08/11/01, 09:18
Well, the catheter is out. I’m just waiting for a while before hopping out of bed – feeling a bit sore y’see…..Listening to elastica to kill time!
08/11/01, 13:25
Oh god. For once I thought something was going right. But no. I’m unable to urinate. It’s fucking agonising when I try. Anyone want to watch it turn to shit?
[crying]
08/11/01, 15:07
Why? Why does the world always do this to me? Raise my hopes then dash them? I thought that this one thing would go smoothly. This one thing I wanted would go right. But no. It seems I can’t even have this.
The nurse said “You’re not too swollen” but it appears she was wrong. I’m too swollen to pass any urine and after an agonising couple of hours they decided there was nothing for it but to put the catheter back in. So. Here I lie with a bunch of pain killers in me and a fresh catheter which I’ll have to go home with – meaning another week of lousy sleep and pain and discomfort and more hating of being me.
They said “It’s horrible, but it’s about a 50/50 split of those who need one to those who don’t”. But I only know one other TS who’s needed one.
I’d been looking forward to this so much – to being free – if sore – and having a good start to this chunk of my life. As usual it’s been taken away from me.
08/11/01, 15:53
[crying]
God it’s depressing. After a morning without the catheter to have it back. It feels like a huge step back. It hurts. I hurt. The catheter hurts. I hate being me. I hate everything always being fucked up at the last minute. What did I do to deserve being me.
Will it ever stop – will things ever go right? Or will I always have this happen?
[crying]
08/11/01, 16:12
I don’t know what the painkillers were, but they’ve not touched the pain.
08/11/01, 16:58.
Oh goddess, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore, it’s sore.
I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.
The painkillers have done nothing. I have a burning sensation in my ureter. I hurt, I hurt. Oh goddess I hurt.
08/11/01, 23:03.
Well – a big thanks and an improbably large number of hugs to kira, Rachel and Lauren for helping me today. I felt so alone and lonely earlier but they’ve managed to make me feel only utterly miserable instead of totally depressed.
Today I’ve had codidramol and voltarol, neither of which seemed to do anything. I’ve just been given tamodol (I think) which I’m hoping will at least allow me to get one nights rest….
—
Kate E