Believe

In 5 months time, assuming that I complete the process of writing things, I will no longer be a student nurse.

I will be a qualified – in the process of registering – nurse. It’s scary. But that, combined with this post has reminded me that I should be pondering my future. Having discovered that the United Kingdom (of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and other Sundry But Important Countries) is going to be my home for the next 2 years – whatever I might think or want – and so I should be planning more enthusiastically for the while I’m here.

Whilst I kind of feel like my life is ‘on hold’ it’s not really; because there’s huge amounts of preparation for a move that will potentially extract me from my support networks, place me in a completely unfamiliar environment and present me with an opportunity to work somewhere entirely different.

And really, my life is only on hold in the ‘relationship’ sense. I’m actively not looking for a relationship. It’s hard; actually; I’m not used to being on my own. I don’t like it. I’m lonely, to be blunt. I miss the companionship (and quite bluntly, the sex) of a relationship with someone you love who loves you. But I don’t want to get myself into a relationship when I really do want to leave this country.

So, ignoring that, there’s 2 years. Two solid years. I suspected, and the post kinda confirms what I thought; that Lauren’ll probably end up moving over to live with Chrissy. So I shall be seeking a house of my own. Which is very weird. Do you feel the weird? I’ve never lived alone. This is the closest to alone I’ve ever lived – I’m starting to get the hang of it a bit. The idea of living on my own doesn’t fill me with fear the way it did. Like someone quitting smoking, I’ve cut down on my living with someone; I went from being in a couple to single living with two people. Then single living with one person. Now I’m single, living with one person who’s away a lot.

The thing I find oddest is ‘not talking’. I talk a lot. I talk to myself a lot – even at work – moreso at work – I think aloud, don’t ask me why, I just do. So the fact I’ve not spoken since 6:30ish? When Nikki left? Oh, I answered the phone… Yeah. That’s weird to me.

And it feels weird too.

Also, because of the shift work / working a random set of the 7 days in the week, I loose track of the actual day. I’m only loosely aware of the Tuesdayness of today. Anyway, I guess this is really a waffly thought to myself. I may plan to move to Canada in 2 years, but I shouldn’t forget that I’ve got to live here for those two years. I need to make firmer plans.