Category: General

It occured to me that I’m prejudice. Not in the racist/classist/educationist sense. I’m really kinda open about that stuff. But about America.

I’ve never been there, all the Americans I’ve met in person I’ve liked, but I still find it really hard to actually be nice about the place. And to admit that something there might be better than here? Gawd no.

So, in the name of personal knowledge I’m gonna try and over come (‘we shall over come’) – you’d think with my girlfriend being half ‘merkian, my good friend Kate – my friend’s Partner being ‘merkian, I’d’ve got over it by now. But no.

I’m better than I used to be. But it’s harder than you’d think to overcome a lifetime of believing that America is the root of all evil. I do, I’ll admit, find it hard becuase I disagree really strongly with a lot of the culture over there – or at least what I *see* of the culture over there (seems very money orientated, environmentally irresponsible, consumerist and access to healthcare for the poor sucks). And obviously because they keep cancelling the shows I like (Dead Like Me, Wonderfalls), fucking with the ones they keep (The L Word does *not* need a straight fucking bloke), and yet manage to produce endless, endless Simpsons Episodes (it was good, now it just makes me want to scream (3 hours. 3 fucking hours. Almost every day. Bloody Sky) ;-)

Anyway, so I’m gonna try to be nicer and more open minded. And now I’m going to go to uni.

Actually, it’s my DVD drive. All that struggling with my CD-Rs? It’s my DVD drive. My poor little pioneer. Aww. Still, as long as it still does DVDs then we’re okay.

I guess it’s suprising how quickly audio CD-Rs die. My mp3.com ones are sick already, well, I say already, but I guess they’re all about 7 years old. Most irritating though is the CD-Rs of the Albums I own on vinyl. For example Salad’s “Drink Me” – which seems to be uh, somewhat sick.

It’s okay up until track 8, then it all goes down hill. Oddly that’s where a lot of the CD-Rs seem to go downhill. I wonder if it’s my DVD Drive getting sick. It does make some ‘unfortunate’ clunking noises now and then.

Ah well. I’ll try re-ripping it using the CD-RW. Meh.

is not where I want to be. Whatever I’m doing. It’s not what I want to be doing. My mind won’t focus. One minute I’m thinking about my dad. Next minute I’m thinking about…

Well here: Thinking about my dad, look at picture on wall, note little ‘this is X circa Y’ tag, think about how it’s a guess, think about Guy’s description of a trip to the Tate, notice that they’re doing ‘surgery’ in Star Trek on telly (sound off), think about ECGs, laugh at ECGs on telly…

It’s like that.

My friends have been fantastic. But whereever I am is not where I want to be.

The only thing I’ve managed to do was wash my bike. Don’t ask me why I did it, I just did. She’s very shiny now. Unfortunately I’ve found that the bottom of the frame needs welding; it’s a real mess – rusty as shite down there.

I’ve watched Ellen, some of The Comic Strip, a bit of Wizard People Dear Reader and Invader Zim. I hate feeling so lost. I just want…. something.

I feel like my last post made it sound like I was disappointed in my dad for ‘giving up’. I’m incredibly proud of him for making the choice. For so long I’ve not known what or why he was doing what he was doing. He just seemed so unhappy. To know what he *wants* and that he’s made that decision. That’s kind of a good thing. I don’t want him to suffer for me. That’s never what I want(ed).

Today I decided to take care of myself. In a rare change from my normal behaviour… I stopped on the way into uni, turned round and came home.

Why?

Because yesterday, my mum informed me that my dad had decided that if this operation does not work, or that the surgeon decides he’s can’t do it, then he wishes to die. He’s only kept fighting this long for me and my mum, and he’s given up.

I need some time and space to deal with this. So today is for me.

So, uh, yeah.

Yesterday.

Right, well. It’s very odd. This house feels more like a home now, a month in, than the old house felt like during our entire tenancy. I feel much more comfortable here. Although it’s odd. I think the ‘days when we’ve not had friends staying’ could actually be counted on one hand – this is most definately not a complaint. Just weird… It was odd for the few hours on Friday night ‘twixt Kate and Nikki leaving and James arriving on Saturday it seemed very quiet… and empty… and hrm. It’s odd anyway. It’s going to be odd when Nikki and Kate get a place down in Brizzy and aren’t kipping in the spare room during the week!

But it’s not just Nikki and Kate, we’ve had Other Nikki and Chrissy, and Emma, and now James. It’s been like a permanent dilute party! ;-)

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Uh, another scan of a diary entry. This one was written in a lecture… (more…)

Well, okay, the chickens were a lie.

I’m in a very odd phase of my life at the moment, it seems. I’m getting a lot of what I want, and it’s making me very happy – despite the fact that my dad is very seriously unwell (he’s barely eating at the moment, awaiting a surgical intervention).

I’ve got the placement I want, the big project is actually back on track – indeed, substantially more than back on track; if it comes of then it will be far bigger than either Nikki or I thought it would be. I’ve been doing well on my course (75% in the last assignment). One of my other private projects I’ve been chatting to someone about expanding – and we met up yesterday and seemed to be on pretty much the same wavelength – which is cool; ‘s kinda reinvigorated me with regard to it.
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