Category: General

24^th October 2001, 13:45.

Bugger….: I AM 60% GEEK.

Nerd, Freak, Geek, Dweeb. Sound familiar?
That’s okay, cause I will be the richest
person at my 15th year high-school reunion.
If a “con” isn’t happening that weekend.

Take the GEEK Test at Fuali.com!

Nuts, I didn’t think I’d come out that high….

Anyway, stuff.

Sorry, this might be a bit disjointed, I’ve got evil moodswings going on at
the moment, and it’s driving me up the wall.

I’m also a bit chilly, I should probably get a jumper, but I can’t be arsed
right now. Half my clothes are in the wash….

Bah, I’ve got so much to do in the next few days. I want to put the top-box
back on my bike so Mikes welding it back together….I dunno how long it’ll
last, and it’s going to look as ropey as hell, but never mind….

*sigh* I wish I’d not fucked up that bike test.

I don’t even know what I did wrong, apart from be too quick, maybe, when I
did my stop on the emergency stop. I don’t know. *sigh*

3 f*cking minor faults, I’ll never be that good on the test again. That’s if
I make it to the next test, and don’t wrap the bike around a tree traveling up
the A38 in midwinter. Well. We’ll see.

I don’t really know what I’m saying here, there’s so much stuff going on in
my head. I don’t seem to be able to hold a thought at all.

Anyway, when I got back from home I did a quick bit of shopping to get some
odds and sods for the op. Basically, clothes which aren’t disintegrating,
particularly knickers which aren’t disintegrating. So, now I’ve got clothes at
least, clothes and a portable CD player. I need a little CD holdery-thing, which
I’ll probably go and get this weekend.

I’ve been adding to the about me section. Just a bit. A couple of photos.
Well, three. I saved the one of my dad sunbathing with a pyramid on his nose for
myself. I’ve not saved this one though: here which is in fact the first
and only pack of condoms I’ve had. It was given to me, just before my
16th birthday, with a talk about safe sex. It’s sat in my draw in Hemel, in
Eastbury, in Birmingham….and timed out, because not being physically *capable*
of having sex, well, not in the traditional sense (I guess there are various
forms of
sex which I could have been involved in….). But anyway, yes, they timed out,
and I located them in my draw, where they’re still sat….

Anyway, it amused me slightly. These people saying “take care when you’re
having sex”….

I keep thinking I ought to at least have some doubts in my mind. I always
have some doubts in my mind about things, but I just don’t. What about? The
surgery of course. I know it’s what I want, it’s what I’ve always wanted,
well, no that’s not strictly true, it’s what I’ve always wanted since I grasped
that I could have it. I mean, I’d prefer to be a completely functional female,
but this is the nearest I’m going to get so it’ll have to do.

Of course it hurts that I’m not going to have kids, although my experiences
with John just proved what I thought, I’m not really a kid person, I don’t
really know what to do/say with babies. The only thing which bothers me at all
is the actual fact that I’m going in to have surgery – particularly with such a
long run of bad luck preceding it.

But, well, I’ll just have to see how it comes out.

And hope that it’s okay.

I’ve not talked about my dad much in this one, you may have noticed. This is
because there’s currently not much to say. They’re going to try a procedure to
make him more comfortable, and then it’s all down to holistic medicine, really.
They don’t think the chemotherapy’s going to do much for him.

Just kind of slow the cancer down a bit.

*sigh*

But he’s a strong bloke, and I *hope* his immune system will manage to push
this into remission, with a bit of help.

Anyway, this is my dad, here. Well,
it’s my mum and my dad…..You know, until yesterday I didn’t know that photo
even existed…

anyway.

—

Kate E

22/10/01, 09:44

I wish I was dead.

Nothing I do goes right, everything I touch turns to shit.

I can’t, incidentally, retake my test before the 10 days are up – reardless of anything else that might be happening, so I’ll probably end up wrapped around a tree on some ungritted A road sometime early next year.

Never mind.

k’s got a new bike, which is cool, but spells the end of me going on any rideouts. *sigh*. It was hard enough to keep up with her on the ETZ – but it was possible at least.

oh well, maybe I should sell the bike. It’s not like I get any pleasure out of my commute and since I’m never going to get a full licence, and I can’t go on rideouts with anyone (ride your own ride is fine advice, and I do but when you only ever see people at the beginning and end of the ride there’s just no point (believe me, I know, I’ve been on one ride like that and I don’t intend to repeat the experience)).

Well, it probably makes no odds, given how things have been going recently it’s obvious that the world wants rid of me. It’ll get bored and kill me off soon.

—

Kate E

21^st October 2001, 22:40.

I’ve just got back from the hospital, seeing my dad…..it’s very hard to even begin to be positive, but; but with cancer the very strangest things seem to work. Stuff which I have no understanding of how it could help has been found to help.

So.

The one thing I can actually *do* to help him is to do visualisation. This has been found, by various cancer centres to help people with cancer. I don’t understand how or why. But it’s the one thing I can do.

To explain. What you (or actually I) have to do is to visualise the bodys fight against the cancer. It’s in the bowel, well, the main load is. And what I’m visualising, at my fathers request, is the bowel slowly being clensed of cancer. The body fighting this grey mass which has enveloped so very much of him, and beating it back. Slowly.

Why does this help? I don’t know. Does it help? Well, some people say it does, and frankly I’d do anything right now to keep my father.

If any of you fancy doing some visulisation…..please do….

—

Kate E

20/10/01, 01:23

I dont think that at any point today any two parts of my brain have ag eed on what mood I’m in.

It’s like being in hell only without the logic. I nearly ended up dead thanks to my complete lack of self presrvation.

One thing I hate is sleeping alone. There’s no real cure for that in my case tho’…

—

Kate E

19/10/01, 08:17

I don’t know what to do. Everytime something good has happened recently it’s been a prelude to something bad. Like me making it across Bristol to pick up the petrol tank and then back to the garage in less than an hour – during rush hour…..was a prelude to discovering that my car was f*cked. Or my bike actually working on the day of my bike test – prelude to failing it – like every other test.

My dad getting a date for his operation that quickly – then finding out that it was inoperable.

I just can’t cope anymore – it’s just too much for me.

We’re meant to be having a party tomorrow night but I might just disappear – I don’t want to drag every one down to my level.

Another question arises. How do I get to my op? I don’t want my mum leaving my dad although she’s determined to come and see me…. But atm I’ve got no transport down there…

—

Kate E

18/10/01, 21:01.

Well, Rachel just guessed that I was asleep – which I’m obviously not – either that or I’m very good at writins in my sleep. This is one of those times where I’m not sure if I want to be alone.

But I don’t want to go and depress everyone else so I’ll stay here for the time being.

‘s odd being able to put down my thoughts at any time – one of the things which has always got in the way of my diary entries has been the inability to just jot down thoughts…

Question. Why does crying leave me with a stinking headache?

Question. Why does the iPAQ have such trouble with: h, g & r?

*sigh*

My head seems to have become a container for pain.

—

Kate E

12^th October 2001, 10:26

You’d think I’d’ve learned by now, wouldn’t you. I mean, it’s happened every
time I’ve ever bought something expensive on the basis that there’s nothing I’m
expecting to need to do that’s expensive, and that I’m thinking “oh, I’ve had a
fairly quiet month”.

And then, lo, as soon as I’ve spent the money something incredibly expensive
happens. It happened when I bought the PC, it happened when I bought the hdd for
the RiscPC, it happened when I bought the hdd for the A440, it happens every
fucking time.

*sigh*

And lo, it happened again.

I buy an iPaq, and….yes….my car breaks down.

The shit in the petrol tank problem has reared its head again. So that was 100 quid down the drain 2 years ago, and it’s going to be another
130 quid or so this year. At least this time, I’m going to get a new tank.
Albeit a pattern part.

But of course, I’m meant to be taking my dad to the hospital on Sunday. So,
I’m going to have to fix my bike because there’s no way on this planet that I’m
doing a 120 mile round trip in a car which packs up every 15 miles or so.

*sigh*

—

Kate E

4^th October 2001, 20:13.

It’s funny, the people you think you’ve lost along the way….who’re still
taking the time out of their lives to see what you’re up to.

The people I don’t hear of, or who I’ve sort of lost contact with, who’re
still there in the background reading these diary entries. Thanks, it’s nice to
know you care.

My parents want me to go to this party on Saturday, so I guess I will. It
will probably do me good, and at least I’m now capable of functioning in public,
something that wasn’t the case on Tuesday.

Some of you may know I took my bike test on Wednesday, my bike failed me. The
brake lights ceased to function. ‘nother test is booked.

—

Kate E

2^nd October 2001, 15:39.

Well, now we know whats wrong with my dad. You’ll have to excuse me if this
swings between very detached and very emotional.

My dad has cancer. It’s serious, though they don’t yet think it’s completely
untreatable, however, they don’t know how far it has spread.

I

I don’t really know what to write. Like people don’t know what to say to me
when I tell them. I suppose I’m scared of losing my dad so soon after gaining
him. I’m scared for him, because of what he’s going to have to go through.

I’m scared for him because my mother was completely destroyed by the news and
he’s having to comfort her.

They want me to carry on like nothing is wrong. Do my bike test, go to the
party on Saturday.

I’m still waiting on the phone call from them with the information from the
consultant.

My head hurts from crying so much and getting so little sleep.

We all knew. All knew what it was. No one wanted to say. Like my sister said
“that would make it real”. Now it is and I don’t know what to do.

—

Kate E