I awoke this morning (about 8 o’clock) to a general feeling of depression. A feeling which has only got worse as the day has worn on. I’m nearly 2 hours into it, I’ve nearly been in tears twice and I feel so generally down I want to hide in a corner.
To top it off my mum had a go at me while I was (attempting) to cook breakfast (disaster that that was)….just because she’s in a bad mood. I’m fed up of being stuck here in the middle of nowhere, I’m fed up of not having freedom, I’m fed up of my life.
I want to curl up in a corner and hide, but I can’t I should be doing Java. But becuase of the crap layout of my desk my RSI has made a fairly strong comeback (I used to get it in my right hand at Uni if I didn’t support my arms when typing. Now I’ve got it in my left hand to the extent that it’s painful now. It didn’t hurt when I started typing (although it was twinging in a “going to hurt” sort of way)).
And I’ve finally pulled a page from my diary. I did this of my own volition – it wasn’t because of anything else except my own feelings that I should not have put my friends in the postition I did. Of having to choose between me and my ex.
I may never wish to have contact with her but to make my friends choose as well, that was unfair and I regret that.
I’ve not felt this down for a while. I feel lonely – stuck out here with no human contact, and just so utterly depressed at my inability to get away from here. Before, when I had a job, I couldn’t afford even a single bedsit type thing. Now, with no job I can’t even dream of such things.
Well, I’m off to try and persuade myself to do Java. And probably more accurately curl up and hide.