Well, Hmm. Should be doing Java – have actually been for about 20 mins, but am having trouble with my brain wandering. (Part of the problem is I’m essentially trying to re-write the stuff I wrote before, but nicer and neater – and every time I try my brain says “well, that should be in at least a seperate method, and probably in a separate class….and we could make it more efficent by doing X” so I’m trying to wait until I’ve settled a bit to think it through clearly – and see what I really want to do.
I’m also still deadly tired.
Anyway. I wanted to write a bit about being percieved as male in Little Chef, and I wanted to write about the stuff which happened on Saturday and my feelings and thoughts about that.
So, let’s start with Saturday. To some extent what happened with regards kissing and whatever is quite possibly my fault. Why do I think that? It’s not just a case of blaming myself – it’s knowledge gained from something which happened once before.
Way back when I first met my ex, before being a couple was directly mooted, one of my friends said to me words along the lines of “You’re a chronic flirt you know” and went on to comment on how I was flirting with her….Now I hadn’t realised I was doing this. It hadn’t crossed my mind to flirt, certainly not at any concious level. But next time she came around I ended up sort of watching myself. Not quite an out of body experience (<g>), but a sort of…well, just watching my behaviour.
And I was flirting. Now, from a sort of outside view it was obvious that I was flirting. But actually, try as I might I couldn’t stop myself. I just did it – and it was odd and slightly disturbing becuase I didn’t feel totally in control.
Now I suspect the same thing may well have been happening on Saturday night. I may well have been unconciously flirting with (quite possibly anyone near me)…The idea that I might be doing this does disturb me slightly though. Because if I am flirting then it’s the kind of thing which could get me into a situation I couldn’t handle.
I was with friends, and good people on Saturday night – so I was safe as it were. But in the real world it’s a bit different….so I think I’m going to have to watch that.
There was another aspect to it too. I know I’m not really ready for any kind of relationship. I want one but that doesn’t make me ready. I do want to be able to roll over and hug someone in the morning. I want to snuggle up to someone. But I’m simply too neurotic for any relationship to work. No one could cope with me falling apart the way I do quite so regularly – I mean, for example, becuase I’m tired atm I’m moody. I keep slipping near to tears for no good reason.
Although I’m finally beginning to feel a bit more comfortable with myself….and not hate myself the way I used to. I’m also beginning, just beginning to relax in the company of people I don’t know. I can now do one-on-one conversations fairly well, and managed some speech when I was out on Saturday. Not much, but some is better than none…
Another minor point is that despite being bi, I’m more “interested” in women…so attention from blokes, though nice is not quite what I’m after atm. I’m maybe not quite ready for that….(and there is someone I am very attracted to atm, but we’re not going to say who).
And now onto the incident in the little chef. And infact a bit of a witter on the whole ‘passing’ thing. Right. Yes…
When it happened, I was sat there eating my breakfast and I was quite upset to be honest. I’d passed all day saturday – not one person (at least no-one I’d heard) had called me “he” and so I was feeling pretty good! I’d even managed to maintain a conversation with a couple on the underground – and so was feeling pretty smug I suppose.
The “sir” on Sunday morning was somewhat of a shock to my rather happy mood then, and left me feeling rather distraught. What was I doing differently? I was dressed virtually the same (the teeshirt being pale blue instead of white – that was the only difference). I wondered if I’d not shaved as well, but then again I had passed on Saturday night, over 12 hours after I shaved. So that didn’t seem likely.
I have no idea what it was that made her say “sir” or the other waitress say “madam, sorry Sir”. I wish I did. The fact it happened I cannot deny, and it makes me feel quite sad. But less so than it could. Not just because I had a generally good day on Sunday but because I stopped on the way home from Aoifes, (I needed the loo, okay!), and got no odd looks for using the ladies, not one…so…what does it say overall? What does it mean? I don’t know. It’s just odd..It’s not like I behaved any differently in the Little Chef, it’s not like it was my voice, because she said sir before I’d spoken…..
So well. Urk….
And here’s another question….my dad just rang from work to suggest I make desert!!! Gah! I mean, he’s asked me to cook dinner many times before…but this is going too far….
Anyway, back to Java – although I need to get a card for someone….