I don’t know why but over the past year my insomnia’s got worse again. It’s not, thank god, as bad as it was when I was young adult. Particularly I’m thinking it’s not as bad as when I was a student when I’d sleep a few hours at most a night, and then crash at some point and just sleep 12 or 14 hours. But it’s been getting rough. I’ve woken up at 3-4 am pretty frequently recently, and some nights it’s taken well over an hour to get to sleep. Tonight when I hit just shy of 2 hours I decided to get up and…well, do this. Mainly because I’d hit the point of boredom where I start tossing and turning and squirreling myself into endless positions in search of the hopefully one position where I might sleep.
I know that notional position is a lie, because I’ve been there so many times before.
And I didn’t want to wake Kathryn up with my body’s – or my mind’s failure to sleep.
I don’t really know what’s going on. I mean, the world for queer people is a shitshow. I watched Philosophy Tube’s Judith Butler episode today and her conclusion about reaching the people who’ve adopted the world view that’s ended with blaming queer people for whatever ails societyis pretty bleak. So maybe that’s rattling around my head. I’m also being deeply normal about Alyson Greaves’ Kimmy. So elements of that have been wandering around my brain. But mostly, while I feel kind of half-heartedly tired, I just don’t really feel sleepy. And so here I sit whiling hours away.
Too tired to write. Too tired to read. Too awake to sleep.
It’s zero fun.
I’ll probably take some melatonin tomorrow and see if that helps. I can’t really tell if it does – because some times I sleep fine anyway.
