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  • 11-13th Oct 2000

    13th Oct 2000, 10:00

    I have for once decided to pull a page. Not because I don’t feel what I wrote in it, but I feel bad because I put my friends in an unacceptable position. That of having to choose between two people. This I shouldn’t have done and I regret it.

    My feelings may still be there, but I don’t feel I have the right to make people choose.

    11th Oct 2000, 1503

    I’ve been editing this now for 40 minutes. 40 minutes when I should have been making my Java work…The anger which I felt has abated, I’ve relaxed. I’m still emensely pissed off, but my mind has wandered a bit, and I’m feeling a little more normal.

    But I said many moons ago – I will not edit these diary entries, I will put up my thoughs such as they are though I may tone them down while editing once saved no change shall be made apart from spelling corrections.

    So, below are my thoughts (well, they’re actually on another page)…but bear in mind they although similar to what I’m thinking – are not actually what I feel right now.

    11th Oct 2000, 1420 / 1450

    Friends of my Ex may not want to read this one, I’m sorry that I gave in and wrote this, but she attacked me again today and I’m fed up of it.

    And to my ex: I don’t give a damn what you think now. You’ve pushed me too far – too often for me to care about you. You or your demands for censorship rights to my diary when I comment on what you’ve said or done. Though now maybe I see why you wanted them. Don’t bother contacting me. I’m not interested anymore.

  • 13th Oct 2000, 0956

    I awoke this morning (about 8 o’clock) to a general feeling of depression. A feeling which has only got worse as the day has worn on. I’m nearly 2 hours into it, I’ve nearly been in tears twice and I feel so generally down I want to hide in a corner.

    To top it off my mum had a go at me while I was (attempting) to cook breakfast (disaster that that was)….just because she’s in a bad mood. I’m fed up of being stuck here in the middle of nowhere, I’m fed up of not having freedom, I’m fed up of my life.

    I want to curl up in a corner and hide, but I can’t I should be doing Java. But becuase of the crap layout of my desk my RSI has made a fairly strong comeback (I used to get it in my right hand at Uni if I didn’t support my arms when typing. Now I’ve got it in my left hand to the extent that it’s painful now. It didn’t hurt when I started typing (although it was twinging in a “going to hurt” sort of way)).

    And I’ve finally pulled a page from my diary. I did this of my own volition – it wasn’t because of anything else except my own feelings that I should not have put my friends in the postition I did. Of having to choose between me and my ex.

    I may never wish to have contact with her but to make my friends choose as well, that was unfair and I regret that.

    I’ve not felt this down for a while. I feel lonely – stuck out here with no human contact, and just so utterly depressed at my inability to get away from here. Before, when I had a job, I couldn’t afford even a single bedsit type thing. Now, with no job I can’t even dream of such things.

    Well, I’m off to try and persuade myself to do Java. And probably more accurately curl up and hide.

  • 12th October 2000, 2037.

    There was stuff I wanted to write. There was stuff I wanted to say about managing to cheer up after yesterday. I wanted to say what a good time I had last night and how I was truly beginning to feel that maybe I was likeable. I suppose I still do, I’m just very, very down.

    I’m not going to go into why I’m down. But I am – and the reasons may become apparent.

    Anyway, I’m off to lurk online.

  • 10 October 2000

    Hmm. I’ve just realised how horribly dependent on the computer I am. This occured because my dad wanted to use the phone for work, and so I handed it over thinking it would be a five minute thing. 30 mins later he’s still using it.

    But what struck me is how I used those 30 mins. I changed the cd, went to the loo adjusted the configuration of noachis terra (the mp3 server) so that it should recognise all the memory it’s got and then sat here.

    I simply sat here. I ‘spose part of it was thinking that my dad wasn’t going to be on the phone, and the fact that I speak to and am in closest contact with a lot of people online. But for whatever reason I didn’t go and pick up a book. My god – it’s ages since I actually read a bit of fiction for pleasure or even non-fiction for any purpose other than learning Java or Linux. I didn’t sketch something – something I used to do now and then – just draw a landscape from my mind (not that I was good you understand, but I did do it).

    I didn’t write to a friend, I didn’t do anything. Infact I hardly ever do anything not computer related. I used to go out and take photographs (the gallery website I set up is a testament to the fact I used to do stuff.

    At the moment I do need to do Java, but I didn’t even do that with my time (although to be honest it takes me a little while to get my brain in gear)….It perturbs me that I’ve not done anything with this half (now 3/4 of) an hour. I would not have achieved much in that time – I’ll grant. But perhaps more than nothing.

    I’m not quite sure how or what I’m going to do to rectify this. But I feel that I should perhaps try and become more of a rounded person. Okay. Enough….

  • 10 October 2000

    Good grief! After what seemed like a really, really bad start to the programming day I finally got going about 1 o’clockish. Which isn’t quite the diving in and programming idea I had planned for the day – but otoh seems to have been surprisingly effective.

    Despite my slow start I now have a class which scans a string for # or _ and if it finds them will leap into action with a “is it ?” (which is currently all I’m testing for). This may not seem wildly exciting, but it’s actually something I’ve done. And I’m quite pleased – becuase to extend it to do the other is very, very easy.

    The variable search, that could take a little longer to implement – but I’m working on that in my head…..

    So, I think that’s genuinely a “whoo” for todays effort….

    Only thing is, am I going to be able to do any programming tomorrow….it depends on the tilers who are coming to do the kitchen….see we aren’t sure if they want to have the power off….

    Which will ruin my lovely uptime (grr!)…..

  • 10 Oct 2000

    Well, just a quick entry because I should be working….doing Java. Actually I’ve only come upstairs and switched on the monitor for that reason. But – yes, I’m all excited; why? Well – I got a letter which has put me in a fantastic mood. My ex-personal-tutor at university really seems to have been doing a lot of work for me – which I didn’t even ask her to do (I’m going to have to go and see her to thank her!).

    It appears that I can have a new degree certificate in my new name – all I have to to do is send proof of change of name.

    I’m wayyyyyyy happy!

    (And I’ve got Red Bull and Dr Pepper in the house, so caffine will be ruling my life for a bit).

    And one other thing. My body appears to be changing shape, for despite the fact I’ve not put on weight – nor really noticed any changes some of my jeans are, erm, rather tight…..which is kinda odd.

    Anyway. Java….

    Update: 1139

    Argh!!!! I’m trying to work, but my dad’s at home today – double the interruptions, yes he’s now driving me nuts. He’s switched on the radio in the study – to listen to some channel 4 program. Why is this a problem? The study is opposite my room…..

    Gah! Must….Concentrate…..

  • 09 Oct 2000

    Well, funny day really. It’s been pouring with rain here all day, except when it stopped to drizzle for a bit….which would normally have got me down…but despite achiving nothing with my day – yes, nothing (largely my own fault; I didn’t get up until 11:30)….I am in a really good mood. I didn’t go anywhere (/me fwaps herself – need to get stuff done!)

    Why? well…

    Well, I passed. How you may ask, if you didn’t go anywhere?

    A UPS delivery bloke (as in parcels delivery bloke) came to the door, bringing with him my lushous Tokyo 2040 DVD, and also a piece of paper requesting Kate….now, he looks at me and says “Kate [lastname]?” and i – who’ve not completed her getting up procedures yet (i.e. shaving) kinda look at him and mumble “yes”…

    To which he hands me a parcel, says “could you just sign here please miss” and smiles…

    I don’t think I could have smiled any wider! It just made my day. I mean I couldn’t have passed in decent light, but that he took me for female – in my unwashed teeshirt – in which I’d been sleeping and a grotty pair of jogging bottoms….unwashed, unshaven, disheveled, tired….

    I can’t get over it…

    I also watched Lexx 1.1 today (“I worship his shadow”)…which was very, very cool :) I’m very glad I bought that! Although my new slogan for VHS is: “For those times when you don’t need edges”….

    Anyway, yes. So. Tired, underachiving, but happy!

  • 8 Oct 2000

    So, what happened I hear you all asking excitedly….well, I would do if there was anyone here….

    Where’d you all go? Oh, there was no-one here in the first place…..

    Anyway I’m going to witter ‘cos I had an excellent weekend, with a really wonderful person – someone who gave me a big hug on meeting me for the first time (which I really needed….)

    So, first impressions? Donna’s a lovely person, and really good company. We spend a lot of time hugging and talking, did Bath (in the rain, yes I did get very wet), and located a great shop – which is infact part of a chain of quite possibly all great shops…

    And tho’ it was difficult, Donna was dragged away from the Apple Mac CXII (? – it’s a mac, I have no idea <g>) – and with a similar level of difficulty I was removed from the Laptop, and the Amps, and Donna from the record decks….

    Anyway, yes, so that shop will have to be re-visited, as will the one in Bristol :)

    Anyway, so yes. I had a thoroughly good time, and…to top it off…located in the Bath MVC was something I’ve seen infrequently, and never had the money to buy…

    Largely becuase the items are normally 13.99 UKP each, which I feel is excessive…but this time, this time they were all there, all there in one place at one time….and I had MVC vouchers for the full value of the purchase….so….I bought….

    Lexx, the first series :)

    So yes, good weekend I feel.

  • 6 Oct 2000

    So…what did I get up to today? Well…planned my route to go see Donna (yay! :-), I’ve checked the oil on my car (which much to my pleasure shows no sign of burning any oil….). I also finally got around to doing the photos for the driving licence. Unfortunately you don’t get to see them. Well, I might scan one of the three “rejects”, but unfortunately I’ve demonstrated the fine art of building a partially complete and yet almost totally useless network.

    What makes me say this? Well, neither Samba nor NFS has been configured…Samba was my original choice, cos then Windows could see the network (if I were in windows), and so could the RiscPC….

    Then when someone said, well, if you don’t worry about windows you could use NFS – which’d be much better – I though, yes. Actually, the RiscPC can do NFS too (I think I had a bit of software which did both NFS and SMB).

    Anyway, essentially my network allows me to control the music server, and that’s about it atm. Which is rather a shame ‘cos if I scan stuff it’ll be on the RiscPC….oh well….(gah!)

    So, that wasn’t entirely wonderful – nor was the realisation that the printer is no longer connected to the RiscPC and so I ended up retyping my letter to the DVLA just so I could print it….I then spent a long and rather tedious period of time trying to work out why my printer wasn’t printing straight, before realising that the paper guide had moved *mutter*

    Anyway, while I was in town I decided to treat myself – so the 20UKP I found under my car finally went towards another Tangerine Dream CD (Force Majeure), and an ex-rental DVD of “East is East”.

    So that was kinda fun – and I didn’t get any odd looks so I presume I passed reasonably well :)

    However things went a little pear shaped…not very, but one of those nagging “oooh, that’s p*ssed me off” sort of levels. I decided to have a quick looksie at my Rocky Horror Show DVD and was rather upset to discover that it is actually a “region 1” region 1, as opposed to all my other “region 0” region 1 disks….

    Not only that but the quality just didn’t seem quite up to other DVD’s of mine….which is rather annoying….And then we get on to the real annoyance…

    About half way through East is East (which incidentally, unlike the authors of the cover I wouldn’t describe as “hilarious” – some of it’s funny, a lot of it is very dark humour wise….) the DVD drive started to do the traditional “Your windows install is fseked, please reinstall it before watching any more DVD’s”.

    Yes, my untouched install – apart from the SCSI card drivers has gone down the pan!

    Sometimes I’m driven to want to destroy all of microsoft. These days it seems to be whenever I’m near an MS “operating system” for more than about 30 seconds. At least linux has only been screwed up by my own ineptitude so far – and it’s yet to have required me to reset it….

    Hell, even the old RM P75 seems to be soldiering on (9:15pm up 8 days, 9:52, 1 user) – although it’s only running on 16 of it’s 24 Megs….so I should really reset it – but it’s not like it really needs the ram atm….

    So, it can just build up a good uptime!

    Anyway, I need to sort out stuff for tomorrow….So…

  • 5th Oct 2000, 2347

    Eep, I should be in bed!

    Anyway, something occured to me so I thought I’d put it down….I was thinking about things which have changed since I started hormones, this was prompted by me noticing that the hair on my body really has changed. I wish the hair on my arms would get thinner…or stop growing altogether (I’m nothing if not hopeful!)…and it’s changed all over pretty much, a fact which has cheered me up…

    But it’s not just the physical things that have changed, there’s been a shift in my attitudes to things. For example, I never used to care how I looked. Well that’s not strictly true – I used to care that I looked male, I hated that. I still do. But now I care how I look. I actually make sure I brush my hair before I go out. I’ll very infrequently go out – even just to post a letter – unless I think I look presentable.

    It’s kinda odd, but it’s also kind of nice – I think it’s possibly a sign that I’m beginning to care about my body – rather than treating it like sh*t ‘cos I didn’t want to be in it….

    Other things have changed too, for example, I actually eat vegetables now, I have salad in my sandwiches! It’s a small thing, but it’s there. I’m self concious about the fact I really am unfit, and quite annoyed there’s not much I can do about it here (being as I won’t go near a gym) – I can’t go running – which is the one thing I used to do – ‘cos living in the middle of no-where has major dissadvantages on the road saftey front.

    I also, actually, would like to see daylight, and go outside – which is kinda odd for me! No, it’s not, I used to go hillwalking, but I’d put up with being at home, using the computer for days on end. I’ve done it for 2 days now and I really need to go out tomorrow….

    So it’s all good stuff really, I’m probably going to end up more healthy, more fit, and so on….but it’s kind of odd – looking back and knowing how I once was….

    Anyway, one other thing. I’ve been considering putting up a bulletin board as part of the site….and I’m wondering if it’ll be worthwhile….

    So…if you think it will, or won’t, then give me a shout….

    And finally (yes, I’m aware the previous thing was described as “one other thing)….I…actually, this isn’t finally, there’s going to be something after this too!

    I’ve been made an op on an IRC network. This is a fairly odd thing to happen – why? Because I’ve very little knowledge of IRC – but scarily people seemed to want me to do it – becuase they think of me as being very unprone to tantrums, which is kinda nice.

    It’s odd – but also means that I feel obliged to read up about IRC – lots! And I don’t really have the time to do that…

    Argh, it’s midnight….I wanted to get to bed!

    Anyway, I just wanted to say a big thankyou to some of my friends who’ve really kept me cheery recently! So, James, Donna, kira, Rachel, Tam, Leah, Martin, and to be honest, most of the people on , and . Thankyou. I’m very, very, grateful…..

    If I’ve missed anyone out, I’m sorry! Remind me! I’ll pop you up too…I know its dangerous doing these thankyou’s, esp when it’s late at night…..so….

    I’d also (while I’m in the thanking mood) like to say thanks to all the people who put up with me at uni…..becuase they made what could have been absoulute hell – great fun, for the most part….and they continue to support me now :-)

    Sometimes I think I’m very lucky…..

    Anyway, I’m really off to bed now…so g’night…

    —
    Kate