Blog

[attempt 2: my mum manged to kick the powersupply for my laptop across the floor, disconneccting it, and causing the frustrating loss of an entire diary entry; I really ought to get a battery for my laptop, but while the screen disppears into flickery greyness regularly there’s not a great deal of enthusiasm for that as a concept]

There’s been some discussion in the media about the smoking cesation programmes – and anti smoking advertising in both the US and here; people saying that they believe that government’s should not be involved in the health of the citizens of the nation (which is a concept I find bizarre) – indeed one person today was decrying the laws which say people have to wear seatbelts, and crash helmets; I ask him to work in A&E for a while and watch the destruction of families when someone does fly through a screen; or comes off a bike wearing the bear minimum bike gear; and see whether he feels so certain that individual choice is the correct decision after that.
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My mind is somewhat of a dark and dangerous place to inhabit. Left to my own devices I will find myself, unless I keep myself occupied, pondering my place in the universe, my own insignificance, and to a degree my own ‘failings’.
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’tis a day filled with sunshine and light; outside the birds fly freely basking in the heady solar glow, inside the light casts different shadows, making the world outside seem distant and unreal. Separate.

My father continues to be unable to eat or drink; and maintains his stance in denial of his illness; “i will get better” he says though he eats not; denial is a strange state with no logic nor sense to it. Disregarding all facts, denial takes from it’s owner the acceptance so hard gained and leaves instead a state of unreality. A place where the death of one’s self is not to occur.
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Tonight is dark; by which I mean simply that the night is black, appropriate as that is. I have spent some of today with my father, and some of today with myself. The darkness to which I earlier succumbed has not lifted, but altered in its way; leaving me quiescent. I lay alone tonight; something I do not take to well. The absence of Trey is a gulf of emotion I dare not enter, my mood tonight being so dark.

My father is losing an impossible battle. His body is weak; it has fought for him these four long years; and probably seven before. Its exhaustion is writ large for those who have eyes to see it. The dullness of his skin and the weariness in his voice. His mind demands life; but I fear that his body is not long able to aquesce.

Tonight he brought up all that he drank throughout the afternoon; it was little enough; so little as to barely sustain life anyway. But now even that dignity is gone. He cannot choose when he goes, his heart remains strong, but nought else remains untouched by disease.

Tomorrow I will swim, and another day will be had, I fear how many more shall be had with my father alive.

So, does anyone read these back dated entries, incidentally? Could I just fill them with “babble babble blah blah” and have no one notice? Apart from me…?

Bleh.

So, I’m knackered. Really, really knackered. I’m way overdrawn (over my limit, woo, go me). I’ve got no money coming in for another….week. I’m spending money on myself. Fuckit. Really, fuckit.

No, anyway, that’s not what I want to write about. Yesterday John made the mistake of mentioning that he’d seen a “shiny” bike abandoned in a hedge in Duchess Park. Which was, um, a mistake. So; I checked out the procedure for recovering abandoned vehicles and, without too much hastle, produced the:
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So, I was a bit slow getting going this morning. Sanding the table yesterday really took it out of me. I’ve only got one more ‘leaf’ to go; and the frame. Then it’s on to stain-and-varnish (‘ray!).

So, taking a break from that this morning I instead…

– Drove to the bank. Paying in cheques in USD from Russian people requires a form more than worthy of the 140 quid my parents will be getting (minus p+p). (more…)

2005 Results

This is fantastic… go look.

Well, semi voluntarily. As I said, there are no shifts this month at the UBHT hospitals for HCAs, although there might be if I rung every day – but I need a break.

Emotionally I need time and space.

I’ve got the court case this month – I’ve got piles of university work – and my dad is very very sick and I’m going to go back home soon to spend time there. So. Break. I. Need. A. Break.
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You scored as Existentialist. Existentialism emphasizes human capability. There is no greater power interfering with life and thus it is up to us to make things happen. Sometimes considered a negative and depressing world view, your optimism towards human accomplishment is immense. Mankind is condemned to be free and must accept the responsibility. Existentialist 94% Materialist 75% Cultural Creative 69% Postmodernist 63% Modernist 56% Romanticist 25% Fundamentalist 19% Idealist 13%

What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com

Okay.

I’ve just found out what the “FUNDS TRANSFER” which has been going out of my account – most months, for the past few months, is. It’s been one of those things, because I’ve been making my bills I just assumed it was something I’d set up and forgotten about; a payment to Telewest perhaps, or nPower, or some similar thing.

But no. Oh no. This is money that’s been taken from my account – as far as I am aware without my permission by my business account manager. Or some minion there of. To pay off the loan to my ex-partnership – where I’ve already paid off half the fucking loan. The other half should be in debt management with my ex-business partner but ‘oddly’ they keep getting the wrong documents.

I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to get around to sorting this out, and I’m furious, raging, & incredibly angry that they’ve deemed it ‘acceptable’ to take money from my account without my permission (aka steal). I’m waiting for a call back from my ‘esteemed’ business account manager (the one who’d rather I go into debt management and they get fuck-all-back overall than actually take a decsion).

This is, as far as I’m concerned, theft. And I hope to hell I can get this fucking money back.