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03/02/02, 17:02

Well, it’s been a while since the iPAQ was used for doing diary entries…but I’m currently sat in a hospital room, my dad’s, while my dad sleeps – my mum’s here as well. He is looking much better than last week, and even better than the week before – mostly thanks to my mothers pro-active approach to hospital care.

I suppose I’ve reverted to being less scared about my dad, or possibly more hopeful, I’m not sure which it is. When I came here last week it seemed likely that it might be my lasn chance to see him. I was really struggling to cope – because the last thing my mother needs right now is for her to have to deal with me falling apart. This week things seem more hopeful; he’s eating again and there’s even tentative suggestions of date to go home….

This, I suppose, has relaxed me somewhat, but like friday night, I’m feeling this complete inability to relax. I feel very tense, wound up….

So, it’s been ages since I wrote anything. Well, quite a while anyway….I’m trying to think of all the things I should ramble about. My Morris Minor, Rebecca is finished, apparently, I’m off to pay for the restoration next week….as of yesterday Nina’s also back on the road…it appears that my local garage let me down rather badly, they said the golf needed welding, but apparently it didn’t – but anyway, new petrol tank, filler neck and coil spring (123ukp including fitting….) and we’re almost ready for the MOT. Still need an exhaust fitted, but ATS wanted a staggering amount for that….

Further oddities regarding my cars engine….(you remember, the registered as a 1500, no engine number, stamped 1.6, takes 1600 timing, requires a rare gearbox), apparently it’s got the 1500 exhaust….makes you wonder about it really…

So, that was an entertaining afternoon; haring around bristol’s environs trying to sort out car related stuff….

But what of friday, the day I couldn’t relax….what happened?

Sometimes my dads speech is slurred…he seems to be so tired all the time….it scares me….mind you, seeing him eat, that’s good….

Back to friday, lots of things, anyway I was taking Lauren back to her parents whilst simultaneously going for my post op appointment with the illustrious Mike Royle….the weather forecast for the day was fairly dismal, actually it was awful, rain and gales were expected.

So annnnyway, we’re heading down to Brighton in the ropey Cavalier (anyone want to buy it? No? Thought not….) chatting, and it occurs to me, again, that there’s something odd about some of the conversations with Lauren. When she’s talking to me I usually get very strong images in my head, it feels like memories, it’s hard to explain; they’re very strong images – like really strong memories, which feel familiar, but at the same time I can’t explain where I’ve seen them – or even if I’ve seen them.

Although the answer to the really strong owl-esque image that popped into my head when we were talking about owls (I’ll maybe explain some other time about that) – i.e. where I’d seen it, or at least what my brain has filled in as the remainder of the image has just come to me – although whether I’m really remembering something or whether I’m just imagining stuff, or making it up, or if they’re images from a dream….I can’t tell.

Incidentally, the answer is, large, very, almost artificially clear owls face looming, definately looming over me when I was in bed in Westridge Close. It’s bizarre, when we were first discussing it, in the car a while ago, all I saw was the face of an owl. Well, it was a slightly ‘humanisied’ owl (I can’t really explain what I mean). Anyway I’d not thought of it since then, except to think it was a bit odd that this image lept so strongly into my head, until I was writing this when the “whole” image lept into my mind complete with background and all….

Accompanied by almost heart stopping terror, which, as quickly as it came went away.

I’ve completely lost the thread of what I was thinking about. I have a feeling that this was a tangent to it, but I’m really not sure…hang on…..

Okay, so Lauren and I are having these odd conversations where I get lots of images in my head…and we get down to Brighton, for my Royle appointment. Having got there a mere 5 minutes late (we’d’ve been on time if it weren’t for Brightons ‘don’t signpost any B-roads, ever’ policy). Having checked me over, prodded and poked a fair bit and the great:

[prod] [sharp intake of breath by me] [“oh, you have got sensation”]

He proclaimed me probably okay. But to come back if the slight bleeding I get hadn’t dissappeared in a few weeks.

Anyway, so we got to Brighton and the weather was not exactly as forecast – i.e. it was dry. Windy, yes, but also dry. Aaaarrrggghhh! I don’t have my camera with me purely because I thought it’d be raining hard all day.

Lauren and I wandered down Palace/Brighton pier ending in one of those fantastic moments.

Kissing on a pier with the wind roaring around us….

So, I’m slowly going nuts ‘cos I just keep seeing pictures I want to take, and eventually I decide to go and find a cheap second hand SLR. Having located an Ifbaflex T1000 (nasty cheap 70s Japanese SLR) I then ran through 73 photographs with amazing speed….and Lauren even put up with this appaulingly antisocial behaviour!

Anyway, this all left me rather hyper, if you know what I mean, and by the time I’d got home, the Cav really didn’t like that journey, mind you the rain probably washed off the worst of the salt…

Incidentally, driving the Golf’s reminded me just how bad-er driving experience the Cav really is. I’m not convinced it’s that bad for a cavalier, I just suspect they’re incredibly dull cars.

….I really just couldn’t relax….which is how I am at the moment….

—

Kate E

20^th January 2002, 08:30

I have this little box in my head. Well, it’s quite a big box. Silver it is.
Metal corners, probably wooden in the middle, I’m not sure what it’s made of
exactly, I’ve never looked that closely. And since it’s just an image I’ve
counjoured up. Well, I don’t know how much the details matter.

This is the box where I put all my problems. All the things I can’t deal
with, all the things which I don’t have the strength to work out, or which are
causing me problems.

Other people seem to use walls, for much the same purpose.

Some days though, it gets hard to put that stuff in there. It seems to always
be very full, and I’m always trying to squash the lid on and hold it on lest
something get out. It’s always a fight to keep it shut, because when it does
open and it’s something I’m not ready to cope with – it’s usually bad.

It’s trying to open again. Well, maybe it’s just getting too full.

My dad’s ill, well, obvious that, he’s got cancer, he’s going to be ill. But,
no, he’s more ill. They’re maybe going to have to take him into hospital again,
because he can’t eat, or drink at the moment.

I guess I was and am trying to be optimistic, it’s the only way I can survive
I guess – just by being optimistic. But, whenever anything bad happens it hits
really hard.

I don’t know whether I should be preparing for him to die, and I don’t want
to, because if I start to try to do that I just fall apart. And I need to be
there for my mum, and my dad, should he want to talk.

Sometimes, coping is all I can manage to do. Now is one of those times.

—

Kate E

17^th January 2002, 00:41

Hrm, it seems my brain has decided to have a go at me. One of it’s usual
speeches. As you can probably tell, it’s not really got to me yet, I guess I’m
not tired enough, I’m just hoping that it’ll not get to me later….

—

Kate E

16^th January 2002. 12:18:09.

Well, I’ve updated the afp pages, or at least I will have actually finished uploading the pictures and so on by the time I’ve done this, and hopefully the actual web-pages too. I’ve used PNG’s on one of the pages, blame Peter if you don’t like pngs – who viciously attacked me for my use of JPEGs ;-)

Yes.

[Thinks] he really ought to have a link from my links page. Hrm. Maybe update that in a bit, depends if any work drifts my way. I also need to do some stuff for the shop website, but I want to wait until k’s about to see how she fancies tackling it.

Anyway, so, onto what’s been going on. Well, I’ve also updated the MZ pages – quite dramatically. Hrm, my left hand’s starting to ache in that “oooh, I’m going to really start hurting in a bit” way.

Oh yes, that’s one of the things I was going to ramble about, my bones. They hurt. It’s really beginning to worry me somewhat. Both my knees are hurting, my back’s aching. I’m not sure why, it just seems to be hurting – perhaps it’s lack of exercise, I’ll go out in a bit and see if I can find a sports-shop in Stroud, and get a swimming costume if I can find one.

And some lunch.

I seem to have had this sodding sore throat for a couple of days now. Grrowl.

My bike, as you’ll see if you’ve read my nice shiny MZ rebuild page, is knackered again. The electrics on it have died, fortunately they perked back up with alot of wiggling and prodding so I could get the bike home, then they semi-died one turning before home (the relay was clicking over, but the indicators weren’t flashing). Yet again, they’ve perked back up having been left for a few days – but that’s it for the electrics, they’ve given me grief once too often.

So, it’s goodbye to the Mechanical regulator and every last inch of that bikes wiring. I’ve had enough of fiddling with it and being let down by it. It’s the very last thing that seems to have suffered, but then allowing an insane monkey with a inline-fuse and connector block fetish rewire it (as has clearly happened at some point in the past) never does electrics any good.

But that leads me onto my next bit of ramble.

Actually, that leads me to lunch.

14:23:24

Okay, I’m back from lunch….right. Hrm.

Yes, so, my bike needs rewiring, but not as per the original spec – ‘cos it’s getting an electronic revcounter (well, hopefully, we managed to kill the kit I bought because the stuff we potted it in (B&Q; silicone sealant) contains something conductive – despite not mentioning it), and it’s got electronic ignition, and an electronic regulator. However.

The explanation of how to fit an electronic regulator describes the process for a Lucas NCB403, I think. Anyway, whatever it is Lucas don’t make that part anymore, instead they supply a “compatible” one made by CarGo. Only, just to be confusing, the CarGo one has a different set of connectors on it, which makes things a *little* more complicated.

So I sat down, wiring diagram as it should be, ‘simplified’ wiring diagram from the MZ-Tech website, the instructions for fitting an electronic alternator, a pen and some paper.

The intention being to go from a wiring diagram to a written set of connections. Basically, you know, Alternator DF to Regulator DF to Fusebox 15A to whatever. You get the picture. Anyway, it took me hours to work out which connections were which on the sodding regulator, and then further hours to actually reach any kind of understanding of the circuit diagram.

It was depressing, really, really depressing. Okay, so I’ve not looked at a circuit diagram for years, but still, I shouldn’t be having so much trouble with a very basic circuit.

My brain just doesn’t seem to work anymore, it was like, a few weeks back I was, briefly, on the ball – and I could feel it. I could actually think. It wasn’t like swimming in treacle. I could come up with witty responses to things. My problem solving abilites reappeared. I’d forgotten what it felt like. Even at uni this stuff was clearly coming and going. I mean, I had bursts of being able to think fast and clearly and periods when I couldn’t. But normally sitting there and just battling through stuff slowly would result in my brain kind of firing, like an unreliable car, on a couple of cylinders and then slowly limping fully into life.

But that doesn’t seem to work anymore. However hard I try and force it it just won’t come. It worries me. I hadn’t realised how much I’d lost becuase I hardly ever do anything that involves intelligence, I just vegitate. *sigh*

I seem to struggle with stuff that I can see is simple. Stuff I can see that I can do – but I just don’t seem to be able to grasp it. It’s like as I found myself I lost the rights to being bright. Of course, you have to start to wonder if you were ever bright – did I just work harder at learning than I do now?

Gah.

Oh well.

Anyway. By the way, it’s best if when you’re looking for a shop you look at the actual contents of the shop and don’t just barge past going “no, it wasn’t called that”. Because that leads you to waste an hour in stroud on a trip that should have taken 10 minutes.

Gah.

—

Kate

7^th January 2001, 12:59:59.

Well, I thought it was probably time I wrote something again, I’m feeling staggeringly tired, despite getting about 7 hours sleep last night, or was it 6. Probably 6 – I’m still not caught up – not aided by going to a party at the weekend.

I’ve really got to stop going to these tranny do’s, in fact I think I’ll promise myself here and now not to repeat it. I don’t mind going to things were there are multiple TG people, that’s fine. But going to a specifically TG party is not something I enjoy. No. It’s just people I have nothing but a medical condition in common with – which means that the conversation keeps drifting around to sodding TS/IS/TG stuff. Gah.

Okay, sometimes I want to talk about this stuff – but generally not when I’ve gone out for a party. No.

Ah well, you learn these things I guess.

*yawn*

I also seem to have done my knee in somewhat – although I’m not sure how, or how badly. Never mind. So. Anyway, I was going to ramble – I’ve still got a bit of work to do, which I’ve promised Nikki’ll be done by the end of the week. But, well, right now I don’t really feel like it – I’ve spent the last few hours researching the cost of second hand Mac kit, water rates, rates, poking around looking to see if I could find a cheap, legal copy of Impression Publisher (I couldn’t). Having another quick looksie for large format printers, and the like.

I’m really beginning to feel much more positive about the chances of this shop coming off. Anyway, with that in mind I bought a keyboard this weekend. Korg X5 anybody? Christ those things are complicated – I’m used to a piano for christs sake! Anyway, so I’ve found this in my search for some music – ‘cos I can’t play without music. Yes, yes, I’m crap, I know.

Anyway, I was very good. I didn’t buy an electric guitar – despite wanting one and it being a useful thing for the shop – although this was more due to the cheap one having disappeared.

Soo. Yes.

You know it’s odd – having the people around me read this is kind of strange – especially when they do it when I’m in the sodding room!. No. I mean, I never really expected anyone to read this – it was just my random wibbling which I stuck on the internet – I mean, my first site, 400 visitors in 3 years. 4 years really. Barely anyone.

I didn’t really think that this site would be so much vastly more popular – and I didn’t really think anyone’d be interesting in the random neurotic thoughts of a 20something ts. It’s not like I’ve got a fantastic writing style, or that I’m particularly interesting. It can’t be, because I’m not.

Perhaps I’m more open in here than a lot of people expect – I dunno, whatever it is, it’s odd because I never expected to meet anyone who’d read it. I dunno. It’s very odd.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop doing this of course. I think I’m addicted to having a pointless huge website. Which, you’ll have to agree covers this monstrosity.

Again, the thought that I really ought to fix it up and sort out the diary entry section so it actually, well, was sesibly structured and had search facilities, and so on…..occurs. But I still can’t quite be arsed.

—

Kate

1^st January 2002, 00:41

Happy New Year! 23531 hits…..

I think that calls for a song….

B .left;

.left ROR r0,r0,#1;

LD hips, {hands};

LD r1, {knees};

BL tighten;

[Thanks there to kira]

Can you guess what it is yet?

—

Kate E

Hrm, I’ll have to fix the index tomorrow….but look, the copyright notice
is correct!

31^th December 2001, 12:40

Oh, shit, it’s NYE, well, NYA I suppose, you’re probably all expecting
something deep and meaningful from me. Oh, no, you know me by now so…you’re
probably expecting something depressing? Ah…well….

No, actually, despite the fact that L is ill….(*sigh*), I’m still feeling
very positive at the moment. I’m not sure how long it’s going to last, but I
really *do* feel positive. I get this vague sensation that my whole life is
slowly coming together. Yes, it’s still rather a state. I’ve not strictly got a
job, and I’m soon to be very, very broke. And so on. But still.

I have plans, I have people I care about, yes. Definately slowly improving.
Remind me to look at this entry when I’m next depressed.

Hrm, I’m also hungry….

Anyway, so, Happy New Year, when it arrives, to everyone (let’s check out
that hit counter….23521…not bad). How did that survey go? Well – let’s see:
survey
results.

Okay, that didn’t go *quite* as I intended. Currently standing at 60%
thinking I looked like an anime character. Yes. Hrm. And 30% thinking I didn’t
look like an anime character – the no-answer was me, checking it was working and
being too lazy to delete the result ;-)

I suppose I should put myself down as a No, I didn’t look like an anime
character, but annoyingly I can see what these people were thinking when they
said it. Gits. :-)

Anyway, so, onto the tests, don’t blame me, this is all ‘cos of Amy who keeps pointing these tests
out to me. So. On with the results:

You’re a very open and adventurous person, you’ve been around the block and back several times. Yet, as all people do, you realize that this life style cannot go on forever and need to settle down. Hopefully as more time progresses you’ll stick to one gender and not be so greedy! Take The “Which Kevin Smith Female Are You?” Quiz!!

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

Take the What Should Your New Year’s Resolution Be? Quiz

Yes. So. Apparently I’m Alyssa/Kanga who should become a homeless wanderer. I
wonder what you could glean by sticking together all the different quizzes I’ve
done over time – probably a great deal of completely useless information. Then
again, this website consists of about 42Mb of useless information (yes folks,
inculding the images, it really *is* that big).

You know, it occurs that I’ve been remarkably prolific. I mean, I don’t know
what the average number of entries is – and no, I’m not going to work it out,
but it can’t be that far below 1 per day – given my occasional bursts of 2 or
3 a day.

I dunno, it’s a bit hard to say. And no. I’m quite definately not going to
work it out.

Anyway, so. What are my New Year’s Resolutions? I dunno. I tried to think of
some but I really couldn’t think of any. There’s nothing I do to excess – apart
from getting depressed, which I guess I’ll try and avoid.

It’s odd, I feel *really* positive when I get up, but usually, by the evening
I’m feeling much less positive.

Hrmph.

Anyway, I’m going to stop rambling now, ‘cos this is a particularly
meaningless diary entry.

—

Kate E

25^th December 2001, 23:12.

Well, it’s been an odd xmas day/eve. I suppose a quick rundown of what I got for Xmas? Well – A picture, this one’s a bit hard to describe – its a watercolour of a building and of a architectural drawing of it – apparently it’s from the late 19th century. Anyway, I like it :-)

A copy of Stephen Fry’s new book, a photograph album, some incense, I think that’s it. It’s downstairs in the lounge (well, there was a packet of shortbread and something else…Oh, yes, an excercise book – a small hint from my mother there then).

Anyway, so, I’m sat here with RSI, waiting for a tape to be sampled….and then encoded. Can I just moan for a second? EAC – Exact Audio Copy, is the only piece of software I’ve got on this machine which can record from the Line in on this soundcard. Okay, so I record a track and say “Convert to MP3”. Argh! I’ve set it to 256kbps, and for this track 128kbps is more than enough (it’s speech). So I hit Cancel conversion…does it just stop conversion? No. It also deletes the original Wav file.

*sigh*

Which is actually why you’re getting a diary entry. I wasn’t going to do it now – I was feeling lazy. But because I’m stuck here trying to do this one more time – just to check it works ‘fore tomorrow.

Anyway, so.

It’s kind of been stressful – nice, but stressful. It’s scary, because my dad is beginning, no, more than beginning, he’s showing distinct chemotherapy related problems. I suppose I’m still used to him being so completely well, all the time. And he’s not anymore. Although it sounds like the chemo is helping. I’m hoping that it’s working. Godess I’m hoping that it’s working.

It’s also been kind of hard because John was here, John is my little Nephew – and he was being very well behaved – and very sweet….and of course I start thinking about the fact I can’t have kids.

Which is fairly unhealthy. So I’ve been on IRC trying not to think about it – and encoding this ancient (well, okay, about 6 y/o) radio program….

*sigh* I felt so lonely last night, missing k, R and L. *sigh*

I think that might be why I’m avoiding going to bed. I don’t want to go to bed alone, again. It’s so much worse than being alone in Brizzle, because in brizzle if I’m on my own I can hear k and R…

Anyway, I’m hungry. And tired. And it’s nearly finished encoding.

—

Kate E

21^th December 2001, 18:43

Well, hrm. What can I say….

It’s getting very near to xmas, like *really* near. And we know what that
means…it’s that time of year when I look at page-hits. Yes.

Well, actually, given that this site has only been here for, what, 2 years.
(Good godess, it’s been that long!). Erm, yes, so, it’s a bit hard to do major
page stats. Anyway, so:

Well, there you go. Over the 3 years that this wasn’t Kate’s Cavern we got
approximately 400 staggering hits. Then, all of a sudden it lept up to over 10k
when Kate’s Cavern was born. Then it seems to have managed a staggering 6k a
year. Well, okay, it’s hardly staggering, but it’s moderately suprising for a
crappy little personal webpage on the edge of existance.

Anyway, so, this will probably be my last entry before Xmas, and maybe even
before New year, when, yet again I suppose I’ll do my rundown of what’s happened
this year. And I promise I’ll try harder to make it through the year without
resorting to “and then this happened and then this happened and then this
happened”….

So, I’ll take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry
Non-Faith-Based-Holiday and a happy New Year.

—

Kate E

God that felt good.

You’ve got to love MZ’s. It’s cold, it’s been pissing down with rain/sleet all night, it’s damp, there’s been ice on the saddles. The bike’s been stood for a month and a half and not started once in that time.

You give it 8 priming kicks, more than usual, but a desperate attempt to make up for the fact that the tank is half full of water. Kick. Nothing. Kick. Nothing. Kick-cough-riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingningnignignignigning-riiiingningnignignignig-riiiiiing-nig-nig-nig-nig….

You pull off in a cloud of two-stroke fumes and up the road….

Out onto open country lanes, white with salt, the air is crisp and dry. Steam obscures your vision as you breathe out….

Open the throttle………30..40..50…55….60…..65…..70 and you cruise along….slowly freezing to death with this enormous grin of satisfaction on your face.

30 miles later you pull in to work, still with an enormous grin on your face, your fingers frozen to the handlebars, but insanely happy…

Anyway, so that was my afternoon.

This morning – we went to look at the shop that we want to rent, maybe, and it does look good, lots of work, but still…

Anyway, so some of yesterday was spent doing this. Which amused me, if no one else.

And now…

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.”

Watson says: “I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

There’s a pause, then a second later Holmes replies: “Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent … ”

Yes.

That’ll do…

—

Kate E