Sadly, the sun’s disappeared… I’d been contemplating a walk.
So instead, you get my mulling, rather than me perching by the river and letting the meandering water be home of my considerations. It’s very odd here at the moment, perched precariously on the precipice of leaving. The future is a massive void of the unknown. We have hopefully got an offer on the house coming, hopefully. Hopefully it’ll be enough to carry us over the ocean. This place we’ve made our home, it will be a memory. The 1930s fireplaces, the tile floor I spent so long over, the area-inappropriate-feature-brick-wall, the sunrise door… it’ll all be in the past. Our garden of which I’m insanely proud, it’ll be someone else’s space. They’ll be lounging on the reclaimed timber deck, possibly with a chiminea, pondering the joys of life.
And we’ll be in the US. Living in another country, far away from the things I grew up with.
Both excitement and nervousness share their times in my brain – but in this weird hinterland of “maybe the house has sold, maybe not” where we’re waiting to find out if we should start packing to move, and where we still don’t know if I’ve got a visa, so we don’t know if we’ll be moving to the States or moving to somewhere just more countrysidey… well, let’s say it’s not conducive to a calm and relaxed state of mind.
It’s all terribly, and inconveniently circular at the moment. My brain swirls with what-ifs and yes-buts, and none of it really gets me anywhere. And then there’s the whole topic of “what about when we get there, what job can I do if I’m not a nurse?”. And “What if I can’t pass the NCLEX”. This is when all my bravado, my faux-confidence used at work does me no good at all. I can run an ED, because I have a work ‘persona’ which is much more confident than I feel. So when I get challenged outside of that environment, there’s often a failure of belief in myself. Which is odd, because I usually get this shit done, when it comes down to it.
Anyhow, I’ve been through the US stuff paperwork, and just need to get myself to a photocopier; and I’ve got a hotel room booked for the night before the interview, to avoid attempting to get to the US embassy for the interview, in London, on the day of the interview and that adding to the stress.
And now I’m going to look at this NCLEX-RN book that I’ve been prevaricating about opening for the last couple of hours. Bah.
