Mostly lemon based

Category: General

  • Post 20011206

    6thDecember 2001. 20:38

    I’d forgotten how much of an effect work has on me. And I only did a half day
    today….but I feel fairly throughly miserable after it.

    It doesn’t help that I’m tired anyway, although at least people, well, a few
    people seemed to actually be *talking* to me. Which was nice.

    However, the fact remains that it’s really *really* not what I want to be
    doing, and continuing to do it is making me depressed. I don’t really know what
    to do. There’s no way that I can do the ambulance training thing now, because I
    can’t *lift* anything, not for another 2 months.

    And I don’t know if k’s still interested in doing this shop thing – although
    I suspect not.

    *sigh*

    What I’m fairly convinced of is that I can’t continue to do this. No. I
    *know* I can’t carry on doing this. I need some evidence that I’m going to stop
    doing this in the near future, be it sending an application to Avon ambulance
    service, or talking to banks about starting this shop, or whatever. Something
    has to happen.

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011205

    5thDecember 2001. 23:03

    Well, I thought I ought to do a diary entry, before I get attacked, again,
    for not doing enough diary entries….not that I have anything particularly
    earthshattering to say.

    I’m tired…been decorating. We’ve *almost* got one wall sort of painted,
    ish. Maybe. Perhaps.

    Well, it looks sort of okayish.

    Missing riding my bike something chronic, I keep giving it longing looks when
    I go past. I was going to get a bike cover today so I could take the panels over
    to Mike for spraying….did I mention I appear to be becoming some kind of local
    character….[Long pause because Rachel’s standing behind me which makes it hard
    to write]

    I didn’t? If I did I’ll tell you again anyway. Yes, I was wandering past the
    pub when my favourate mechanic leapt out. Well, okay, wandered out of the pub,
    well, kind of fell, he seemed to be a little the worse for alcohol. Anyway,
    offered me a drink etc…sadly, well, not sadly, happily I was off to see
    Bottom, so I couldn’t stay for a drink, which was a shame ‘cos I’d’ve not have
    minded having a pint with him.

    Anyway, so, I went to see see Bottom, with k, which was *excellent*.

    And back to the pub moment, so, I wander off down the street, then I’m
    accosted by the bloke from the kebab shop, for a quick chat….

    So, yes….

    odd.

    I think my mind’s really wandering far too much for this atm. I just can’t
    keep track of anything for more than a few minutes. Not only that – I need some
    sleep. It now being midnight….

    Yes, so I think I’ll go to bed.

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011129

    29th November 2001, 17:07

    Sheesh, I’m knackered.

    At the moment I just get tired really, really easily. I’ve spent the
    afternoon, well, hrm, about 2 hours of the afternoon trying to tidy up the
    study/computer room here. Just sort of scooping up rubbish and throwing it away
    – and moving all the CD’s into a pile… You can kinda see part of the desk this
    computer lives under now which is good. But that 2 hours has really taken it out
    of me. I just feel very, very tired. Which makes me worry about going back to
    work, hrm, in…[pause to check, yup, it is that close] 1 weeks time.

    I mean, I’ve been sat at this computer all day, and yes, that hasn’t worn me
    out – but I’ve got an hours drive there and an hours drive back…..that makes
    me a bit nervous – especially in a car as heavy as the Cavalier.

    *sigh* I wish the golf was still on the road, that’s nice and light to drive,
    although parking is a bastard…. That’s the other thing that worries me –
    things like parking and low speed manouvering, I’m not sure I’ve got the
    strength for it yet.

    Well, I guess I’ll find out.

    Bah, no new e-mail for me. For whatever reason, since coming back I’ve not
    had any particular desire to look at cartoons, there are a few which I normally
    looked at. 3, I think. Alice, User Friendly and Dilbert. But I just can’t be
    arsed at the moment. Perhaps it’s because I’ve got more important things on my
    mind….

    Things that have been stopping me sleeping recently. Well, that’s not true,
    not stopping me sleeping completely; I sleep for an hour at a time, then wake
    up, then there’s I dunno, 10, 20 minutes of hanging around, lying there – and
    then I drift back to sleep.

    Which may be another reason why I’m quite so tired.

    So, anyway, in other news, I’ve been trying to get my webcam working
    again….well, working for the first time in linux. My webcam is sadly one of these – meaning
    that I have to attempt to persuade this driver
    to compile. Fat chance.

    So, it continues to sit, perched atop my monitor without a chance in hell of
    working. Why Logitech won’t release the information about this camera christ
    knows, it’s not like they have to support the driver. But Nooo. Bastards.

    If they didn’t make such decent mice/keyboards I’d boycot them. Still last
    webcam I buy from them. Sigh. The latest drivers even refused to work in
    Windows, which was amusing. I guess it may have packed up, that’d be about right
    for my hardware. Anyway, if anyone knows how to make this sodding driver
    compile I’d be grateful for the info.

    I’ve been slowly coming to the conclusion that my printer (a venerable
    HP890c ‘Professional Series‘ printer) is never, ever going to work again.
    Since HP said as much, essentially. So I’m thinking its time has come, time to
    throw it away. *sigh* It’s only 4 years old, and its page count can’t be that
    high. Christ, I think I only got through 3 colour cartridges in all that time.

    Although I guess there’s been quite a lot of black and white printing. I
    dunno.

    Anyway. I guess it might as well go in the bin.

    Hrm, probably time for the second bath of the day. Trying to get the
    willpower for it, although right now I’d just like to go to sleep. That’d be
    the nicest thing to do. *sigh* I appear to have caught a cold – which means I
    can’t go and see my dad. At all. Until it’s completely gone. And with my immune
    system’s reputation? *sigh*

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011127

    27th November 2001, 20:16

    Another tedious little test entry I’m afraid:

    In an alternate dimension I’m Chthon

    As Chthon, I’m subject to fits of rage and hurling fireballs. I should calm down and watch out for powerlines.

    I'm Chthon! Take the 'What Quake monster am I?' test!

    So there y’go.

    I’ve not really been up to much – well, quite a lot of pottering about, even
    as far as pottering all the way to Bath and back, but apart from that I’ve not
    really done much.

    Oh, and reading Bill Bryson. Let me point out that reading Bill Bryson isn’t
    the best thing to do when dilating. You’ll be happilly reading about some
    horrible creature that’ll kill you and then suddenly, and without warning you’re
    in hysterics over some comment….and….well, it’s hard to not launch the
    dilator. That’s all I’m saying.

    Yes.

    Oh, what else…there must be more…No. No, I think that’s about it. Oh,
    except that I’m considering becoming an ambulance tech…..yes. That’s probably
    actually about it.

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011122

    22nd November 2001, 14:58.

    I just took The Horrible Affliction Test and apparently….

    I’m rabies!

    Transmitted by rabid animals, I’m most commonly found infecting creatures
    such as raccoons, skunks, bats and foxes. But don’t worry, I affect humans too, causing either paralysis or hyperactivity in your
    advanced stages, and ultimately death.

    My most famous symptom is hypersalviation – that delightful foaming at the mouth that we have come to know
    and indeed love. However, I can also cause hallucination; think of the fun I can
    have at parties!


    Take the Affliction Test Today!

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011120

    20/11/01, 14:19

    Well, I’ve just spent an entertaining few minutes – actually I’ve just realised it’s been half an hour – turning the multiple entries on each day diary entries into multiple entries in a single file. Which means I’ve only got to put 18 entries up instead of nearly 60….

    It appears that’s 80k of mindless rambling…..

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011119

    19/11/01, 11:03

    I’ve just realised that my brain is full of song lyrics to sodding disco stuff because that’s what my parents listened to when I was young. And still listen to now….sometimes. I’m currently being subjected to Boney M’s Night Flight to Venus! Gah.

    The preparations for my dad’s chemotherapy start tomorrow – I hate to think of him having to go through this. I hope it helps…..goddess I hope it helps.

    So, I spent the weekend with k, R and L….(ooh, can I collect the whole alphabet? *grin*) – I miss them all terribly when I’m away. Just sat cuddling all weekend – and watched two very different films….Shrek and Preaching to the Perverted – remarkably I’d actually recommend both of these!

    It appears we’ve got some BT guys outside….one in all the BT gear, yellow reflective jacket and a white hat….and one in his wooly hat and no BT insignia who appears to be doing all the work…. :-)

    Hrm, getting this urge to play with the Music 5000 again….so what if it sounds sod all like real instruments….it’s still fun….

    Still wondering about what to do with my life (#Clock hits midnight) – I mean….I really have no idea. Should I go for one of my dreams? Should I try for one of these things I’ve always wanted – or do I try and come up with something that’ll do? Can I put up with something that’ll do? Past experience suggests not….in which case – what am I going to do?

    ’s monday morning, 5:19

    I’d forgotten how much I used to listen to music – I guess living with k and R – and being considerate – I’ve not done it much recently. I guess I also listen to a lot of stuff at work – but my collection of cd’s at work is a bit lacking…

    What happened to Rialto? This first album is fantastic…and then their second album – well it took an enormous amount of effort to get it – being a Japan only release – and when I did get it, it was all like 70’s easy listening! Where’d all the dark lyrics and twisted ideas go? That’s what I liked! Dark lyrics with boppy happy tunes :-)

    Sorry – this really is just me rambling today – I guess I’m trying not to think about lots of stuff – well – probably only the two things. Although thinking about k/R/L makes me feel a bit down – although I’ll be back to see k & R in a couple of days….

    Bah, even having not listened to this CD for ages I was still waiting for the skip….

    It’s funny to feel special….loved…

    Anyway, I’ll shut up now….

    19/11/01, 15:11

    Okay, fit of lazyness – since at the moment it looks like I’m going to have to manually convert these from stupid WinCE Word format into plain text aud then into the format required for my website (again, I start to wonder if it isn’t time for me to write some java type stuff to make this all a little less difficult….) – I’ve decided to make my entries for each day into one entry….

    Aaannyway, so, thinking about jobs and going back to work etc. has managed to
    make me feel like shite… I’ve actually been feeling ill from it – well, I
    think that’s why I’ve been feeling grotty – it feels like a stress based stomach
    ache. I’m thinking this does not bode well for when I actually have to go back
    to work…..so I’m not quite sure what to do really. I mean I obviously have to go back, I’ve got to work because I have a largeish debt, okay, a large debt to pay back.

    But what then? Evening classes in photography? Paramedic training? Weekends rally driving? Goddess only knows. Where do I go from here? (apart from out of this sodding peugot – I’ve worked out now why the back seat is so uncomfortable – it’s because it’s not a real seat, it’s just a large block of foam that’s gone over-soft. So unfortunately you hit the metal support underneath it when you sit on it….. Incidentally, the reason I’m sat here is because I foolishly decided that I wanted to go into town, specifically into MVC to get Ultraviolet and the Bill Bailey DVD – however my dad had an appointment in Oxford. Fairy nuff – my mum suggested that I come with them into Oxford and then return via Newbury. But the appointment was late (well, obviously an appointment can’t be late, but the person my dad was seeing was running late) and my dad had (has) some other stuff to sort out in Oxford which I suspect may mean I’d’ve been better off not coming, but anyway I digress…) I really don’t know what I want to do, or even what I can do.

    There was a time, once, when, I was pretty good at everything I tried to do. Never really outstanding – never fantastic – but acceptably good – and in a few rare cases, really good….

    But I don’t have that flair for picking stuff up anymore – it’s not even that I find it hard to do it – I simply don’t seem to have the willpower and desire necessary to allow me to learn. I think part of the problem is that I’m no longer so good at being productively lazy – by which I mean I’d learn about stuff so as to find the easiest way to do it. But now, now I just can’t find the energy to do the learning – I just don’t seem to care enough – and on the few occasions when I do have the energy I don’t seem to have the time.

    Perhaps it’s because I’m forever angsting in here!

    Bah, it’s nearly 4 o’clock and my parents still aren’t back – I’d say that making it to Newbury from here….well, at best – 5pm, if we left now…..guess I’ll have to wait for my minor spending spree!

    Gah, I’m still getting tired ever so easily. I’d really like to curl up and
    go to sleep…..I keep seeing movement out of the right hand side of my eye and
    thinking it’s my parents – which is distracting. Anyway I’m going to stop now,
    for a bit at least…

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011115

    15/11/01, 10:31

    Well, the catheter has come out again – I was actually “bypassing” yesterday (urine was coming out around the catheter when I went to the loo) which bodes well.

    At the moment I’m still smarting rather from the removal of the catheter….but I hope that I’ll be able to go in a bit…..

    15/11/01, 11:16

    I suddenly have the fear…..I feel like I’ve been overwhelmed by things which – until now I’ve been holding back.

    11:50

    Well, there was a break for doing a visualisation during which I struggled to control my brain, which seemed to be running out of control – topic hopping so quickly that I had no chance to get to grips with anything before I found I was leaping from one topic to another.

    It was terrifying to feel so utterly out of control of my own mind. I just couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t even like it was all bad things – but I just felt confused – almost dazed with the millions of thoughts running through my head.

    It has stopped now, as quickly as it started……

    On the rather less stressful side – I managed to urinate – which was somewhat of a load off my mind…..or perhaps off my bladder…..

    I also restarted hormones today – which I’m hoping, like last time, will reduce the unpleasant clicks that have been eminating from my joints. It might also help with my mental state!

    Oh, yes, and I just realised that there’s more than 50 of these sodding diary entries to put up…..I’m beginning to feel that maybe Rachel was right – and that I do need to do something about making it easier to put up entries….

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011114

    14/11/01, 04:15

    The problem is I get tense, or more, a muscle I don’t yet have control over gets tense, which makes me tense, which at some subconcious level makes the muscle more tense, which mhkes it ache more, which makes me more tense…….

    All this means that I’ve just taken some coproximol – which will hopefully kill the pain, thus stopping the loop. I hope.

    14/11/01, 20:17

    Well, the catheter comes out tomorrow, and, I’m sore – the catheter has been driving me nuts all day. Really, really incredibly annoying. It’s driving me up the wall!

    If it had come out this morning that’d’ve been fine, but no. It comes ont
    tomorrow – and it must be said – I’m tense as hell about it…..

    The other thing that’s bugging me is this bizarre sensation – before the op,
    on the rare occasions that I got an erection (not that I ever managed to get one
    which would have been of use to anyone….), there was a certain amount of
    discomfort – like muscle fatigue like pain. And I keep getting that at the
    moment. I’ve not had it for most of the day but for much of last night the pain
    was there – and coproximol didn’t touch it at all.

    I don’t know what was causing it – or if it’s normal – but it was sodding painful last night.

    —

    Kate E

  • Post 20011113

    13/11/01, 11:49

    Well, I’m feeling sore, and a bit achey – and I’ve just thought that I could really do with something to drink. Mostly I’m mildly worried about the mice….there are mice in the house which perturbs me. My mum is terrified of them, I’m just worried about their infectious qualities…..

    Hrm…..

    13/11/01, 14:26

    I’m so tired at tne moment – everything just wears me out so quickly…..

    13/11/01, 16:10

    Sheesh, I’m so tired! I know that this is at least partially my own fault because I allowed myself a sleep on the sofa – but still!

    I was once told that bookcases were a good way to judge someone’s character. So what does this tell you….?

    A Practical Introduction to Surface Mount Components…..sat next to The Children’s Book of Books 1999…..Fatherland sat next to Elephants Don’t Sit on Cars…..Elementary Mathematical Analysis on the same shelves cs Asimov, Ben Elton and Stephen Fry…..

    If I found these books in someone elses shelves I’d be intrigued – they seem to me to be an odd collection of books. What does it say about their owner? Someone with a multifaceted personality? or someone who’s simply out of their tree? I don’t know. I do know that you couldn’t tell which of the technical books I’ve read – not just from that selection but from all my many books because all the information has long gone from my head.

    It is one thing that I hugely regret – that I never made more of my mind. And now, now it seems incredibly hard to learn. Or at least to learn and have the information stay there. I don’t know if it’s just that I’m out of practice – or if I really can’t learn anymore – at least not the way I could once.

    I wonder if this coffee is going to cure my tiredness.

    I tried to fool myself into believing that I’d use my time off to do something of value – rewrite this website (to use jsp for these diary pages), do something else worthwhile…..is it going to happen? No.

    Why? Simply because my obssesive phase of computing is over again – and my mind is switching to something else – photography I think. If you look at my life, all of it, you’ll see a disturbing pattern (well, I find it rather disturbing…) of “hobbies” which grow and grow and grow to consume all my time and then, usually fairly dramatically fade into nothingness – I end up barely touching whatever it was that mere days before was occupying vast swathes of my time.

    I usually return to whatever it was sometime later, and usually without realising that I’ve done it. Computing, photography, cars (and probably now bikes), books, and (although not for a long time) electronics. All of these have been “hobbies”.

    I don’t know why this is – I don’t know if, apart from my habit of the most expensive period of interest being just before I suddenly and completely lose interest, there’s anything bad about this – apart from the fact it drives me nuts. Why? Because to some extent I don’t actually lose interest in whatever the subject is – I just find that I can’t find any enthusiasm for it (it’s hard to explain…) – and so, if I start to do something related to it then I quickly run out of energy and stop…..

    I suppose it’s just another aspect of me I don’t quite understand. Like the whole CD’s in alphabetical order, with the CD the right way around in the case. It’s obviously not normal to spend upwards of 5 minutes trying to decide which way round a cd with complex artwork on it should go. I have the same problem with DVDs although in general they have the title printed on them a specific way up…..and oddly it only matters for my ownDVDs.

    But what does this all mean? Do I have obsesive compulsive tendencies? Almost certainly…..is it a problem for me? no – I don’t think so – but it does worry me.

    As does my continued inability to express my emotions as I’d like to. I don’t know how to – and sometimes I don’t know how to even know what feel. Sometimes it’s hard for me to unlock my emotions – they hide deep down within me, refusing to let me see or understand how or why I’m feeling the way I am.

    *sigh* – I guess the thing to remember is that I wasn’t expecting the op to cure any ills, except my body related ones (and it has definately done an enormous amount in that respect) – so I’m almost of much of a screw up as I was 13 days ago!

    On the body issue……it’s made an astounding difference. Before the op, no-one (and I do mean no-one) saw me naked (except once, and that was by accident as I scuttled from my room to the bathroom). I just couldn’t bear to let anyone see the horrible, deformed mess that was my body (yes, I know that it wasn’t actually deformed – but it felt that way). I was so ashamed of it. Now – that has gone. I actually quite like my body now – I have some real enthusiasm for getting fit, for reducing the size of my stomach, for eating healthily, etc. Letting people see me naked – not an issue anymore. For the first time in years my mum’s seen me nude, the nurses and care assistants in hospital – I had no problem with. I can remember what I was like the first time I went in to see Mike Royle – so shy, I just didn’t want him to see me….now I’m just so relaxed. It’s wonderful – after so long….

    Anyway – I need another bath…..

    13/11/01, 20:45

    Gack, my knees just went crack….again…..

    13/11/01, 22:30

    On the back of (my 1979 edition of) “The World According to Garp” it includes ‘Women’s Wear Daily’ in the list of people &magazines that reviewed the book favourably. Is this a joke? Is it a oddly named serious literary magazine? Have I missed something important about American culture?

    I finally managed to place what was familiar about the smell of Witch Hazel. It’s what the school “nurse” would put on cuts and grazes in my primary/junior school….’s funny how these smells invoke memories….

    Anyway – a bit of good news about my dad….it seems that the chemotherapy guy is more hopeful of the chemo helping – he reckoned on a 50/50 chance of it helping. Which is the best odds we’ve got. It seems my dad’s case is of interest because despite extremely severe cancer he’s still fairly symptomless…..although oddly my mum has all the symptoms of cancer, and indeed has had them since roughly when the cancer is thought to have appeared.

    Anyway – that’s some good news. I’m now going to go to sleep!

    P.S. – Amy – please tell me about the whole pizza thing…..and the bed thing! *grin*.

    —

    Kate E