Category: General

  • Insomnia

    I don’t know why but over the past year my insomnia’s got worse again. It’s not, thank god, as bad as it was when I was young adult. Particularly I’m thinking it’s not as bad as when I was a student when I’d sleep a few hours at most a night, and then crash at some point and just sleep 12 or 14 hours. But it’s been getting rough. I’ve woken up at 3-4 am pretty frequently recently, and some nights it’s taken well over an hour to get to sleep. Tonight when I hit just shy of 2 hours I decided to get up and…well, do this. Mainly because I’d hit the point of boredom where I start tossing and turning and squirreling myself into endless positions in search of the hopefully one position where I might sleep.

    I know that notional position is a lie, because I’ve been there so many times before.

    And I didn’t want to wake Kathryn up with my body’s – or my mind’s failure to sleep.

    I don’t really know what’s going on. I mean, the world for queer people is a shitshow. I watched Philosophy Tube’s Judith Butler episode today and her conclusion about reaching the people who’ve adopted the world view that’s ended with blaming queer people for whatever ails societyis pretty bleak. So maybe that’s rattling around my head. I’m also being deeply normal about Alyson Greaves’ Kimmy. So elements of that have been wandering around my brain. But mostly, while I feel kind of half-heartedly tired, I just don’t really feel sleepy. And so here I sit whiling hours away.

    Too tired to write. Too tired to read. Too awake to sleep.

    It’s zero fun.

    I’ll probably take some melatonin tomorrow and see if that helps. I can’t really tell if it does – because some times I sleep fine anyway.

  • Persuading Scrivener (3.5.1) to use your folder names as chapter titles

    Because I’m either insane or a masochist, having got Scrivener working yesterday I decided I was going to import my document from word and then attempt to produce an epub. Since that’s essentially what Scrivener is for me, a glorified epub/book pdf producer, since they don’t support Linux properly, and also don’t support Android – and I do all my writing on those two OS’s.

    OTOH, there’s a dearth of ‘cuddly’ Linux tools to produce decent epubs and PDFs for printing, so… here we are.

    If you’re actually writing in Scrivener, this next bit you might want to skip.


    Now, before we get into this properly, I also should say my “import docx” process also was a pain in the arse. Despite the document having separate sections defined for each chapter, and each chapter having a heading, e.g. Chapter 1 – It’s Definitely Just a Game, it singularly failed to correctly divvy that up into chapters. What I ended up doing was running through that document and throwing a # in front of every chapter title and using the “import and split” function, but rather than use the default “Split using document’s outline structure”:

    Scrivener Import and Split window

    I selected “Split into sections by finding separators in the text”. The only problem with this is that for some reason it also picked up, seemingly only at the end of each chapter, the page number and included that in the text. So every chapter ended “Page nn”. I just fixed that by hand.

    Anyway, if you’ve actually written your document in Scrivener, that’s all kinda moot.


    Oookay.

    The recommended way to set up your books (although Scrivener are very much “you can do it how you like”) seems to be to have a folder for each chapter and then each scene in a separate Text. In my case because I imported a giant 120k word document, each chapter is one scene because I can’t be arsed to separate them.

    So you end up with something that looks a bit like this:

    Scrivener Main Window

    Now again, mine’s kinda funky because of the way I imported it. And my problem was that in my Text for each chapter, I had the chapter number and the title for the chapter and the subheadingy bit where I have the date (fractured timeline story, it hops about a lot). And what I wanted to do was have the chapter number and title as part of the Chapter Title, and then have the subheading-date as the Section Title.

    The solution to this would seem to be obvious. Change the Folder Name to the Chapter Title (in my case I just cut/pasted the Chapter Number and Title, but actually I’d probably suggest not doing it that way, and just putting the Title; y’know, in case you want to reorganise things in the future. I mean, my book is done apart from proofreading, so…hopefully it should now be fairly static).

    But then the epub that came out was…wrong. And finding the answer to “I would like my Folder names to be used as Chapter Names” turned out to involve a lot of wading through self righteous people explaining how you should read the manual and it’s all clear after that (it isn’t). And a lot of unanswered questions on multiple forums.

    So.

    The thing you need is indeed in the Compile Dialog. When you first open it it’ll probably look kinda like this – well, if you select “Compile for epub…” in the drop down menu at the top of the window:

    Scrivener Compile Dialog

    Now I’m going to recommend you go with this plan, so you don’t fuck up the original version, although it’s a bit more involved.


    But before we do that, when you click on ebook, if you get this error:

    Scrivener window with error

    Then you’ll need to cancel out of this dialog and go fix the assigned structure of your book. By default Scrivener sets this to “Structure Based” which I don’t yet know how it’s meant to work, but I can tell you it didn’t work for me.

    I had to go set all the folders to Chapter Heading but got away with leaving the individual Texts as Structure Based. If you collapse the tree so all you can see is the folders you can multiselect (Click on the first one and Shift-Click on the last one) and then right click and set them all in one go).

    By the way, a reminder, this is really me flying blind and throwing things at the wall until they stick. This worked for me, eventually.

     


    Okay, so back you go to that Compile window and select ebook. Then in one of the Section layouts (the middle section of the window), click on the little grey edity pen icon that appears when you hover around the corners of the example layouts.

    Then, for the sake of your sanity, click “Duplicate Format & Edit Layout”; I called mine “Ebook Titles from Folders” because I’m deeply imaginative.

    Compile dialog from Scrivener with Duplicate Format and Edit Selected clickedOnce that’s done you need the little grey button at the center bottom of the Compile window: Assign Section Layouts…

    Scrivener Assign Section LayoutsAnd then you need to assign a layout to each of the Section Types in the left hand pane. This is where it gets tricky, because I didn’t really understand what the examples were showing and it doesn’t provide a live example to show you based on how you’ve set things up. But my current understanding is that if you want your Folder Titles to be your chapter headings, you need to use Section Title. You can choose if you want a page break, or a border, or what have you. If you were wise enough not to hand-edit-in your chapter numbers, you might want a version that automatically inserts chapter numbers *and* a Section title, if that’s a thing you want.

    I ended up selecting Section Text for both Front Matter and Scene, and a Bordered Chapter Heading with Section Title for the contents for Chapter Heading:

    Section Layouts

    Obviously, if you want Back Matter, then you’ll also need to set that up. Since this was a ‘quick test’ I was doing to check that epub worked I’d thrown together a quick cover and used that.

    Anyhow, once you’ve done that, you can hit compile and you should end up with your folder titles as the chapter title…
    And thank fuck that’s done.

  • Scrivener 3.5.1 on Ubuntu Linux 22.04

    Scrivener seems like the best available option for epub production on Linux, so I decided to install it… There is a linked guide in the Scrivener forums (here) on which this is based, but Scrivener crashed twice during setup following it – several of the dialog boxes behaved very oddly – and when I got to the end of it I was presented with a black window that would, after a minute or so quit without doing anything. It took a bit of hunting around to work out why, and so here’s my version with the fixes I did.

    So, I’m going to basically nick the nice guide’s commands (because last time I didn’t do that, the guides then disappeared) – I’m not going to bother explaining the nice way the original author did, because you can read his nice post. He also has screenshots, because he’s a fancy duck. I’m not going to do that or install a VM to recreate the experience (because honestly, I can’t be bothered). Oh, and this is assuming you have an x86 based linux box*.

    I have presented this in more or less the order I did it – which is not the most efficient way to do this. I’ve tweaked it very slightly to avoid you running into Scrivener crashing during setup problem, but it’s pretty clear that you could fix skip installing the old version of Wine and hop straight to the new one. But since I didn’t test that I’m not going to put that as a “this works” set of instructions.

    Oh, and you’re gonna need a terminal window and some comfort with typing in commands.

    1. Download Scrivener for Windows 64 bit version (3.5.1 is the version I have working).

    Okay, fire up your terminal window and go to town:

    1. Enable i386 architecture

      sudo dpkg --add-architecture i386

    2. Update your sources

      sudo apt-get update

    3. Install Wine and some other dependencies

      sudo apt-get install winetricks wine64 wine32:i386 winbind -y


    Okay… now here’s where I’m going to recommend that you do things slightly differently than I did. Because here I proceeded to “Installing Scrivener” and then ran into problems. I’m not willing uninstall it to test the theory that this order works better, nor do I want to spend the time to create a VM to test this theory. But I present to you the two options:

    • Following the semi-official instructions, go through the flaky – crashes multiple times – setup which worked for me after doing steps 5-7 to fix its not-working state. If you wanna do that, do steps 8-11 and then come back and do 5-7 if it doesn’t work.

    Or

    • Do these steps 5-6 first, then install Scrivener. This should skip the crashing during setup issues I had, and the well this doesn’t work disappointment of the official instructions. I have not tested this option, but it’s what I’d do knowing what I do now. YMMV.

    1. Upgrade Wine – Wine in the Ubuntu repositories is ooold, and a more modern version seems to be required for Scrivener to work now. This requires a few steps:
      • Install more required packages to allow WineHQ’s own version to install. You could probably merge this with step 4.

        sudo apt install dirmngr ca-certificates software-properties-common apt-transport-https curl -y

      • Add the WineHQ repository to your list of approved places to get software from

        curl -s https://dl.winehq.org/wine-builds/winehq.key | sudo gpg --dearmor | sudo tee /usr/share/keyrings/winehq.gpg > /dev/null

      • Import that repository that you just added

        echo deb [signed-by=/usr/share/keyrings/winehq.gpg] http://dl.winehq.org/wine-builds/ubuntu/ jammy main | sudo tee /etc/apt/sources.list.d/winehq.list

      • Update your sources

        sudo apt-get update

      • Install the new shiny version of Wine over the top of your archaic one

        sudo apt install winehq-stable --install-recommends

      • You can check this worked with the command

        wine --version

        Which on my system today says Wine 9.0

    2. Upgrade Winetricks

      sudo winetricks --self-update

    3. Now while Scrivener will/should work on Windows 7, which is how Wine likes to present itself by default, it works better on Windows 10. It also requires dotnet to activate the licence, apparently. I’m still using the test version. BTW, Firing off this command will present you with a bunch of Windows installs to run through and should tell wine to identify itself as Windows 10.

      winetricks --force corefonts win10 dotnet48

    Okay. Now you’ve put in all the prerequisites, you can install and setting up Scrivener:

    1. Run the Scrivener installer in Wine – Ryan recommends moving the default install location to C:/Scrivener for ease of use. And don’t let it install desktop icons (they won’t work).

      wine ~/Downloads/Scrivener-installer.exe

    2. Delete Scrivener’s own Text to speech. It’s broken and causes the application to hang in Wine.

      cd ~/.wine/drive_c/scrivener

      rm -rf texttospeech/

    3. Create a script in your home directory to fire up Scrivener so you don’t have to type out the long command each time (Ryan recommends using vi. I’m not going to do that to you; if you’re happy using vi go ahead, but it’s not exactly friendly to people who might be at the level of needing this guide).

      cd ~

      nano scriv.sh

      • Type this into the first line in your nice empty text file:

        cd ~/.wine/drive_c/scrivener && /usr/bin/wine Scrivener.exe

      • Hit [Ctrl+O] to save
      • Hit [Ctril+X] to exit
    4. Make your shiny new script executable (a thing you can run as a program)

      chmod 0700 scriv.sh

    Now from your command line if you type ./scriv.sh you should have Scrivener working.

    Feel free to tell me if you don’t. Don’t expect me to fix it…

    * If you don’t know what x86 means, as long as it’s a ‘proper laptop’ and doesn’t have an apple logo on it you’re probably fine. If you’re trying to do this on a repurposed chromebook, ???? ????? (?Allah yahfazak). Theoretically, I think you could get this working on an ARM/apple silicon based linux box using QEMU. When my MNT Pocket Reform arrives I may do that, just for shits and giggles. If I do I’m sure I’ll do another high quality guide like this.

  • And we’re done!

    So I’ve finally finished (mostly) having bits chopped off or up. Since the US healthcare system makes it wise to throw everything at the pan once you hit your deductible, then I decided to get my nose rotorouted. Basically I’ve had enlarged turbinates and a deviated septum (which I should have had dealt with in my 20s when my endo suggested I go see an ENT to see if that was why my breathing was shit), but no. No. Genius then Kate decided to wait.

    So instead I had it done a week ago. And my nose while sore does appear to be more capable of letting air in, which is nice. But the first 5 or so days afterwards were bloody awful (at some points literally). The pain wasn’t too bad but the sinus pressure was miserable. Part of this is no doubt because I’ve forgotten what colds are like after 5 years of not having them (masks!), but anyway, 0*s, don’t recommend.

    Also, despite not being intubated (they used an LMA! From the hospital I used to work at! I chatted with the anaesthtist about it as I was put under), my voice is absolute garbage again. Falsetto’s gone walk about (I noticed that when I tried to whoop at the end of The People’s Joker), and it’s kinda doing that sultry thing. Not great for singing.

    Anyhow, I’ve got work-but-not-filming (can’t lift) Monday / Tuesday next week for TE and then I’m truly back in the real world with my lifting capacity back to it’s fearsome normal on Wednesday. The only other thing I’ve thought of to take advantage of maxing out my insurance is removal of a painful lipoma. So that’s in for June (well, the consultation is). Back to life as normal soon…

  • Resting Cycle

    So I’ve been good. I’ve actually genuinely been good. I’ve lived within my lifting limit (which are lifted tomorrow), I’ve rested and I’ve really done very little. I’ve written – my novel went off to a beta reader, came back, and is apparently not terrible. So after a raft of edits it’s gone off to some other folks who asked to be beta readers. I’m waiting to hear what they think of it, but unlike paid beta readers, there’s no time limit on that which is hard.

    If they don’t suggest anything huge then I’m actually going to shop it to some agents and see what they think. Which is a terrifying thing, but I have to remind myself that one of my day jobs involves writing. I’ve written scripts every week for years. Not fiction, no, but it’s still writing. It’s still story telling. So maybe I can write adequately. I find it very hard to tell. I’ve started work on something else which went a much weirder place than I was expecting. I also made a couple more earrings. Thanks to a viewer of TE, who sent a bunch of dead capacitors. I need to be careful with two of them because they’re dried out electrolytics – at least, I’m hoping they’ve dried out. But if they show any signs of leakage then they’ll no longer be earrings, they’ll be ewaste.

    We headed up to Port Townsend for a few days, which was delightful. Walks on the beach, meandering through the town, spending some time soaking in a spa, and we took in a film at the Starlight Room. Lots of reading, a bit of writing. Basically an ideal break.

    All in all, having a month off post surgery has been really good for me except that it’s really driven home that I need to move to a workplace where I feel happier about [stuff]. Because today I’ve found myself feeling really, really unmotivated. Entirely because I keep thinking about tomorrow.

  • The Cass Report / BMJ

    I had words for the BMJ. I don’t know if they’ll stay up on the BMJ’s site, but they’re here if they don’t.

     

    Dear Editor,

    The BMJ’s editorial supportive of the findings of the Cass review will stand as one of the poorest decisions in this journal’s storied history. On final publication it has become incredibly clear that the review was deeply politicised. Dr Cass and her team’s decision to exclude the 98% of studies on transgender healthcare – with positive findings – for failing to be double blind studies, but then to include multiple non-double-blinded studies, which were supportive of her own position, is damning by itself.

    It makes a mockery of the concept of a review. Had I handed this in as part of any of my degree studies I would have failed because it lacks even the most basic principles of scientific rigour.

    Furthermore, the position adopted by Dr Cass, that — because a large proportion of people who start puberty blockers go on to require further gender affirming care we should not prescribe blockers — shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the situation. That is broadly the equivalent of complaining that patients who present to an emergency department having an ST elevation MI go on to have reperfusion therapy. The guidelines have successfully identified those requiring treatment, we gave it, and it worked. Puberty blockers were always a compromise because people were concerned about children making their minds up too fast. It turns out that children know who they are.

    Indeed, that such a high percentage of people using puberty blockers go on to have further gender affirming care suggests they should be used more broadly, not less. And that the current guidelines are actually identifying people who should be placed on HRT so that they can go through an appropriate puberty with their peers. Instead she has used it to argue for an opposite, and completely unsupported by the evidence conclusion.

    The evidence is very clear that gender affirming care is safe, as has been found by less biased reviews in multiple other countries. It is vividly clear that this government study is purely a basis for further politicisation of transgender healthcare, and provides a figleaf for the NHS’s appallingly inadequate service provision. That a journal that I respect has decided to editorialise positively on such a travesty is deeply disappointing and engenders deep concerns regarding the decision making at the BMJ’s editorial heart.

  • FFS Day 7

    Okay, I know I said I was going to stop. But it’s me and I’ve never been one for reliably making a decision and sticking to it.

    One of the interesting things which I’ve noticed over the past couple of days as I have slowly been out in the world a little bit more (following the surgery and recovering enough that it’s an option), is that my face is different. And I know that seems obvious, I mean that’s the point. I just had FFS, ffs. But it’s different for me to experience in ways that I didn’t really realize it would be. Someone on one of the discord’s I’m on kinda mentioned it, but I didn’t realise it would affect me quite so much.

    So because my orbital rims have changed, I actually have a wider peripheral view than I did before. That’s just something I didn’t really expect. Like it didn’t occur to me that my peripheral vision would change, it’s actually better now than it was before. I mean I’m still blind as a proverbial bat, and so all I really see is blurry things, but it’s a noticeable change. Another thing is just the way that water runs off my face has changed. So when I shower, the shampoo and water go different places than I’m used to. Some of that is probably because my head is still largely numb in many places and my forehead has patches of sensitivity and patches of numbness which probably makes it harder for me to predict where the water is going and going to go when it’s run off those areas which I can’t feel. But I am having to shift the way I deal with soap and shampoo.

    Anyhow, it is fascinating to me that as the world’s perception of me has shifted because of FFS, so my perception of the world has also shifted.

    Since I’m here, I’m still pretty much the same – easily tired, verticality takes it out of me kinda quickly. But otherwise okay. My wonderful wife is such a sweetie and looking after me so well :) She’s just the best.

    PXL_20240320_225246208

  • FFS Day 7

    Handwritten checkbox list with every item checked off: ABX Ibu(profen) (2100) Para(cetamol, aka Acetaminophen) (1900) Peridex Nocté Goop

    So yesterday was the last day of oral antibiotics. Thank fuck for that because as is so often the case when I’m on penicillins, not that I’ve been on them a ton, but towards the end I start to get lousy acid indigestion. Although, to be fair, that could equally well be that I’m mainly living on a liquid diet. I have had some soft actual food – yesterday I shredded a tortilla and dropped it into my tomato soup, along with the egg and cheese, and y’know what? That was pretty good.

    And I also had an American style biscuit. That was also pretty good – it was a little salty, but it plus the peanut butter (smooth :-/ ) and jam made for a nice and unexpected treat. Kathryn also brought home icecream – which is not solid food but was very yummy.

    Healing continues to trundle along. I keep feeling like I’m mostly better, then try and do something and discover that I’m really not. For values of “do something” where “sitting in my office chair and editing the next chapter of my audiobook version of Glow, worm” is the level of activity. But I have managed to go outside and do outside things. Well, walking. Kathryn and I like to wander – and once the sun’s down (since I’m now even more vampiric than before, I’m meant to avoid the sun basically all year), we headed out for a little wander which I managed without, I think, any of my little unsteady wobbles that I’ve had the past few days.

    Honestly, I think I’m quite likely to stop doing the daily updates unless something crops up. Photos, yes, for my own interest. But realistically I’m now at just posting that I’m tired and waiting for that to wear off and start actually doing things again. Like exercise. Which apparently is a thing I like. Let’s not talk about the fact that’s happened.

  • FFS Day 6

    Well, that’s it. Done and dusted assuming nothing crops up in the next chunk-o-healing. After last night’s debacle with not sleeping I could not have been more grateful that Kathryn so kindly took today off to go up with me. Traffic was pretty chill, which so far has been the case, and we got up there about 45 minutes early.

    The main event was the removal of the staples (sides of my head, within my hairline) and the removal of sutures (on my forehead at the hairline) – which was all done by the nurse before being seen by Dr Liu. All that healing seems to be going fine – I just have to keep putting the antibiotic ointment on for 2 more days and then I’ll be switching to a silicone scar reduction gel. Dr Liu whipped off the dressing on my throat, so today’s the first time I’ve seen that without an Eve’s apple for – well – probably nearly 30 years. That I put scar reduction gel on today.

    All in all there wasn’t a lot to it. He checked motor function (I can move my eyebrows, smile, etc all just fine). Told me I don’t have to sleep as sat up as I have been (thank fuck, because I can’t sleep – I did get some kudos for having put up with the lack of sleep to stick to the instructions), sadly he’d like me to continue to wear the jaw strap for at least another week to help keep control of the swelling (boo), but at least I can tolerate it now it’s not a fight between my glasses, the staples and the jaw strap.

    I need to go back in about a year for a follow up appointment, but otherwise that’s it.

    Unsurprisingly I’m now completely f’kin knackered; I apparently slept a little in the car (I definitely dozed and probably did actually fall asleep for a bit). We grabbed some not-very-good smoothies and snacks for the trip back (seriously, quite disappointing), and we snuggled on the sofa for a bit to watch Ghosts (startling me by causing me to cry at the 2019 Xmas special when Pat watches some family videos – it’s always interesting when you find these unprotected and bare bits of pain from trauma). And then I spent a long time listening to Halcyon and on and on, Miami Nice, Kruppa, Sunsick Day and some other track that I intended to save into a loopable chill playlist but failed to do so.

  • Pregaming FFS Day 6.

    So today I should get the sutures out – which is great. And the staples. But after 6 and a half hours of staring at the inside of my eyelids I got sick of it and got up. I don’t really know what to do with myself – I think I’m going to have to ask for some kind of sleeping pill because I now feel well enough that sleeping sat up is just impossible for me a lot of the time. Last night I took oxy in the hopes it would make me drowsy as well as deal with the pain, and it totally failed on the drowsy front. Did help with the pain though. Now the pain’s wandering back (mainly I think the pain from the staples being squashed by the jaw wrap right now, everything else seems to have settled down fairly much), but I’m completely fucking exhausted.

    I’ve sat up for an hour dinking, poking at the new story I’m writing, but not very successfully. I did, however, at 1:30 am submit my story to my beta reader who had e-mailed me back. Hopefully my comments in the submission box made sense.

    Right.

    Let’s try sleeping again, shall we?