My mind is somewhat of a dark and dangerous place to inhabit. Left to my own devices I will find myself, unless I keep myself occupied, pondering my place in the universe, my own insignificance, and to a degree my own ‘failings’.
Today has been just such a day, deprived of the comforts of home, deprived of the distractions of a life lived, and the comfort of my beloved, I find myself dwelling on the various decisions which have brought me to where I am and considering where I will go from here. Each and every second, if you believe one of the many theories of our existance, decisions are made which separate each universe from the next; the many and various universi (ses) playing out every possible outcome of every possible decision. Every moment in time decides your future.
I have felt the impact of those moments. I have paused en-route to change into tougher bike gear because the weather was inclement; and carried on when I knew I should have stopped – and in this universe at least; I slid down the centre lane of a motorway; and by incredible good fortune I survived (and so, suprisingly, did my bike).
A fraction of a second separated me from a destiny in which I died; a universe in which my part ceased to be an active one – although the death of one person is never without ripples which may have their effect felt years later.
What I make, or don’t make of my life. What I do, or don’t do, I have only myself to answer to; it is my decision to make and my life to lead.
But that doesn’t make it obvious which path to take. To steal a term, I have not yet made my marque, and though it is a marque paid for purely in love, for deeds given in love, it is a debt I shall never be able to repay. And so I stay here and I do so out of love (and would do so regardless), I understand that I am greatly indebted to my family; I find myself closer than ever to my family. What I do, I do out of love, love and gratitude for my parents open mindedness and caring.
My feelings are sometimes hard to understand; and sharp, like thorns, they dig into my brain. Causing me repeatedly to come back and consider my life; perhaps this is no bad thing though. Something to keep my higher moments in check.
