i turned 25 in september but i feel like i’ve been at death’s door for years. every day is a fight against my mental illnesses and i can’t tell whether or not i’m winning anymore. i’m just so alone. i want to go to a party full of friends who won’t demand that i be happy. is the birthday unending a good place for me? i bring an unused bachelor’s degree, a beating heart, an enormous pot of soup, a hundred funny stories and a hundred sad ones.
YOU ARE NOT LOSING. YOU ARE NOT LOST.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
IT IS DIFFICULT, WHEN THE DEMONS ARE NOT AT THE DOOR, BUT ARE INSTEAD ALREADY INSIDE, HOWLING AND SCREAMING AND BEATING THEIR FISTS AGAINST THAT SLIM PROTECTIONS REMAIN. IT CAN BE SO TEMPTING TO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE TRUTHFUL THINGS, THAT THEY MUST BE RIGHT, ELSE WHY WOULD THEY BE ALLOWED TO HOWL SO LOUDLY, TO INSIST SO MUCH?
BUT THEY ARE LIARS, BIRTHDAY CHILD, AND WHILE WE ARE A BEAUTIFUL LIE, WE ARE NOT: WE WILL TELL YOU TRUE. AND WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY IS THIS:
THE FACT THAT YOU ARE HERE, THAT YOU HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR, MEANS THAT YOU ARE WINNING. EVERY DAY, EVERY HOUR, YOU ARE WINNING. YOU LIVE IN AN AGE OF UNBROKEN VICTORY, FOR YOU ARE STILL HERE, AND WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU. WE DO NOT DEMAND THAT YOU BE HAPPY. WE DO NOT DEMAND THAT YOU BE WHOLE. WE ASK ONLY THAT YOU KEEP FIGHTING–KEEP WINNING–AND STAY WITH US.
STAY.
HERE IS YOUR SEAT AT THE TABLE. HERE IS YOUR CONICAL HAT. HERE IS A VERY COMFORTING LIZARD, TO SIT WITH YOU WHEN YOU CANNOT BEAR THE COMPANY OF HUMANS, AND TO LISTEN TO WHATEVER STORIES YOU WISH TO TELL.
WELCOME TO THE BIRTHDAY. WELCOME TO THE BIRTHDAY. WELCOME TO THE BIRTHDAY UNENDING.
