I get up, usually around when Trey gets up (i.e. 6ish), today around 7:30. I make myself some kind of breakfast, unless I’m going swimming, and then I plod round to my PC, because I’m extremely sad and I like to check my mail and read various sites the same way as people read newspapers.
Once I’m done, I plod to the shower, clean myself up, and then head back do drink coffee and maybe consider working.
Then I sit here, ’til lunch, working intermittently.
Do more work.
Watch telly, wait for Trey.
Isn’t my life a hoot? Anyway, this used to be regularly interspersed with episodes of ‘working’; by which I mean, actually for cold hard money being a Health Care Assistant. This wild excitement brought with it the benefits of actually being able to pay my bills.
Sadly, this month, and last. In fact, during my dad’s sudden decline and since his death the idea of going to work… well. It’s not been top of my agenda. Hell, doing my university work is enough of a struggle. I’m now, more or less, at the point where I can think about my dad and his death without crying. Me and my dad were *really* close.
My family’s messed up, like everyone’s, but it’s really a pretty close unit.
So my dad’s death. It’s hit me hard. Annnyway.
So, last night I got my Visa Debit card declined in Sainsbury. This was a shock. Normally I have a good track on my money; but recently… well, since my dad’s death when I spent countless amounts on petrol, and since then sorting out my car properly for January; well, since then I’ve not really been so good. Well, I’ve not made up the short-fall to be honest.
I’ve been kinda spending money I’ve not got, and not stopping spending it. Because I’m down, and things like having a record deck and being able to listen to my LPs, well, it’s made such a huge difference to my mood and to my coping abilities.
I’ve been working, albeit slowly, this last few weeks. I’ve finished an EU pack, I’m about one third to half way through the Maternity one. Being able to escape, mentally, has been such a help. But this month, I fucked up royally. Well, the record deck, the head for the engine (‘cos I damaged the last one putting it on; well, I thought I had. Turned out I was wrong, and it’s fine… never mind).
I spent 110 quid I don’t have. Which doesn’t sound like a lot, really. But it’s enough to make me realise that I’ve pushed my luck too far.
I’ve got a cheque sitting here for 25 quid, which is from that court case. 25 quid.
It’s hard, y’know. It’s hard to care; and it’s hard to find the enthusiasm for work, particularly working for cash, when I’ve got so much university work and when… well… The only time I’m happy is when I’m curled up with Trey.
When I can forget the world.
Yesterday was actually a good day. I was dead proud of myself. For once, outside work, I was moderately assertive and did the whole group thing in person. I’ve never understood why I’m so shy outside work; perhaps it’s because it’s a more social thing, wheras work is a work thing. It operates in a different space in my head.
Anyway, we’ve got an Interprofessional module at uni, it’s the distance taught one, where I’m in Alaska for half of it(!), but had one lecture where we were physically in the same place. And having got into our groups, well, I did the Hello thing, and spoke to the group; I did the chatty thing before hand (nice freindly person, I think called Leanne). And hey, I felt good about myself.
But this whole money issue, that’s not done my mood any good. Give me a few hours, I’ll be fine. Back on my feet as it were. But it was a shock. I was expecting 10 quid, 20 quid. But 110?! How the fuck? Well, I know *how* the fuck. Holiday in Wales, Cartridge and Belt for Record Deck, New head for engine, Water pump, coolant, thermostat, headgasket, brakeshoes,….. the list of things I’ve bought this month… it’s long.
Hopefully though, my commute should be relatively trouble free. I hope. Goddess I hope.
I guess I should think about working for cold hard cash in the not too distant future. I nearly booked shifts this morning. I think I better get on and do that :-/