13/11/01, 11:49
Well, I’m feeling sore, and a bit achey – and I’ve just thought that I could really do with something to drink. Mostly I’m mildly worried about the mice….there are mice in the house which perturbs me. My mum is terrified of them, I’m just worried about their infectious qualities…..
Hrm…..
13/11/01, 14:26
I’m so tired at tne moment – everything just wears me out so quickly…..
13/11/01, 16:10
Sheesh, I’m so tired! I know that this is at least partially my own fault because I allowed myself a sleep on the sofa – but still!
I was once told that bookcases were a good way to judge someone’s character. So what does this tell you….?
A Practical Introduction to Surface Mount Components…..sat next to The Children’s Book of Books 1999…..Fatherland sat next to Elephants Don’t Sit on Cars…..Elementary Mathematical Analysis on the same shelves cs Asimov, Ben Elton and Stephen Fry…..
If I found these books in someone elses shelves I’d be intrigued – they seem to me to be an odd collection of books. What does it say about their owner? Someone with a multifaceted personality? or someone who’s simply out of their tree? I don’t know. I do know that you couldn’t tell which of the technical books I’ve read – not just from that selection but from all my many books because all the information has long gone from my head.
It is one thing that I hugely regret – that I never made more of my mind. And now, now it seems incredibly hard to learn. Or at least to learn and have the information stay there. I don’t know if it’s just that I’m out of practice – or if I really can’t learn anymore – at least not the way I could once.
I wonder if this coffee is going to cure my tiredness.
I tried to fool myself into believing that I’d use my time off to do something of value – rewrite this website (to use jsp for these diary pages), do something else worthwhile…..is it going to happen? No.
Why? Simply because my obssesive phase of computing is over again – and my mind is switching to something else – photography I think. If you look at my life, all of it, you’ll see a disturbing pattern (well, I find it rather disturbing…) of “hobbies” which grow and grow and grow to consume all my time and then, usually fairly dramatically fade into nothingness – I end up barely touching whatever it was that mere days before was occupying vast swathes of my time.
I usually return to whatever it was sometime later, and usually without realising that I’ve done it. Computing, photography, cars (and probably now bikes), books, and (although not for a long time) electronics. All of these have been “hobbies”.
I don’t know why this is – I don’t know if, apart from my habit of the most expensive period of interest being just before I suddenly and completely lose interest, there’s anything bad about this – apart from the fact it drives me nuts. Why? Because to some extent I don’t actually lose interest in whatever the subject is – I just find that I can’t find any enthusiasm for it (it’s hard to explain…) – and so, if I start to do something related to it then I quickly run out of energy and stop…..
I suppose it’s just another aspect of me I don’t quite understand. Like the whole CD’s in alphabetical order, with the CD the right way around in the case. It’s obviously not normal to spend upwards of 5 minutes trying to decide which way round a cd with complex artwork on it should go. I have the same problem with DVDs although in general they have the title printed on them a specific way up…..and oddly it only matters for my ownDVDs.
But what does this all mean? Do I have obsesive compulsive tendencies? Almost certainly…..is it a problem for me? no – I don’t think so – but it does worry me.
As does my continued inability to express my emotions as I’d like to. I don’t know how to – and sometimes I don’t know how to even know what feel. Sometimes it’s hard for me to unlock my emotions – they hide deep down within me, refusing to let me see or understand how or why I’m feeling the way I am.
*sigh* – I guess the thing to remember is that I wasn’t expecting the op to cure any ills, except my body related ones (and it has definately done an enormous amount in that respect) – so I’m almost of much of a screw up as I was 13 days ago!
On the body issue……it’s made an astounding difference. Before the op,
no-one (and I do mean no-one) saw me naked (except once, and that was by
accident as I scuttled from my room to the bathroom). I just couldn’t bear to
let anyone see the horrible, deformed mess that was my body (yes, I know that it
wasn’t actually deformed – but it felt that way). I was so ashamed of it. Now –
that has gone. I actually quite like my body now – I have some real
enthusiasm for getting fit, for reducing the size of my stomach, for eating
healthily, etc. Letting people see me naked – not an issue anymore. For the
first time in years my mum’s seen me nude, the nurses and care assistants in
hospital – I had no problem with. I can remember what I was like the first time
I went in to see Mike Royle – so shy, I just didn’t want him to see me….now I’m just so relaxed. It’s wonderful – after so long….
Anyway – I need another bath…..
13/11/01, 20:45
Gack, my knees just went crack….again…..
13/11/01, 22:30
On the back of (my 1979 edition of) “The World According to Garp” it includes ‘Women’s Wear Daily’ in the list of people & magazines that reviewed the book favourably. Is this a joke? Is it a oddly named serious literary magazine? Have I missed something important about American culture?
I finally managed to place what was familiar about the smell of Witch Hazel. It’s what the school “nurse” would put on cuts and grazes in my primary/junior school….’s funny how these smells invoke memories….
Anyway – a bit of good news about my dad….it seems that the chemotherapy guy is more hopeful of the chemo helping – he reckoned on a 50/50 chance of it helping. Which is the best odds we’ve got. It seems my dad’s case is of interest because despite extremely severe cancer he’s still fairly symptomless…..although oddly my mum has all the symptoms of cancer, and indeed has had them since roughly when the cancer is thought to have appeared.
Anyway – that’s some good news. I’m now going to go to sleep!
P.S. – Amy – please tell me about the whole pizza thing…..and the bed thing! *grin*.
—
Kate E