g’morning and welcome to Kate’s quite tired and would really rather fancy a day off.
So, the second Late / Early approachs and I feel the desire not to do it, but I’ll be there. Yesterday was pretty good really, I had my 3 patients, and I looked after them and worked through dischargey stuff and social stuff, and I think it all went okay. I may come in to a mass of complaints and disasters; but overall I think it was okay. I hope :-)
Anyway, then I went to councelling, which was… interesting. Because I’m feeling a lot better in myself. In fact, I’ve been feeling – well, lonely – because I am, but I’m trying to meet more people (although it looks like this month is not going to be a great success).
I’m currently listening to something I can only describe as ‘very odd’; the Wild Acoustic Chamber Orchestra’s ‘They Dwell on Other Girls’, I’d like to say it’s awful, but it’s not quite… really… it’s just very very odd. It’s sort of like listening to a very bad school orchestra, but more…deliberate. I mean, it’s not exactly something I’d listen to for pleasure, but it’s interesting.
Anyway, yes, so councelling. My councellor, it seems, was going by a nickname last time I met her – so I didn’t recognise her name this time (because she’s stopped using the nickname). But that was good, because she knew my history and knew how I was when I finished – and basically we had a long talk – it was like I remembered it. I enjoyed it a lot, actually, and if I wasn’t pushed for time I’d quite enjoy having them just as a method of destressing – but we agreed that I don’t really want / need councelling at the moment. I’ve made a lot of progress by myself – and the whole point of me going before was (well, to sort my head out) to enable me to deal with the shittyness by myself.
It really helped me; [okay, now it’s turned into the music from Tony Hart’s Gallery with a bossa-nova beat; this is definately a very odd if interesting CD]; it helped me develop coping strategies and understand my drive to be the best and to accept that I’m human and I do make mistakes, and that it’s okay to be human and make mistakes. I don’t have to be better than everyone, y’know? And I was kind of subconciously driving myself to reach unattainable standards and setting myself targets that were unattainable just so I could damn myself to failure and then hate myself for failing.
These days I’m a lot healthier. And although I’ve had a period of not being so healthy, I’ve managed to deal with it; I clearly struggle with rejection, but I think that it was more rejection on top of my mum’s depression on top of my dad’s death, on top of the real fear of failing at work. Which… I think, is fair enough. And the fact I’m starting to get back to working and okay, I’m not dealing with the financial situation very well, but really, the fact I’m coping and I’m pretty happy a lot of the time, the blackness is receeding and yeah. It’s good.
So, yes, I’ve got my safety rope, I can go back and see my councellor if I want to, and that’s enough for me right now.
Which brings us to more Northern Exposure. I’ve actually not posted since Monday?! Blimey. Been busy I guess. Anyway, I got my xxxHolic, Megatokyo Vol 1 (dark horse edition) and my Northern Exposure DVDs. I’d never actually seen the beginning, in fact, I don’t think I ever really saw much of the first series; but it’s just the way I remember it; the characters are somewhat less developed and the actors look so young, but it’s Cicely, AK, same as it’s been in my head since forever.
And I still love it just as much.
I know it’s sad and silly to miss the characters from a TV show, but my childhood was hardly roses and chocolates, so it was one of the things that had a big impact on me, because it was just… escape. Pure escapism, which is I guess what it is now. For 45 minutes I can forget about work and just concentrate on the lives of some fictional people :-)
Anyway, basically I’m dead pleased because I was a bit worried that it’d’ve lost it’s magic for me, but it hasn’t. It’s still something I love.
And in other news I wrote to UHN (in Toronto) asking recruitmenty questions, all of you think good thoughts for a positive response. I need it to be good news that comes back. Oh, and I’ve been talking to the Met Police about whether Rebecca can be a police car for the day during EuroPride. They seem to be trying to be as helpful as possible, which is good, but I’ve still not managed to find out if she can have the light on and *on*. I now know where to get a police uniform though… :-)
There’s something so wrong about this :-)
Hrm, I think that’s me for today. What’s going on in your worlds?