…one of those hard days. A day when I just feel vaguely and unplaceably less happy than I should / think I should / y’know? There’s no reason for me to be down.
It’s probably a sign of why I want to go in for councelling – I’d stopped having days like this so much – and now they’ve started again, I don’t like it. I’m not sure why I have days like today. Anyway, there’s a couple of newsworthy things; I’m not sharing with the entire world at large, because I’m selfish.
Apparently, the Emergency Dept at the hospital I did my Emergency Dept / High Care placement at have arranged it that individuals from our cohort, who were so damn good (did you see my head swell then?), can go back and work in A&E directly after we qualify. This is very good news, so long as I actually qualify. Which I will, I know, but it’s still a bit scary the quantity of work that’s waiting for me.
I should be working now. Natasha, who I’m on placement with, seems to be way more on top of her work; it’s quite scary. Still. There’s this week ahead of me when I’ve got to… do a *lot*. But, fuck, it’s scary.
Anyway, ignoring that. It’s good news.
I also spent some time chatting to James last night, I have this fear – although I’ve had an idea which I’m quite excited about for a new artsy video – which is that I peaked. That the best thing I could do is the 7 minutes into the future video. I’m still really proud of it, I just sat down and watched it yesterday and I was, like I said, scared that that was it. That there isn’t more.
But having chatted to him about it a bit, I’m actually back to feeling a bit more excited about the prospect of trying to make my next one. Enough that I’ve even e-mailed one of the places I want to film to get permission (although if they say no, I might well do it anyway and just try to be quick enough.
It might be terrible. It might not work. But I feel the desire to try anyway.
The other thing on my mind has been Canada, particularly after Chrissy pointed me at the Daily Dose of Imagery – a photoblog of Toronto (ironically, today’s photo is of the UK). Some of the shots show this incredibly beautiful place – and also the one and only person I’ve spoken to (well, IM’d) is in that area of Canada. And there is a certain temptation to move to a place where I at least know someone. But then I found 2 bit studios – a photoblog of Vancouver, which is also very pretty. See, this is the problem with my ‘pick somewhere and try it’ thing, it’s got such potential for being a disaster, and also since there’s no real rationalle (Rachel said it’s somewhere they might possibly one day vaguely consider the possibility of maybe moving there one day, and Kate said it was very pretty).
See, it’s hard to be set on something so randomly picked. But the common sense bit of me said ‘moving somewhere where you actually only ‘know‘ one person is going to be an appaulingly bad idea because it opens the possibility for you becoming rather overdependent on one person’
I think maybe it (this mood) is a reaction to my extreme positivity yesterday.
And my tiredness. God I was so tired yesterday. I think I slept for about 11 hours in total between yesterday – I feel so much better today, my body doesn’t hurt all over. I was dangerously tired yesterday, I suspect. Anyway, yes; I was also driving on instinct. I passed through various gaps and was scared witless because I knew I couldn’t really judge the gaps accurately, but my brain had informed me that yes, that gap was acceptable. I know how much of my driving is subconcious, but it was scary. Really, really scary.
And then, at work, despite downing a second cup of coffee before doing anything I nearly commited a drug-error; which would have probably not, in this case, done anyone any harm. But would have done my confidence no good at all. It was bad. Bad bad bad. Still thinking about it now.
I did manage to ‘wake up’ and by the end of my shift was pretty on the ball – in a limited way. In a very limited way. Driving home wasn’t terrifying, and I even did some French. When I got home I just collapsed into bed. I set my alarm so I could actually have some hope of eating; got up and instantly gave up on the concept of cooking. I could barely stand. So I ordered a delivery Pizza and Chicken Nuggets, which I promptly ate all of. Then I kicked around the house until a reasonable time to sleep – before falling back into bed… and sleeping for another 9 hours.
I’m yawning this morning and have singluarly failed to have the energy to go and buy milk (so we’ve got no milk), I’ve drunk a cup of tea and a cup of coffee. I have no idea why I’m so tired. I think I’ve just been off ward work so long, I’d forgotten how tiring it actually is. And they’re making me work now, they keep trying to get me to make decisions. Well, I keep making decisions. I kind of want more autonomy, but it’s their registration on the line, and I need them there if I trip; so… Yeah. It’s difficult. Anyway.
5 minutes ’til I start cooking lunch.
I’m going home to see my mom this weekened (yes, I typed that, so I’m leaving it. Stop laughing Kate. It’s not funny. Do you know what I did at Lauren’s birthday? I said ‘wah-der’ instead of ‘wa-ter’. She laughed at me then too).
Oh, and news on Bristol North Pool. The builders now boarding up the building said it’d been condemned. Fuck Bristol City Council. Their representation of the people of Bristol bears no resembelance to what the people of Bristol actually want, quite simply they do whatever they want and stuff what ‘the people’ want. Bah.
