Boxing day…. part 1

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Wow, daytime and I’m writing. I should be working, actually. I’ve read ‘Growth Monitoring’ in Health For All Children, unfortunately I’ve actually read the second, not the third edition; mostly because I got 3/4 of the way through photocopying it before I realised that I had the wrong edition in my hand (it looked like the newer one!) and didn’t have the money to copy the newer one…

Anyway, I’m just having a bit of a break before I start writing the stuff up; answering the questions. I’m so tired though. I have no idea why. I think that spending ages looking at old photos last night took it out of me.

What I do find slightly freaky about my old photo albums is there’s plenty of photos of places I went (landscapes, or shots of bits of tree, or even a crazy golf course from when I was little); there’s shots of old cars (disturbingly there’s two shots of the inside of a Morris Minor’s engine bay (UUU 203, incidentally) – from when I was at most 7 years old. I was a freaky little girl). Plenty of stuff like that. Some, but not a wildly huge number, of my friend Brian, and his brother.

And probably about 20 photos of my parents, in total, in 4 albums. I really want to sort through the albums and remove some pictures…. some of them though are nice. At least there are some. I know there’s also Cine film of my parents; from when we went to the Lakedistrict, just after I got my sound camera (hah, like there’s any sound recorded! I don’t think that the sound bit of it worked terribly well)….

At any rate, I looked through the photos, it was funny, seeing the people that I knew at school; the me that existed back then; the person I was. I look so thin, scarily thin, and I had huge glasses. Insanely big. Probably they look bigger because of how thin and frail I look. I do wish I’d stayed thin though. Not that thin; because it’s actually disturbing, when you look at me next to the other kids (in the very few photos; particularly the “you look like an anime character” photo (it’s my big hair that does it)). It’s quite scary. I don’t remember being like that. I barely remember that person. That… demi-person; that half-life I lived.

I wish I could go back and change things. But I think coming out, at school, in the early 90’s; I think that would have been a bad thing. But then as I’ve said elsewhere I got bullied and no-one spoke to me most of the time; so it’d’ve made no difference really except to me. Why? Because it’d mean I would maybe have some connection to the life I used to have; rather than the feeling of having severed it at 20 years of age. The first 20 years, more than 2/3rds of my life so far feels like it was lived by someone else.

Not that my sieve like memory helps. I look at photos, and they stir something in my soup like brain, but a lot of them mean very little to me. I can’t distinguish individual holidays; maybe because we went to the same/similar places very often. Freakily I can’t really remember my sister being on holiday with us; despite the fact I know it happened. There’s an entire holiday in France, with pictures I’m aware that I took; and yet can’t remember. I can remember something about a barrier that kept going up and down of it’s own accord by a French Chateau that I’ve got a photo of. That’s about it.

It’s all one big blurry mess in my head. All stuff that happened when I was trying to be someone for everyone else. Now I’m being me; and people actually seem to like me for who I am, and that’s fantastic, but it makes it hard to relate to the things I did before. Because I wouldn’t do those things. I wouldn’t stand for the things I did, I wouldn’t be treated the way I was, and I wouldn’t respond the way I did. I know it’s all part of growing up, but for me, coming out and the changes that accompanied it in my life were so huge; it’s completely disconnected me from the past. Even the images in my head; my memories are tweaked to fit in with me now! Isn’t that scary? I have edited my own brain to correct the images. The dialogue, the actions, the everything is the same, except the way I look in my memories. Freaky.

Anyway, I should get back to work. At least the heating’s working again; it’d stopped and it was getting bloody cold in here. Incidentally, I recommend the Zutons album. Kate’s music pick of the day. That and Gwen Stefani (actually I’ve not got that yet, but the bits I’ve heard sound cool).


Kate is lord and mistress of all she surveys at