I’d forgotten how unutterably frustrating and upsetting it is not to be able to sleep. I’ve led in bed for 45 minutes with the only thoughts in my mind being how tired IÂ am and how physically tired IÂ feel and my brain trying to will me to sleep. IÂ get up now and feel the urge to sleep. But laying there it’s completely elusive. I counted breaths, IÂ counted anything IÂ could, IÂ curled around Kathryn, Kathryn curled around me. But sleep remains elusive. IÂ still feel slimey from napping in my clothes yesterday (in bed) but it was cold, IÂ was tired.
IÂ will be exhausted today, because IÂ feel exhausted now. IÂ feel like crying. I do not take sleep deprevation well, and though IÂ remember insomnia from university, days and days of sleeping for a few hours here and there, and spending hours creating on the computer, IÂ do not remember the exhaustion, the frustration, and the desperate desire to sleep. My eyes are tired and close while IÂ type, I’ve picked up the ATNCÂ manual but IÂ am not conviced IÂ can read it. IÂ miss the lounge where IÂ could have curled up on the Sofa with the manual and the little standard lamp and waited for sleep to overcome me. Now IÂ sit in the upright chair in the computer room, scrunching as much as IÂ can, but sleep won’t come here.
Bollocks. IÂ should’ve known better than to nap the day after nights.