This has not been proofread, because I’m fucking tired.
We got kittens. They’re a delight, but exhausting.
Anyway, onwards.
I’m not always very good at that. It’s a work in progress, not being an absolute shit to myself about me. It’s funny because everyone else I’ll ignore other peoples mistakes, I’ll let go other people’s issues. Myself? I will criticize at the faintest opportunity.
Honestly, I don’t even really need an opportunity. I’ll just do it.
And this – uh – period of time has, it turns out, provided more than sufficient opportunity for me to practice not doing that.
I’ve been working on the press and trying really hard to get us set up with payment processing. It looks like we’re going to abandon our ‘local payment support’ people because we just can’t get approved for a payment processor that’s not in Texas, because the California processors they work with are both ‘high risk business’ processors (which we aren’t) and have incredibly strict rules about what you can and can’t do. The process to reach this conclusion has taken months and I have been fighting the urge to feel like I’m letting (authors) down with my lack of knowledge. And so-far? I’ve been pretty good about it. I have my moments, I sometimes curl up with my wife and get reassurance, but honestly…
…I’ve been managing to mostly keep in my head that it’s not my fault. This has been difficult and then there’s been Xmas / Holidays and yeah.
Then there’s music – today I sang the first time in ages with the band – as in lead. We’ve decide to cover KiNG Mala’s I could have been worse. Which I adore. We’ve had to shift it down a bit for my voice but tonight I actually sang and after a bit managed to find something like my voice (and not the strangled noise) that I first produced. And y’know what? It wasn’t terrible.
Of course, afterwards my brain decided to try and yell at me that I’d made a fool of myself, that I’d sucked, that they would be planning to work out how to tell me no. And I know that’s bullshit. I know it’s just my edgelord little turd of a brain trying to make me feel bad. And despite the day I’ve had (which has not been fun really) I managed to slap it into submission. I told the edgelord to get fucked, and listened to music and y’know what, it actually worked.
And then there’s Roller Derby. Because yes, I’m doing derby and this is a new skill and learning new skills takes time and doing the Roller Derby Bootcamp has been a profound exercise in accepting my lack of knowledge and skill. And being bad at things in front of others.
It’s a challenge. But I’m working on it and so far I’ve been pretty good (I’ve also had a shit ton of fun. You should do Roller Derby it’s fucking ace).
I dunno what I’m saying here. I think to an extent I’m distracting myself from the utter and total collapse of American society. It’s pretty clear that we’re basically on the verge of maybe a civil war? Maybe the downfall of the government? Maybe the sudden implementation of fascist martial law? Who the fuck knows. If I could predict shit it would be really handy.
Whatever, it is, I’m pleased that I think therapy has helped. Sorting out my HRT properly – not just listening to the WPATH guidance but actually researching, finding levels that work, all that jazz, has helped with mood and energy. And obnoxiously doing exercise and socialising consistently. Even when I don’t feel like it.
So yeah. I’m doing better with that. The US — and much of the world — is still on fire. But my little bit? Not quite so much.
Touch wood.
