See, now, look. I’ve gone and logged on to the internet and although I logged on to submit work I’m instead sat here browsing Livejournal. Blah. I’ve done the 750 word segment of critiquing for IP3, but that’s all I’ve done work-wise since I got here. I’ve read some of The Princess Bride which is turning out to be an excellent book, just as it was an excellent film. My mother’s looking for stuff relating to various bills required for planning her finances now. I’ll be helping her later this evening and then we’ll be sending an exciting e-mail so that some financial planning can begin.
She’s still crying a lot.
It’s still hard being here.
Yesterday we had my nephews here, despite the fact one of them was ill; which I found a bit… disconcerting. What with my mum getting ill so easily, but it seems (touch wood) to have passed off fine. They were packed full of energy.
I dunno why I’m writing. That’s a lie, it’s a complete and total lie. I know exactly why I’m writing.
When I started going out with Trey I didn’t understand how much she loved America. We went through various things about other places she might consider living, but she never had the enthusiasm she had for America. I guess maybe she’s not a very politcal person; so she’s fallen in love with America in a way I never could. America for me, for all it’s gorgeousness physically has such a lot politcally and socially that I could never love the the place without caveats and the idea of living there, when we discussed it, well, lets say I wasn’t keen.
Having been to Alaska, I considered it as a possibility. I discussed with Trey the concept of me maybe working at one of the charitable public health provision places. Because, there’s no way I could square my ethical position with working for the corporations which provide healthcare on the basis of money rather than need.
But anyway, so, yes, I knew therefore, when Trey dumped me that the chance of her staying in the UK was slim. Probably none. She never loved the UK the way I love the UK. Although I can see the UK somewhat differently now, and deeply miss the space and beauty of Alaska, I still love it, and it’ll do fine until I go somewhere else (assuming I manage to). But as I see her plan leaving the UK…
…those of you who know Trey and have lived with Trey can probably appreciate, well, I’ve lost her love, and now, well, yes. She’s going to be gone. Gone from my life, at least physcially.
I miss her like no-one else. She… she’s so… something. She’s so Trey. And her not being there is hard to believe. And scary. I… I really don’t want her to go, but that’s selfish, because she thrives when she’s not in the UK. I can understand. But it’s fucking shit. Really.
2005, as a year, has been wholly the most unpleasant year of my life so far. My dad’s died, I’ve met someone I’m probably going to love for a very long time, someone who’s touched my soul so deeply, and now I’m trying to prepare myself for the fact that I’ve lost her love and now I’m going to no longer see her.
I was scared she wouldn’t even come back to the UK.
I guess I should be grateful she’s still planning to do that.
But I doubt it’ll be for long.
I feel so alone here. So alone. I can’t talk to my mum about it, she’s just lost her husband, my father, how can I complain about someone I’ve been with for one year? So instead I just curl up and wish it all away.