07/11/01, 07:24
Well, I’ve managed to plan my evenings viewing so that I should have something to watch while dilating…which is important, because it is incredibly dull…just sat there holding a lump of perspex inside you…
Interestingly the dilators are made to “Charring Cross pattern”. Ironic that since the NHS told me where I could stick any chance of treatment ;-/
Anyway, so, there’s bugger all on tv until 5o’clock, which is annoying but I guess I’ve still got my magazines……..well a few of them. Oooh, I think breakfast night be here soon.
For some reason I’m incredibly tired this morning….I don’t think I slept very well. It’s possible, I suppose, that I should have some painkillers before going to bed – but I don’t like taking them because my pain level is low; it’s just rather nagging. At the moment it feels like I have muscle fatigue from a constantly tense muscle.
Incidentally a thought about having the pack removed. For me it felt like someone pulling a plaster off my insides….
Mmm, so, yes…
Definately not something I’ve got any desire to repeat! What else? Oh aye, hopefully the catheter comes out today which is something to look forward to – sort of….
07/11/01, 11:45
I cried today for myself. I cried for all the pain, I cried for all the wasted time and the lies. I cried because I never asked to be TS.
I cried because it was and is unfair that I had to put my body through this just so I can live in it. But at least I think it’s nearly done and I can get on with my life.
Which is why I was also crying with a sort of happiness. I hope I have the ability to move on.
07/11/01, 13:07
Oh my god! I just saw a kids tv program – a la postman pat…with a whole sequence about a mobile phone…it’s not right!
07/11/01, 22:40
[Suzanne Vega – Solitude Standing]
I feel oddly quiet this evening – although the friends I’ve been rambling at (Cheers Jenny & Lauren :-) tonight might disagree – contemplative. I suppose that after so long knowing what I wanted – to finally have it is bound to leave me feeling quite odd.
I feel like I finally have my own body (there seems to be a storm going on outside btw). Never before has this body felt like mine. It’s always felt alien, not right at some fundamental level and that feeling has just disappeared. It’s gone completely! (Although I’ll grant that there are bits of me I can’t actually feel atm – hopefully I’ll get some sensation there eventually).
I’m also rather nervously awaiting the removal of the catheter – hoping that that all goes to plan…..I’m still terrified that something is going to go horribly wrong – and hoping that it won’t.
—
Kate E