh god. For once I thought something was going right. But no. I’m unable to urinate. It’s fucking agonising when I try. Anyone want to watch it turn to shit?

    [crying]

    08/11/01, 15:07

    Why? Why does the world always do this to me? Raise my hopes then dash them? I thought that this one thing would go smoothly. This one thing I wanted would go right. But no. It seems I can’t even have this.

    The nurse said “You’re not too swollen” but it appears she was wrong. I’m too swollen to pass any urine and after an agonising couple of hours they decided there was nothing for it but to put the catheter back in. So. Here I lie with a bunch of pain killers in me and a fresh catheter which I’ll have to go home with – meaning another week of lousy sleep and pain and discomfort and more hating of being me.

    They said “It’s horrible, but it’s about a 50/50 split of those who need one to those who don’t”. But I only know one other TS who’s needed one.

    I’d been looking forward to this so much – to being free – if sore – and having a good start to this chunk of my life. As usual it’s been taken away from me.

    08/11/01, 15:53

    [crying]

    God it’s depressing. After a morning without the catheter to have it back. It feels like a huge step back. It hurts. I hurt. The catheter hurts. I hate being me. I hate everything always being fucked up at the last minute. What did I do to deserve being me.

    Will it ever stop – will things ever go right? Or will I always have this happen?

    [crying]

    08/11/01, 16:12

    I don’t know what the painkillers were, but they’ve not touched the pain.

    08/11/01, 16:58.

    Oh goddess, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore.

    I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.

    The painkillers have done nothing. I have a burning sensation in my ureter. I hurt, I hurt. Oh goddess I hurt.

    08/11/01, 23:03.

    Well – a big thanks and an improbably large number of hugs to kira, Rachel and Lauren for helping me today. I felt so alone and lonely earlier but they’ve managed to make me feel only utterly miserable instead of totally depressed.

    Today I’ve had codidramol and voltarol, neither of which seemed to do anything. I’ve just been given tamodol (I think) which I’m hoping will at least allow me to get one nights rest….

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011107

    07/11/01, 07:24

    Well, I’ve managed to plan my evenings viewing so that I should have something to watch while dilating…which is important, because it is incredibly dull…just sat there holding a lump of perspex inside you…

    Interestingly the dilators are made to “Charring Cross pattern”. Ironic that since the NHS told me where I could stick any chance of treatment ;-/

    Anyway, so, there’s bugger all on tv until 5o’clock, which is annoying but I guess I’ve still got my magazines……..well a few of them. Oooh, I think breakfast night be here soon.

    For some reason I’m incredibly tired this morning….I don’t think I slept very well. It’s possible, I suppose, that I should have some painkillers before going to bed – but I don’t like taking them because my pain level is low; it’s just rather nagging. At the moment it feels like I have muscle fatigue from a constantly tense muscle.

    Incidentally a thought about having the pack removed. For me it felt like someone pulling a plaster off my insides….

    Mmm, so, yes…

    Definately not something I’ve got any desire to repeat! What else? Oh aye, hopefully the catheter comes out today which is something to look forward to – sort of….

    07/11/01, 11:45

    I cried today for myself. I cried for all the pain, I cried for all the wasted time and the lies. I cried because I never asked to be TS.

    I cried because it was and is unfair that I had to put my body through this just so I can live in it. But at least I think it’s nearly done and I can get on with my life.

    Which is why I was also crying with a sort of happiness. I hope I have the ability to move on.

    07/11/01, 13:07

    Oh my god! I just saw a kids tv program – a la postman pat…with a whole sequence about a mobile phone…it’s not right!

    07/11/01, 22:40

    [Suzanne Vega – Solitude Standing]

    I feel oddly quiet this evening – although the friends I’ve been rambling at (Cheers Jenny & Lauren :-) tonight might disagree – contemplative. I suppose that after so long knowing what I wanted – to finally have it is bound to leave me feeling quite odd.

    I feel like I finally have my own body (there seems to be a storm going on outside btw). Never before has this body felt like mine. It’s always felt alien, not right at some fundamental level and that feeling has just disappeared. It’s gone completely! (Although I’ll grant that there are bits of me I can’t actually feel atm – hopefully I’ll get some sensation there eventually).

    I’m also rather nervously awaiting the removal of the catheter – hoping that that all goes to plan…..I’m still terrified that something is going to go horribly wrong – and hoping that it won’t.

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011106

    06/11/01, 05:22

    Well, the diarhoea continues unabated. Indeed, since I’ve actually eaten there’s more of it….so that’s sod all sleep for me and my muscles are completely fatigued from holding my arse up in the air. Still – as the nurse said – it’ll be better tomorrow.

    06/11/01, 15:21

    Well, it’s been all go today! Although last night was less than fun – food + diarhoea is not a combination that leads to a good nights rest.

    Anyway, so Mr Royle popped by and removed the pack this morning – that was a whole bundle of no fun. The actual removal of the pack wasn’t too much of a problem – it was uncomfortable, but definately bearable with the Entenox…it was cutting the stitches which hurt like hell – so much so that the nurses heard my scream (there was only one) and Mike actually had a go at me!

    “Oh come on, I’ve not done anything yet.”

    Despite a strong desire to shout at him a lot I resisted. Anyway – once that was over and done with we moved onto not being in bed anymore….so I managed to get out of bed and over into the chair with a small amount of assistance….having sat there for a while I did try for the loo….the journey there was okay but I ended up rather woozy and had a bit of a lie down.

    Anyway – had me bath which was Lovely! Then had a look in the mirror which was inexplicably wonderful. It was like seeing my body for the first time…..wow…..

    Anyway – tomorrow is catheter out day which should be fantastic.

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011105

    05/11/01, 11:32

    ARGH! I’M HUNGRY!

    HUNGRY, HUNGRY, HUNGRY. I want to go to Pizza Express, or the Mexican place up the road, or the burger shop (oh god I want a kebab sooo much), anything! Even a McDonalds would do right now. Just some fooooooood! Gaaaaargh.

    05/11/01, 20:48

    Foooood!

    Well, okay, that was earlier, but hey, I was busy eating!

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011103

    03/11/01, 06:58

    Hrm, it appears there’s been some “leakage” during the night so a new bandage is in order. I’ve also been rather overheated as well which has made me feel rather icky.

    And finally in my catalogue of misery I’ve got awful wind….mind you that’s put me off eating which is handy.

    I still appear to have roughly the concentration span of a goldfish however – which is rather annoying. And the drains are irritating me….still, they’re coming out today.

    03/11/01, 07:55

    Gah, today is already dragging..

    It’s odd getting sensations from things you know aren’t where they once were and feeling that you know roughly where they are but not really knowing.

    I’m alternately being driven nuts by wind, the catheter & the pack atm. The drains being constant background irritation….

    03/11/01, 09:57

    Sometimes the world is wonderful….[Monty Python – Penis song]

    03/11/01, 11:59

    Oh jesus….had the drains out….that’s got to be the weirdest and certainly the least pleasant experience of my life so far.

    Imagine if you will a snake under your skin. Now imagine someone pulling it out. Slightly dragging, distinctly painful…I might have been slightly high on Entenox (or however it’s spelt) but it’s still painful. I did manage to resist letting loose with a stream of swear words but only just!

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011102

    02/11/01, 05:52

    I’m starting to grasp what the comments about feeling like a lolly-on-a-stick were about….. Anyway, so in the end i had a second dose of morphine ‘cos otherwise I’d really have not got any sleep at all – it’s just above my able to cope threshold.

    One thing that is driving me insane is the fact I’ve run out of water but can’t reach the sodding “call an assistant” bell, so I think I’m going to have to call a nurse. I tried swiping for it with a bottle of lime but it wasn’t having any of it….

    02/11/01, 06:36

    ’ve got to lift yourself up from the ground

    #’cos it’s a strange world dragging you down

    Although, “She’s a good girl” is probably a more appropriate choice.. I’ve realised why the iPAQ has such problems with some of my writing – it’s ‘cos I’m a very lazy writer. A lot of my letters are formed from a single unidirectional stroke (for example my r is drawn from the bottom up which seems to result in either an i or a n). Aah well.

    Anyway, Mike Royle’s going to be popping in at about 8ish I’m told….and I’ve started to doze off again so I’m going to stop writing in a bit.

    Currently there’s this enormous sense of anticipation – which I probably should try to loose – I don’t want to end up feeling disappointed – although knowing that my body is actually the way I think it should be for the first time in 23 years…..vell that’s hard not to be excited about!

    02/11/01, 10:50

    One down (drip), 3 to go…

    02/11/01, 14:40

    Well, I’ve been sat up somewhat which has helped enormously with my back [#My mission drive, to open my eyes to all the shite you say]. They still seem fairly unwilling to give me much in the way of effective painkillers.

    Possibly because all they can give me is morphine which I don’t want. As kira said it makes me go away – not the pain. It also seem likely that my drip “tissued” which has not helped my left arm.

    On the other hand [#Laugh when he jokes, him when he chokes] it has at least been taken out which is good. It appears that I’m drinking enough…..thankfully!

    Mr Royle seems happy with my progress – which is good….Gah I’m tired again…just came over me like a wave.

    Anyway – I’m going to have my tea….

    02/11/01, 15:49

    OW! fu*king lolly-on-a-stick….ouch.

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011101

    01/11/01, 06:26

    10 minutes before pre-med begins….sort of nervous anticipation. The item in question has returned to it’s smallest “normal” size – about 21/2” – which makes me a bit worried about the possible results.

    So, here I sit in a gown and paper knickers awaiting the nurse…hungry and nervous as hell…..

    01/11/01, 19:29

    Well, I’m back out and getting some very odd sensations from down below. Apparently it went well – and apart from some major backpain for which I was given a big dose of morpine earlier (although later found that rolling me onto my side for a bit really helped) I’m okay….:-)

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011031

    31/10/01, 11:46

    Well its been an incredibly stressful few days and well, I’m terrified that when I come out one of my closest friends – no, she’s more than that. She’s someone I love…will be dead.

    I’m trying not to think about that. To paraphrase Lauren – I don’t half pick them…

    Anyway – moving away from that…I’m actually in hospital now; the nerves are quite definately here in force. Basically my brain isnt working very well now – it’s all occupied with one thought pretty much. I guess thats fairly unsurprising.

    This ward seems to be mostly full of old people which I find a bit odd….

    Aaaanyway….I think that’ll do…

    31/10/01, 12:09

    Well, bloods been taken for testing and the picolax has been taken….okay now I’m *really* nervous!

    31/10/01, 12:50

    Well, I’ve just had an amusing lunch – jelly, sorbet and black tea. It seems a bit odd to eat having just taken something whos express purpose is to empty me of food…

    One thing which is bugging me is that I dont really know what’s happening. I’ve never been in hospital myself before and I could really do with someone saying: “Well at about x o’clock this is going to happen, then at y o’clock that’ll happen”, etc. etc.

    Anyway, listening to elastica (how could they split up?) and waiting for the picolax to kick in…..

    31/10/01, 13.00

    da da

    da da

    da da

    I don’t love you

    (#da da da)

    You don’t love me…

    31/10/01, 13:45

    Well, the picolax has started working…now. Which is err…fun…hrm. And I’ve had a visit from our Mike….checking that I’m sure…

    Mostly I’m bored atm. And it’s only going to get worse! But I’m saving the magazines for afterwards….so atm it’s daytime radio/TV….

    Never did get to get a photo of me by the “Keep off the groynes” signs….

    31/10/01, 15:29

    Help me, I’m trapped in a holiday inn!

    31/10/01, 19:26

    So, it’s now half seven; and I took the picolax just after midday and I’m still going to the loo! Bearing in mind that I had my usual reaction to stress last night and I didn’t have any breakfast you’d not think I’d have so much in me…well that said I don’t actually have anything in me….but I still need the loo…

    Anyway I managed to get a nice bath in and, well, shave the required area, shall we say.

    …..back to the bathoom…

    31/10/01, 19:55

    Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch (just had an injection of anti-coagulent), ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch (it’s like a sodding bee sting only itchier), ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

    31/10/01, 21:14

    Well, I’m actually quite tired so I’ll probably head off to sleep soon….I’m actually very nervous now – I know that this is what I want but the actual operation scares the sh*t out of me.

    As long as I could find things to occupy my mind I didn’t really worry but now the only thing left is sleep and then a shower.

    I’m still rather sore from the anti-coagulent – although I’m sure that’s nothing compared to what I’m going to be feeling like tomorrow night! I’m also in need of the loo again!

    Okay, this is scary, lying alone in a hospital miles from my loved ones (all of them). I suppose of them all Lauren is closest and she’s, what, about 80 miles away – I feel terribly alone. I could do with a hug to be honest….

    [Raoul & the Kings of Spain]. Incidentally, if anyone is considering the Matsui CD200 – Don’t! Although it essentially does what it says on the nasty cheap packaging – plays CDs – it doesn’t do it spectacularly well (ohh, just gotta love that hiss!) – it also feels as cheap as it actually is…. :-)

    Nuts – sleeping with people reminds me how much I like having someone to hold…makes sleeping alone again that bit harder….

    And possibly my final thought for the night – a lot of my friends are going to meet my parents for the first time when I’m incapacitated….is that a wise plan?

    Gah – another one….a huge hug to all my friends and my family who’ve supported me when I’ve been horribly flakey and a complete state…

    However much I try to play down what’s going on tomorrow – it’s still something I’ve waited my entire life for – it’s a big, scary thing…

    And at 8am tomorrow – it’ll be happening….

    and over by lunchtime – not that I’ll be getting any! Okay, now to sleep (yeah, right!).

    —

    Kate E